I know I haven't written much for ages but in these times, I'm thinking this might be something to keep me sane.
Thank God Tom and Kayla's wedding was this time last year and I was able to visit you and the family. For that, I will be forever grateful.
Fast forward to now and after a somewhat woolly message on Tuesday about maybe working from home, I got an urgent call from my one up boss to ask; have you read the message from Simon?
No, I've been talking to a colleague about next weeks auction.
You need to pack up, right now and go home
And that was it. For the foreseeable future. Solo me, is working from home and not seeing any family or friends or colleagues for maybe, if today's reports are true, up to 12 weeks but we're probably talking many, many more months actually.
Quite honestly, I'm trying not to freak out because this isn't a week or a month thing, this could be it... for a while. A while could be three months, could be twelve months but I can't think about that. I'm just going to have to take it day by day.
As you know, I can't stay in. In the recent "olden times" I would head out for a coffee with a book or three on Saturday and Sunday morning to sit in a coffee shop, chat to the staff and sit in the window, on my own and read for an hour, mainly to stop me from getting cabin fever from being at home alone. I was alone there in that coffee shop still but not alone if that makes sense. Now, the coffee shops are closed and so I have nowhere to go.
It's early days yet. My general anxiety has given me the following;
Hight blood pressure
Stress Itch (no rash but about 4 inches on the top of my right arm that I could rip off when it's itching)
Stomach ache when I eat
TMJ
Headaches
Dizziness
And so.... on my last visit to my Doctor, pre lockdown, he asked me; are we treating the symptoms or the cause?
He said that I was always; "a rabbit in headlights" and that I needed to do something about my anxiety.
I didn't know I was anxious, I thought that was just me.
Anyway, he suggested some temporary medication and a gym membership.
Maths done and home gym equipment audited, I decided rather than a gym membership, I would purchase a treadmill. I used to love jogging, I really did get that runner's high and I miss it. If I joined a gym, it would only be for the treadmill. My area is not one that I would jog alone in.
I have all the other gym equipment, barbell, kettlebell, weights, stretchy bands, so, right before this got serious, I ordered a treadmill, it arrived on Monday, was assembled on Tuesday by dear brother in law and Tuesday lunchtime, I was home to work, for the foreseeable.
The first four weeks, I tried to create a new routine and that helped me; up at the same time, exercise, work, exercise, work, healthy eating and bed at the same time. Sleep wasn't great but from the people I did speak to, no one is sleeping well at the moment.
Weeks 1 to 4 were tough. I have never felt more alone in my life, never more isolated. I could feel myself withdrawing by the day, work tech problems meant that I could see colleagues but they couldn't see me. I could say "I'm OK thanks, how are you?" When I wasn't fine at all and no one could tell. My biggest fear is history repeating itself, my Mum was the youngest of five girls as am I. She had to say goodbye to all of her sisters one by one and I know, what lies ahead for me now more than ever. I'm close to two of my sisters but one day, if natural order has anything to do with it, they will leave before me and this is what it will feel like. This was a simulation of what is to come.
Chatting to you helped and Susie set up a group chat which happened every couple of weeks, I spoke to Jan every night, Don phoned me on Easter Sunday and Sheila checked in with me every week or so. I'm so blessed with my friends. I haven't heard from my other two sisters who have family but didn't expect to.
Then, something happened. Captain Tom Moore happened. A 99 year old war veteran set out to raise £1000 for the NHS by walking, with his walking aid, 100 25m laps of his garden before he turned 100 years old in two weeks. Well, Captain Tom achieved his goal, became a national hero and a beacon of light oh, and he has so far raised close to £30,000,000 for the NHS God Bless Him. On completing his 100 laps, the tv cameras were on him and he said something like; "those of you couped up at home or alone are being very brave. We've been through bad things before. The sun will come out again and the clouds will leave."
I don't have parents or grandparents or aunts or uncles but this is a reassurance I needed to hear from a grandparent figure, or just someone older and trusted. You know that reassurance you needed from your mum or your dad when you were little? That it will be OK or when you run and fall in the gravel and split your knee open? That tenderness that says; "you're OK".
Captain Tom Moore's age, wisdom, gentle nature and the thought of what he must have gone through during World War II, instantly made me feel better. If he can endure war and survive and see that at this moment, there is hope, then it must be true.
I'd heard it before, the; "you are not alone" but it always seemed to be spoken by someone who wasn't alone. So, I'm still alone, still self isolating, but now, I have hope.
Work is tough, it's a stressful time, would be even if I was in the office with this project but it's made more difficult by the team being separated and everyone working from home. The tech isn't always up to par so that's a hurdle to get over. Physically, sitting at the dining room table for 8 hours a day is torture and I ache in every muscle. I drink endless coffee, it's decaf but still can't be good for me. On the plus side, I'm sticking to three healthy meals per day and not snacking.
I have a new weekend routine, you know I used to got to Starbucks on Saturday and Sunday morning and read. Well, Saturday now I rise early, do 3 or 4 miles on treadmill. Shop for me and Bee (who is over 70 and can't come out) drop shopping at Bee's on doorstep, go home, hit treadmill, do Sweat workouts, hit treadmill, catch up with Jan, facial, dry body brush, bathe, shower, facemask then wine.
Sunday is my rest day so; Lauren Roxburgh Unity movement medicine, (a bit like a pilates, yoga, foam rolling extravaganza) is nearly 2 hours long; jobs like ironing, cleaning. I foam roll some more, maybe cut the grass or weed the garden.
It's not over yet. The daily death toll is over 800 currently, I pray that we emerge from this with all of the people I love still here. Back soon God willing x
