Birthday Girl

I'm on the brink of another birthday and three days into a seventeen day break from work.  I feel old, stiff and mostly tired, really overtired, like I could sleep for all of those seventeen days tired.

Every so often, usually around a birthday or New Year, anytime I feel totally exhausted, I have a little therapy session with myself, a little Q&A.

How do we think the last 7.5 months have gone?

Work; a few highs, some extreme lows.  I had quite a few sleepless nights and sometimes dreaded going in, but I did, and as I left for my break, things were much calmer.

Health; not bad, still have a lid on my blood pressure and I've tried to keep up with exercises which prevent me from becoming too stiff in between physio session.

Finances; no better, no worse.

Emotions?  Quite frankly, been through the wringer.  Nothing like cancer to tip your world upside down.

So what's the plan?

Honestly, I'm not sure.  I do know that I need to change a few things.

I currently work out about twice a week, (at the weekend,) if I can make myself, which I usually can, but not always.  It's a little light cardio and I do some moves in the week for flexibility, if I have the energy, but, I can go all week without doing a thing.

For my body, and for my mind, I think I need to be working out 5 out of 7 rather than 2 max... if I'm lucky.  I need to incorporate more strength training.  I've started to do this already after buying 5kg dumbbells in the January sale this year.  I need to be more structured and consistent with this, also need to unearth the energy and motivation after a day at work, which is my main problem just now.

Diet?  By 'diet', I mean food.  I'm doing pretty well.  Well, in the past month, I've been reaching for the crisps and the milk chocolate more often, (my once luxury and infrequent treat,) but that's what happens when I'm running on empty.

Alcohol; You know that I love a nice glass of wine Col, but apparently, my body now cannot handle more than one, these days.  Go figure.  Wouldn't surprise me if I was tee-total by this time next year.

Sleep; Ahhhhh sleep.  During the working week, I average about seven hours per night.  Weekends and now, while I'm on leave, I wake naturally after about nine.  That's a huge deficit over a week, month, year. 

Commute.  The morning commute is fine.  I'm on the road by 5.40am, at the latest, the roads are quiet, or quiet enough for me to avoid any crazy drivers who are out that early.  The journey home is a different matter.  It takes twice as long, is nose to tail for probably one third to two thirds of the journey.  It's riddled with crazy people and juggernauts.  When you finally get to a free flowing part where you can put your foot down, someone is so close behind you that you can't see their number plate, pushing and pushing you to go faster and faster, regardless of the speed limit, it's stressful and I feel like I'm an accident waiting to happen.

Home; home feels good, calm, great actually.  The 'great de-clutter' is finally yielding dividends and I have less to go than I have already done... if you see what I mean.  The back burning project of the past ten years or so is finally coming to the end.  I would say that I'm 90% there, complete.

While I never felt like I lived in a 'busy' or disorganised environment, the new order has brought a new feeling of calm and peace.  Freedom. 

I need a million jobs doing; new boiler, bathroom needs re-tiling, new kitchen, carpet everywhere, decorate, everywhere, but it will all have to be done, one job at a time.

Hair... looking good, but still miss being able to throw it up in to a pony.  Not sure what to do over winter.

Right now?  Right now, I just really would like to sleep.

Pancake Day

I celebrated my time off with a little too much wine.  I just can't drink anymore Col.  I watched "Legends of the Fall", a brilliant film, (cried my eyes out.)  with a stellar cast, and a film that I haven't watched for about fifteen years, it was wonderful, all of the cast exemplary, I hope Sir Anthony Hopkins received some recognition for his portrayal of the Father.

I slept solidly for nine hours, then my alarm woke me, which means that I wasn't done yet, but it's a start.

I felt slightly hung over and not able to workout, but I did attempt one of my goals; to make pancakes.  Not the American fluffy kind, but the normal, English pancakes that I was brought up on, well, every Pancake Day anyway... the flat kind.  I'd unearthed Mum's griddle pan last weekend and researched recipes, I was good to go.

I have watched my Mum stand at the stove and produce pancake after perfect pancake.  She was amazing, but how hard can it be?

Turns out... quite, actually.  So, I rose, measured everything out and heated up the griddle pan.  It was only while I was standing over the heat that I wondered if my memory was slightly befuddled.  Yes, my Mum painstakingly stood over the plate and poured perfect batter, time after time.

Now that I'm looking at my batter, on the hotplate, wishing it not to fall off the edge, wondering if my memories are slightly askew?

Did Mum produce pancakes on Pancake Day, in the iron frying pan that I can barely lift, not the griddle pan... the one without edges?  Was it Scotch pancakes on the griddle pan?  An entirely different type of pancake, that was produced on the griddle?

My attempts were, how should I put this?  I mean, they were not terrible, but my pancakes did not resemble my Mum's, nor did they taste like Mum's.  Not sure where they went wrong.  Managed a few bites.  Better luck, next time.

Saturday afternoon and I should be doing many,  many chores, but I am, instead, watching 'Funny Girl'.  God, Barbra Streisand is beautiful and brilliant in this role.  Also feeling quite melancholy about Mr Sharif, a sad and recent loss. 

Aiming to decompress, need to decompress.  Really need to sleep.

Finally

For the past six weeks, I've been running on empty, as they say.  It's been a case of... head down, just keep putting one foot in front of the other, keep going to bed at a reasonable hour, keep getting up and getting ready, look presentable, head out of the door.

The day finally arrived.  Friday was my last day in for two weeks.  The past week, I have been going though the motions, trying to do everything I possibly can, just to make it to the end.

I had a brief conversation with God on the way to work, Friday morning, 'whatever happens today, thank you for getting me through the past few months'. 

I wasn't trying to hedge my bets, I honestly expected my last day before my much deserved break, to go to hell in a hand cart, but at least he'd got me thus far.  But it didn't.  I didn't have any last minute disasters.  I went to lunch with my two team buddies, the boys had a couple of beers, I had a tiny pinot grigio, and we chatted and ate gorgeous Italian cuisine.  Two hours flew by.

I managed to finish work on time and as I pulled into my drive, I felt quite emotional.  I could, quite easily have cried.  I was just exhausted.  I always get emotional when I'm over-tired.  I felt like I'd just run a marathon.

I made it.  I'm now off for seventeen whole days.  Can't believe it.

Fairytale Ending

It's been a week of extremes.

This week, I met my fellow Leonine friend, slightly older and by that, I mean wiser, more glamorous... gorgeous friend for coffee and a long overdue catch up.  Leo's  always get on so well, but we do. 

We need to talk at 100 miles per hour to cram everything in, in the hour or so that we have and we always vow to catch up again sooner.  My glam friend's main news was this...

After over twenty years together, Sacha and David married, splickity splat, no muss, no fuss... just like that. Sacha is actually my old boss.  Dear Lord, she was one tough cookie, but she was always fair and since I left, I can see the softer side of her.  After my friend describes the surprise and low key day, in walks Sacha.   She looks more beautiful than ever, the ring is simple, understated and gorgeous and I'm totally jealous of her ability to concentrate on the important part and not get caught up in the hoopla that goes along with so many weddings these days.

Thursday and Friday this week, I worked over twenty hours, factor in four hours of commuting over those days, and you can see why I was beyond tired.

I think you could probably describe me as a 'transmonster'?  You know, the one where Rachel and Monica are being quizzed by Ross for the appartement?  What is Chandler's job title?  If he did any of what I did this week, for nine hour stretches at a time... then according to Rachel, I'm a transmonster.  I input digit's to four decimal places for hours and hours at a time, and then checked them over and over again.  Sounds like a transmonster to me.  After the first 24 hours, my neck had a twang going on, thank God it's physio next week.

I re-watched 'Something's Gotta Give', I adore that film, and this quote; "I let someone in and had the time of my life"  Thank you Nancy Meyers... via Diane Keaton

John is a little older than me but he looks good, takes care of himself, if I asked him for a coffee, I think he'd accept, I swear I'm not being big headed, I think he likes me, I think he's open to finding someone.  I think he's a great catch however I'm caught up on someone else.  I do however think that he would be a great probability for one of two of my friends.  What the heck do I do?  How do you set someone up these days, without putting pressure on either party, without inflating hopes.  Why can't people just go out for coffee these days?

One of my best friends set me up on a blind date and it was a disaster and I think I put her off repeating the effort, for ever. 

I'm being harsh, it wasn't a disaster but I was my usual D'artagnon self, (on guard,) while my blind-date-ee did a great impression of an over eager puppy.  If he'd been a little more laid back, we would have made it to date two, even if we were to stay at just friends.

That's the trouble.  You reach a certain age and while women may secretly wish to, 'settle down', (I should swiftly add that I'm not yet one of them,) well, we can disguise it and be totally cool about meeting members of the opposite sex.  Men meanwhile, or at least the men I've met, have a distinct whiff of desperation about them.  I really don't mean that, but there is a definite whiff of over-eagerness shall we say?  (It's off putting, makes me want to run a mile.) 

It's a horrible situation, commitment-phobe versus a really good trier.  That's so sad because the commitmentphobe will always win, but if only they'd give the trier a chance...

So work wise, I have a crick in my neck the size of Orlando, I am exhausted and mobility deprived, (no lunch breaks to walk off my terrible circulation.)

Heart wise, I got a 'we won't lose touch' message from someone special.  I mean, we may lose touch, it's all just words and who knows but off the back of, 'you will be lonely and alone', it was perfect timing.

Smells Like...

It's another Friday and it's payday and I caved and bought a new laptop.  I know, I thought I was stronger than that too but I have to admit that I've been a little bored during the miniscule evenings that I got to enjoy this week, after work and before bed.

It was the cheapest on offer, it's a little clunky but it does all the things that I need it to do and I love it very much for keeping me company for the next approximately five years.

Needless to say, I'm now on a pretty tighter-er budget for the next month, but I can do that.  What I couldn't do, was go a moment longer without a hair cut.  After telling Steph that she was right last time and I did need more layers, I think she went layer mad this time, I'm a little panicked but I'll be able to tell tomorrow, after I've washed and dried it myself.

What did I do this week?  I did a headstand, I know, it's been on my 'to-do' list since I made my New Year's resolutions and I did a side plank thingy, you know where you balance on your forearm and the side of your foot and lift the rest of your body up?  Well I did that and I did, I think they're called side scissors, got them from Autumn Calebrese, and I keep having her words, 'you can do anything for 60 seconds' ringing in my ears as I do them.  I tell you, they work like a dream and they're not that hard.

Change of subject and last weekend, someone told me that I need to find someone, so that I don't end up alone and lonely. I have to say, it was like being stabbed, well I can only imagine but you can appreciate the magnitude. Long story, I was told that I needed single friends if I was to even stand a chance of finding someone of my own. I am acutely aware that I may end up lonely and alone but what do you do? As far as the friend thing goes, this may be really old fashioned, but I believe that the friends you are meant to have in your life, find themselves in your life, whether they want to be or not. I can't imagine going friend hunting for the single variety or for the married/attached version of such. I would just never go hunting for 'friends', friends find you. I've spent the last week a little deflated, pondering my potential aloneness and solitude. Will I... when do I get a cat? How long will I have been dead before the smell tips off the neighbours? You get my drift. There is much to ponder. What do I do next?