5th

It's November 5th and it's my Mum's anniversary again.  It's already been so many years but I think that if I lived for another fifty years, it would still be a sad and thought provoking day.

I know that she is fine, I know that I'll see her again one day, I know that I can talk to her any time I want to and that she will hear me, but I miss her presence.  I miss looking into those7/8ths brown and 1/8th hazel eyes.  I miss that dazzling smile.  I miss the laughter and seeing her screwed up eyes through my screwed up eyes.

This day is always rubbish, it's a reminder of having to let go of something and someone so precious.  Nothing can make this day OK ever again.  All you can do is get through it the best that you can and if your best happens to suck, then so be it.

On the plus side, it's cold, just 6 degrees but we have beautiful sunshine.  It's a bright and a little breezy day and I'm grateful for it, much better than a dark, rain soaked and dismal day.

Tonight will be strewn with the fervent whizzes and bangs of fireworks exploding in my sky.  If I had been given the choice, I would not have chosen the 5th for this to be her anniversary but, even on that first day, that evening when the explosions began, I did see it as a celebration, a thank you, a launching towards something beautiful, towards her next chapter.

I'll miss her until I see her again.