Christmas

Hi Col,  well, this was probably my worst Christmas since the one that came a month after I lost Mum, so many years ago.  Christmas week and Jan was run off the road by a lorry who didn't see her while she was driving grand baby home.  Both physically OK, Jan traumatised as any of us would be, Everly none the wiser, thank God.  I've been in extra support mode to anyone who needs me this week, this is my role in this life clearly.

Christmas Day, I have six hours of company.  That's a lot I realise and I'm not complaining, but that's the least I've had so far in this life and I know that this will decrease as the years tick over now.

Anyway, I have plans for the coming year.  This is my to-do list so far:

Practice saying No

Don't always put others before yourself (this is never going go happen)

Take better care of yourself, (we shall see.)

Get stronger / workout more

Try yoga

Be vigilant about your mental health

Deal with stress in a healthy way

Learn to articulate your feelings, (this is going to be a toughie.)

Honestly not sure I will succeed at all or any of the above in the coming twelve months but I think it's important to recognise what's needed, even if some of it gets shelved for a while.

Jan's been having a really hard time since the accident.  Logic goes out of the window when you have post traumatic stress and are completely freaked out by the thought of what might have been.  A few days after the accident, I was feeling the weight of being the only sister to be able to offer support, Jan came down stairs to find a wind up musical Christmas ornament that Mum had given her and hubby many years ago, playing and twirling all on it's own.  Hubby in the garage, Jan upstairs with dog, no one else around.  'Have I popped too many pills?' asked Jan.  No... that's all Mum.  I think it was Mum checking in not only for Jan but for me too.

Rings... to be continued x

Messy

I'm all for the rah-rah, we're strong, we can do this, we are beautiful army.  Except, that I'm that girl waiting to be picked for rounders.  If I'm picked for netball it's only because I'm10 years old and 5ft 6" and can be tree like, #exceedinglylongarms.

I started writing this days ago and now, I have forgotten my point so I'm just going to jump right in to what I think was the gist ...I'm finding it more and more difficult to maintain positivity.  It's true, I have to try to find the positive every single day and no, it does not come naturally nor do I necessarily find it.  I don't want to be one of those horrible, uptight, drags the day down kind of a person but lately I feel like I've become that.

It's a couple of weeks later and... I got the job.  Remember the job that I applied for one thousand years ago?  There was a lot of to-ing and fro-ing and a lot of miss communication, my department is dreadful at communicating clearly, apparently.  The main thing is, I'm so relieved I got the job and next year will bring a new start.  My 'big' boss's parting words were, 'my door is always open, I know it was a huge decision for you to leave and if in a couple of months, you think you've made a mistake, come and talk to me.'

Great to think the door is always open but shame they didn't want to do enough for me to want to stay in the first place.

Life is messy, let's just get on with it eh?