I'm fully aware that my writing mojo left me this past year but as we've been speaking more, I know that you understand.
To recap on a... let's say... challenging year, it's the nicest thing I can say about it; here you go....
January; new job and sister Bee in hospital with pneumonia.
February, new manager has turned into "bitch face", nastiest piece of work I've had the misfortune to encounter in twenty years. Trying desperately to remind myself that it's her, maybe her insecurity and not me, but I'm crying nightly and can't sleep. So painfully disappointed that this new job is not turning out to be what I had hoped for... a welcoming and nurturing environment.
I go to visit my friends down south and end up crying in Wagamama's as I explain the situation.
SS, One of our own is diagnosed with breast cancer, showed up on mammogram, no pain, complete surprise. Treatment plan commenced.
I change a light bulb for Bee which explodes in my hand and I have some tendon damage which goes on for months.
March; Sue, our other dear friend is still having chemo but only two to go.
SS has op and begins radiotherapy.
April Radiation and chemo therapy continues
May SS has all clear, tablets for 5 years, avoid the sun but doing great. Thank you God.
Car accident for me when someone runs into the back of me, while I am stationary, giving way at a roundabout Collar bone problem ensues.
June -- Start with physio for shoulder/collar bone etc. Doesn't hurt as much but not 100 and it clicks and crunches constantly as if bones are rubbing over each other, makes stomach churn.
July Sue's chemo is over and she's on tablets.
I develop a rash on the upper part of my right arm which initially looks like nothing at all until I scratch so much I tear the skin. Later, lumps under the skin develop. After about eight weeks, I finally see a Dr who prescribes steroid cream, rash doesn't completely go but at least I don't want to rip my arm off anymore.
Jan is hospitalised and on morphine for severe back spasms, seems to have stemmed from when lorry ran her off the road last December. It's weeks before she is back to her normal. It's like talking to a zombie while she's on meds, I'm sad and worried out of my mind. Don't think she'll ever drive again which makes me sad, she'll never just turn up on my doorstep unexpected again. Jan mobile; Hello! Me; where are you? Jan; on your drive
July, I'm waking in the middle of the night gasping for breath, feels like the worst asthma but I haven't had a bad asthma attack for many many years . While mid gasp, I start to wonder if I might pass out, and if I do, will I breath unconsciously or would that be it?
Eventually get a Dr's appointment and my doctor thinks it's something called Stridor. Uncommon but frightening when it happens.
August - another Birthday, another trip down south. Lovely to see everyone, trip included a memorable day with the kiddos running around a maze (trying not to show the kiddos that I was a little scared whilst in the maze, my first time,) They had a fabulous time running around and screaming at every dead end. What a lovely day that was.
September I attempt to arrange Christmas night out with the usual suspects. Sue wants to see how she feels nearer the time, I tell her it's OK, easy to add on nearer the time.
October I've had a cough for four weeks that just won't shift.
Sue in hospital with pneumonia.
November Mum's anniversary. Baby great niece turns three already.
Sue still in hospital.
Once Sue is home, I'm visiting weekly. Don't want to impose on the family but don't want to miss a chance to visit our friend.
December Sue very poorly.
Dr decides my cough is caused by blood pressure medication and that high blood pressure is caused by anxiety anyway.
Christmas night out, better than expected, we're all thinking of Sue and SS's Mum very ill. None of us are really in the mood. Sue is notably missed.
December 11th, Sue passes away.
Rash returns.
Overarching the whole year has been depression and PTSD, neither of which are mine, I'm just the.... listener.
Highlights of this year;
SS is well and good and here for me to spend time with.
I got to say goodbye and thank you to Sue at the funeral home.
Great niece Everly is an absolute tonic. She still can't kiss me goodbye but she will give me a hug and a kiss any other time. She talks about me to Jan when I'm not there, so even though I don't see her that often, I know that I'm in her head and her memories, thank God.
Jan and Geoff helped me fix my back garden fence and paint it, sounds ridiculous I know but I was so stressed about it and it now looks so amazing.
J and G are always there for me but this year, I've felt it more than ever, they've helped me so much this year, with the practical stuff.
A conversation in August when I was down south about theatre and wish lists resulted in tickets being booked for La Bayadere at the Royal Opera House, my first experience of the ballet. Cannot explain how much I loved that evening.
And, of course, that day with the kids running around the maze and hearing them squeal with joy.
I moved managers... five times, swear to God it's not me, So I end the year with manager number five. The team keeps getting "re-structured" and I seem to be the collateral. I was fine with the moves apart from the last one. I was looking forward to being with number 4 for a while but before I could settle, I was on to number 5. Hey, number 5 is brilliant and knows everything there is to know about our subject so I'm going to be sponge like and soak up all the information I can..... before I'm moved again.
The family seems to be fraying at the edges and I'm aware that we're all getting older and I wonder how many Christmas's we'll see without change.
By far the saddest part of this year has been saying goodbye to Sue, such a special lady and a dear friend. She was all about family but I hope that she knew how much her friends loved her too, I'm not sure she did and I regret not telling her while she was still with us. Hopefully she heard me when I went to visit her afterwards.
To say that I can not wait to welcome in this coming year is an under statement.
I understand what my GP is saying and that my bp may be anxiety driven but if you can't get a handle on it, surely it's just as bad as if I had compromised arteries? Anyway, I have a new mindfulness CD which I'm listening to on a nightly basis and I'm hoping this helps.
Feb I'm visiting everyone down south
Within 90 days, I'll be with you, in NZ at Tom's wedding. I was very lucky and for Christmas, Jan and Geoff bought me the dress I'd been eyeing up for Tom's wedding since last August. It's understated and beautiful and I feel like a million... pounds in it :D
So you have one foot in next year and I have one in this. I love you and I will be with you before you know it.
Happy New Year Chick x
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