Decision Day

The morning of the 24th loomed like a giant storm cloud.  For five months, we'd waited for the decision over our future at work, would the building close and the work be moved elsewhere?  Would we still have a job?  I've worried for months but the last few weeks have been pretty bad, well, I can only speak for myself but the last few weeks, for me, the worry has intensified.  For months, I've listened to harbingers of doom within the office, every morning, for up to an hour each morning, gloom and negativity spewed from their mouths, worst case scenario ruled and I didn't realise until this minute, not only how draining it was, but how much effort it took to deflect and neutralise all of that negative air pollution.  While I was trying to stay positive and hopeful to the day of decison, they slowly sucking the hope out of me.

My work buddy and I sneaked in to the announcement meeting and deliberately sat at the back of the room, like two naughty children, within a few paces of the exit in case we needed a quick...  The meeting began five minutes early, everyone was congregated and seated by 10.55 and a hush had fallen over the room and so the bearer of news decided to begin early.  In less than ten minutes, he began to get heckled, any information he wanted to disseminate would be interrupted and diluted and so my buddy made a break for the exit and I followed, it was clear that from then on, the man would not be allowed to deliver the information without constant interruption.

The news was not good, the office was being closed and sold.  I was ambivalent in a way, so the news is bad... it's kind of what we all exptected, what next?  I just wanted to hear the following information, however the man was being constantly interrupted.

My bud and I returned to his desk and we read through the information, uninterrupted, that had been delivered as we left for the meeting, via email.

So far, I have a couple of options to mull over, neither are attractive, I just need to opt for the most attractive of the two, and hope that my decision making does not suck as much as it did when I choose to leave a safe job, for this one.

I ♥ New Zealand

All of my life, I have known that New Zealand is a special and magical place, long before Peter Jackson cottoned on to the fact.  My Mum's one, true love, was a New Zealander and they met when he was in the NZ Navy, and stationed at the port of Liverpool.  Ashely was the love of my Mum's life and after marrying, having two daughters and sailing to NZ, my Mum spent a couple of years in that magical land. 

Mum docked in NZ, via a very long sea voyage with two babies, lived for a while on a sheep station with her new family, then moved on to Seafront Road, Castlecliff, Wanganui, before homesickness brought her back to Liverpool were two more daughters followed.  Death stole Ashley at the age of 35 and left Mum with 4 daughters, an iron will, a tough exterior, and numerous sister's-in-law, cousins, nephews, nieces, and all of them, friends and family, for a lifetime, regardless of distance.

Present day and my best friend has relocated to New Zealand.  Coincidence?  No such thing as coincidence.  I love how life twists and turns, the good, the bad, the heart breaking.  It's all part of the journey and while it can bring tears to your eyes all too frequently,  that's the ride. 

I have NZ cousin's, who aren't actually my cousin's, (but no-one mentions that.)  When I joke to a sister that I'm the odd one out, they don't get the joke, I mean that I have a different Father, they just don't see it.  I am the black sheep in the family except the family seems to be colour blind.

NZ will forever, have a very special place in my heart, whether it's because that's where the love of my Mum's life hailed from, or because it houses my quasi cousins or because it's your home of choice, the home of my best friend.  How could I not love NZ?

Weighted Down

I wrote this mid week.  I feel like I'm about to fold under the weight of everything that has been building for the past 6 months.  Imagine a Disney scene, Cinders is perched on a tiny stool while she hastily tries to sew together an over stuffed duvet, the seams are gaping with stuffing trying to escape and only being tempered by inadequate and straining thread.

Last August, I applied for a job, to make my life better, easier, or both.  I got it, transferred and within 6 weeks of me starting, the rug was pulled.  The seed was planted that within a matter of months, I may have not have a job.  That was November 13th and the uncertainty has nested within me, since then.

I've been on new and, "last resort" medication for my skin since March 8th.  It's an extremely mild chemotherapy.  I absolutely must not get pregnant.  I can't be in direct sunlight.  My skin is dry to the point that my hands, fingers, are beginning to crack and bleed, I've developed eczema, my face looks swollen like I've caught too much sun and there isn't enough lip balm in the world to stop this sensation of tightness, lips are pink, puckered and uncomfortable.  My hair is falling out, I have pain in my legs even when I'm in bed. 

I'm without my Mum for almost ten years.

I have permanent hormonal cramps and pains, (nothing to do with the skin meds.)

I realise all of the above is nothing compared to what some people have to live and deal with on a daily basis, (even members of my family,) and I have felt worse than this, ten years ago, even eight years ago.  Add the usual money worries and lack of hope of anything getting any better, ever, and I'm starting to feel down.  Another of the side effects of the skin meds is depression and suicidal thoughts. 

I am strongly aware that the reason I feel so low at the moment, may be due to the skin meds.  Other meds I'm taking to regulate... stuff, also causes mood swings and depression,  however, despite the double whammy of added potential, I'm also aware that I was on the brink of this already, without the meds.  It just feels like too much.

In two weeks time, I will know the answer to at least one uncertainty.  If I can deal with the pressure for at least two more weeks, I think I'll find some hope.  A plan.  I love a good plan.

They say that God only gives you what you can cope with.  Do you believe in God?  I do.  He should know that I'm pretty much at my limit just now.

Astro Twins on Fire

 

You know that I do love to read my horoscope, whether it's compiled by Russell Grant, Jonathan Cainer, Sally Brompton, or, in this case, the Astro Twins, who I check in with on a daily basis at Elle.com.  I read the Astro Twins run down of the month of April, for me, a Leo, and I was so blown away with the accuracy, I had to point out a few things for you.  Hocus pocus? Or is there really something to astrology?

Leo: July 23 - August 22

April 2013

 

MONTHLY OVERVIEW:
A hopeful Leo is a happy Leo, so this month you should be downright ecstatic, (okay, not this bit,) as several planets traverse Aries, your freewheeling, optimistic ninth house. (Not the rest of this paragraph either.)

If you can’t seem to get onto a “world is my oyster” kick, be proactive. Sign up for a thought-provoking class or convince a friend to join you on a yoga retreat. A perfect day for taking a mind-blowing leap is on the April 10 Aries new moon, when five planets will be in this wanderlust-stoking part of your chart. Fresh perspectives (not to mention adventurous, culinary excursions) await, so don’t bother debating the “shoulds” versus the “should nots.” Just go for it.  (The world is definitely not my lobster just now,  but I do have a bad case of wanderlust, mainly for your direction.)

Living large will help counterbalance the heaviness that sinks in on April 12, (this week had me feeling the lowest I've felt, in a very long time,) when plumb-the-depths Pluto turns retrograde (backward) in Capricorn, your sixth house of health and service, until September 19. During this five-month period, you may need to address a lurking-below-the-surface matter that has been affecting your physical, mental or emotional health (or, if the stressor is “big” enough…all of the above).   (Yes, I'm having some problems and the weight of the physical ones is wearing me down, maybe I need to investigate further.)

Pluck stressful influences from your daily environment and strip away everything that causes you unnecessary angst. Yes, this could mean hiding those annoying Facebook status updates from someone you were never friendly with in the first place. These seemingly minor toxic effects can take a cumulative toll, so don’t sweep things under the proverbial rug. (Long before I read this scope, I'd been thinking of leaving FB for some time, the constant and volumious update emails are intrusive, I'm a private person and I don't want to be bombarded with every detail of the lives of people I barely know, or knew 20+ years ago, although sad at the prospect of losing the ability to see updates on my cousins babies, the intrusion was too much.  As I tried to leave FB, I got a, "why are you leaving?" then a, "did you know you can...." and so I changed... something and now everytime I check my emails, I'm not bombarded by this massive intrusion, it's a huge relief and it sounds silly but I didn't realise what a stressor it was.  I now, don't dread logging on to check my emails.)

A pregnancy is also possible, perhaps even one you didn’t plan for—or you could hear news of one out of the blue. (Let's hope it's news out of the blue... and not me.)

What seems like a sweeping development at month’s end has actually been building momentum since the November 13, (November 13 was when we heard the announcement in work that the building would probably be closed and the work would be moved to another location.)

LOVE & ROMANCE:

Your laissez-faire ways could wane after April 15, when love planet Venus enters steady Taurus, your tenth house of long-term planning. Sure, seizing the day (and dancing on tables past sunrise) might be de rigeur for your fun-loving sign, but that doesn’t mean you don’t care about your future. Loyal Leos want to grow old AND stay young together—and if that’s too tall an order for your current beau, you might need to show ‘em the door. (Astro Twins have a point.)

MONEY & CAREER:

Show me the money, Leo! Your sign has a strong career emphasis all month, but for the first three weeks, a swell of planets cluster in fiery Aries, your risk-taking, enterprising ninth house. You’re dreaming big—like, private jet big. You’re jazzed by grand ideas, sweeping visions and even an entrepreneurial venture. (Isn't that normal... for every month?)  Freedom is your siren song, so you’re eager to follow the golden thread of whatever project or endeavour feels like your true calling now. (Writing.) The April 10 Aries new moon helps to shatter any self-imposed ceilings you might have, too. On this day, a stunning five planets are in this part of your chart, delivering opportunity and inspiration in droves. (We'll see.)

With so many planets in this ready-to-leap part of your chart, no adventure seems too lofty. If even a millimetre of self-doubt creeps in, return to the famous words of fellow Leo Henry Ford: “Whether you think you can or you can’t, you’re right.” (I love that quotation.)

Stay tuned: on May 9, a Taurus solar eclipse set you down a whole new career path. (I know this hasn't happened yet but it was too exciting to leave out.)

In fact, you could already feel some hints of the goose bump-inducing news that’s on its way to your door. The April 25 lunar eclipse in Scorpio, your domestic fourth house, could bring an unexpected offer to relocate for work, (I'm waiting to hear of an offer right now,) via an offer for either you or a family member. Perhaps you didn’t see this one coming, but in reality, this situation has been brewing since the November 13, 2012 Scorpio solar (new moon) eclipse, (remember November 13th? announcement day.) The April 25 eclipse is an important finale to the six-month cycle that started in the fall. (Six month cycle.  The day of the announcement was the day that kicked off 6 months of worry and uncertainty, thank God it's almost over.)

Of course, with introspective Pluto holding up a magnifying mirror to your stubborn ways, you won’t want to shoot the messenger. While you may be seething with (frankly, unhealthy) resentment, retrace your steps. Has “I’ll just do it” or “It’s fine, I’ll take care of it” become a self-destructive refrain for you? (Is my work place bugged?)Your capable ways can be either an asset or a detriment, and subconscious Pluto retrograde makes it very clear where you stand on the spectrum. You can’t spend another frustrated evening at the office (or at home, where you insist on handling everything, much to your spouse’s chagrin). So now is the time to be firm and assertive about your needs—before you either burn out or bail out! (Point taken, I've had a tension headache induced by work for 3 days now.)


HEALTH: MIND, BODY & SOUL:

Feeling sluggish? Now is not the time to chalk up those “off” afternoons to a passing mood or too many Swedish fish. With regenerative Pluto moving retrograde (backward) in Capricorn, your sixth house of health and service, you may need to dig a little deeper, dealing with a matter that doesn’t have a ready diagnosis. (I am having a few problems.) Another issue could be lurking below the surface and wreaking havoc on your physical, mental and emotional health. Since karmic Pluto’s presence can bring up intense clues in your dreams, don’t ignore hints or messages in your nocturnal wanderings, whether they deal directly with a physical or emotional issue. Pluto also rules hidden information, so if you have a nagging feeling that something is not right, demand a second opinion or seek out a new doctor, until you feel entirely reassured. (Okay well, I was talking to Robbie Williams back stage and he was my nephew, what does that dream scenario mean?)

One Leo we know has a history of colon cancer in her family, and when her GI was dismissive of her abnormal colonoscopy, she asked him how he might feel if he saw her name in the obituaries next year (talk about drama-loving Leo meeting macabre Pluto!). Happy ending alert: she found someone she was more comfortable with, who helped her address the underlying issue and now has a clean bill of health. (I'll be pushy, I promise.)

On a happier note, since the fourth house rules motherhood, a pregnancy or news of one is definitely possible.  (Stop with the pregnancy news!)

A word of caution: things could take on an unexpected, topsy-turvy momentum, since eclipses tend to bring unplanned events. Look back to mid-November, when the Scorpio new moon solar eclipse sparked the situation that is reaching a potent culmination now. (Official decision to be announced about the building closure and my job in two weeks time.) Perhaps you’re an apartment dweller who learns that your landlord is selling the building (selling the building!) and you’ll need to move out of your cherished abode, (leave my place of work,) the one in which you fell in love, had a baby or just spent some serious quality time developing your rose garden. While this news might feel like an unspeakable blow, (it was,) you may soon see the silver lining. Perhaps an even better place becomes available, or you realise that this is the perfect time to explore home ownership…or to make a big leap and relocate to another city altogether.

 

So is it just me or was that prediction, unbelievably accurate?  So, it leaves me, us, waiting for the silver lining.  Will I have a job by the end of the month?  Where will I be based?  Will I be pregnant.... lets not even go there.  I don't know if astrology is a science, an art form, mathematics?  I don't care, it's interesting and fascinating, and it's hopeful.  It's a little weird thinking that our lives are partially influenced by eclipses and planetary positions, but it's also comforting to know that there may be reasons for some of the things that happen in life.  I believe in free will, I believe in God, I believe that things happen for a reason and if planetary positions shake all of that up, so be it.

 

Extractions from April's prediction as detailed above was taken from Elle.com courtesy of the incredible Astro-Twins.

90 Years

Today would have been my Mum's 90th birthday. 

I vividly remember her 80th, her sitting in the chair I still have, opening cards in her blue dressing gown first thing in the morning, how amazing she looked for 80, what a great time we all had at her party, and all of the photos we have to remember that day.  Seven months later, she was gone. 

I miss her every day.  We're in the embers of the 9th now and, today was a toughie.  Every Mother's Day, Christmas, Anniversary and Birthday brings back memories but today, was tough.

Saturday 6th

Slightly different Saturday morning today.  Went to bed last night just exhausted, my body felt totally drained, I lay there, too tired to turn over before I dropped off after about 50 seconds.  Up this morning, jogged for 30 minutes, that was all I could muster today.  Showered, wrestled with the head, then set off for coffee at Starbucks and writing.

On the way home, I diverted to the Old Town.  My waxing friend and miracle worker Mandie, is moving premises and today is the grand opening.  The new place looks great and invested in, the old place looked tired and in dire need of a makeover. Now, I have been entered into the draw for a makeover, you know I should win, and I've had a guided tour and a bucks fizz while I chat to Mandie. 

I left Mandie after a brief watery eye session, you know how people say, "how are you?" and you reply, "I'm fine, how are you?" That's just what you say, whether you mean it or not.  Well, with Mandie, I can't lie and when she said, "how are you?"  I stammered and ummed and well'd and then my eyes filled up.  For some reason, I can't pretend in front of Mandie, never have been able to, it's like she's holding a mirror up before me and I have to be honest.  Anyway.  Gave Mandie a brief synopsis, dabbed eyes, pulled self together and set off to the hairdressers just up the road.

Louise, my hairdresser is lovely, even tempered and patient.  Even when I attack my own hair with scissors, she takes it all in her stride and is very matter of fact about it.  She always tells me to just call in to get my fringe taken care of.  I only go to the hairdressers about every 3 months, that's about as much as I can afford but of course the fringe cannot last that long, so I usually attack myself and then Louise has to fix it for me on the next visit. 

After several instances of Louise telling me to just call in to get my fringe taken care of, (I think this is so that she doesn't need to try undo my efforts,) I actually call in and wait to see if Louise can see me today.

I enter and take a seat and not 60 seconds later, your lovely Mother-in-law enters.  We kiss and hug and sit chatting for a good 10 minutes, she tells me all about the trip to the Coromandels, Sydney, Bay of Islands and how lovely it was to see you all.  We were both waiting for Louise and so while M got her hair washed, Louise saw to my fringe in all of 60 seconds.  I kissed M goodbye and set off for home in the sunshine. 

To anyone listening in on our conversation, it would be crystal clear from that brief chat, that we both love you very much x

Waist Not, Want Not

So, I seem to have lost my waist.  I've never had a great figure but I know that I had a waist, however, seem to have misplaced somewhere in the past couple of months.  Not sure if the raging hormones have nested in this area or if months on end of these freezing temps have convinced my body to make like a harp seal and pack on blubber to protect me from the icy temps.  The reading on the scale has gone up too.

Either way, I need to do something because my waist was the only distraction from my gigantic hips.  I need definition, pronto.  Next week, the temperature is supposed to hit, drum roll please.... double digits, or so I heard, plus, hormones will hopefully have calmed down a bit.  As we speak, I have Tracy Anderson by way of Goop.com, turkey and kale soup on the stove, so I am trying.

Just measured and I may as well tell you, waist measurement has gone up 4" in about 4 weeks.  What is going on? 

Job News

So, some good news this week, one of the two ways I could have been made redundant,  has been dissolved, or at the very least, shelved for 12 months.  Long story short but the department needed to make cuts and offered voluntary redundancy and enforced the selection process which meant you had to apply for your grade.  If you didn't make the grade, you would be made redundant, no ifs or buts.  However, turns out that despite that official line of wanting, "the right people for the department," now that so many people opted to jump ship on the voluntary exit scheme, they now don't have enough people to run the department and are having to fill the gaps with temps.  And so... they've got rid of the selection process for this year at least.  We are still facing the threat of the building closure and the relocation of jobs, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it and we'll know before the end of April.  It's been a long five months waiting for that decision to be made, well, I think it was made five months ago, but it's been a long five months waiting for the decision to be announced.

So now that I'm no longer required in the office on the 8th and 9th of April, (that was when the selection process was being launched,) I can now take the leave that I'd booked well in advance and I can take off four whole days, as planned.  It's much needed, I feel exhausted.

It's still freezing cold here and although the last of the snow finally melted this week, I'm still wearing four layers of clothing to work each day.  As I peer out of my kitchen window, I'm at last seeing cold looking green grass rather than the white stuff.

Tired of being cold in work despite layer upon layer of clothing.  Hormones and blood pressure still raging and so tired.

One Ugly Baby

I know what you're thinking, and I agree.  How could anyone, say that a baby is ugly?  I would never in a million years call a baby ugly, except... that I came across an old photo that was emailed to me... of me, I'm guessing that I'm aged under one year.  I look like a cross, fat, balding old man, and it makes me laugh.  Sister, friend and constant supporter B, is holding me, in the passenger seat of a stationery car and Jack, my father, is in the driving seat, looking on, hands on steering wheel pretending to drive, and I think I can spy a cigarette in his right hand, although I heard he was ambidextrous, which am I, to a certain extent.

My cousin Lyn once told me that I was; the most beautiful baby she'd ever seen.  These are words spoken by a) someone who loves you and b) someone who clearly hadn't seen many babies at this point.  I'm sure even Jack the Ripper was loved by someone, at some point.

I can't help but look at that baby in amazement.  Never in a million years, would I have guessed that ugly baby's story so far.

Good Friday?

Maundy Thursday in work was not good, I was the only one on my team doing the day to day stuff and for the second day running, I didn't get a lunch.  It's no biggie, it's not like I was going to starve, I just worked through so as not to waste 20 minutes.  I didn't feel good though, I've been starting with a cold all week and today, I have a sore throat and think glands are coming up, expecting tonsillitis just in time for the much needed 4 day break, typical.

It's Good Friday today and I slept okay, had my usual and current wide awake stint around 2am for an hour, then rose around 6am.  Still have drippy nose and sore throat, but it's no worse than yesterday.  Last Friday, my washing machine died and the new one is coming today.  J has arranged it all for me and in the first place, it could arrive between 7am and 7pm.  Later, we were told it would be between 14.55 and 19.55, lastly, between 15.00 and 17.30, which meant that I could go out for my coffee and do some food shopping this morning, and I wasn't trapped in the house for the entire day, you know how I hate to be trapped.  At 15.30, my new appliance arrived, such a relief. 

One Good Friday I will never forget, is when Auntie Phe, Mum's eldest sister was very ill, on deaths door to be frank.  We were all summoned to the nursing home and we'd been there for hours, we'd got there on the Thursday.  Around 2am on Good Friday, the night staff offered us all pea and ham soup, we'd been there for hours and I don't think anyone had eaten anything.  I didn't have any but B tucked in heartily, never one to say no to food, she does love her food.  It was only half way through the bowl that we realised it was Good Friday and of course, you're not supposed to eat meat on that day.  B, being quite religious was mortified but it was very funny for the rest of us at least and lightened the mood.  Seems like such a long time ago.