Weighted Down

I wrote this mid week.  I feel like I'm about to fold under the weight of everything that has been building for the past 6 months.  Imagine a Disney scene, Cinders is perched on a tiny stool while she hastily tries to sew together an over stuffed duvet, the seams are gaping with stuffing trying to escape and only being tempered by inadequate and straining thread.

Last August, I applied for a job, to make my life better, easier, or both.  I got it, transferred and within 6 weeks of me starting, the rug was pulled.  The seed was planted that within a matter of months, I may have not have a job.  That was November 13th and the uncertainty has nested within me, since then.

I've been on new and, "last resort" medication for my skin since March 8th.  It's an extremely mild chemotherapy.  I absolutely must not get pregnant.  I can't be in direct sunlight.  My skin is dry to the point that my hands, fingers, are beginning to crack and bleed, I've developed eczema, my face looks swollen like I've caught too much sun and there isn't enough lip balm in the world to stop this sensation of tightness, lips are pink, puckered and uncomfortable.  My hair is falling out, I have pain in my legs even when I'm in bed. 

I'm without my Mum for almost ten years.

I have permanent hormonal cramps and pains, (nothing to do with the skin meds.)

I realise all of the above is nothing compared to what some people have to live and deal with on a daily basis, (even members of my family,) and I have felt worse than this, ten years ago, even eight years ago.  Add the usual money worries and lack of hope of anything getting any better, ever, and I'm starting to feel down.  Another of the side effects of the skin meds is depression and suicidal thoughts. 

I am strongly aware that the reason I feel so low at the moment, may be due to the skin meds.  Other meds I'm taking to regulate... stuff, also causes mood swings and depression,  however, despite the double whammy of added potential, I'm also aware that I was on the brink of this already, without the meds.  It just feels like too much.

In two weeks time, I will know the answer to at least one uncertainty.  If I can deal with the pressure for at least two more weeks, I think I'll find some hope.  A plan.  I love a good plan.

They say that God only gives you what you can cope with.  Do you believe in God?  I do.  He should know that I'm pretty much at my limit just now.