Mother of the Baby

I have just watched "Father of the Bride 2", and it got me thinking.  My eldest sister was expecting my niece and friend Lea, at the same time that my Mum was expecting me.  Most peculiar I know, but it is an amazing dynamic and has always been lovely.  Lea is just 10 weeks younger than me.  I wish now, that I'd asked my Mum, what that felt like.

I can't imagine being a Mum to a 22 year old, expecting my first Grandchild and to be also expecting my own and last baby girl.... moi.

How on earth could you comprehend and process that equation?

My family is not without fault, but whose is?  I would not swap my set up, for anyone else's.  I love that I have four, older sisters, I know what 's coming because my Mum was the youngest of five girls and the last surviving of the five.  Not that I expect to outlive mine, with my blood pressure, but there is a chance.

I told my cousin what I'd been thinking, about Mum and how she had coped.  I wondered what it was like when I arrived.  'You're Mum strolled in with you, wearing a fur stole and 3" heels!' Don't judge the fur thing, it was totally OK in those days.  My Mum sounded awesome.

I wonder how much of this was bravado and how much was just the fact that she was born amazing.

My Mum was faced with major disapproval regarding my arrival.  I know for a fact that one of my sister's and my three remaining aunts, were all horrified that I was on my way, my Mum's favourite sister died six months before I was born, (my Cousin's Mum,) I would love to have known what would have made of me, but I'll never know.

That Was the Week...

Truth be told... terrible week.  I currently hate work, really struggling, confidence is low and on top of all of that, biopsy was this week.  I was on edge all day, checking my silent phone for updates every other minute, it was 16.30 when I got my first update; through procedure and on way home.  Just have to wait for results now.

I made it through to the end of Thursday and I'm off today, Friday, thank God. 

Now I'm just going to spill out all of my thoughts for the week Col.

It's Friday, had quite a productive day, so far, washed, ironed, mowed front lawn, re-potted amaryllis in new silvery pot, jogged for 15, shredded one bin bags worth of paper, recycled mags, did a little sorting.

A couple of weeks ago, I asked Bee if she would be able to knit me extra long leg warmers, (I get cold in bed but hate wearing socks... to bed.)  Then I asked if she could knit me knee warmers.  I know what you're thinking but my knees hurt and the wool makes them feel cosy and at least it doesn't feel like bone on bone.  A week later, she drops off knee warmers, which for the last two nights, I have been wearing.... on my arms.  Seriously, this could be a thing, it's genius, you don't overheat but you're cosy and warm when it's actually still quite chilly, it's lovely.

I unintentionally, (I know, annoying,) lost 2lbs this week.  Not sure what's happening.  Could I be finally growing into my own body?  I read everything there is to read about diet and nutrition, but I just seem to be finding my own way.  This week, I haven't done anything out of the ordinary, I'm eating, never hungry, maybe doing a bit extra every night but nothing major, literally 21 x speed skaters with 3kg dumbbells, hardly a life changer.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm happy with my body.  I am HAPPY WITH MY BODY.  Don't get me wrong, I still have cellulite and everything could be tauter, tighter, plumper, but I'm in good shape, and if anyone else doesn't like it, that's their tough luck.

Did I tell you that I grated my knuckle?  I bought a fancy, (cheap but sharp) grater, the modern, flat kind not the old fashioned like a box kind.  Anyway, I accidentally, while frantically grating my fresh ginger root into my stir fry, took a chunk out of my knuckle.  It was deep and bled and bled, literally through the night.  It has been ridiculously tender.  Jan gave me no love, Bee offers that maybe I nicked the bone.  Is that possible?  It's been so painful that maybe I did, but it's finally starting to calm down after about six weeks, finally, the pain isn't like an electric shock when I touch it anymore.

For the past four weeks, I've been in dire need of a Carrie day, so today, I am indulging in SATC, The Movie.  Note to self, if ever I am a bridesmaid, I need to be in "Miranda Blue".

I'm still reeling over Grey's but hey, I managed to go on without Cristina... just.

My go-to TV every night for at least one episode is either "Say Yes to the Dress" or "Say Yes to the Dress Atlanta". It washes over you like calming ocean waters.  If I ever was to be a bride, which I'm not, then my guides of choice would be either Sarah or Christiana (and of course Randy,) or Flo or Robyn in Atlanta, (with Lori and the divine Monty.)  It's fantasy and comforting and just lovely.

Brother in law had throat op on Friday, unexpectedly kept in overnight but released on Saturday, on liquid diet for 10 days. He'll be signed off for the duration, this will be quite a challenge for him, he notoriously does not do 'sick days' so we shall see how he copes.

On the plus side, Dear Nephew is expecting to be a Daddy and he brought around the scan pics this week.  I could see it, I could actually see a baby.  I didn't have to oooh and arrahhh at a blob and pretend to be amazed.  This is a tiny weeny human.  I could see hands and feet and a great big head. I could see seven out of eight pics, the eighth did look like a baby goat, which I told him but seven out of eight ain't bad right?

I remember, as clear as if it was yesterday, the day my nephew was born, I ran all the way to my school friend's to tell her that he had arrived.  I remember the very first time I saw him.  His Christening, taking him to the cinema, watching him play football.  And now he's going to be a Daddy.  His parents did such a great job and he will be amazing.

Saturday night was Date Night and every time I think of calling it a day, I have a great time and I realise how happy he makes me. 

Sunday, I catch up with all of the patients, throat op, back op, biopsy, and after having completed all of my housework jobs, I decide to have a lazy, TV catch up day, The Mentalist and Mad Men are calling.

If you are a Grey's fan, do not read on

I love Grey's, I worship at the house of Shonda.  I have invested the last ten years of my life in Grey's, and they have been a significant ten, personally, professionally, Grey's has been there, especially when I needed a good cry.

I have been inspired by the creativity, the bravery, the writing, the acting and the story lines.  It gave me hope, when there wasn't any and I secretly wished, that one day, I may be a, 'married on a post-it' bride.  So romantic, so ideal.

Grey's is clever, witty, excruciatingly real, and it has always told the story of love, whether enduring or fleeting.  Lexie and Mark, Cristina and Owen, Cristina and Meredith, Callie and Arizona, but above all, Meredith and Derek.  Screwed up, headed for Alzheimer's, arrogant, brilliant, strong, flawed and loving... it's Meredith's story.

I read that PD had wanted to leave for a while, and if you want to leave, really leave, then as an actor, surely you would want to go out with a bang?  So I'm glad he did and that nod, to that famous Grey's 'signature scene' was, heartbreaking.

Meredith and Derek had the rocky relationship I always hoped for, faltering, bump ridden, but true and brutally honest.

Christina was my almost favourite character, and I miss her dead pan... everything.

George, Lexie, Mark, left huge, gaping holes, and I know that Grey's went on, but still, this is Meredith and Derek... without Derek.   At the moment, I don't see how it can be as good, but I have faith, faith in Shonda and in Ellen, who will be acting her ass off, if she wasn't already.

End of an era but nothing lasts forever.  I'm in it for the long haul, but thank God for Box Sets.

You're Not Straight

You're not straight.  I'm not?  I could see it as soon as you laid down, your left side is almost normal, for you, the right side is really tight.

My physio is kneading my mid back with what seems like an enormous amount of effort and I can feel myself sinking into the bed.  It's like I'm being pushed into concrete.

I'd already explained that I had been doing extra long days, working through lunch and not sleeping great.  Seems like my back is finally saying, "enough."  I've also been warned off from crossing my legs at my desk, something I know.  I remember my Mum telling me so, so many years ago, that crossing my legs would give me varicose veins.  Well I don't have the vein's yet, but according to Vicki, according to my back... crossing my legs still carries consequences.

I tell Vicki that after finding Ashley Borden on Youtube, I'd checked her out, (amazing body, strong but womanly,) and listened to her advice; "dumbbells... that challenge," and after finding some 3kgs  on sale, I'd gone for it.  They are challenging and I can only do a few reps but I feel like Super Woman and my arms already look better.  I'm thinking of that song, arms connected to the, back bone etc.  Got to help right?

I've resisted weights for years but I'm starting to embrace them, it's all in the head, but I love how they make me feel, I feel strong. Even x1 set of 5 reps, I feel invincible.  You have to take it, wherever you can get it.

Goddess in Love

Who burns frozen veg?  The answer you're looking for, is... me, I do.  However that was two weeks ago and today, I'm Nigella Lawson, on steroids.  I am more than a  domestic Goddess.  Yesterday, I made a kind of pastry-less quiche, which is amazing (just eggs, spring onions, baby plum tomatoes and a little feta, oh and a teensy bit of extra virgin olive oil to stop it sticking.)  Today I'm having to-die-for stir-fry, I have steam mopped the front hall, cleaned windows, mirrors, ironed and sorted out my 'summer draw', that draw whose contents only see the light of day, once a year, if that.

Change of subject, and recently, (last week,) I fell in love with a top.  I know it's ridiculous but I was wandering around Topshop, trying to waste time, when I spied a woman, carrying this gorgeous top in her arms.  I should have just asked her which rack it was located on, but I thought I would put her off the gorgeous top, by asking.  So I trawled around and eventually found said top.  God it's beautiful, and so me. 

However, it's before payday and I cannot, do not have the ability to splurge before payday.  But it is so, so gorgeous. 

I shop with Jan on my day off, which happens to be payday, try on my nearest size, it looks more fabulous than I imagined.  'Get it!" Jan insists, however, it's too big and they don't have my size.  The shop assistant who phoned through to double check stock tells me that they do not have my size, but it really suited me.  Damn it, I'm in love.

So I search the Internet and every store in the Northern hemisphere, but it is out of stock/not available.  Because it's so unobtainable, I want it more.  It really is SO me Col.  I even did that thing, you know how I divide the cost by the number of wears to justify it?  If it cost £40.00 and I wore it four times, therefore it only cost £10.00 per wear, which is a bargain in anyones' book. 

I'm so used to buying things on sale, £36.00 for a top is probably going to give me a heart attack, but I do love it, so much, I think that for once, I may have to throw caution to the wind.

Biggest Loser - Challenge America

Oh boy, Oh boy... Biggest Loser.  I've watched it for years and just when I thought I may have reached the point when I would dip in and out of the latest season, (latest over here anyway,) they only bring back, the amazing... Jillian Michaels. 

This year, the team is additionally challenging childhood obesity.  I swear, if I had my time over again, I would be helping kids to be healthy, I'd be educating about nutrition and I'd hopefully be changing lives.  Maybe next time around.

Tsunami

I'm experiencing  a mini quake, a tremor, a, well... you can decide.  Incoming, major back surgery, incoming bcc, incoming determined shadow on chest x-rays., PET scan, lung biopsy, chemo.  None of these are mine you understand, but belong to those that I love.  You know what it's like Col, it gets you thinking doesn't it?

So, (I know, you don't begin a sentence with 'so', but I'm just talking to you... so...)  All of these people, mean so much to me and  I can't imagine my life, without any of them in it.  I don't want to imagine the alternative.  Most of all, I don't want any of them to go through what they have to go through.

It's a lot to cope with at one time, and I'm holding it together but I have a feeling that the, raggedy seams may not be held together for much longer.  Not without a little bursting anyway.

To compound the situation, my cousin Lyn, my one constant, is currently on a much deserved holiday, on a glorious Greek Island.  I miss her too.

This week, I have watched 'Up In the Air' and 'The Curious Case of Benjamin Button'.  Both films made me think.  'Up in the Air', I found sad, can't tell you why in case you haven't seen it yet, but I totally related.  'Benjamin', was sad too, but there was a line in there somewhere, along the lines of, 'it's never too late, or too early, to start over.'  That really got me thinking.

I believe in God, I believe in visiting this earth for as many times as it takes for you to truly learn life's lessons, maybe to even get it right, although I can't imagine that ever happening.

I read an astrology report, many years ago which said that this was one of my last visits, and for some reason, I believe that could be true.  I do believe I have been here before and yes, this could be my last visit.  Not that I remember any details, but from a young age, I always had that de-ja-vu feeling...  I understand that I probably lost you at astrology report. 

I always have this feeling that time is running out, maybe it is.