I was having coffee this morning in my usual haunt and I actually wrote to you while I was in there, literally pen on paper, something I haven't done for a long time. But, 99% of it was pretty negative, you know how I've been feeling lately. So, I'm not going to tell you what I wrote because it was more of the same, I thought I might be depressed but if I wasn't before, I would be after I read that festival of wallow and so would you be. So let's scrap that, shall we?
The part from this morning that I will tell you is that from Friday, I am off for seventeen days, seventeen whole days Col, it's my favourite part of the year. It's only Saturday and I've had twenty hours of sleep so far....absolute bliss, feel a tiny bit better already. I can just about see a tiny bit of human beneath the boulders.
Monday will be my birthday, as you know, but what you may not know is that there will be an eclipse too. An eclipse on my birthday Col! I mean... how often does that happen? (I know that someone could do the maths but you get my drift, surely it has to mean something right?) I've been praying for change and for help, for direction, for months now. I have a lot riding on the Universe and this eclipse. It's not that I think I'm more deserving than anyone else, and God knows there are horrendous things happening on planet Earth, it's just been a tough year, and I'm selfish and desperate for a bright side.
Jan came over unexpectedly this afternoon which was lovely. We speak almost daily but she hasn't been over for ages so I got to show her how much progress I've made in the box room and show her the new bookcase and all of the organising I've accomplished. As usual, when Jan sets foot in the box room, she cannot help herself and so she stands, peeling the old wallpaper off the walls, even though I tell her to stop, she doesn't and so the wallpaper of my early years is exposed, along with a gigantic substantial crack in the wall, which Jan assures me is fine and just needs some plaster. Have to tell you that for the past several years, she's promised that she and hubby will decorate the box room for me so she kind of has carte blanche to peel away at will. Do feel like we're approaching it actually being decorated though. (Slightly worried about gigantic crack in wall.)
So it's Saturday night and I'm watching one of my favourite films; Moonstruck. I'm sitting here wishing that I was Italian because from what I can gather, Italians are honest and vocal and passionate and speak from the heart. God, to be able to speak honestly from the heart, can you imagine the time it would save? Moonstruck will be followed by As Good As It Gets, another of my favourites.
So ready for the eclipse. So ready.
Sunday, 20 August 2017
Sunday, 6 August 2017
Preparation
Mum had me late in life and I have always known that if I didn't have a child by the time I was the same age as Mum was when she had me, then that was the nail in the coffin. The confirmation. The finish line. No baby for me.
Have you read that people who die, shortly before they pass away, that they put everything in order? Organise, sort, label? Mum did, all of her things were perfectly organised and where necessary, items had notes accompanying them, who things were for, the history behind the item etc. It's not the first time I've heard of this and these are not people with a terminal illness, somehow, their soul just knows to get things in order.
Anyway, it's not that I think I'm going anywhere soon, but I do have a growing need to sort out, give away what I need to, I mean, I've been the custodian of so much of Mum's stuff, most things I've redistributed over the years, now it's down to the nitty gritty, large pieces of furniture and photographs. So many photographs. Think it's time to start looking at them one last time, and then distribute. I have no one to leave them to, I may as well share them out now.
When I do eventually leave this mortal coil, I expect it will be CJ who is left to sort everything out and so I want to make things as easy for him as possible.
Anyone who's lost anyone and has had to sort through their belongings knows how hard it is. I don't want him to have a difficult time therefore, I have to get rid.
As I'm writing, Bee, custodian of family graves phones to ask, when she's gone, will I visit the family graves to talk to her? I haven't visited for years simply because I haven't felt the need to. It was Mum who told me that you don't have to visit church to talk to God, that you can talk to him from the kitchen sink and he'll hear you. I assume the same goes for family members.
I tell her that I will, but that she knows she's not going to be there, and I can talk to her anytime but she seems to think that conversation at the cemetery is the hot line to heaven. I'll have to work on that.
You know what I need just now? I need a Ray from Top of the Lake: China Girl. I need a non sexual hug from a Ray and I need to sleep on his floor, under his watchful, caring gaze. That's what I need just now.
Have you read that people who die, shortly before they pass away, that they put everything in order? Organise, sort, label? Mum did, all of her things were perfectly organised and where necessary, items had notes accompanying them, who things were for, the history behind the item etc. It's not the first time I've heard of this and these are not people with a terminal illness, somehow, their soul just knows to get things in order.
Anyway, it's not that I think I'm going anywhere soon, but I do have a growing need to sort out, give away what I need to, I mean, I've been the custodian of so much of Mum's stuff, most things I've redistributed over the years, now it's down to the nitty gritty, large pieces of furniture and photographs. So many photographs. Think it's time to start looking at them one last time, and then distribute. I have no one to leave them to, I may as well share them out now.
When I do eventually leave this mortal coil, I expect it will be CJ who is left to sort everything out and so I want to make things as easy for him as possible.
Anyone who's lost anyone and has had to sort through their belongings knows how hard it is. I don't want him to have a difficult time therefore, I have to get rid.
As I'm writing, Bee, custodian of family graves phones to ask, when she's gone, will I visit the family graves to talk to her? I haven't visited for years simply because I haven't felt the need to. It was Mum who told me that you don't have to visit church to talk to God, that you can talk to him from the kitchen sink and he'll hear you. I assume the same goes for family members.
I tell her that I will, but that she knows she's not going to be there, and I can talk to her anytime but she seems to think that conversation at the cemetery is the hot line to heaven. I'll have to work on that.
You know what I need just now? I need a Ray from Top of the Lake: China Girl. I need a non sexual hug from a Ray and I need to sleep on his floor, under his watchful, caring gaze. That's what I need just now.
LWUI
Col... I'm such a mess at the moment. I have been feeling down, pointless, short of joy, devoid of point, lonely, worthless, useless, inadequate, (I won't go on ;) for some time now, well, over nine months I would say.
I thought it may be depression or hormones and I have tried to cope and keep everything in check but, lets face it, I've been failing miserably. Long story short, I read an article this week by Kayla Itsines and everything clicked into place. The article is called '5 signs you're on the verge of burnout'. I don't actually think I'm a burn out kind of person, burn out potential for me is; Chief of Google, Chief of Amazon, Chief of Anything, least of all me, Chief of trying to hold down a job that pays the bills and keep home clean and tidy. Still... when you break down the list that Kayla provides; digestion problems, complete exhaustion, lowered immunity, problems focusing on tasks, experiencing conflict. I tick all the boxes, multiple times.
I'm all for self help Col but I'm running out of ideas.
I thought it may be depression or hormones and I have tried to cope and keep everything in check but, lets face it, I've been failing miserably. Long story short, I read an article this week by Kayla Itsines and everything clicked into place. The article is called '5 signs you're on the verge of burnout'. I don't actually think I'm a burn out kind of person, burn out potential for me is; Chief of Google, Chief of Amazon, Chief of Anything, least of all me, Chief of trying to hold down a job that pays the bills and keep home clean and tidy. Still... when you break down the list that Kayla provides; digestion problems, complete exhaustion, lowered immunity, problems focusing on tasks, experiencing conflict. I tick all the boxes, multiple times.
I'm all for self help Col but I'm running out of ideas.
July Sucked
This week sucked the actual life out of me. Tuesday, I left home at 5:05 and returned at 19:35. I did however get a 30 minute lunch break. Friday, I had a 10am meeting which finished at 15:20. We had two, we did have two ten minute comfort breaks, (they spoil us.) I was practically dead by the time I got home.
Saturday, I spent three hours in the box room de-cluttering, I swear I unearthed 100 coat hangers and at least 200 carrier bags. I took down the old curtains, I was going to wash them and use them as dust covers for when I decorate but Jan advised me to just... bin them, so I did, she has old duvet covers to use for that. Room looks much lighter by the way and really proud of my 'letting go' skills that have been painfully acquired over these de-cluttering years. Saturday was a toughie going through the jewellery box I had as a little girl and all of the remaining trinkets in there, each one a tiny, shiny memory.
Amongst the trinkets was a silver cross and bible hanging on a chain, inside the bible was a picture of Mum and a picture of me, I think it must have been my confirmation present from Mum. Going to clean that up and wear it.
Our virtual chat on Sunday morning was just what I needed, you know that I wasn't thinking of making the trip to see you for the foreseeable future but the Universe seems to be strongly pointing me towards my next trip and dropping hints like bombshells that it should be sooner than I anticipated, much sooner.
Saturday, I spent three hours in the box room de-cluttering, I swear I unearthed 100 coat hangers and at least 200 carrier bags. I took down the old curtains, I was going to wash them and use them as dust covers for when I decorate but Jan advised me to just... bin them, so I did, she has old duvet covers to use for that. Room looks much lighter by the way and really proud of my 'letting go' skills that have been painfully acquired over these de-cluttering years. Saturday was a toughie going through the jewellery box I had as a little girl and all of the remaining trinkets in there, each one a tiny, shiny memory.
Amongst the trinkets was a silver cross and bible hanging on a chain, inside the bible was a picture of Mum and a picture of me, I think it must have been my confirmation present from Mum. Going to clean that up and wear it.
Our virtual chat on Sunday morning was just what I needed, you know that I wasn't thinking of making the trip to see you for the foreseeable future but the Universe seems to be strongly pointing me towards my next trip and dropping hints like bombshells that it should be sooner than I anticipated, much sooner.
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