Ivy

I have to preface this by reminding you that I am not a total, physic junkie.  There are many charlatans out there but I have been lucky enough to happen upon two, in the world, that are the real deal.  Just so happens that my latest encounters with both, have occurred in a very short period of time.

Ivy is a very tall, very slim woman with long grey hair.  She's the kind that speaks to those that have left this world and are now, somewhere else.  I saw Ivy two or three times after my Mum passed away and it was like having a conversation with my Mum, for the entire session.  Ivy mentioned things that only Mum and I knew, and she was a great comfort.

Fast forward six or seven years and J and I were discussing Ivy recently and decided that we were well overdue for a reading.  J said she'd phone to make an appointment and in the past, we've always had to wait about six months and so J decided she would phone, just as soon as she remembered.

So a few days later, J is standing in line at the bank and as she faced the glass in front of her, she saw the image of Ivy reflected back at her, J turned around and Ivy promptly said "Hi!"  A bemused J responded with; "You won't believe this but I have a note in my kitchen to phone you."  "You should," replied Ivy.

And so today, J and I see Ivy.  I'm half looking forward to it and half dreading it.  If my Mum does come through, (incidentally, massive influx of white feathers recently, not to mention the dreams about her and my unplugged Sat Nav turning itself on in the middle of the night this week,) then I don't know if she'll be happy to chat or will happily tell me off.  It's been so long now, I'm not expecting my Mum to come through, but would be happy if she did, even if it was to scold me.

I spent an hour with Ivy.  My Mum was there from the get-go, as was my brother-in-law who, due to the 40+ year age difference, was the closest thing I had to a Dad growing up, plus, possibly my Dad, Jack, nothing was said to verify this completely, other than, "your Dad..." and I still have a healthy dose of scepticism within me, just to keep me grounded on this particular subject.  I've no doubt about my Mum and my brother-in-law though.  Comforting to know that they are watching, trying to pull strings and continue to care from where they are.

My Mother was extremely non-judgemental about some of my choices at present, particularly about my love life, which was a huge shocker, but did add that she would not be this way if she was still with me, which made me laugh, if she hadn't have said that, I would have doubted it was her, "if it makes you happy then go for it," was not my Mother's motto in life.

In short, my relationship, while it's a perfect match, for reasons out of our control, it will never go anywhere permanent.  We both had soft spots for each other as teenagers and had we got together then, we would have had a great life and had children together, but it wasn't to be.  I will find another job and I seriously need to take better care of myself.  There was no mistake that on this final fact, I was being seriously told off.  Weird that my Mother has been gone for almost 10 years and she can still put the fear of God in me.

It's what I needed actually, I've tried giving myself a good talking to, and it hasn't worked, after some blunt but caring words, I feel ready to make some changes. 

I'm sad about the relationship but I always knew it would have to end eventually and it won't be easy making the other changes we spoke about either.  Talking, mostly listening to Ivy was like sitting in front of a mirror and having my life and my faults and my mess, reflected back at me.  A warts-and-all documentary played back to me.  I feel like I've taken a look at my life through other people's eyes, they are people that love me but with love, comes truth.

Apparently, one of my main problems is that I don't talk to anyone about problems, well, such is life, if you're alone, then you're alone.

No happy endings here, just a lot of hard work, and changes to be made.  What do I know?  That even the most "black and white" people in the world, gain perspective and only emit love from over there, totally, non-judgemental love.

I cried myself to sleep last night but it was all just confirmation hitting home, confirmation of what I already knew.  I think I need to have some recuperation time, time to pick myself up, time to acknowledge that everything is not "fine" (my favourite and most utilised word,) then I need to move on.  So, pause, lick wounds, gain strength, go forward, with head held high.