Egg Shells

Hi Sweetie, how are things?  Things here, work wise... not great.  I feel so out of my depth. 
Can you remember learning to swim?  I can, vividly, never a strong swimmer and definitely not a duck to water, I mainly remember treading water and slowly sinking.  That's how I feel at the moment, well, for the past couple of weeks especially.  I have struggled since I started the job in November and I have been "waiting" to be found out, and found out, I was, a couple of weeks ago when I made a mistake.  I was rushing to comply with time constraints, hadn't considered how easy it would be to make such a mistake, (I do now,) and the mistake had to be admitted to someone who you would never, in a million years, want to admit fallibility to.  My colleagues, manager and even "big" boss has tried to reassure me.  It was an honest mistake.  Mistakes happen, it's not the end of the world.  Total over reaction by the other party.  But none of it makes me feel any better. 

I am sleep deprived and tired from walking on egg shells.  I'm second guessing myself every minute of every day in work and just waiting to make another mistake.

Coincidentally, my body seems to be having a bit of a meltdown.  The majority of my joints ache and I have swollen bits which, a week or two ago, they were not swollen, stiff or sore.  I am prone to ache in parts but I am wondering if my body is reacting to the worry.  I am a firm believer that stress will eek out of your body through a physical pathway, the way water will flow down a drain.

I thought I had found somewhere I could remain, learn and get good again, for the next ten, twenty years, now I'm not so sure.

I do feel like giving up but I know that I can't, I'm not ready to and I know that I should not anyway, that's not the answer.

I have learnt a vast amount since November but I probably have at least the same amount of knowledge to learn again before I can relax and so I know it's going to be a long and painful journey to the summer.  I'm not sure that I can balance on egg shells for that long, but I have to try.

Here's to the arrival of Spring, lighter evenings and learning.

Work Travel

This week was long.  Three days travelling out of five with work and I always find travelling tiring.  You don't sleep when you know that you have to be at a railway station to catch a 7.15am train to get to a 10.30am meeting, or at an airport for check-in by 8am.  Thursday was a twelve hour day from leaving home to getting to the hotel, (which was a bit of a dump.  The shower provided either cold or ice cold water, that's it.) 

I abhor poor customer service, I'm not exactly sure good customer service even exists anymore?  Recently, I've had several examples of poor customer service, maybe this is the norm these days.

I managed about four hours sleep on Thursday night, on the top of my bed, because the room was like a furnace and I couldn't reach the radiator valve.  Next morning, I had to ask for bread to make toast in the restaurant for breakfast, I figured scrambled eggs on toast would be a good start to the day as I wasn't sure if I would get lunch, but the staff had forgotten to put out the bread baskets.  I also had to ask for coffee,  but that's another story.

On checking out, I offered that they may want to check out the shower in room 40 as it only provided cold or ice cold water.  (This is after several calls to reception the night before.)  I had to actually spell out that, "I could not get a shower last night," before a very weak apology emerged from the receptionist.  Are the staff so apathetic that they don't think having a shower isn't a basic amenity?

Maybe it's me and my OCD, I hope that it's not my OCD, I hope that some standards remain.  Made me all the more grateful to arrive home.

TV

Quite honestly, TV, keeps me sane.  I can watch drivel but I can watch, and I can seek out, pure, inspirational, heart warming, life enhancing, gold.

Will you indulge me?  Can I just give you a sneak of one weekend?

"Girls" - Season Two finale entitled "Together," the last 10 minutes when Adam runs, (all caveman, sans shirt,) to Hannah's aid, I can't bring myself to delete and yes, this episode has resided on my TV box thingy for over a year, it's just too beautiful to delete.

Two legends, Ms Oprah Winfrey, (I would be dumb struck if ever I was to be in the very same room...) and Ms Tina Turner, in conversation as part of "Oprah's Next Chapter."  To begin with, this may sound a tad insulting, but I very much miss, being around the wisdom of the older generation.  I don't mean it to be insulting, I genuinely miss being around the older generation.

Anyway, I watched the conversation so that I could delete from my TV planner, but of course, I could not delete.  This wonderful woman, Ms Turner, for the first time for me, was not just a musical legend, but was an amazing woman, a woman who had survived trials, who worked so hard to make sure everything, everyone, including herself, could finally be taken care of.  At the age of 69, she felt like she had done enough for everyone and so she allowed herself to retire, finally.  At the age of 73, she married her beau of almost 30 years and she was triumphant and serene and just beautiful.  She is beautiful, and I don't mean looks, although she is that too.

I was blown away by this amazing woman's calm, acceptance and serenity.  I wish for her, another thirty years with her beau and continued tranquillity.

Does Alone = Lonely?

31st January was date night and it was lovely.  Got me thinking of what could or could not be.  I suspect, in my case, it's a case of cannot, which is why I choose to live in those particular moments.

Conversely, a good and old friend asked me on the 31st, if I was lonely, being on my own.

When someone asks you a question like that, you know that they are asking for a reason, for their own reasons.  You are their friend and you want to be honest but, because you are their friend, you must give a guarded answer.  What you say, may influence their future.

I offer that, my initial reaction is "no", I'm fine, I'm not lonely.  Then I add that, someone close to me, who scoffs at my going out for coffee, (entering my regular coffee shop on a Saturday or Sunday morning, for me means human contact.)  She will talk endlessly if I call in or pick up the phone.  Despite contradiction, I feel this person is lonely too.

I'm in a hurry to get to my next appointment so the next day, I text to say that people in relationships can be lonely too.  You don't have to be alone to be lonely.  Don't be afraid of being lonely.  Easy for me to say, but I think I'd rather be lonely alone, than lonely, with someone.

Young Blood

Happy February Chick.  Can you believe that we are through January already?  Mixed week for me, and I feel slightly battered by the experience.  Nothing major, just work, high blood pressure, even on the meds, blood donation, dentist/hygenist, physio, opticians and hormones.  Each one alone, nothing much but string them all together over five days and... I'm slightly tatty around the edges.

After a year of not being able to donate blood because of the meds I was on, I can now, finally do my bit.  I made an appointment at the donor centre early January and yes, it was four weeks before I could get an appointment to fit in with work.  I rolled up ahead of time, was late being called in and then... something happened, the needle really hurt going in, (never pleasant but more uncomfortable than usual,) nurse stays with me for 2, 3 minutes, highly unusual, gives me a squishy ball to squeeze, which I do, with all of my might.  After a while, nurse tells me that my, "flow is at zero".  Am I dead?  What does that mean exactly?  Lack of blood flow, cannot be good in anyone's book.  Nurse continues; "I think it may have clotted in the tube".

I know that I have poor circulation but I think maybe the needle wasn't in properly?  I don't blame the nurse, it's happened once before, I have slightly odd veins, in that crook area, I have a fork shape of veins, a "V".  Apparently, the branch of the fork that looks OK is a decoy, however, to my untrained eye, both roads look fine to me.

Anyway, nurse was very appologetic and I reassured her not to worry.  "When can I come back?"  I expected her to say, "four weeks from now."  "It'll be three months because we got some in the bag."  What?  Some?  It was a thimble full at best, I could come back tomorrow.

Quite frustrating but what can you do.  I have dodgy veins and apparently blood that moves at the speed of...well, apparently it doesn't move.  Are my veins, is my blood too old to donate?

I'm at my silver medal for blood donation and I really would have liked to get gold but I'm being selfish aren't I?  It's not about me, it's about giving blood.

Ironically, my favourite tune of the moment is "Young Blood" by Sophie Ellis Bextor.  Loved Sophie since her "Murder on the Dance Floor" days and she was a wonder on "Strictly" last year, (you really should Youtube her Charlston, actually, I'll try to find you the link.) 

Sophie has returned to her roots and is the proud purveyor of, "Young Blood."  Her voice is like crystal, I love the feel of it, the wistfull lilt, the arrangement, percussion, (it's like you are in a room and you can hear the musicians first hand.)  It's just beautiful, what else can I say?

 

 

OK, I would hate for you to miss seeing this.  This amazing routine was created at some ridiculous point, like week 2?  Very early on anyway.  Sophie quite rightly got to the final, a very, very, worthy finalist.  She was a joy to watch and she was indeed, made for the Charlston, amongst other things.  Don't forget, lines are now closed, and your vote will not be counted ;)  Could I get a job do you think?