Egg Shells

Hi Sweetie, how are things?  Things here, work wise... not great.  I feel so out of my depth. 
Can you remember learning to swim?  I can, vividly, never a strong swimmer and definitely not a duck to water, I mainly remember treading water and slowly sinking.  That's how I feel at the moment, well, for the past couple of weeks especially.  I have struggled since I started the job in November and I have been "waiting" to be found out, and found out, I was, a couple of weeks ago when I made a mistake.  I was rushing to comply with time constraints, hadn't considered how easy it would be to make such a mistake, (I do now,) and the mistake had to be admitted to someone who you would never, in a million years, want to admit fallibility to.  My colleagues, manager and even "big" boss has tried to reassure me.  It was an honest mistake.  Mistakes happen, it's not the end of the world.  Total over reaction by the other party.  But none of it makes me feel any better. 

I am sleep deprived and tired from walking on egg shells.  I'm second guessing myself every minute of every day in work and just waiting to make another mistake.

Coincidentally, my body seems to be having a bit of a meltdown.  The majority of my joints ache and I have swollen bits which, a week or two ago, they were not swollen, stiff or sore.  I am prone to ache in parts but I am wondering if my body is reacting to the worry.  I am a firm believer that stress will eek out of your body through a physical pathway, the way water will flow down a drain.

I thought I had found somewhere I could remain, learn and get good again, for the next ten, twenty years, now I'm not so sure.

I do feel like giving up but I know that I can't, I'm not ready to and I know that I should not anyway, that's not the answer.

I have learnt a vast amount since November but I probably have at least the same amount of knowledge to learn again before I can relax and so I know it's going to be a long and painful journey to the summer.  I'm not sure that I can balance on egg shells for that long, but I have to try.

Here's to the arrival of Spring, lighter evenings and learning.