Pregnant.... Pause

I have always wanted kids, or at least.. kid.  A few years ago, a trusted, psychic told me... (I realise I sound insane, but you know that I only visit psychics sporadically and those that are without doubt the real deal, and, it is of course, for entertainment purposes only.)  Well, Ivy, who over the years, has told me only things that me and my late Mum would have known, once told me to; 'be careful you're not like you're Mum.' 

What Ivy meant was that my Mum found herself pregnant, with me, at the age of 45, she was 46 when I was born. 

While I was horrified at the thought of being pregnant, for the first time, at that 'great' age, quite frankly, at any age, I would have been horrified even if I'd been happily married for ten years and still only about thirtyish.  But, at the same time, and I know it's easy for me to say, but I think I would have been a good Mum, terrified, but, good, well, passable, let's just say that I don't think I would have dropped them on their heads.

This year, my 44th heading, head long into my 45th year, has passed by at warp speed, time was truly running out.

One of my best, 40ish friends, who has never come across as remotely maternal announced on our latest coffee date, that she is pregnant.

I am both stunned and overjoyed for her, simultaneously.  I am so, so, so, happy for my friend and her partner but at the same time, it felt like... it felt like in the midst of the heat wave we were having, that I'd been hit in the face with a snow ball.  Stuns, stings for a second, snow falls away and you're fine, almost.

Have you seen the Sex and the City film, the original?  Carrie phones Samantha to announce that she's getting married to Big and Samantha is curt with her.  Then Samantha phones Carrie back to apologise, she was stunned and had her in a compartment, the, 'we are never getting married' compartment, and now Samantha will have to re-file her friend.

Well, that's kind of how I felt with my lovely friend.  I had my friend in a file, the, 'we are never having kids file' and now, I have to re-file her, not only that, but for the best part, I'll lose her, because that's what happens.  I am more than happy to lose my friend, for this wonderful cause though.

I just think, that my friend's story, is a fairy tale and it's the best news I've had, all year.

I have consoled myself with alcohol and of course, I've gained weight, which makes me wonder, am I pregnant and now, do I need to worry about foetal alcohol syndrome.  Wouldn't it be ironic?  I am of course being horribly unfunny,  but you get my drift.

I'm OK, I started writing this a good few weeks ago, I have processed the; 'I am never having kids' scenario and while I still feel a loss, well, God knows better, just wasn't meant to be for me, this time around.