I know I haven't written much for ages but in these times, I'm thinking this might be something to keep me sane.
Thank God Tom and Kayla's wedding was this time last year and I was able to visit you and the family. For that, I will be forever grateful.
Fast forward to now and after a somewhat woolly message on Tuesday about maybe working from home, I got an urgent call from my one up boss to ask; have you read the message from Simon?
No, I've been talking to a colleague about next weeks auction.
You need to pack up, right now and go home
And that was it. For the foreseeable future. Solo me, is working from home and not seeing any family or friends or colleagues for maybe, if today's reports are true, up to 12 weeks but we're probably talking many, many more months actually.
Quite honestly, I'm trying not to freak out because this isn't a week or a month thing, this could be it... for a while. A while could be three months, could be twelve months but I can't think about that. I'm just going to have to take it day by day.
As you know, I can't stay in. In the recent "olden times" I would head out for a coffee with a book or three on Saturday and Sunday morning to sit in a coffee shop, chat to the staff and sit in the window, on my own and read for an hour, mainly to stop me from getting cabin fever from being at home alone. I was alone there in that coffee shop still but not alone if that makes sense. Now, the coffee shops are closed and so I have nowhere to go.
It's early days yet. My general anxiety has given me the following;
Hight blood pressure
Stress Itch (no rash but about 4 inches on the top of my right arm that I could rip off when it's itching)
Stomach ache when I eat
TMJ
Headaches
Dizziness
And so.... on my last visit to my Doctor, pre lockdown, he asked me; are we treating the symptoms or the cause?
He said that I was always; "a rabbit in headlights" and that I needed to do something about my anxiety.
I didn't know I was anxious, I thought that was just me.
Anyway, he suggested some temporary medication and a gym membership.
Maths done and home gym equipment audited, I decided rather than a gym membership, I would purchase a treadmill. I used to love jogging, I really did get that runner's high and I miss it. If I joined a gym, it would only be for the treadmill. My area is not one that I would jog alone in.
I have all the other gym equipment, barbell, kettlebell, weights, stretchy bands, so, right before this got serious, I ordered a treadmill, it arrived on Monday, was assembled on Tuesday by dear brother in law and Tuesday lunchtime, I was home to work, for the foreseeable.
The first four weeks, I tried to create a new routine and that helped me; up at the same time, exercise, work, exercise, work, healthy eating and bed at the same time. Sleep wasn't great but from the people I did speak to, no one is sleeping well at the moment.
Weeks 1 to 4 were tough. I have never felt more alone in my life, never more isolated. I could feel myself withdrawing by the day, work tech problems meant that I could see colleagues but they couldn't see me. I could say "I'm OK thanks, how are you?" When I wasn't fine at all and no one could tell. My biggest fear is history repeating itself, my Mum was the youngest of five girls as am I. She had to say goodbye to all of her sisters one by one and I know, what lies ahead for me now more than ever. I'm close to two of my sisters but one day, if natural order has anything to do with it, they will leave before me and this is what it will feel like. This was a simulation of what is to come.
Chatting to you helped and Susie set up a group chat which happened every couple of weeks, I spoke to Jan every night, Don phoned me on Easter Sunday and Sheila checked in with me every week or so. I'm so blessed with my friends. I haven't heard from my other two sisters who have family but didn't expect to.
Then, something happened. Captain Tom Moore happened. A 99 year old war veteran set out to raise £1000 for the NHS by walking, with his walking aid, 100 25m laps of his garden before he turned 100 years old in two weeks. Well, Captain Tom achieved his goal, became a national hero and a beacon of light oh, and he has so far raised close to £30,000,000 for the NHS God Bless Him. On completing his 100 laps, the tv cameras were on him and he said something like; "those of you couped up at home or alone are being very brave. We've been through bad things before. The sun will come out again and the clouds will leave."
I don't have parents or grandparents or aunts or uncles but this is a reassurance I needed to hear from a grandparent figure, or just someone older and trusted. You know that reassurance you needed from your mum or your dad when you were little? That it will be OK or when you run and fall in the gravel and split your knee open? That tenderness that says; "you're OK".
Captain Tom Moore's age, wisdom, gentle nature and the thought of what he must have gone through during World War II, instantly made me feel better. If he can endure war and survive and see that at this moment, there is hope, then it must be true.
I'd heard it before, the; "you are not alone" but it always seemed to be spoken by someone who wasn't alone. So, I'm still alone, still self isolating, but now, I have hope.
Work is tough, it's a stressful time, would be even if I was in the office with this project but it's made more difficult by the team being separated and everyone working from home. The tech isn't always up to par so that's a hurdle to get over. Physically, sitting at the dining room table for 8 hours a day is torture and I ache in every muscle. I drink endless coffee, it's decaf but still can't be good for me. On the plus side, I'm sticking to three healthy meals per day and not snacking.
I have a new weekend routine, you know I used to got to Starbucks on Saturday and Sunday morning and read. Well, Saturday now I rise early, do 3 or 4 miles on treadmill. Shop for me and Bee (who is over 70 and can't come out) drop shopping at Bee's on doorstep, go home, hit treadmill, do Sweat workouts, hit treadmill, catch up with Jan, facial, dry body brush, bathe, shower, facemask then wine.
Sunday is my rest day so; Lauren Roxburgh Unity movement medicine, (a bit like a pilates, yoga, foam rolling extravaganza) is nearly 2 hours long; jobs like ironing, cleaning. I foam roll some more, maybe cut the grass or weed the garden.
It's not over yet. The daily death toll is over 800 currently, I pray that we emerge from this with all of the people I love still here. Back soon God willing x
Sunday, 19 April 2020
Tuesday, 23 April 2019
To BBG or not to BBG
For approximately two years now, I've been contemplating even attempting Kayla Itsines' BBG, Sweat exercise app. Even the chance of a free seven day trial wasn't enough to get me to leap into the unknown. a) It looked tough, b) didn't think I could do it, c) how would I find the time and or motivation, d) If I tried and failed, would I feel worse then ever?
A seven day free trial wasn't enough to tempt me but a special offer via a magazine for 4 free weeks was. I thought, give it four weeks, see if I can find the time, motivation, see if you can actually do the exercises and see where we go from there.
So, on the programme, you need to find three days a week to shoehorn in a 28 minute workout plus a few minutes cool down, (do not, whatever you do, skip the cool down.)
You also need to find three and then four days a week to complete a brisk walk for 35 minutes. This, I can easily slot into my day as I get a lunch break on most days, if not, I can complete later in the day.
I modify quite a bit, like burpees, mountain climbers, straight leg jack knifes, but there's lots I can do; step ups, skipping, bicycles, straight leg sit ups. In my mind, this is old school exercise, but it's put together in such a way that; it stays fresh, even when it's hard, you don't give up, even if you modify, you still get results and it doesn't feel like 28 minutes. Kayla and co creator Tobi are genius.
How's it going? Well, I began with the mantra of; "not going to kill myself, just do what you can and work up." Not going to lie, first 8 days, I was stiff and sore, despite the mantra, (don't get me wrong, been much worse in previous attempts at getting fit.) After 4 weeks, I could see results and I took the leap to sign up for a year's membership. I'm honestly so impressed with the positive changes after 5 weeks now, I can't wait to see how I look and feel at the end of the twelve week programme and then after 12 months.
I'm not overweight but I was carrying a few pounds of pure fat in strategic places, unforgiving places. I had become so untoned and especially after Christmas and the indulgences that go with it such as brie and chocolate, so much chocolate, I felt like I had no muscle tone left in me. My upper body was horribly weak and my shoulder is still giving me problems after last year's road accident. I need to get stronger and by that I mean I need more muscle tone.
I have had to make changes to accommodate getting the exercise in. By the time I've exercised, showered, eaten and washed up, it's 7.30pm, which is late when you're up at 4.20am every day, but I eat light so it's OK, just don't feel like I have much of a wind down after my day in work. Still, it's worth it.
I'll be with you in a few weeks time and I'm hoping to be able to keep up my workouts while I'm in NZ. No reason why I can't as it's all on my phone, unless I slip into "holiday mode" but we'll see. Not going to beat myself up if I skip a workout. Still, hoping you'll be working out with me.
If you've been wondering; "should I?" "Could I?" Give it a go, Kayla and co creator Tobi Pearce (co-creator / groom to be,) are amazing, no muss, no fuss Aussie's with a programme that truly works.
Well that's it. Regardless of any breaks in training, I've paid for twelve months membership. Excited to see if I feel any different by January next year. I do know I feel better already and if I don't make any further progress, it's still been worth it.
A seven day free trial wasn't enough to tempt me but a special offer via a magazine for 4 free weeks was. I thought, give it four weeks, see if I can find the time, motivation, see if you can actually do the exercises and see where we go from there.
So, on the programme, you need to find three days a week to shoehorn in a 28 minute workout plus a few minutes cool down, (do not, whatever you do, skip the cool down.)
You also need to find three and then four days a week to complete a brisk walk for 35 minutes. This, I can easily slot into my day as I get a lunch break on most days, if not, I can complete later in the day.
I modify quite a bit, like burpees, mountain climbers, straight leg jack knifes, but there's lots I can do; step ups, skipping, bicycles, straight leg sit ups. In my mind, this is old school exercise, but it's put together in such a way that; it stays fresh, even when it's hard, you don't give up, even if you modify, you still get results and it doesn't feel like 28 minutes. Kayla and co creator Tobi are genius.
How's it going? Well, I began with the mantra of; "not going to kill myself, just do what you can and work up." Not going to lie, first 8 days, I was stiff and sore, despite the mantra, (don't get me wrong, been much worse in previous attempts at getting fit.) After 4 weeks, I could see results and I took the leap to sign up for a year's membership. I'm honestly so impressed with the positive changes after 5 weeks now, I can't wait to see how I look and feel at the end of the twelve week programme and then after 12 months.
I'm not overweight but I was carrying a few pounds of pure fat in strategic places, unforgiving places. I had become so untoned and especially after Christmas and the indulgences that go with it such as brie and chocolate, so much chocolate, I felt like I had no muscle tone left in me. My upper body was horribly weak and my shoulder is still giving me problems after last year's road accident. I need to get stronger and by that I mean I need more muscle tone.
I have had to make changes to accommodate getting the exercise in. By the time I've exercised, showered, eaten and washed up, it's 7.30pm, which is late when you're up at 4.20am every day, but I eat light so it's OK, just don't feel like I have much of a wind down after my day in work. Still, it's worth it.
I'll be with you in a few weeks time and I'm hoping to be able to keep up my workouts while I'm in NZ. No reason why I can't as it's all on my phone, unless I slip into "holiday mode" but we'll see. Not going to beat myself up if I skip a workout. Still, hoping you'll be working out with me.
If you've been wondering; "should I?" "Could I?" Give it a go, Kayla and co creator Tobi Pearce (co-creator / groom to be,) are amazing, no muss, no fuss Aussie's with a programme that truly works.
Well that's it. Regardless of any breaks in training, I've paid for twelve months membership. Excited to see if I feel any different by January next year. I do know I feel better already and if I don't make any further progress, it's still been worth it.
Sunday, 27 January 2019
Farewell 2018
Hello My Friend,
I'm fully aware that my writing mojo left me this past year but as we've been speaking more, I know that you understand.
To recap on a... let's say... challenging year, it's the nicest thing I can say about it; here you go....
January; new job and sister Bee in hospital with pneumonia.
February, new manager has turned into "bitch face", nastiest piece of work I've had the misfortune to encounter in twenty years. Trying desperately to remind myself that it's her, maybe her insecurity and not me, but I'm crying nightly and can't sleep. So painfully disappointed that this new job is not turning out to be what I had hoped for... a welcoming and nurturing environment.
I go to visit my friends down south and end up crying in Wagamama's as I explain the situation.
SS, One of our own is diagnosed with breast cancer, showed up on mammogram, no pain, complete surprise. Treatment plan commenced.
I change a light bulb for Bee which explodes in my hand and I have some tendon damage which goes on for months.
March; Sue, our other dear friend is still having chemo but only two to go.
SS has op and begins radiotherapy.
April Radiation and chemo therapy continues
May SS has all clear, tablets for 5 years, avoid the sun but doing great. Thank you God.
Car accident for me when someone runs into the back of me, while I am stationary, giving way at a roundabout Collar bone problem ensues.
June -- Start with physio for shoulder/collar bone etc. Doesn't hurt as much but not 100 and it clicks and crunches constantly as if bones are rubbing over each other, makes stomach churn.
July Sue's chemo is over and she's on tablets.
I develop a rash on the upper part of my right arm which initially looks like nothing at all until I scratch so much I tear the skin. Later, lumps under the skin develop. After about eight weeks, I finally see a Dr who prescribes steroid cream, rash doesn't completely go but at least I don't want to rip my arm off anymore.
Jan is hospitalised and on morphine for severe back spasms, seems to have stemmed from when lorry ran her off the road last December. It's weeks before she is back to her normal. It's like talking to a zombie while she's on meds, I'm sad and worried out of my mind. Don't think she'll ever drive again which makes me sad, she'll never just turn up on my doorstep unexpected again. Jan mobile; Hello! Me; where are you? Jan; on your drive
July, I'm waking in the middle of the night gasping for breath, feels like the worst asthma but I haven't had a bad asthma attack for many many years . While mid gasp, I start to wonder if I might pass out, and if I do, will I breath unconsciously or would that be it?
Eventually get a Dr's appointment and my doctor thinks it's something called Stridor. Uncommon but frightening when it happens.
August - another Birthday, another trip down south. Lovely to see everyone, trip included a memorable day with the kiddos running around a maze (trying not to show the kiddos that I was a little scared whilst in the maze, my first time,) They had a fabulous time running around and screaming at every dead end. What a lovely day that was.
September I attempt to arrange Christmas night out with the usual suspects. Sue wants to see how she feels nearer the time, I tell her it's OK, easy to add on nearer the time.
October I've had a cough for four weeks that just won't shift.
Sue in hospital with pneumonia.
November Mum's anniversary. Baby great niece turns three already.
Sue still in hospital.
Once Sue is home, I'm visiting weekly. Don't want to impose on the family but don't want to miss a chance to visit our friend.
December Sue very poorly.
Dr decides my cough is caused by blood pressure medication and that high blood pressure is caused by anxiety anyway.
Christmas night out, better than expected, we're all thinking of Sue and SS's Mum very ill. None of us are really in the mood. Sue is notably missed.
December 11th, Sue passes away.
Rash returns.
Overarching the whole year has been depression and PTSD, neither of which are mine, I'm just the.... listener.
Highlights of this year;
SS is well and good and here for me to spend time with.
I got to say goodbye and thank you to Sue at the funeral home.
Great niece Everly is an absolute tonic. She still can't kiss me goodbye but she will give me a hug and a kiss any other time. She talks about me to Jan when I'm not there, so even though I don't see her that often, I know that I'm in her head and her memories, thank God.
Jan and Geoff helped me fix my back garden fence and paint it, sounds ridiculous I know but I was so stressed about it and it now looks so amazing.
J and G are always there for me but this year, I've felt it more than ever, they've helped me so much this year, with the practical stuff.
A conversation in August when I was down south about theatre and wish lists resulted in tickets being booked for La Bayadere at the Royal Opera House, my first experience of the ballet. Cannot explain how much I loved that evening.
And, of course, that day with the kids running around the maze and hearing them squeal with joy.
I moved managers... five times, swear to God it's not me, So I end the year with manager number five. The team keeps getting "re-structured" and I seem to be the collateral. I was fine with the moves apart from the last one. I was looking forward to being with number 4 for a while but before I could settle, I was on to number 5. Hey, number 5 is brilliant and knows everything there is to know about our subject so I'm going to be sponge like and soak up all the information I can..... before I'm moved again.
The family seems to be fraying at the edges and I'm aware that we're all getting older and I wonder how many Christmas's we'll see without change.
By far the saddest part of this year has been saying goodbye to Sue, such a special lady and a dear friend. She was all about family but I hope that she knew how much her friends loved her too, I'm not sure she did and I regret not telling her while she was still with us. Hopefully she heard me when I went to visit her afterwards.
To say that I can not wait to welcome in this coming year is an under statement.
I understand what my GP is saying and that my bp may be anxiety driven but if you can't get a handle on it, surely it's just as bad as if I had compromised arteries? Anyway, I have a new mindfulness CD which I'm listening to on a nightly basis and I'm hoping this helps.
Feb I'm visiting everyone down south
Within 90 days, I'll be with you, in NZ at Tom's wedding. I was very lucky and for Christmas, Jan and Geoff bought me the dress I'd been eyeing up for Tom's wedding since last August. It's understated and beautiful and I feel like a million... pounds in it :D
So you have one foot in next year and I have one in this. I love you and I will be with you before you know it.
Happy New Year Chick x
I'm fully aware that my writing mojo left me this past year but as we've been speaking more, I know that you understand.
To recap on a... let's say... challenging year, it's the nicest thing I can say about it; here you go....
January; new job and sister Bee in hospital with pneumonia.
February, new manager has turned into "bitch face", nastiest piece of work I've had the misfortune to encounter in twenty years. Trying desperately to remind myself that it's her, maybe her insecurity and not me, but I'm crying nightly and can't sleep. So painfully disappointed that this new job is not turning out to be what I had hoped for... a welcoming and nurturing environment.
I go to visit my friends down south and end up crying in Wagamama's as I explain the situation.
SS, One of our own is diagnosed with breast cancer, showed up on mammogram, no pain, complete surprise. Treatment plan commenced.
I change a light bulb for Bee which explodes in my hand and I have some tendon damage which goes on for months.
March; Sue, our other dear friend is still having chemo but only two to go.
SS has op and begins radiotherapy.
April Radiation and chemo therapy continues
May SS has all clear, tablets for 5 years, avoid the sun but doing great. Thank you God.
Car accident for me when someone runs into the back of me, while I am stationary, giving way at a roundabout Collar bone problem ensues.
June -- Start with physio for shoulder/collar bone etc. Doesn't hurt as much but not 100 and it clicks and crunches constantly as if bones are rubbing over each other, makes stomach churn.
July Sue's chemo is over and she's on tablets.
I develop a rash on the upper part of my right arm which initially looks like nothing at all until I scratch so much I tear the skin. Later, lumps under the skin develop. After about eight weeks, I finally see a Dr who prescribes steroid cream, rash doesn't completely go but at least I don't want to rip my arm off anymore.
Jan is hospitalised and on morphine for severe back spasms, seems to have stemmed from when lorry ran her off the road last December. It's weeks before she is back to her normal. It's like talking to a zombie while she's on meds, I'm sad and worried out of my mind. Don't think she'll ever drive again which makes me sad, she'll never just turn up on my doorstep unexpected again. Jan mobile; Hello! Me; where are you? Jan; on your drive
July, I'm waking in the middle of the night gasping for breath, feels like the worst asthma but I haven't had a bad asthma attack for many many years . While mid gasp, I start to wonder if I might pass out, and if I do, will I breath unconsciously or would that be it?
Eventually get a Dr's appointment and my doctor thinks it's something called Stridor. Uncommon but frightening when it happens.
August - another Birthday, another trip down south. Lovely to see everyone, trip included a memorable day with the kiddos running around a maze (trying not to show the kiddos that I was a little scared whilst in the maze, my first time,) They had a fabulous time running around and screaming at every dead end. What a lovely day that was.
September I attempt to arrange Christmas night out with the usual suspects. Sue wants to see how she feels nearer the time, I tell her it's OK, easy to add on nearer the time.
October I've had a cough for four weeks that just won't shift.
Sue in hospital with pneumonia.
November Mum's anniversary. Baby great niece turns three already.
Sue still in hospital.
Once Sue is home, I'm visiting weekly. Don't want to impose on the family but don't want to miss a chance to visit our friend.
December Sue very poorly.
Dr decides my cough is caused by blood pressure medication and that high blood pressure is caused by anxiety anyway.
Christmas night out, better than expected, we're all thinking of Sue and SS's Mum very ill. None of us are really in the mood. Sue is notably missed.
December 11th, Sue passes away.
Rash returns.
Overarching the whole year has been depression and PTSD, neither of which are mine, I'm just the.... listener.
Highlights of this year;
SS is well and good and here for me to spend time with.
I got to say goodbye and thank you to Sue at the funeral home.
Great niece Everly is an absolute tonic. She still can't kiss me goodbye but she will give me a hug and a kiss any other time. She talks about me to Jan when I'm not there, so even though I don't see her that often, I know that I'm in her head and her memories, thank God.
Jan and Geoff helped me fix my back garden fence and paint it, sounds ridiculous I know but I was so stressed about it and it now looks so amazing.
J and G are always there for me but this year, I've felt it more than ever, they've helped me so much this year, with the practical stuff.
A conversation in August when I was down south about theatre and wish lists resulted in tickets being booked for La Bayadere at the Royal Opera House, my first experience of the ballet. Cannot explain how much I loved that evening.
And, of course, that day with the kids running around the maze and hearing them squeal with joy.
I moved managers... five times, swear to God it's not me, So I end the year with manager number five. The team keeps getting "re-structured" and I seem to be the collateral. I was fine with the moves apart from the last one. I was looking forward to being with number 4 for a while but before I could settle, I was on to number 5. Hey, number 5 is brilliant and knows everything there is to know about our subject so I'm going to be sponge like and soak up all the information I can..... before I'm moved again.
The family seems to be fraying at the edges and I'm aware that we're all getting older and I wonder how many Christmas's we'll see without change.
By far the saddest part of this year has been saying goodbye to Sue, such a special lady and a dear friend. She was all about family but I hope that she knew how much her friends loved her too, I'm not sure she did and I regret not telling her while she was still with us. Hopefully she heard me when I went to visit her afterwards.
To say that I can not wait to welcome in this coming year is an under statement.
I understand what my GP is saying and that my bp may be anxiety driven but if you can't get a handle on it, surely it's just as bad as if I had compromised arteries? Anyway, I have a new mindfulness CD which I'm listening to on a nightly basis and I'm hoping this helps.
Feb I'm visiting everyone down south
Within 90 days, I'll be with you, in NZ at Tom's wedding. I was very lucky and for Christmas, Jan and Geoff bought me the dress I'd been eyeing up for Tom's wedding since last August. It's understated and beautiful and I feel like a million... pounds in it :D
So you have one foot in next year and I have one in this. I love you and I will be with you before you know it.
Happy New Year Chick x
Tuesday, 28 August 2018
Fat v 5:2
Have you heard about the 5:2 or Fast Diet? It's intermittent fasting were you choose two days a week to eat only 500 calories during the day, (if you're a woman or 600 if you're a man,) and the rest of the time you eat normally, as in, three meals a day plus snacks or whatever your preference is. You should also stick to the amount of calories your body actually needs and not go overboard on the non fast days, your body just doesn't need it. There was a book out here a few years ago called "The Fast Diet" by Dr Michael Mosley and Mimi Spencer.
I bought myself and Bee a copy at the time if publication, I was interested in it from the health benefits point of view rather than the lose weight point of view, think I tried it one day and didn't bother again.
Fast (excuse the pun,) forward a few years and after my last holiday, I'd gained a few lbs with all the indulgences and meals out and I felt, well, like a stuffed sausage to be frank.
Monday to Friday I eat pretty well, in an attempt to eat the carbs, protein and fats my body needs, I did start to feel like I was force feeding myself a bit. Not in an uncomfortable way nor did I ever feel stuffed but I was ready for something to change so that I didn't feel like I was constantly shovelling food into my mouth.
So I decided to give it a go, I read the book cover to cover, all of the science made sense, there didn't seem to be any negatives to contend with by following the instructions, so I began.
I didn't take lots of measurements as the book advises, I just needed to lose a few lbs and feel like me again.
I hoped the diet would work for me. I wasn't expecting the diet to work on me quite how it did. I've always considered myself to be "skinny" fat. To the world, in clothing, I look slim, I get to see the muffin top, pouchy tum, hanging flesh from the top of my thighs when I'm exercising that no one else gets to see.
All previous diets that's I've attempted, if they work, then I see obvious changes, from the outside, maybe my face, maybe my bum usually chest.
This one is different. My face looks the same, the number on the scale is coming down, but my tum is shrinking, my saddle bags are dissolving, my inner thighs deflating.
Usually diet's target in this order for me; face, chest, anything else you don't want to lose fat from. The last to be targeted would be actually the first on my list, be it; thighs, bum or thighs, or bum ;)
You know how you always read that you can't spot reduce? I believe that this diet targets pockets of fat from the inside out rather than the outside in, or at least that's what it seems to be doing with this bod. Plus, it was actually the internal fat that I wanted to target anyway.
It may be that the only fat that I have is the visible kind, the inner thigh hang, the muffin etc. and maybe that's all this diet has to target. Either way, I'm delighted. I'm only four weeks in and I'm 10lbs down, 6lbs in the first week. Have to say that, when I began this diet, after my holiday, I was the heaviest I'd been for a long, long time, I was 9st 6lbs when my usual weight was around 8st 10lbs, 8st 10lbs being at the higher end of my norm.
To be honest, while I was noticing the changes on my outside, I was more worried about any visceral fat on the inside, rapped, snugly around my organs, comfortably sleeping like a resting snake. Truth is, I don't know if I have a lot of visceral fat as I haven't had the appropriate tests, but I was willing to wage war on it anyway and I suspect that I have.
The outcome is that I can see my visible fat dissolving, being used up and eaten away by this diet like the preferred food of a hungry animal. It gives me some comfort that if it can do that to the stubborn visible, I'm sure it can do the same to the invisible and stealthy kind, if I did in fact have any.
Fast days I have a couple of Starbucks filters with some skimmed milk and around 6pm, I have a good couple of bowls of Spring vegetable soup; celery, carrots, onion, couple of stock cubes and some extra virgin olive oil. Feels so nourishing which I know probably sounds daft but really feels like you're doing your body good, resting it then feeding it with some solid nutrition.
Breakfast (break-fast) after a fast day, is almost indescribable. My Monday to Friday breakfast is my favourite meal of the day anyway, wholemeal, seeded pita, with a whole avocado (none of this only half business,) and the tiniest slice of honey roast ham. Breakfast following a fast day is on a whole other level, maybe the anticipation? Whatever, it is last meal worthy.
I've been given the all clear from my GP to exercise regarding blood pressure, I've been give exercises and stretches from physio regarding dodgy post accident shoulder, so I really should get off my behind now and jump back into exercise to complement the new eating plan right?
I bought myself and Bee a copy at the time if publication, I was interested in it from the health benefits point of view rather than the lose weight point of view, think I tried it one day and didn't bother again.
Fast (excuse the pun,) forward a few years and after my last holiday, I'd gained a few lbs with all the indulgences and meals out and I felt, well, like a stuffed sausage to be frank.
Monday to Friday I eat pretty well, in an attempt to eat the carbs, protein and fats my body needs, I did start to feel like I was force feeding myself a bit. Not in an uncomfortable way nor did I ever feel stuffed but I was ready for something to change so that I didn't feel like I was constantly shovelling food into my mouth.
So I decided to give it a go, I read the book cover to cover, all of the science made sense, there didn't seem to be any negatives to contend with by following the instructions, so I began.
I didn't take lots of measurements as the book advises, I just needed to lose a few lbs and feel like me again.
I hoped the diet would work for me. I wasn't expecting the diet to work on me quite how it did. I've always considered myself to be "skinny" fat. To the world, in clothing, I look slim, I get to see the muffin top, pouchy tum, hanging flesh from the top of my thighs when I'm exercising that no one else gets to see.
All previous diets that's I've attempted, if they work, then I see obvious changes, from the outside, maybe my face, maybe my bum usually chest.
This one is different. My face looks the same, the number on the scale is coming down, but my tum is shrinking, my saddle bags are dissolving, my inner thighs deflating.
Usually diet's target in this order for me; face, chest, anything else you don't want to lose fat from. The last to be targeted would be actually the first on my list, be it; thighs, bum or thighs, or bum ;)
You know how you always read that you can't spot reduce? I believe that this diet targets pockets of fat from the inside out rather than the outside in, or at least that's what it seems to be doing with this bod. Plus, it was actually the internal fat that I wanted to target anyway.
It may be that the only fat that I have is the visible kind, the inner thigh hang, the muffin etc. and maybe that's all this diet has to target. Either way, I'm delighted. I'm only four weeks in and I'm 10lbs down, 6lbs in the first week. Have to say that, when I began this diet, after my holiday, I was the heaviest I'd been for a long, long time, I was 9st 6lbs when my usual weight was around 8st 10lbs, 8st 10lbs being at the higher end of my norm.
To be honest, while I was noticing the changes on my outside, I was more worried about any visceral fat on the inside, rapped, snugly around my organs, comfortably sleeping like a resting snake. Truth is, I don't know if I have a lot of visceral fat as I haven't had the appropriate tests, but I was willing to wage war on it anyway and I suspect that I have.
The outcome is that I can see my visible fat dissolving, being used up and eaten away by this diet like the preferred food of a hungry animal. It gives me some comfort that if it can do that to the stubborn visible, I'm sure it can do the same to the invisible and stealthy kind, if I did in fact have any.
Fast days I have a couple of Starbucks filters with some skimmed milk and around 6pm, I have a good couple of bowls of Spring vegetable soup; celery, carrots, onion, couple of stock cubes and some extra virgin olive oil. Feels so nourishing which I know probably sounds daft but really feels like you're doing your body good, resting it then feeding it with some solid nutrition.
Breakfast (break-fast) after a fast day, is almost indescribable. My Monday to Friday breakfast is my favourite meal of the day anyway, wholemeal, seeded pita, with a whole avocado (none of this only half business,) and the tiniest slice of honey roast ham. Breakfast following a fast day is on a whole other level, maybe the anticipation? Whatever, it is last meal worthy.
I've been given the all clear from my GP to exercise regarding blood pressure, I've been give exercises and stretches from physio regarding dodgy post accident shoulder, so I really should get off my behind now and jump back into exercise to complement the new eating plan right?
Saturday, 21 July 2018
Round Up of Events
Hi Col, I know I've been AWOL quite a bit lately and I'm sorry. Just one thing after another and no writing mojo to speak of.
Accident was five weeks ago now and while I'm still clicking, crunching and stiff, body wise, I'm more relaxed driving again and not such a nervous wreck, but still tense.
We've had glorious weather and it makes you feel amazing doesn't it? Got to be the Vitamin D effect don't you think?
Physically, I'm creaking. Stuff hurts. Mentally, feel a bit bruised but trying to do the right things.
Work hasn't been terrible and I'm off for a week now so I'm very happy with the prospect of sleep and freedom.
Fast forward nine days and I'm back to work tomorrow. I've had a brilliant and busy week; coffee catch ups, lunch with Don and Sheila, trip to the Zoo with baby great niece, (we saw baby elephant, baby monkey (which I would have gladly brought home,) baby rhino,) and countless other, grown up animals. Must be fifteen years since I've been and it was amazing, they all had tons of space and seemed very happy. Even brought back some school trip memories of eons ago.
I've had a couple of meals out, Chinese and Wagamama's with J&G. J decided lovely waiter from Chinese (think he may have been Eastern European, quietly spoken, pleasant, inquisitive, he thought he had seen me around,) was flirting with me and after two glasses of wine was keen to pursue, but I managed to deflect, pretty sure he was way too young for me, even if I was interested.
Saturday morning and I'm spending my only free time with Bee while J&G are toiling in my front garden for me when who rolls up, but our old neighbours.
A date was set and on Thursday night, I collected Jan and drove into the country to where Mrs P and A were staying for the week. It was a really special night. Neither of them have changed and it was like being back 25 years ago. The chat, the references, talk of Mum. It was lovely. It was a hot, hot night and while we didn't leave until almost 10pm, the sunset was glorious driving through the dusk on the way home.
Old friends really are golden.
We had one day playing in the garden with baby great niece because it was just too hot and at least there, we had some shade.
Pretty much the rest of the time was spent digging in the back garden, digging up old bulbs, digging up enormous tree roots, digging, digging, digging. Did you know, when you hurl a spade into a root, a root of any size, large or pencil sized, it's like hitting concrete and you get a ricochet through your hand and up your arm? I hurt in places I didn't know I had and my hands are soooo sore.
Did I tell you all of this started because my back garden fence needed support posts putting in? J&G, like the super heroes they are, said they would mend my fence so that I didn't have to get a new one, but in the process, I had to have a dead enormous tree cut down, dig out 10ft long tree roots, completely wreck my already moss and dandelion ridden lawn, sieve soil, and on and on the list would go. Jan keeps telling me it's going to look amazing and I believe her. It's been a long time since it looked like a garden and not an overgrown green mass. I can't wait to see the end result and to be able to "potter." Until now, my experience of gardening has been; "to hack."
Jan and I have been joking for years that once Geoff retired, I would have a list as long as my arm of "handy man" jobs for him to complete for me. There isn't a room that doesn't need something Col, it's quite depressing and daunting but I haven't done anything significant for years and so... here we are. I really do think it will be a beautiful and peaceful oasis when everything is complete.
Accident was five weeks ago now and while I'm still clicking, crunching and stiff, body wise, I'm more relaxed driving again and not such a nervous wreck, but still tense.
We've had glorious weather and it makes you feel amazing doesn't it? Got to be the Vitamin D effect don't you think?
Physically, I'm creaking. Stuff hurts. Mentally, feel a bit bruised but trying to do the right things.
Work hasn't been terrible and I'm off for a week now so I'm very happy with the prospect of sleep and freedom.
Fast forward nine days and I'm back to work tomorrow. I've had a brilliant and busy week; coffee catch ups, lunch with Don and Sheila, trip to the Zoo with baby great niece, (we saw baby elephant, baby monkey (which I would have gladly brought home,) baby rhino,) and countless other, grown up animals. Must be fifteen years since I've been and it was amazing, they all had tons of space and seemed very happy. Even brought back some school trip memories of eons ago.
I've had a couple of meals out, Chinese and Wagamama's with J&G. J decided lovely waiter from Chinese (think he may have been Eastern European, quietly spoken, pleasant, inquisitive, he thought he had seen me around,) was flirting with me and after two glasses of wine was keen to pursue, but I managed to deflect, pretty sure he was way too young for me, even if I was interested.
Saturday morning and I'm spending my only free time with Bee while J&G are toiling in my front garden for me when who rolls up, but our old neighbours.
A date was set and on Thursday night, I collected Jan and drove into the country to where Mrs P and A were staying for the week. It was a really special night. Neither of them have changed and it was like being back 25 years ago. The chat, the references, talk of Mum. It was lovely. It was a hot, hot night and while we didn't leave until almost 10pm, the sunset was glorious driving through the dusk on the way home.
Old friends really are golden.
We had one day playing in the garden with baby great niece because it was just too hot and at least there, we had some shade.
Pretty much the rest of the time was spent digging in the back garden, digging up old bulbs, digging up enormous tree roots, digging, digging, digging. Did you know, when you hurl a spade into a root, a root of any size, large or pencil sized, it's like hitting concrete and you get a ricochet through your hand and up your arm? I hurt in places I didn't know I had and my hands are soooo sore.
Did I tell you all of this started because my back garden fence needed support posts putting in? J&G, like the super heroes they are, said they would mend my fence so that I didn't have to get a new one, but in the process, I had to have a dead enormous tree cut down, dig out 10ft long tree roots, completely wreck my already moss and dandelion ridden lawn, sieve soil, and on and on the list would go. Jan keeps telling me it's going to look amazing and I believe her. It's been a long time since it looked like a garden and not an overgrown green mass. I can't wait to see the end result and to be able to "potter." Until now, my experience of gardening has been; "to hack."
Jan and I have been joking for years that once Geoff retired, I would have a list as long as my arm of "handy man" jobs for him to complete for me. There isn't a room that doesn't need something Col, it's quite depressing and daunting but I haven't done anything significant for years and so... here we are. I really do think it will be a beautiful and peaceful oasis when everything is complete.
Friday, 22 June 2018
Scrape
On Saturday I went for my usual coffee and read for an hour or so, headed to Bee's for a catch up for another hour then headed home. Three minutes from home, while I was giving way at a roundabout, stationary, someone ran into the back of me. Not terrible, driver had a baby in a child seat on the passenger side, maybe she was distracted. No one was hurt, some bumper damage, (about £700 on mine according to dear brother in law.) I shook for about three hours and I'm a little stiff, shoulder hurting and clicking and crunching enough to make your stomach churn.
Everything will be fine but it's the hassle isn't it? The inconvenience. I'm going to be without a car for a few days so getting to and from work will be a nightmare. Such is life.
Insurance company has been amazing, they've arranged for a hire car for me after all and they'll even pick me up to go and collect it. There is a lot going on at the moment, so much information coming in that I'm trying to remember, my mind is blown by the day.
A few days after the accident and I'm still nervous driving around in my banged up car. My car is collected by body shop for repair, hire car company pick me up to take me to collect hire car.
Paperwork completed, I wander outside with Aimee. "This is yours."
"You're kidding right?" I have a tiny little car and they give me a Vauxhall Mokka X in black. It's huge. Not even a bright colour to scream at other drivers, "get out of my way!" Nope. I'm stuck with the tank.
Have to say, after a few teething problems, (there is a button you depress for reverse and you open the petrol cap this way...) (I'm rolling eyes as we speak,) I grew to love it a little. Still couldn't reverse park in it, but I started to relax driving it and felt safe.
Eight days later and I have my little beloved car back but now I feel minute and vulnerable in it, and a nervous wreck driving it again.
I'll be fine and will get used to it again. And breathe.
Everything will be fine but it's the hassle isn't it? The inconvenience. I'm going to be without a car for a few days so getting to and from work will be a nightmare. Such is life.
Insurance company has been amazing, they've arranged for a hire car for me after all and they'll even pick me up to go and collect it. There is a lot going on at the moment, so much information coming in that I'm trying to remember, my mind is blown by the day.
A few days after the accident and I'm still nervous driving around in my banged up car. My car is collected by body shop for repair, hire car company pick me up to take me to collect hire car.
Paperwork completed, I wander outside with Aimee. "This is yours."
"You're kidding right?" I have a tiny little car and they give me a Vauxhall Mokka X in black. It's huge. Not even a bright colour to scream at other drivers, "get out of my way!" Nope. I'm stuck with the tank.
Have to say, after a few teething problems, (there is a button you depress for reverse and you open the petrol cap this way...) (I'm rolling eyes as we speak,) I grew to love it a little. Still couldn't reverse park in it, but I started to relax driving it and felt safe.
Eight days later and I have my little beloved car back but now I feel minute and vulnerable in it, and a nervous wreck driving it again.
I'll be fine and will get used to it again. And breathe.
Saturday, 12 May 2018
Life's too short...
Life is too short Col, for uncomfortable underwear. Yes, I'm going back to basics and I am done with putting up with uncomfortable undies because they're not ready to be thrown out yet (aka not worn out,) or they are allegedly sexy or for whatever reason, warm in the winter, cool in the summer etc. etc. etc. Let's face it, if your nether regions are uncomfortable then the rest of you is uncomfortable, right? It's exactly the same with painful shoes, your whole body is out of sorts when you wear uncomfortable / painful shoes. So, no more, I need cotton and I need comfort, end of. I feel liberated.
I've taken leave and have had a lovely long weekend and the weather has been glorious, it's 24 degrees today. Today being Monday and my last day off work so I thought I would make the most of the time and the weather. I went out for a coffee first thing and read some ore of my "depressing" book, (it is however starting to give me pointers on how to turn things around, i.e. flossing.)
I got home and cut the back garden grass, very hard going, first cut of the season and searing heat so took an hour. Followed this by a further two hours of gardening, I say "gardening" but it was basically hacking and chopping away at bramble. I'm ripped to shreds, felt light headed several times but in the end, filled 10 garden sacks with grass and thorns.
I followed the slasher fest with ironing then hovering, a solid day of hard work. I'm exhausted and my body is complaining, but a bit of manual labour does a body good right?
I've taken leave and have had a lovely long weekend and the weather has been glorious, it's 24 degrees today. Today being Monday and my last day off work so I thought I would make the most of the time and the weather. I went out for a coffee first thing and read some ore of my "depressing" book, (it is however starting to give me pointers on how to turn things around, i.e. flossing.)
I got home and cut the back garden grass, very hard going, first cut of the season and searing heat so took an hour. Followed this by a further two hours of gardening, I say "gardening" but it was basically hacking and chopping away at bramble. I'm ripped to shreds, felt light headed several times but in the end, filled 10 garden sacks with grass and thorns.
I followed the slasher fest with ironing then hovering, a solid day of hard work. I'm exhausted and my body is complaining, but a bit of manual labour does a body good right?
Friday, 4 May 2018
Mayday
I was hoping that my new job would change my life, well, it hasn't exactly so far anyway but I do feel like I'm on a journey to and of improvement.
I've been using My Fitness Pal for years to keep track of what I'm eating and mainly to make sure that I'm eating enough of the right things, well I've just found out that I can tweak what it measures so I can see where I'm falling short, for instance, my iron levels have run low forever and that's normal for me but by choosing to monitor and log my iron on My Fitness Pal, I can see how I'm doing in this department. The same goes for protein, I'm not really having enough but I can monitor it and change my eating habits to combat this. Good huh?
I'm reading the most depressing book in the world at the moment. I'm not going to tell you the title because it's unfair to disrespect the author and my judgement will probably change in around 4 chapters when things start to get positive and constructive, at the moment, it's a never ending shopping list of all the negative things that happen to your body once you hit 40... which is a very long way off ;)
The author is a doctor and a realist and is just what I need i.e. no sugar coating and some serious straight talk and lets face it, we all need some straight talk in some department don't we?
This book may really change my health so I'm going to keep reading.
I have a few days off work, yesterday was freezing cold but I spent several hours on a play date with my darling great niece Everly, in the garden because that's where she wanted to be. She is two, going on thirty two. She has a flair for rationale that would shame an adult, (we need to go inside Everly because it's cold and staring to rain. "But if we put our hoods up (demonstrates,) we can still play outside!")
Jan and I agreed that Mum would have adored her and we wouldn't have stood a chance next to Everly. I'm so in love.
I've been using My Fitness Pal for years to keep track of what I'm eating and mainly to make sure that I'm eating enough of the right things, well I've just found out that I can tweak what it measures so I can see where I'm falling short, for instance, my iron levels have run low forever and that's normal for me but by choosing to monitor and log my iron on My Fitness Pal, I can see how I'm doing in this department. The same goes for protein, I'm not really having enough but I can monitor it and change my eating habits to combat this. Good huh?
I'm reading the most depressing book in the world at the moment. I'm not going to tell you the title because it's unfair to disrespect the author and my judgement will probably change in around 4 chapters when things start to get positive and constructive, at the moment, it's a never ending shopping list of all the negative things that happen to your body once you hit 40... which is a very long way off ;)
The author is a doctor and a realist and is just what I need i.e. no sugar coating and some serious straight talk and lets face it, we all need some straight talk in some department don't we?
This book may really change my health so I'm going to keep reading.
I have a few days off work, yesterday was freezing cold but I spent several hours on a play date with my darling great niece Everly, in the garden because that's where she wanted to be. She is two, going on thirty two. She has a flair for rationale that would shame an adult, (we need to go inside Everly because it's cold and staring to rain. "But if we put our hoods up (demonstrates,) we can still play outside!")
Jan and I agreed that Mum would have adored her and we wouldn't have stood a chance next to Everly. I'm so in love.
On the Up
Has this been the longest Winter in history Col? A few weeks ago, in the wee small hours, our clocks sprang forward over here into Spring, well, BST. We had beautiful sunshine the following day as if to celebrate, but it was short lived and for the most part, the chilled air and the cloudy skies persist.
I'm more than ready for sunshine Col, seems to have been so long since I've felt any warmth from our sun and my bones fee positively brittle from the cold.
Things are finally improving generally though, I was thinking about this yesterday and have pinpointed the change rightly or wrongly to the eclipse on my birthday last year. Since then, things have started to look up, not up and up, (January was the pits,) but on the whole, I seem to have a new found "can do, anything is possible" attitude. There once was a time when everything, anything seemed almost impossible, now, nothing seems impossible, difficult, far fetched, a reach, but not impossible.
Your eldest is engaged to be married, (still can't get over that.) I am "on his list" and I'd confirmed within two weeks that I would be there. (Authorised with work etc.) I hadn't planned on heading to NZ for a few years yet, work needs to be done here, my car has clocked over 102K so, it just wasn't on the radar for anytime soon, however, I've committed that I'm coming, I'd already committed to myself that I would, come hell or high water, have a new kitchen this year. Everything here is old and needs either refreshing or replacing, it's at the stage were I can't do just one room because one leads on to another.
Well it's all going to be OK. It might take me two to three years to do everything I need / want to do but that's OK, and by this time next year, I'll have spent a wonderful couple of weeks with you and the family and will have witnessed a dear hearts special day.
Sunday, 25 March 2018
Chill in the Air
I return from holiday and miraculously, (and four weeks late,) I have a training plan. It's not great but it's a little information at least and a starting point and with a little information, I can teach myself.
I only have to get through the next few weeks and I will move over to a different manager, thank God. Going to be a long four weeks but I shall persevere, be me and keep my head down.
A week later Col and the weather turned, it was around -5 for the week, we got some but missed the bulk of the snow here but the temperature was enough of a challenge. After a week, even with my "cold" tablets, (the ones for my diabolical circulation which I only take in very cold weather,) I was frozen to the bone, fingers lifeless by the time I'd driven home most evenings. I went to bed each night in two nighties, with two hot water bottles, three microwaveable wheat wraps and bed socks, and I still woke in the night with the cold. I would for sure die in a Canadian winter, and possibly after 5 minutes in Russia, both countries which are on my bucket list by the way.
In the midst of this, two of our own are battling cancer and one is having tests, my heart is so sad I can't explain. 50% of my small circle in trouble or maybe in trouble. Sending prayers and positive thoughts to the universe. I have to hope that all will be well. You know I believe that you have bloodline family and then there is the family you choose in this life and that you and they are mine.
Saturday, 24 February 2018
I'm a Winner
Hells Bells, (Helen) has made JR and I leek and potato soup, Mark is out and we don't eat until about 8pm which is really late for me, I've been up since 6 and had quite a stressful day, (stressed out anyway with work and then my lift to the airport was running super late then the flight etc. etc.) and so I'm rapidly falling asleep. I have however been freezing cold for most of the day but the soup is warming and delicious.
JR and I are home by 10pm. I wash my face, brush teeth and dive into my bed. I'm unconscious before I know it.
Friday morning and I wake after having slept like a log. It's freezing cold but it's a bright morning. After a leisurely breakfast followed by a power shower, God I love JR's guest shower, JR and I head out to Stansted House for lunch. We're early so we wander around the plant sale before taking a table in the Orangery. I order a pot of tea for JR and a coffee for me and the snow begins to fall. I take out my phone to take a picture and I have a missed call from my ex manager at work. Probably a pocket dial but unlikely so I text; "Hi, did you mean to call me or was it a mistake? Call me if you need me."
Message comes back to me immediately; "You've won half of the work charity lottery." I've won £527, can you believe it Col? Was already planning new kitchen, hopefully Summer time and so this is going to my kitchen fund. I have to keep stopping myself from saying "I can't believe it!" Because apparently that sends all the wrong signals into the Universe. (I know what you're thinking but I, well, I've been reading a lot about this stuff and I'm willing to keep an open mind... just in cases ;) And, this next bit is going to sound a bit odd as I'm pre disposed to thinking, "that's not going to happen" or leaning towards the negative when it involves me, but I actually thought I was going to win it the week before, had a really strong feeling but then there were no winners and then I had the worst week in work and then I was I was on holiday and didn't give that Friday a second thought. What do you make of that?
JR and I are home by 10pm. I wash my face, brush teeth and dive into my bed. I'm unconscious before I know it.
Friday morning and I wake after having slept like a log. It's freezing cold but it's a bright morning. After a leisurely breakfast followed by a power shower, God I love JR's guest shower, JR and I head out to Stansted House for lunch. We're early so we wander around the plant sale before taking a table in the Orangery. I order a pot of tea for JR and a coffee for me and the snow begins to fall. I take out my phone to take a picture and I have a missed call from my ex manager at work. Probably a pocket dial but unlikely so I text; "Hi, did you mean to call me or was it a mistake? Call me if you need me."
Message comes back to me immediately; "You've won half of the work charity lottery." I've won £527, can you believe it Col? Was already planning new kitchen, hopefully Summer time and so this is going to my kitchen fund. I have to keep stopping myself from saying "I can't believe it!" Because apparently that sends all the wrong signals into the Universe. (I know what you're thinking but I, well, I've been reading a lot about this stuff and I'm willing to keep an open mind... just in cases ;) And, this next bit is going to sound a bit odd as I'm pre disposed to thinking, "that's not going to happen" or leaning towards the negative when it involves me, but I actually thought I was going to win it the week before, had a really strong feeling but then there were no winners and then I had the worst week in work and then I was I was on holiday and didn't give that Friday a second thought. What do you make of that?
Wednesday, 14 February 2018
Flight of Fancy
Bee getting pneumonia and being hospitalised was a shock, it's amazing how quickly these events happen, one minute everything is fine and the next, you're using SatNav to find a hospital. I visited most nights straight from work, leaving home at 5.05am and returning at 7.50pm, I was exhausted but not visiting wasn't an option that I would choose.
Thank God, after just over a week, Bee was allowed to return home, she has a good few weeks of taking it easy ahead of her but at least she's over the worst.
A few days later and I'm flying down to Southampton, there was a flight sale on which Jan alerted me to and so having leave to use up before March, I booked to go away for the weekend and visit my friends down there.
I'm lucky with the weather, it's been bitterly cold for a good week now and I've been fogged in before now at the airport waiting to fly down but everything is fine today and I'm on board and we depart on schedule.
As I board and make my way to 20D, I approach my row and politely say to 20C, Hello, excuse me but I'm there, (and point to highlight my window seat.) My flying partner for today is a very statuesque elderly lady. She gets up out of her seat and stands aside, by about 2 inches. Thank you, but I'm not that thin. Co-passenger shuffles a little further into the aisle to allow me to slide in to my seat. From there, I have to belt myself up and then belt up my co-passenger as she was sitting on her belt initially.
Lovely lady barely drawers breath for the entire flight. Well travelled, no children, widow, husband was Tom, one step-child, doesn't live near-by. Step daughter-in-law dresses inappropriately for age. Has three trips planned so far this year, the next being The Little Trains of the Pyrenees. She will be 86 on Sunday, same day as eldest Sister and her Mother, who she talked extensively about, was named Dorothy, the same as mine.
Having cried through most of yesterday evening over work, to now find myself next to this lady who, for the entire flight I am unable to think of anything that is worrying me because I'm engaged in conversation, and now to find that her Mum's name is Dorothy. Do we think this is a coincidence?
Elderly lady is a VIP in that she needs assistance, the thing with this is that people needing assistance are first on, brilliant, but last off. And so I am trapped on the plane after landing, until everyone, bar my lady next to me moves. (I'm marooned next to the window.) "Are you in a hurry?"
"No, I'm not in any hurry," I lied.
What seemed like an eternity later, my co-passenger stood up and made her way to the door and I swiftly followed.
Air steward at the door piped up; "Well that was an interesting flight for you!" It absolutely was and I wouldn't swap it for a boring one if you paid me, thanks very much.
JR meets me at the airport and Helen meets us at Wagamama's, this is becoming tradition since I started landing at lunch time. I spill my guts about work and the odd salty tear escapes but Helen is as positive as always and decides new manager is in some way threatened. How, God only knows but my Mum always used to say if someone was being a bitch or a bully, it's because they were jealous or threatened in some way. I never understood what anyone would have to be jealous of me about but I've doled this advice out myself to youngsters and in the absence of any other excuse, maybe she is? God only knows why.
Thank God, after just over a week, Bee was allowed to return home, she has a good few weeks of taking it easy ahead of her but at least she's over the worst.
A few days later and I'm flying down to Southampton, there was a flight sale on which Jan alerted me to and so having leave to use up before March, I booked to go away for the weekend and visit my friends down there.
I'm lucky with the weather, it's been bitterly cold for a good week now and I've been fogged in before now at the airport waiting to fly down but everything is fine today and I'm on board and we depart on schedule.
As I board and make my way to 20D, I approach my row and politely say to 20C, Hello, excuse me but I'm there, (and point to highlight my window seat.) My flying partner for today is a very statuesque elderly lady. She gets up out of her seat and stands aside, by about 2 inches. Thank you, but I'm not that thin. Co-passenger shuffles a little further into the aisle to allow me to slide in to my seat. From there, I have to belt myself up and then belt up my co-passenger as she was sitting on her belt initially.
Lovely lady barely drawers breath for the entire flight. Well travelled, no children, widow, husband was Tom, one step-child, doesn't live near-by. Step daughter-in-law dresses inappropriately for age. Has three trips planned so far this year, the next being The Little Trains of the Pyrenees. She will be 86 on Sunday, same day as eldest Sister and her Mother, who she talked extensively about, was named Dorothy, the same as mine.
Having cried through most of yesterday evening over work, to now find myself next to this lady who, for the entire flight I am unable to think of anything that is worrying me because I'm engaged in conversation, and now to find that her Mum's name is Dorothy. Do we think this is a coincidence?
Elderly lady is a VIP in that she needs assistance, the thing with this is that people needing assistance are first on, brilliant, but last off. And so I am trapped on the plane after landing, until everyone, bar my lady next to me moves. (I'm marooned next to the window.) "Are you in a hurry?"
"No, I'm not in any hurry," I lied.
What seemed like an eternity later, my co-passenger stood up and made her way to the door and I swiftly followed.
Air steward at the door piped up; "Well that was an interesting flight for you!" It absolutely was and I wouldn't swap it for a boring one if you paid me, thanks very much.
JR meets me at the airport and Helen meets us at Wagamama's, this is becoming tradition since I started landing at lunch time. I spill my guts about work and the odd salty tear escapes but Helen is as positive as always and decides new manager is in some way threatened. How, God only knows but my Mum always used to say if someone was being a bitch or a bully, it's because they were jealous or threatened in some way. I never understood what anyone would have to be jealous of me about but I've doled this advice out myself to youngsters and in the absence of any other excuse, maybe she is? God only knows why.
Tuesday, 13 February 2018
January
Col we're now at the opposite end of January from when we last caught up.
I'm going to give you a potted history of the year so far.
Let's start with the positives shall we?
I feel at home on my new team, at my new desk, on my new floor.
I absolutely LOVE my yoga course. Week one, I roll up 30 minutes early, park up, not sure I've parked in an OK spot. It's pitch dark. I wait in car for 15 minutes then see other people begin to arrive and walk through the door. I get out of the car and walk towards the door, as I do so, two women turn the corner and head for the door but turn around and begin staring at me. I look behind and car isn't sticking out. Check my legs, yes, I am wearing pants. Maybe they're looking at something behind me. Another couple of feet later, (I'm as blind as a bat especially in the dark,) and the two women staring at me are no longer in silhouette, they are Tracy and her Mum. What are the odds eh? Tracy and I hadn't even mentioned the course to each other and here we are, signed up for the duration.
Our teacher Ali, is amazing, it's all very relaxed, you just go where your body lets you. Ali demonstrates, explains, tells you which bits of your body is being worked if you couldn't tell and may throw the odd legend in there too. The room is beautifully lit and there are candles burning. I think I can smell incense.
At one point, Tracy and I are next to each other on mats, flat on our backs in a, I think, happy pigeon pose and Tracy pipes up; "I bet 20 years ago you didn't imagine we'd be here did you?" She's absolutely right and when I got home and did the maths, it's actually 25 years can you believe?
Anyway, the lesson I learnt in that first class is that I am impatient, no, actually I knew that, just didn't realise how in a rush I am. (It's not the same, I know what I mean.) We had to learn how to breath properly, in through the nose, chest expands, collar bones rise slightly. At one point, we were lying on our backs, arms on the floor, slightly away from our bodies, palms up, fingers gently curling. We had to stay there for five breaths and my thoughts went something like this;
In through the nose, chest expands, collar bones raise slightly
In through the nose, chest expands, collar bones raise slightly
In through the, I think we're on four now, yes this must be four by now
In through the, this must be the last one
This is a long time, this must be five by now
Are we done?
Thank God
Needless to say, I need to practice this.
I like my new desk, new floor, team are lovely
I've starting doing the stairs twice a day to my floor, that's 300 steps up each time, (8 floors.)
Food is getting back on track, less crisps more broccoli
Burpees! Yes, my VERY modified burpees are still going strong, I haven't missed a single day and it's actually become a big of a habit, an automatic reflex, I put on my mascara in the morning and hit the floor in my bedroom while it dries then carry on with my eyeliner. Getting easier and arms are looking more toned.
I think I had a bit of a virus but by the end of January, I felt less tired all the time and a bit more hopeful.
Back on the healthy food bandwagon, pretty happy about how I'm fuelling my body.
And now, the negatives;
My new manager seems to have taken an immediate dislike to me. Do you remember that God awful manager we had at the bank? She made my life miserable and used to throw things at me when no one else was around? Well, this one is no where near that bad but she's a bit of a bitch. The woman who started on the same day as me... she loves, me... not so much. No training to speak of just an overview of the team. She was on leave for one week of this month and the other three weeks, she just keeps asking me have I done this or done that. She hasn't taken the time to explain what this and that are or told me that these are tasks that my new role require, I'm just supposed to know, through osmosis I believe. And so, I am a constant disappointment. My last day in work, four weeks into job and three weeks with new manager and my first review goes like this;
How do you think it's gone?
Me.. not very well, you keep asking me if I've done things I didn't even know I was supposed to be doing.
Manager.. well you've been with the department for a few years
Me.. Yes and I can do my old role for you with my eyes closed, I've never done this role
Manger... Well I'll need to take this to my manager.
And then... on the 30th Jan, I get home to see a message on my phone from eldest sister which reads; "call me when you can." You know that we're not in touch regularly so this can only mean one thing, that something is wrong.
Bee is, as we speak, in an ambulance on the way to hospital with pneumonia.
I'm going to give you a potted history of the year so far.
Let's start with the positives shall we?
I feel at home on my new team, at my new desk, on my new floor.
I absolutely LOVE my yoga course. Week one, I roll up 30 minutes early, park up, not sure I've parked in an OK spot. It's pitch dark. I wait in car for 15 minutes then see other people begin to arrive and walk through the door. I get out of the car and walk towards the door, as I do so, two women turn the corner and head for the door but turn around and begin staring at me. I look behind and car isn't sticking out. Check my legs, yes, I am wearing pants. Maybe they're looking at something behind me. Another couple of feet later, (I'm as blind as a bat especially in the dark,) and the two women staring at me are no longer in silhouette, they are Tracy and her Mum. What are the odds eh? Tracy and I hadn't even mentioned the course to each other and here we are, signed up for the duration.
Our teacher Ali, is amazing, it's all very relaxed, you just go where your body lets you. Ali demonstrates, explains, tells you which bits of your body is being worked if you couldn't tell and may throw the odd legend in there too. The room is beautifully lit and there are candles burning. I think I can smell incense.
At one point, Tracy and I are next to each other on mats, flat on our backs in a, I think, happy pigeon pose and Tracy pipes up; "I bet 20 years ago you didn't imagine we'd be here did you?" She's absolutely right and when I got home and did the maths, it's actually 25 years can you believe?
Anyway, the lesson I learnt in that first class is that I am impatient, no, actually I knew that, just didn't realise how in a rush I am. (It's not the same, I know what I mean.) We had to learn how to breath properly, in through the nose, chest expands, collar bones rise slightly. At one point, we were lying on our backs, arms on the floor, slightly away from our bodies, palms up, fingers gently curling. We had to stay there for five breaths and my thoughts went something like this;
In through the nose, chest expands, collar bones raise slightly
In through the nose, chest expands, collar bones raise slightly
In through the, I think we're on four now, yes this must be four by now
In through the, this must be the last one
This is a long time, this must be five by now
Are we done?
Thank God
Needless to say, I need to practice this.
I like my new desk, new floor, team are lovely
I've starting doing the stairs twice a day to my floor, that's 300 steps up each time, (8 floors.)
Food is getting back on track, less crisps more broccoli
Burpees! Yes, my VERY modified burpees are still going strong, I haven't missed a single day and it's actually become a big of a habit, an automatic reflex, I put on my mascara in the morning and hit the floor in my bedroom while it dries then carry on with my eyeliner. Getting easier and arms are looking more toned.
I think I had a bit of a virus but by the end of January, I felt less tired all the time and a bit more hopeful.
Back on the healthy food bandwagon, pretty happy about how I'm fuelling my body.
And now, the negatives;
My new manager seems to have taken an immediate dislike to me. Do you remember that God awful manager we had at the bank? She made my life miserable and used to throw things at me when no one else was around? Well, this one is no where near that bad but she's a bit of a bitch. The woman who started on the same day as me... she loves, me... not so much. No training to speak of just an overview of the team. She was on leave for one week of this month and the other three weeks, she just keeps asking me have I done this or done that. She hasn't taken the time to explain what this and that are or told me that these are tasks that my new role require, I'm just supposed to know, through osmosis I believe. And so, I am a constant disappointment. My last day in work, four weeks into job and three weeks with new manager and my first review goes like this;
How do you think it's gone?
Me.. not very well, you keep asking me if I've done things I didn't even know I was supposed to be doing.
Manager.. well you've been with the department for a few years
Me.. Yes and I can do my old role for you with my eyes closed, I've never done this role
Manger... Well I'll need to take this to my manager.
And then... on the 30th Jan, I get home to see a message on my phone from eldest sister which reads; "call me when you can." You know that we're not in touch regularly so this can only mean one thing, that something is wrong.
Bee is, as we speak, in an ambulance on the way to hospital with pneumonia.
Tuesday, 2 January 2018
Happy New Year! (aka... Here we go again.)
Happy New Year Col, it's the 2nd of Jan and I'm exhausted from reading all of the positive messages from my Instagram people. I'm going to be taking baby steps because we all know that if you go full throttle into a New Year with tons of changes, then nothing usually sticks.
Anyway, it's cold and dark and raining and I go back to work tomorrow after almost two weeks off and I'm starting a new job, that's right... no sleep for me tonight.
January is all about living by numbers for me, what I mean is that I just do stuff that I know I need to do. My brain has enough trouble readjusting to getting up at silly o'clock and doing a day's work, five days a week, 2 hours a day driving etc.etc.
Here we go... living by numbers, (for me anyway):
You get up at 4.30am, therefore you need to be in bed between 8.30pm and 9.00pm.
You should be asleep as close to 9.00pm as possible
Make breakfast every morning and take it with you to work, my favourite work breakfast is a ham and avocado pita with cherry toms on the side and it's exquisite with a Starbucks coffee.
Take healthy snacks to work; clementine's, apples, almonds, Nairn's fine milled oatcakes
Prep veg ready for healthy home made soup for tea, (add red lentils, ground flaxseed and miso.)
2 litres of water minimum per day Monday - Friday
New Entry: 10 (very) modified burpees per day
New Entry: 5 minutes of foam rolling per day
10,000 minimum steps per day, (my daily target is 14,500 but for the day's that I can't leave my desk...)
New Entry: Tell yourself one positive thing to say about yourself every day, (I haven't sussed this one out yet and don't know how to even start.)
Not many new additions but I also need to get back to my daily rituals as listed above.
In addition, I've also tonight, signed up for a 6 week yoga course, it's more about history and meaning and most basic of basics. I actually can't remember the last time I went to a class.... at a venue.... with other people. Scary. Anyway, at worst, I won't go and it'll be a total waste of money but I'm going to try. I did yoga for a little while about 20 years ago, maybe more and all I can remember is going with Sheila and laughing through a huge part of it when we couldn't get up. I realise I need to be more zen this time around. (Scared, excited, nothing to wear.)
I'll keep you posted. Love you x
Anyway, it's cold and dark and raining and I go back to work tomorrow after almost two weeks off and I'm starting a new job, that's right... no sleep for me tonight.
January is all about living by numbers for me, what I mean is that I just do stuff that I know I need to do. My brain has enough trouble readjusting to getting up at silly o'clock and doing a day's work, five days a week, 2 hours a day driving etc.etc.
Here we go... living by numbers, (for me anyway):
You get up at 4.30am, therefore you need to be in bed between 8.30pm and 9.00pm.
You should be asleep as close to 9.00pm as possible
Make breakfast every morning and take it with you to work, my favourite work breakfast is a ham and avocado pita with cherry toms on the side and it's exquisite with a Starbucks coffee.
Take healthy snacks to work; clementine's, apples, almonds, Nairn's fine milled oatcakes
Prep veg ready for healthy home made soup for tea, (add red lentils, ground flaxseed and miso.)
2 litres of water minimum per day Monday - Friday
New Entry: 10 (very) modified burpees per day
New Entry: 5 minutes of foam rolling per day
10,000 minimum steps per day, (my daily target is 14,500 but for the day's that I can't leave my desk...)
New Entry: Tell yourself one positive thing to say about yourself every day, (I haven't sussed this one out yet and don't know how to even start.)
Not many new additions but I also need to get back to my daily rituals as listed above.
In addition, I've also tonight, signed up for a 6 week yoga course, it's more about history and meaning and most basic of basics. I actually can't remember the last time I went to a class.... at a venue.... with other people. Scary. Anyway, at worst, I won't go and it'll be a total waste of money but I'm going to try. I did yoga for a little while about 20 years ago, maybe more and all I can remember is going with Sheila and laughing through a huge part of it when we couldn't get up. I realise I need to be more zen this time around. (Scared, excited, nothing to wear.)
I'll keep you posted. Love you x
Monday, 1 January 2018
Rings
For reasons too numerous to mention, and after years of uncomfortable conversations and furtive looks, it's just easier to not wear my Mum's rings when I visit some family. Christmas Eve, I removed my rings and placed them safely in my purse. Christmas Day evening, I'm at home, at one end of the dining room when I take the rings out of my purse... and promptly drop one. I hear it land on the floor but I don't see where it finally rested.
I spent 40 minutes on my hands and knees with my face placed for the most part on the carpet. It's no where to be found. The next day, I'm travelling up to see my cousin an hour away and it's still dark when I leave so the light isn't good but I have another quick search and tell myself not to worry, it has got to be there, I just can't see it.
I return home the following night, in the dark, and with poor light once more. Still, before bed, I scour the dining room with torch in one hand and carpet to face for the duration. I even bounce a similar ring from the spot I dropped the original to analyse how and if it bounced and where it would have eventually landed. Mum's engagement ring to the love of her life, was no where to be found and even though, logically, I couldn't have lost it, I might as well have done. My heart was heavy.
That night, I headed for bed, not defeated, (it had to be there somewhere,) but a little sad. It just wasn't anywhere to be found. As I closed my bedroom door, I said; "Please God, help me to find it." I was looking down as I opened my eyes and there, next to my foot, was the ring.
I heard the ring drop onto the carpet. I pick my feet up when I walk, I don't shuffle from one room to another so it can't have been kicked along. How did the ring travel fifty feet from where it was dropped?
Do I think that someone found the ring and placed it where I could see it? I do. I know this sounds ridiculous but there are some things you just can't explain, even if you try really hard. I've tried and I can't explain it.
I spent 40 minutes on my hands and knees with my face placed for the most part on the carpet. It's no where to be found. The next day, I'm travelling up to see my cousin an hour away and it's still dark when I leave so the light isn't good but I have another quick search and tell myself not to worry, it has got to be there, I just can't see it.
I return home the following night, in the dark, and with poor light once more. Still, before bed, I scour the dining room with torch in one hand and carpet to face for the duration. I even bounce a similar ring from the spot I dropped the original to analyse how and if it bounced and where it would have eventually landed. Mum's engagement ring to the love of her life, was no where to be found and even though, logically, I couldn't have lost it, I might as well have done. My heart was heavy.
That night, I headed for bed, not defeated, (it had to be there somewhere,) but a little sad. It just wasn't anywhere to be found. As I closed my bedroom door, I said; "Please God, help me to find it." I was looking down as I opened my eyes and there, next to my foot, was the ring.
I heard the ring drop onto the carpet. I pick my feet up when I walk, I don't shuffle from one room to another so it can't have been kicked along. How did the ring travel fifty feet from where it was dropped?
Do I think that someone found the ring and placed it where I could see it? I do. I know this sounds ridiculous but there are some things you just can't explain, even if you try really hard. I've tried and I can't explain it.
Friday, 29 December 2017
Christmas
Hi Col, well, this was probably my worst Christmas since the one that came a month after I lost Mum, so many years ago. Christmas week and Jan was run off the road by a lorry who didn't see her while she was driving grand baby home. Both physically OK, Jan traumatised as any of us would be, Everly none the wiser, thank God. I've been in extra support mode to anyone who needs me this week, this is my role in this life clearly.
Christmas Day, I have six hours of company. That's a lot I realise and I'm not complaining, but that's the least I've had so far in this life and I know that this will decrease as the years tick over now.
Anyway, I have plans for the coming year. This is my to-do list so far:
Practice saying No
Don't always put others before yourself (this is never going go happen)
Take better care of yourself, (we shall see.)
Get stronger / workout more
Try yoga
Be vigilant about your mental health
Deal with stress in a healthy way
Learn to articulate your feelings, (this is going to be a toughie.)
Honestly not sure I will succeed at all or any of the above in the coming twelve months but I think it's important to recognise what's needed, even if some of it gets shelved for a while.
Jan's been having a really hard time since the accident. Logic goes out of the window when you have post traumatic stress and are completely freaked out by the thought of what might have been. A few days after the accident, I was feeling the weight of being the only sister to be able to offer support, Jan came down stairs to find a wind up musical Christmas ornament that Mum had given her and hubby many years ago, playing and twirling all on it's own. Hubby in the garage, Jan upstairs with dog, no one else around. 'Have I popped too many pills?' asked Jan. No... that's all Mum. I think it was Mum checking in not only for Jan but for me too.
Rings... to be continued x
Messy
I'm all for the rah-rah, we're strong, we can do this, we are beautiful army. Except, that I'm that girl waiting to be picked for rounders. If I'm picked for netball it's only because I'm10 years old and 5ft 6" and can be tree like, #exceedinglylongarms.
I started writing this days ago and now, I have forgotten my point so I'm just going to jump right in to what I think was the gist ...I'm finding it more and more difficult to maintain positivity. It's true, I have to try to find the positive every single day and no, it does not come naturally nor do I necessarily find it. I don't want to be one of those horrible, uptight, drags the day down kind of a person but lately I feel like I've become that.
It's a couple of weeks later and... I got the job. Remember the job that I applied for one thousand years ago? There was a lot of to-ing and fro-ing and a lot of miss communication, my department is dreadful at communicating clearly, apparently. The main thing is, I'm so relieved I got the job and next year will bring a new start. My 'big' boss's parting words were, 'my door is always open, I know it was a huge decision for you to leave and if in a couple of months, you think you've made a mistake, come and talk to me.'
Great to think the door is always open but shame they didn't want to do enough for me to want to stay in the first place.
Life is messy, let's just get on with it eh?
I started writing this days ago and now, I have forgotten my point so I'm just going to jump right in to what I think was the gist ...I'm finding it more and more difficult to maintain positivity. It's true, I have to try to find the positive every single day and no, it does not come naturally nor do I necessarily find it. I don't want to be one of those horrible, uptight, drags the day down kind of a person but lately I feel like I've become that.
It's a couple of weeks later and... I got the job. Remember the job that I applied for one thousand years ago? There was a lot of to-ing and fro-ing and a lot of miss communication, my department is dreadful at communicating clearly, apparently. The main thing is, I'm so relieved I got the job and next year will bring a new start. My 'big' boss's parting words were, 'my door is always open, I know it was a huge decision for you to leave and if in a couple of months, you think you've made a mistake, come and talk to me.'
Great to think the door is always open but shame they didn't want to do enough for me to want to stay in the first place.
Life is messy, let's just get on with it eh?
Tuesday, 28 November 2017
Reasons to Celebrate
Guess what? We have a princess in waiting in the form of Meghan Markle. Meghan, like Kate was born to this role, of that I have no doubt. I also have no doubt that the Princes Mother ensured that the perfect other half came into the lives of her boys. Could Kate or Meghan be more perfect to join the firm? I think not.
Well it's about time, both boys deserve every happiness. Don't know about you but I can't wait for the Royal Wedding next year. The Prince has paid his dues, it's time to be happy.
Well it's about time, both boys deserve every happiness. Don't know about you but I can't wait for the Royal Wedding next year. The Prince has paid his dues, it's time to be happy.
Reasons to be Thankful
After a horrible few days at work, on Wednesday, I waved work goodbye for eleven days of leave. I still haven't heard about the job and I spent two days trying to give a home email address to HR so that I can at last be put out of my misery over whether or not I got the job. Just tell me for heavens sake.
Mentally, I'm not doing great. Someone told me this week to "speak up for yourself". I've never done that and I don't know how to do so calmly and rationally. I always assume that if I'm being unfairly treated, there must be a reason for it, the person thinks I can deal with it and so I should be able to, or I'm so obnoxious to be around....
Thursday I fly off to my friends down south. I've been nursing earache all week and I'm dreading the flight but we're on time, first time with this airline in ages, and I deliberately yawn through the flight to keep popping ears and I'm fine. The weather is kind all weekend, dry but bitterly cold, it's perfect, except that I'm frozen to the bone for most of it.
Apart from soaking up my lovely friends and their kids, dog and cat, I was trying to absorb what I like and what I don't like. Dear brother-in-law retires next year and for the past few years, he's been earmarked for jobs around here, around my home.
What's that called? I love it! This I fire at Mark. I'm thinking it's some kind of shutter board, that's my name for it. 'It's ship lap" "Ship lack!" "Ship lap, as in lap dance" not going to go in that direction but thank you Mark, now I know what it's called. I've also made a mental note of colours, putty, sea blue, sea green, grey, love love love them. So me.
Loved my time away, Sunday was lunch with the kiddos, me, anti-sticky freak, per ma covered in antibacterial gel freak, was during lunch, had one hand washed in apple juice after partially saving a spillage by Joshi and the other hand covered in spaghetti bolognaise from Ellie who is only two and loves to eat her spaghetti with her fingers and then holds my hand with her two, Bolognaise covered tiny hands.
You know what? For all the antibacterial gel, or tea in China... wouldn't change it for a second, sticky or not.
Flight home is smooth, I'm so tired I try to nod on the short flight, something I've never done before. Jan and Dear Brother in law pick me up from the airport, we chat the whole way home and I'm so proud of myself when I get home, everything is away and pristine in the kitchen, I must have been possessed before I left.
Most of Monday is spent with Everly Grace. My baby great niece and when I look into those blue eyes, I see her Daddy. Time goes by so quickly and if you haven't witnessed this yet, then trust me, it truly does. I won't fawn over her or try to buy her affection, I will love her from afar, hopefully she'll feel it one day.
Oh and why do I feel like there is a little brother in waiting?
Mentally, I'm not doing great. Someone told me this week to "speak up for yourself". I've never done that and I don't know how to do so calmly and rationally. I always assume that if I'm being unfairly treated, there must be a reason for it, the person thinks I can deal with it and so I should be able to, or I'm so obnoxious to be around....
Thursday I fly off to my friends down south. I've been nursing earache all week and I'm dreading the flight but we're on time, first time with this airline in ages, and I deliberately yawn through the flight to keep popping ears and I'm fine. The weather is kind all weekend, dry but bitterly cold, it's perfect, except that I'm frozen to the bone for most of it.
Apart from soaking up my lovely friends and their kids, dog and cat, I was trying to absorb what I like and what I don't like. Dear brother-in-law retires next year and for the past few years, he's been earmarked for jobs around here, around my home.
What's that called? I love it! This I fire at Mark. I'm thinking it's some kind of shutter board, that's my name for it. 'It's ship lap" "Ship lack!" "Ship lap, as in lap dance" not going to go in that direction but thank you Mark, now I know what it's called. I've also made a mental note of colours, putty, sea blue, sea green, grey, love love love them. So me.
Loved my time away, Sunday was lunch with the kiddos, me, anti-sticky freak, per ma covered in antibacterial gel freak, was during lunch, had one hand washed in apple juice after partially saving a spillage by Joshi and the other hand covered in spaghetti bolognaise from Ellie who is only two and loves to eat her spaghetti with her fingers and then holds my hand with her two, Bolognaise covered tiny hands.
You know what? For all the antibacterial gel, or tea in China... wouldn't change it for a second, sticky or not.
Flight home is smooth, I'm so tired I try to nod on the short flight, something I've never done before. Jan and Dear Brother in law pick me up from the airport, we chat the whole way home and I'm so proud of myself when I get home, everything is away and pristine in the kitchen, I must have been possessed before I left.
Most of Monday is spent with Everly Grace. My baby great niece and when I look into those blue eyes, I see her Daddy. Time goes by so quickly and if you haven't witnessed this yet, then trust me, it truly does. I won't fawn over her or try to buy her affection, I will love her from afar, hopefully she'll feel it one day.
Oh and why do I feel like there is a little brother in waiting?
Anniversary
Hi Col, not sure I'm going to publish this but just felt the need to write.
I don't know how many oceans are between us but we share a couple of anniversaries over a couple of weeks right?
Not sure what it's like over with you Col, but over here, it's an odd time. Everyone is so excited for Halloween then the 5th, Gun powder, Treason and Plot etc. then it's officially the run up to Christmas. I'm all about acting scared when I open the door to little Hob Goblins on Halloween then from 1st November, Christmas begins to materialise before your very eyes. I still have to get through 5th November though.
This week has driven me a little nuts. Tuesday was Halloween, happy, happy, happy. Wednesday it was really bugging me that I still hadn't heard about the job I'd applied for. I'd got to the point where I really didn't care anymore... just tell me if I got through to interview or not... please just put me out of my misery.
Thursday I found out that I had an interview for next week. Not going to stress over it, I'll do my best but if it's meant to be it's meant to be.
Friday I was off work and went work boot shopping with Jan, I'm currently walking/jogging 10 miles a day and needed new work footwear more than ever. I got some ankle boots which are quite stiff around the back of my lower calf but my feet are comfy at least and they are Gortex too which I think is waterproof. Bonus.
Sunday, the 5th, is of course rubbish but I got a couple of signs, as I arrived for coffee, part of a rainbow was right in front of me, on the way home from coffee, I had Gregory Porter singing Smile to me. Both the rainbow and that song have a special meaning to me on this day so, I will gratefully and graciously accept them.
We began the day with icy rain, then came the sunshine, now we have a pastel blue sky. I don't remember the weather fourteen years ago today, all a bit of a blur.
You're absolutely right... concentrate on the happy times, will try to remember that for next year x
I don't know how many oceans are between us but we share a couple of anniversaries over a couple of weeks right?
Not sure what it's like over with you Col, but over here, it's an odd time. Everyone is so excited for Halloween then the 5th, Gun powder, Treason and Plot etc. then it's officially the run up to Christmas. I'm all about acting scared when I open the door to little Hob Goblins on Halloween then from 1st November, Christmas begins to materialise before your very eyes. I still have to get through 5th November though.
This week has driven me a little nuts. Tuesday was Halloween, happy, happy, happy. Wednesday it was really bugging me that I still hadn't heard about the job I'd applied for. I'd got to the point where I really didn't care anymore... just tell me if I got through to interview or not... please just put me out of my misery.
Thursday I found out that I had an interview for next week. Not going to stress over it, I'll do my best but if it's meant to be it's meant to be.
Friday I was off work and went work boot shopping with Jan, I'm currently walking/jogging 10 miles a day and needed new work footwear more than ever. I got some ankle boots which are quite stiff around the back of my lower calf but my feet are comfy at least and they are Gortex too which I think is waterproof. Bonus.
Sunday, the 5th, is of course rubbish but I got a couple of signs, as I arrived for coffee, part of a rainbow was right in front of me, on the way home from coffee, I had Gregory Porter singing Smile to me. Both the rainbow and that song have a special meaning to me on this day so, I will gratefully and graciously accept them.
We began the day with icy rain, then came the sunshine, now we have a pastel blue sky. I don't remember the weather fourteen years ago today, all a bit of a blur.
You're absolutely right... concentrate on the happy times, will try to remember that for next year x
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