Looking Back

So we're nearing the end of 2012 and let's not beat around the bush, it wasn't the best was it?  Full of worry and stress and sadness and of course saying goodbye, whether that was to incredibly special people, who could never to be replaced, family, dear friends, jobs, people that made us happy, made us feel special, made us feel secure.  It was a year of loss for us, but mostly for you.

Christmas is about spending the day with those that you love, if you can, and we both did that.  My day was planned with military precision so that I could see everyone I was supposed to, but it all worked out and I had a lovely day.  I spent our Boxing Day, the day after Christmas, also with those that I love, except instead of presents on that day, I got one of my at least, bi-annual lectures.  The person who lectures me does it from a place of love and I know that he means well but in reality, he hasn't a clue about my true situation and I just want to tell him that he is quite frankly, talking out of his hat, but I would never do that... because he means well and because he cares.  So I sit there and take the berating. Why do I live in a property with that many bedrooms when there is just me?  Why this? Why that?  I sit like a scolded child because otherwise, I would point out that actually, he doesn't understand me at all and all of his seemingly good suggestions are actually supremely flawed and totally inaccurate for me but I would never point that out because then I would make him wrong, so I take it and I'm close to tears but I suck it in, until the next lecture.

The journey home was not good, heavy rain, a mostly hour long, downhill journey with so much surface water on the roads, I didn't feel like I could feel the tarmac, I dropped my speed to 50 for most of the journey, even that wasn't slow enough.

After calling in at my eldest sister's on the way home on Boxing Day, I finally got home about 5pm, phoned my brother-in-law to wish him a belated Merry Christmas, he was working on Christmas Day, watched some TV and then went to bed and slept in fits and starts waiting for my alarm to go off ready for work.  I did that thing several times where you hear your alarm go off, and you wake with a start, but the alarm was only in my head.

Work wasn't too bad on Thursday, think I was on my own for the first 1.5 hours, I left at 2pm board out of my skull.  My two 'nearest' people, J and Bee are both unavailable.. via the phone, so it's just me this evening.

Bitch Slapped

So today, I got a slap in the face.  Not literally you understand but I still felt it.  Actually, I've had a few slaps the past few days.  It's like the Universe is saying, "for heaven's sake, wake up will you?"

My friend told me that all she wanted to do on Sunday was cuddle with.... her significant other.  Sunday, a friend who is kind of together with someone but seems to be single, told me that they were heading off to choose blinds and curtains.  Slap.  Huge reminder that said friend is well and truly part of a couple.  Have I been in a coma and slept through a few months and it's now either Christmas or New Year?  You know... those well known holidays in which you are damned if you are single.

I sit next to Mark (name changed to protect the not so innocent,)  in work.  He is also a Leo, he is a little older than me, happily married with two gorgeous boys.  He is the worst gossip, knows everything that's happening in the office and if you don't tell him what's going on with you... he'll make it up and repeat it until it sticks, for instance, I apparently have a pen chant for short and powerful men.  No, I have no idea where that came from either, but he's repeated it for over a year now, and the gullible in work sometimes actually believe him, until I put them straight.

Since declaring myself single to Mark a few weeks ago, (I had to, I wasn't up to Mark's jibes the day after the break up so I confessed and he was sweet.)  We have now left sweet, well enough alone and he's decided he should make me a list of all eligible males.  Let me see, there is Lester, with the stacked heels and the restraining order, a reminder of his last relationship, neanderthal man and... I can't go on, at this point anyway, it's too cruel.

I was of course in work on Sunday, it was very quiet and it was actually nice, and peaceful.  Monday and Tuesday, we had torrential rain, more than a months rain fell in the first 24 hours.  I managed somehow to not get too saturated on my walk to and from the car, so that was a blessing.  It's now Tuesday evening and the rain is still battering down, it's supposed to break tomorrow... fingers crossed.

The last two days have been long and busy.  On one hand, they've actually passed quite quickly, on the other, I feel like I've crammed in at least three days work in already.

Wednesday, another long day with more torrential rain, I was pretty soaked before I even arrived at work this morning.  The day wasn't too bad, I worked as fast as I could, got my stats pretty quickly then started to prep other work I had waiting for me and looking at me.  On the way home, I had to queue to get onto the bridge, queue to get into the supermarket, queue for fuel, then queue to get out of the supermarket, oh then I queued in the road works, got home 12 hours after I left.

Thursday is the first day that I park up and walk to work without, without being rained on.  No rain, no force 10 gale, nothing, it's dark, but I actually enjoy the walk today.

Work passes by really quickly... again, at this rate I'll be finished before I know it.  Word is spreading and people from other parts of the building are starting to stop me and ask me about my new job, one thing I can say about the job is, the people are lovely and I will miss them.  Anyway, it's J's birthday today.  She isn't up to going out for a meal so I'm invited to have dinner with them, it's a take-away meal and I head to J's after work and we wait for G, J's hubby and CJ... my nephew.  It was a lovely night but we didn't eat until after 7pm, which is not unusual for normal people, for me, when I had my breakfast at 4.15am, no lunch and I'm usually just about ready for bed by 7.30pm... it was a tad late.  It was lovely though, there is something special about sharing food and chatting with loved ones isn't there?  I excuse myself as I know I won't last much longer, I still have to drive home, shower and dry the head before I aim for bed, I get home at 7.45pm.  I shower, watch an episode of "Friends," (the one where Chandler goes AWOL just before the wedding,) update here, then head for bed by 8.45pm.  So tired.

It's Friday and I wake at 3am with a million things zinging through my brain, I'm up at 3.20, I realise that this is not normal.

Snippets of Blue

I'm starting this on Wednesday.  I'm still eating my body weight in Maltesers everyday, gosh I hope this subsides soon.  I've spent a lot of time today thinking of diversion tactics when, in reality, I just need to get-a-grip.  If I carry on like this, I'll be even more miserable because I'm 10lbs heavier.

Torrential rain woke me this morning at 3.30am.  Not a terrible hardship as my alarm was due to go off around 3.50am anyway, but I lay there thinking, this is summer, and I'm going to get soaked to the skin this morning.  The rain made so much noise, it reminded me of being in a caravan when I was a kid... in torrential rain... probably in the summer holidays.

By the time I was leaving home at 5.30am, it was only very light rain, and the same 40 minutes later when I parked up, ready for my walk the office.

Work has bored my soul half to death, I'm finding myself longing for "complicated" assignments to make the day a little more interesting.  Needless to say, the days have dragged.

I contacted Grazia yesterday about my prize, they got back to me today and it should be winging it's way to me in the next few days, I had to contact them the last time I won, (after I'd waited for them for a couple of weeks.)  Next time I win, I won't wait so long to get in touch ;)

So, I'm thinking of you, all of the time and really wish I could phone a travel agent right now and book a flight.  Sadly, I can't.  I am however going to put a little something in the post to you on Friday, just so you know I'm thinking of you and that I'm with you in spirit.  It will be something sparkly.

On my way home from work, my cousin sent me a text to say that darling daughter Miss Amelie Sophia, had taken her first steps today.  First steps of many, into a big, wide world, I'm so proud and cannot wait to witness this in person.

Wednesday, in case you wanted to know... ended with beautiful blue skies, we're just experiencing snippets of summer this year, but every snippet, is a welcome one.

Torrential Rain

I have comfort eaten my way through the week, there were not enough Maltesers in the whole of the North West of England to cheer me up.  To try to counteract the Malteser after shock, I've been upping the toning every night, not sure it's worked though.

Work this week hasn't been too bad, lots of IT problems but while everyone around me seemed frustrated beyond belief, I just let it wash over me, what can you do?

Remember the old white haired man with the dog that says, "Morning Miss"?  Well he almost gave me a heart attack.  I was getting the car out of the garage around 5.25am on Thursday, got out of the car to close the garage door and I heard, "Morning!"  He'd walked past and waited for me at the next garden.  Hadn't seen him at all, so after a slight shock, I smile/grimaced and "morning'd" right back at him.  I didn't want to make him think he'd scared me.

I went to donate blood today, Thursday.  Hurt a bit due to scar tissue, I've been donating for 25 years now so it's only to be expected.  I can only put this down to enormous amounts of water, I drank about 1.5 litres of water before I went to donate, then they give you a big glass of water to drink while you fill out the paperwork and I gave my donation in 5 minutes 57 seconds, my own personal best.  You have to give in 15 minutes and usually, I have to squeeze a grippy tube to help pump the last remaining bit before the 15 minutes is up, otherwise, they can't use my donation.  One of the more mature nurses attended to me today, she's comforting, (even though she told me she took her cat to the wrong cattery while she went on holiday... easily done, I'm sure.)  She chatted to me the whole time and thanked me for coming, it's nice to see familiar faces when you go, reassuring.

I speak to a sister at night and she makes a passing jibe, which upsets me.  I don't get why people want to be nasty to each other, why go out of your way to be hurtful to another person?  I know that we can all say things when we're short on temper, which is bad enough, but at other times, do we have an excuse or are we just being a bitch?

It's Friday and I'm using a day's leave again.  I have a little bruise on my arm from yesterday, and it's a bit sore, but it's fine.  The rain is torrential and driving on the motorway is treacherous.  Visibility is very bad but thankfully everyone is keeping their speed down.  I park up, lock the car and I'm making a dash for it when I hear a garbled shout.  I turn back and see a woman sitting in a car.  Did she shout me?  I can't really see of course but I can make out that it's a dark haired woman and she's on her phone.  She waves and I'm wondering if someone is behind me, then she beckons for me to come back towards her car.  As I get nearer, I realise it's my friend Carol and I get in her car out of the rain. 

Carol finishes on the phone, explains what she's doing there (on way to Manchester but weather so bad and flood warnings for later so she diverted...) and then we head for coffee. 

We have a good catch up, I tell her the latest and she gives me a "tough love" talk, I know she's right, it's not like I haven't already gone through it in my own head, in every single permutation, it's just so depressing to hear.  Anyway, it was lovely to see Carol but I abandoned everything else I intended to do.

I then, in the torrential rain, went from one shop on my list to the next, not finding anything I needed and getting wetter with each trip.  By the time I got home, I was sodden, hair, clothing, shopping bags.   It's a really miserable day, weather wise.