June 22nd

This week, after recently, being lovingly yet undeniably reprimanded by certain people, via Ivy, I made a concerted effort on the healthy/clean living front.  I'm not saying that it was easy, but it was more a case of mind over matter.

Wednesday, I went with a few others to visit a potential employer, it was actually a different branch, of the place that I left in October.  The visit was very disappointing.  Very little information and little hope.

I did however get a couple of emails the following day, from friends Mr O and Mr P, asking why I hadn't stopped by to visit them... on my visit.  Truth was, we were herded around a different floor and with security, I couldn't have got to either of their floors anyway.  It was nice to be missed though.

Thursday, I had a wobble.  I'm surrounded by people doing so well, and then, there's me.  I know that sounds like I have a touch of the green eyed monsters, but I am extremely happy for them all and I would not wish for them, anything else.  I just feel useless and pointless at the moment, and a bit of a failure.  Plus, I'm hormonal, which probably isn't helping.

I'm no longer dizzy from the blood pressure meds.  I need to get an ECG and blood tests this week.  With the building closing, work will officially declare me,"at risk" on September 2nd.  I need to start applying for jobs immediately, need to continue keeping an eye on blood pressure but meds seem to be working... mostly.  Need to end relationship. Blah blah blah.

I volunteered for overtime on Sunday, there has been an overtime ban for months and I thought this would pay for my new passport.  By lunchtime I'd had a text to say that those in on Saturday had completed all the work so I wasn't needed on Sunday, no overtime = no passport.  Such is my luck. 

I keep getting knocked over and keep getting back up.  I'm starting to think that I should take the hint and just stay down.  What do you think?

1% Risk

So you know that I failed my last 24 hour blood pressure test, and I plea bargained with my parole officer, (doctor, she's very nice really,) to give me one last chance, in a few months time, when life would hopefully be less stressful?  That was January, so rewind to a few weeks ago in May and I rocked up to the surgery to give it a whirl one more time.  It was over a Friday/Saturday.  I took the day off work to be extra calm, (you're supposed to have a "normal" day but I didn't want to take the chance.)  I wasn't sure my plan had worked.  I didn't check every 30 minute reading, but the ones that I did check, were high.

I returned the monitor to the surgery on Monday and on Tuesday, the nurse phoned me at work with the results and to put me out of my misery, tests, of any kind, make me anxious.  Nurse reels off a string of numbers which I can't write down as I've left my desk to take the call on my mobile and forgot to bring a pen.  Long story short, BP was high in the day and normal while I slept, this is a major leap forward as last time, it was high, even while I slept.  So... averaged out, nurse thinks I may have just scraped through.  "If you don't hear anything from your GP, it's fine!"  What a relief.

Two days later, I received a letter from my General Practicioner, asking me to make an appointment to discuss recent investigation.  Two weeks after that, I'm seated in my doctor's office and she's smiling at me.  "So the appointment is about your blood pressure?"  We cut to the chase and she is not happy with the daytime readings and so I'm on meds, that's that, no discussion.  Doctor matter-of-factly tells me that I have a 1% risk of heart disease in the next 10 years. All I could think about was a skyscraper sized number "1" right in front of me. I got the feeling that this information was supposed to make me feel better, but it didn't, I need context.  For instance, do I have a 1% chance of becoming a nun?  Of marrying Ryan Gosling?  Of being struck by lightening at the exact moment I was being hit by a bus?  I even tried to do the math but mathematics was never my strong point, 1 in 100 people x 10 years...

I've been a little disappointed, worried and dizzy this week, (the dizziness is due to the meds until my body gets used to them.)  I had hoped to get this under control naturally but doctor advised that it could be genetic.  Jack, my Dad died, I think at 59 with a heart attack, so maybe it is genetic and it's not something that I have created.

Next on the agenda is an ECG in a few weeks, just to make sure that some of the chambers of my heart are not larger than they should be.  I'm having very weird dreams and when I go to bed, all I can hear is my heartbeat, and it doesn't sound normal, last night, it sounded too fast followed by long pauses.  This is probably all in my head, or at least, in my ear drums.

Millions of people around the world live happily and long, with high blood pressure, I just need a small amount of time to digest the fact that I have it too.

1%

So the next day, I felt positively scalped as I washed the head in the shower, of course, there is still tons of it but Louise did a great job shaping it up.

The weekend evaporated before I knew it and it was Monday... again.  My body is lagging behind the positive healthy image that I'm carrying around with me at present in my head.  I have stomach ache all the time, aches if I eat anything, aches if I don't.

I headed to the Doctor's on Monday for my blood pressure "discussion".  Conversation went something like this; "so you did the 24 hour blood pressure monitoring test, your overall average was high, so we'll sort out some meds for you today."

"Right away?"  I was stunned, I honestly thought I'd get another go, I failed my driving test first time around, and my history GCSE, well, I got a "D", how come I don't get another go this time? 

I launched into my best negotiating tactics, it was a test, I was really anxious about taking it and I like to do well at tests so I put more pressure on myself, I was really conscious of it "going off" every 30 minutes while I was in work, I felt embarrassed, I was worried about failing.  My doctor had a wry smile on her face by this point and she turned to the computer to scan my other test results.  My other results were "excellent" and at this point, if she leaves it for a few months, I only have a 1% chance of developing heart disease, and so I won a reprieve. 

I don't know if I've made this up or if I heard it somewhere, but in my head, once I'm on blood pressure meds, I'll be on them for life, which is why it's so important for me to try to get this under control naturally.  I get to take the test again in May.  If I fail in May, I'm on meds but hey, I passed my driving test second time around, and I got a "C" in my History second time around, it'll be fine.

I know, I know...

You're wondering where I've been and what the heck I've been up to?  Well, I don't actually know where the past two weeks disappeared to, it wasn't doing housework because this place is a tip.  Each Monday to Friday have been busy, changes by the day, more and more worry piled on the top of existing worry about jobs and selections and options and my weekends just evaporate.  Each 48 hour segment feels like 90 minutes maximum, isn't that just typical?

One thing I did do last Sunday was accept an invite from CJ for coffee at 11ish.  I rapped on the door and bent head first to untie boots, as I lifted head up, this vision of pride and handsomeness greeted me.  "Have you lost weight?" Were the first words out of my mouth and this cheeky and knowing face smiled back at me.  In three weeks, CJ has lost 14lbs.  He looks great, happy and strong, just what an  Aunt wants to see.  We were having a great chat but I had to cut it short to get back home for B calling in after church.

My own workouts, other than my "Jane Fonda" leg lifts, have dried up recently, between a muscle spasm in my back and total lack of motivation, that's all I've managed.  I am on a bit of health kick though.  Alcohol consumption down, veggies up, porridge up, sleep up.  All good things.

Oh, eyebrows were waxed at the fair hand of the lovely Mandie yesterday, so I feel slightly more human today.

Did I tell you about my eldest sister's cholesterol?  I was told she had a reading of 20, this week, I found out, from the horses mouth that it was actually 23.  So  a couple of weeks ago, on my last visit to my GP, I mentioned this and another sister having high cholesterol and two of my cousins and asked if she thought I should have it checked?  GP loved the idea and told me that "they", the doctors, love people asking for tests.  Who knew?  Anyway, a week later I went for my test and a few days after the fasting blood test I got my results, sugar at 4.4, cholesterol at 4.6, both normal.  Just need to sort out my BP now.

Think of a Number

So, my blood pressure has been sporadic but mostly high for a few years now, do you remember the last time I was due to come out to see you and I thought the locum doctor would put the mockers on me flying?  Every time I had my BP taken, I managed to pass off the high measurement somehow, had two jobs, little sleep, stressful situation, but four years on and they don't seem to believe me so much. 

I haven't seen many white feathers lately but just figured too much time had passed and those that used to send me those little "hello's" were fine and so, that was fine by me. They were busy having fun and I was happy with that.

I've had two tiny and fluffy white feathers on my doorstep this week, well, Saturday and then another on Sunday.  Do we think this is a coincidence?  I'm guessing not so much.

The nurse I've seen a couple of times in the past six months, quite rightly, flagged up my high BP.  It's not terrible, (they haven't seen it terrible,) just higher than it should be.  So I was given an ultimatum that I should complete a 24 hour blood pressure test, away from the surgery, away from "white collar syndrome,"  to prove myself and to show that I was really okay.

At the last meeting, I asked the nurse to write down for me, what I should be, and what I was.  She wrote, what I should be as 144/90 and what I was as 150/92, so you can see, not hugely over on the scale, this time.

Around 8 weeks later, I have been summoned to take a 24 hour blood pressure monitoring test.  I am anxious, I haven't slept for a few nights worrying about it, I have read that a reading is taken every 30 minutes, (and when it does, if it's anything like the monitor I have at home, it makes a very loud buzzing sound.)  I'm worried I'll distract my colleagues, draw attention to myself, for the whole time I'm in work and thus, I would be embarrassed, I hate all attention on me.  The Sister who fit's the device is calm and lovely.  The medical student, who bundles in, a few minutes late after rapping on the door, is not.  She does not calm me. 

I have a cuff placed around my arm, it's too big for me but it has a clip and I attach it to my t-shirt.  The reader, monitor, sits in a little, across body holder, like a little handbag, only the Sister dresses me and feeds the connecting tube and the holster, over my shirt, and so I ask if it can sit under my shirt, I'm self conscious as it is without advertising a tube and an across body bag which buzzes every 30 minutes for heavens sake.

You may be surprised to know that my first reading was high.  Sister was lovely and explained that this is normal and this should be the highest reading of 24 hours.

Unfortunately, from 9am when the device was fitted, it wasn't until 3.30pm that my blood pressure returned to "normal-ish."  I was too conscious of the readings, or if anyone would notice the buzzing, if we'd finish our daily, "not so brief," (our daily meeting,) before the monitor would check on me again.  It was too much and a mistake, I should have taken the day off to attempt to remain calm.

I got home and used the time between readings to grab a shower, I took off my shirt and there, prominent and proud, was a tiny white feather attached to the strap of the holster.  Explanations are welcome.

I was at home and watching TV by 3.30pm which is when I neared normal.  I went to bed early, I was tired as I hadn't slept well the night before... in preparation, and I didn't expect to sleep on Monday night at all with the readings continuing through the night.  However, it wasn't too bad.  I went unconscious, with the help of a tiny bit of wine, for 5 hours and then I woke and dozed in between readings for the next 5 hours, I lay still in bed, wide awake between 5am and 6am to get another 2, "normal" readings under my belt to attempt to get my average down.

I headed out to the surgery again the next morning and Sister actually came for me over 5 minutes early, "thought you'd be glad to take that off."  I really was but the funny thing was, I felt like I was still wearing the cuff even after it had been removed.

The Sister downloaded the information there and then.  They are used to at least 3 errors but I had only 1 and "did really well" I got excited at this point as thought I'd passed then realised she was talking about the number of errors.  Only one error, (miss reading) occurred within 24 hours and it was around midnight, I was asleep and must have been laying on the tube.

The Sister then analysed the downloaded results.  "You see here that it's high and it's not until here than it becomes normal, even here, it's higher than it should be, so the average over 24 hours is.......... 144/90."

I was temporarily elated, that's the number I needed, that's the number the nurse wrote down for me, I'm okay!  But apparently not, despite the earlier nurse, 8 weeks ago, telling me that I should be at 144/90, today, that number is high, apparently.

Don't you think it's strange that out of highs and lows over 24 hours that the average is the number I've been staring at and hoping for, for the last 2 months?  144/90.  I do.

So I have to wait now.  If it was up to the lovely and calm Sister Bullock, she would give me 6 months and have me take the test again because I am "young" (allegedly,) and "light," (who am I to argue?)  But sadly it is not up to Sister Bullock, the information will be passed to my GP and she will be in touch with a plan of action, I'm hoping they give me a stay of execution.  I don't want to go onto meds just yet and I am, after all, under the threat of redundancy for heavens sake, doesn't that count for anything, anymore?

I have written a new number on a tiny piece of paper to concentrate on, it is, 135/80.  I now stare at this number every time I check my BP at home, probably about twice a day.  I will achieve this the next time I'm tested... or better.  Great experiment, no?  I am now interested in manifestation, if it works on numbers, what else can it work on?

BP, and I don't mean British Petroleum

So, my blood pressure is high again.  Last time it was this high, I was working two jobs and about to head over to you, remember?  I was really worried they would say I couldn't fly.

It got taken last week and I poo pooed it and explained that jeez, it's always high when it's taken at the surgery, (isn't every ones?)  But, apparently, I now have to call in at the BP clinic sometime over the next two weeks... just to see.  Well I can tell you now, I'll fail, it will be high and if I have another day in work like today, they may lock me in the surgery and throw away the key. 

Tuesday and the drive to work was horrendous, the rain was so torrential, I couldn't see the lines in the road, thankfully, there isn't much traffic at my time in the morning.  Tuesday was pretty full on in work too and only marginally less stressful than Monday.  I'm calm and serene for the most part, we're talking weeks... months on end, and then something tips me over the edge and I snap, blow up like a volcano... you know the story.  Well, I well and truly snapped yesterday and my chest was still tight this morning, by noon, I had chest pains but I'm hoping that was wind.  I know, I shouldn't make a joke, it could be something serious, but I just think it's work being full on at the moment and frustrating as hell.

So, guess where I am tomorrow night, Wednesday night?  I'm meeting our girls for something to eat and a huge, 9 month catch up.  I know, in almost 20 years, this is the longest we've gone without dinner, a laugh and a catch up.  I also know that you'd love to be here or at the very least, a fly on the wall ;)  I wish you were here too.  I will tell all... very soon.  Love you x