Decision Day

The morning of the 24th loomed like a giant storm cloud.  For five months, we'd waited for the decision over our future at work, would the building close and the work be moved elsewhere?  Would we still have a job?  I've worried for months but the last few weeks have been pretty bad, well, I can only speak for myself but the last few weeks, for me, the worry has intensified.  For months, I've listened to harbingers of doom within the office, every morning, for up to an hour each morning, gloom and negativity spewed from their mouths, worst case scenario ruled and I didn't realise until this minute, not only how draining it was, but how much effort it took to deflect and neutralise all of that negative air pollution.  While I was trying to stay positive and hopeful to the day of decison, they slowly sucking the hope out of me.

My work buddy and I sneaked in to the announcement meeting and deliberately sat at the back of the room, like two naughty children, within a few paces of the exit in case we needed a quick...  The meeting began five minutes early, everyone was congregated and seated by 10.55 and a hush had fallen over the room and so the bearer of news decided to begin early.  In less than ten minutes, he began to get heckled, any information he wanted to disseminate would be interrupted and diluted and so my buddy made a break for the exit and I followed, it was clear that from then on, the man would not be allowed to deliver the information without constant interruption.

The news was not good, the office was being closed and sold.  I was ambivalent in a way, so the news is bad... it's kind of what we all exptected, what next?  I just wanted to hear the following information, however the man was being constantly interrupted.

My bud and I returned to his desk and we read through the information, uninterrupted, that had been delivered as we left for the meeting, via email.

So far, I have a couple of options to mull over, neither are attractive, I just need to opt for the most attractive of the two, and hope that my decision making does not suck as much as it did when I choose to leave a safe job, for this one.

Weighted Down

I wrote this mid week.  I feel like I'm about to fold under the weight of everything that has been building for the past 6 months.  Imagine a Disney scene, Cinders is perched on a tiny stool while she hastily tries to sew together an over stuffed duvet, the seams are gaping with stuffing trying to escape and only being tempered by inadequate and straining thread.

Last August, I applied for a job, to make my life better, easier, or both.  I got it, transferred and within 6 weeks of me starting, the rug was pulled.  The seed was planted that within a matter of months, I may have not have a job.  That was November 13th and the uncertainty has nested within me, since then.

I've been on new and, "last resort" medication for my skin since March 8th.  It's an extremely mild chemotherapy.  I absolutely must not get pregnant.  I can't be in direct sunlight.  My skin is dry to the point that my hands, fingers, are beginning to crack and bleed, I've developed eczema, my face looks swollen like I've caught too much sun and there isn't enough lip balm in the world to stop this sensation of tightness, lips are pink, puckered and uncomfortable.  My hair is falling out, I have pain in my legs even when I'm in bed. 

I'm without my Mum for almost ten years.

I have permanent hormonal cramps and pains, (nothing to do with the skin meds.)

I realise all of the above is nothing compared to what some people have to live and deal with on a daily basis, (even members of my family,) and I have felt worse than this, ten years ago, even eight years ago.  Add the usual money worries and lack of hope of anything getting any better, ever, and I'm starting to feel down.  Another of the side effects of the skin meds is depression and suicidal thoughts. 

I am strongly aware that the reason I feel so low at the moment, may be due to the skin meds.  Other meds I'm taking to regulate... stuff, also causes mood swings and depression,  however, despite the double whammy of added potential, I'm also aware that I was on the brink of this already, without the meds.  It just feels like too much.

In two weeks time, I will know the answer to at least one uncertainty.  If I can deal with the pressure for at least two more weeks, I think I'll find some hope.  A plan.  I love a good plan.

They say that God only gives you what you can cope with.  Do you believe in God?  I do.  He should know that I'm pretty much at my limit just now.

Job News

So, some good news this week, one of the two ways I could have been made redundant,  has been dissolved, or at the very least, shelved for 12 months.  Long story short but the department needed to make cuts and offered voluntary redundancy and enforced the selection process which meant you had to apply for your grade.  If you didn't make the grade, you would be made redundant, no ifs or buts.  However, turns out that despite that official line of wanting, "the right people for the department," now that so many people opted to jump ship on the voluntary exit scheme, they now don't have enough people to run the department and are having to fill the gaps with temps.  And so... they've got rid of the selection process for this year at least.  We are still facing the threat of the building closure and the relocation of jobs, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it and we'll know before the end of April.  It's been a long five months waiting for that decision to be made, well, I think it was made five months ago, but it's been a long five months waiting for the decision to be announced.

So now that I'm no longer required in the office on the 8th and 9th of April, (that was when the selection process was being launched,) I can now take the leave that I'd booked well in advance and I can take off four whole days, as planned.  It's much needed, I feel exhausted.

It's still freezing cold here and although the last of the snow finally melted this week, I'm still wearing four layers of clothing to work each day.  As I peer out of my kitchen window, I'm at last seeing cold looking green grass rather than the white stuff.

Tired of being cold in work despite layer upon layer of clothing.  Hormones and blood pressure still raging and so tired.

Sweat Shop

Last Sunday was horrible in work, for a reason unknown to me, we do not have air con on a Sunday, I believe it's fair to call the office a sweat shop on the Sabbath.  Add to that, I was rushed off my feet trying to do two peoples jobs, so it was hot and uncomfortable and I felt quite sickly towards the end, but as I was so busy, at least the day passed reasonably quickly.

I forget if it was Monday or Tuesday when my alarm went off and I really did not know what day it was.  Not having a day off is like some form of sensory deprivation and you lose all sense of time.

I'm covering for the manager again this week and each day has passed by as if it were about 3 hours max.  I'm leaving work each day, later than planned, after being super busy all day, and with a headache.  Only have to do this until Friday, then I'm back to the day job, thank heavens, looking back, can't believe I did that job for over two years, I must have been insane.

I haven't been for a run for weeks now and oh, gosh, I really miss it, so does my body, especially my back.  Each morning, I notice that I'm getting stiffer as I haul myself out of bed.  When you think about it, I spend almost an hour driving to work, I then spend a minimum of 9 hours at my desk, an hour to drive home, I maybe food shop on the way home, shower, cook while I'm standing up, all of which would probably takes an hour max, then I sit for a couple of hours before bed... and then I spend around 7 hours in bed before my alarm goes off and I start all over.  My body is not moving people, and boy can I feel it. 

I'm doing a bit of toning each night, no more than five minutes, either legs or arms.  Last night I did a new one, standing up, arms straight up over head then lowered hands backwards to shoulder blades while holding a water bottle in each hand as weights.  Well, I overdid it, or my form was terrible, because this morning, I have an ache in my back, a bit lower than my where my left shoulder blade ends, and it hurts to breathe.  Do not try that at home.

Thursday will be day nineteen in work without a break, I'm shattered but powering through, only five days to go and then I have a few days off. 

Thursday, as it turned out, was horrendous.  I think I'm tired and the managerial plate spinning was beginning to get to me.  I realised late Thursday that there was a major problem with the next batch of work, it wasn't my fault, nor was there anything I could have done to avoid it, but I felt like had I noticed it earlier, I could have gone into fire fighting mode sooner, so it really rattled me, felt like I'd dropped the ball.  Just before all of this happened, I was asked to "volunteer" for a new role, a somewhat, shall we say, stressful role?  At this point though, after the past 2 weeks, I'm not only thinking that I need a change but that I can tackle pretty much anything.  I got home totally exhausted, drained and looking like a ghost.  Tell you what though.... maximum score for Maybelline liner express, it was the only thing that stayed the course on a very emotional day.  Even when I was calm my eyes continued to leak, Maybelline would not be beaten.

Friday was a new day.  I was still drained from the day before but it was a lot calmer and a lot quieter, and I even managed to get work prepared for Saturday.  The pressure is mounting, my last day in work will be Monday and I must clear time sensitive work prior to me finishing.  I was hoping for a calm, wind down, tie up loose ends kind of a day on Monday, but no.  I have to finish my work which I haven't touched for the last two weeks while I've been manager, I need to hand back over to the manger and I need to have a training day ready for my new responsibilities from September.

It's now Saturday.  Work passed really quickly today and I'm feeling less stressed about getting everything done that I need to, before I finish on Monday.

I've lost 7lbs in two weeks, think it's a combination of tiredness and the last two weeks in work.  I have no doubt that in the 4 days I have off, I'll regain most of it.

I didn't see anywhere near as much of the Olympics as I had hoped but I did catch sight of some very funny moments.  Who said the BBC was a stuffy, old institution?  Check out some BBC presenters getting a tad over excited... and rightly so, by the way, I think you'll be able to spot the Brits.

Even Yank, the great Michael Johnson, (just in front of Denise Lewis) can't contain himself.