Rebellion

My body has rebelled this week.  In no uncertain terms, it has thrown the wobbler of a two year old.  I have had two nights of the most horrendous night sweats, whilst being freezing cold and clutching on to a hot water bottle, like a woman clinging on to driftwood in the rapids.  Sore throat, glands up, earache.  When I do manage to sleep, the pain in my left hip and knee wake me and I won't even describe the back.  I feel one hundred and one years of age, and not in a good way.

Next week, I finish the meds I've been taking for my skin.  It's an extremely mild chemo, which can cause joint pain amongst other side effects and while my skin is the best it's ever been and I can't believe six months is up already, I'm wondering if my body is saying; "enough now."

Still, that doesn't explain the night sweats and the sore throat, so I think I have a combination of things going on, including for the first time in my life... hay fever. 

I have gone easy on the exercise this week, just a little gentle toning but even that sends my hip screaming.  I'm eating pretty well but for the weekend, I have stocked up on uber healthy ingredients to try to give myself a boost.  After my usual coffee here, in my usual haunt, I'll be heading for the health food shop on the corner to peruse the supplements.

I should have been seeing a friend tonight, but I've cancelled, or rather postponed until I feel better.  Hopefully won't be postponed for long.

Anyway, I have just rocked up to the counter to get a free refill of filter and the lady and her son in front of me are over from NZ.  So I of course start chatting to her and ask her where she's from.  Turns out she emigrated over to the South Island, from here, around the same time you headed for North.  While you have remained as if you'd never stepped on the plane, (accent wise,) this lady has a nice, hybrid, twang.  I explain that I initially thought she was a Kiwi, how you and hubby have remained accent unchanged, however the kids have adopted a new twang and how I struggled in particular with our gorgeous girl and how I needed an interpreter for a good two years but how it's all good now, and I can understand our conversations... unaided.

Today is supposed to be a scorcher, well, a scorcher by our standards anyway, 26 degrees and so, I'm heading home to do as much housework as the body/heat, will allow.  Later I'll watch a DVD then dose myself up and aim for a good nights sleep.

Weighted Down

I wrote this mid week.  I feel like I'm about to fold under the weight of everything that has been building for the past 6 months.  Imagine a Disney scene, Cinders is perched on a tiny stool while she hastily tries to sew together an over stuffed duvet, the seams are gaping with stuffing trying to escape and only being tempered by inadequate and straining thread.

Last August, I applied for a job, to make my life better, easier, or both.  I got it, transferred and within 6 weeks of me starting, the rug was pulled.  The seed was planted that within a matter of months, I may have not have a job.  That was November 13th and the uncertainty has nested within me, since then.

I've been on new and, "last resort" medication for my skin since March 8th.  It's an extremely mild chemotherapy.  I absolutely must not get pregnant.  I can't be in direct sunlight.  My skin is dry to the point that my hands, fingers, are beginning to crack and bleed, I've developed eczema, my face looks swollen like I've caught too much sun and there isn't enough lip balm in the world to stop this sensation of tightness, lips are pink, puckered and uncomfortable.  My hair is falling out, I have pain in my legs even when I'm in bed. 

I'm without my Mum for almost ten years.

I have permanent hormonal cramps and pains, (nothing to do with the skin meds.)

I realise all of the above is nothing compared to what some people have to live and deal with on a daily basis, (even members of my family,) and I have felt worse than this, ten years ago, even eight years ago.  Add the usual money worries and lack of hope of anything getting any better, ever, and I'm starting to feel down.  Another of the side effects of the skin meds is depression and suicidal thoughts. 

I am strongly aware that the reason I feel so low at the moment, may be due to the skin meds.  Other meds I'm taking to regulate... stuff, also causes mood swings and depression,  however, despite the double whammy of added potential, I'm also aware that I was on the brink of this already, without the meds.  It just feels like too much.

In two weeks time, I will know the answer to at least one uncertainty.  If I can deal with the pressure for at least two more weeks, I think I'll find some hope.  A plan.  I love a good plan.

They say that God only gives you what you can cope with.  Do you believe in God?  I do.  He should know that I'm pretty much at my limit just now.