The Reunion, The End

I turn to the man and my face must have been a picture.  He stood there stoically and I did all of the work, let out a gasp and then flung my arms around his neck.  I was genuinely happy to see him.

"Do you know who I am?" He quizzed me.  "Of course I do!"  I had a crush on this "boy" for the majority of our time together.  He leaned in and told me this sweet story, or at least I imagine it was a sweet story, something about pens, and how it had meant a lot to him, couldn't quite hear over the noise of the music.  I explained to him that I had a huge crush on him for the duration and then went on to ask about his kids and his wife.  It was lovely.

The night continued and more of my friends from the school days arrived.  We sat outside where it was a little cooler.  One of my crowd advised that she had left the town as soon as she could.  One reminisced about her 18th birthday party.  "Remember my 18th when..."  "No".  "Yes you do.......".  "Was I there?"  I'm still not convinced that I was actually there.

After a few rounds of; "are you married?" "So, no kids?"  (But not as many rounds as expected.)  I found myself catching up with, actually, one of the school bullies.  She never bullied me and I actually remember her apologising for swearing in front of me, I do remember her explaining to the group of us that she didn't know why, but that she did have to apologise if she swore in front of me.  I escaped for some reason but I do remember vividly that she bullied my friends.

Still, this person is also +20 years older and full of life experience and life has been tough.  In this person, I find an unexpected, kindred spirit.  This person quietly asks, "are you married?"  "No, I'm not."  "Me neither, I didn't want just anyone and the right person just never came along."  Could I have explained it any better than that?

I left the night early although it wasn't far off midnight, the party was still going on but not being used to nights out and socialising, I was content with the hours that I had clocked up, and my bed was calling me.

It took me about 40 minutes to leave by the time I had said goodbye to most people and of course, those that I was good friends with at school, the goodbyes more time.

One of my goodbyes with a good friend was extra long.  It was light and hearty and lovely and then, as she hugged me goodbye, she told me that she'd never forgotten how good I was to her at school.  I instantly knew what she was talking about, but I had forgotten all about it for, how ever many years.  This was the first time in my life that I felt like there was a reason for me to be here, on earth.  If I made a difference to one person, for a moment in her life, then it was worth being here for. 

The Reunion, Part Deux

I, and the women I'd found myself with at the bar, made our way to a table.  Thankfully, the others obviously had kept in touch so the chat was free-flowing and easy and I only had to interject once in a while.

The pub was like an inferno, I know it was August but it was seriously, furiously hot with no air con and no windows that opened.  I did offer to put a chair through one of the windows but opted to get one of the women a pint glass of iced water instead so that she could cool from the inside, out.

People started to arrive and we had a huge vantage point from where we sat.  "Is he one of ours?"  I had no clue.  Adult men continued to arrive, and I didn't recognise any of them.  Women started to arrive; "Who's that?"  Even with names, I struggled.  I know my memory is bad but it's clearly worse than I thought.

A man arrives and approaches our table.  "Is he one of ours?"  Turns out, he's the DJ.  Us "ladies", have to move as this is where he wants to set up.  We move to another table and make ourselves comfortable, it's hotter down here off the balcony, the other women grab beer mats and menus and begin to fan themselves.  I resit but boy is it hot and I can feel the sweat begin to tickle my top lip and trickle down my cleavage.  My new friends continue to waft themselves and even waft me at times, we must have looked like a group meeting of the menopausily challenged.

It wasn't the menopause that challenged me but my memory, and I wasn't the only one apparently.  "I know you but can't remember your name."  I give him my name.  "Do you know me?"  There is no polite way to say, "not a clue", so instead I opt for the diplomatic, "you look familiar but I can't quite..." He fills in the blanks for me but still... not a clue.

It was the most fun I've had for ages.  Even though I really didn't know most people, those that I spoke to, we had a connection, and they seemed like nice people, there was a comfortable familiarity that is difficult to describe.  There was a lot of laughter and a little dancing.

I headed to the bar to get a large glass of iced water for me, (I'm driving,) and a drink for one of my friends who is having a night out, away from real, serious life left that she has left at home for the night.

As the waitress brings me my iced water and the drink I've ordered for a lovely lady, a man arrives and stands next to me, facing me, very close to me.

The Reunion Part One

I left school, high school, many moons ago and I haven't seen most of my fellow pupils for over twenty-five years.  So, when I was recently invited to an unofficial reunion, I pondered.  Number one reason not to go, as you well know, is that I'm socially awkward.  If ever there was someone born to live in solitude and write all day long... it was me.  Secondly, we all have different lives now and we may be different people than we were so long ago. 

On the plus side, the curiosity is killing me, if I hate it after an hour, I can leave and if I go this time and hate it, I know not to even consider the next one.

I canvassed opinion.  My friend Soose advised that she attended one a few years ago, slightly different as she went with friends and not alone, you think there will be a lot of one-upmanship, but there isn't.  My friend Tracy advises to go for it, you'll be nervous until you get there, then you'll be fine.  If it's not great, you can make your excuses and leave.

After a month long, open invitation, it was on the morning of the event that I decided I should go, the event was being held at a local pub, the old stomping ground actually and the place of my first underage drink.

So, one nervous stomach for the whole of the day and I was running five minutes late, but finally, ready to face my past, face my school daze.  It felt like the dawning of a new term and I remembered how much I loathed the dawning of a new term. 

I didn't try too hard with the outfit and the look.  Make-up was my usual day slap and I chose a bright red loose top, (thought the red would give me confidence,) Gap cropped khaki's and  a mid heel peep toe that I've had for years.  Not sexy, not overly smart, mostly smart/cashz, can't go wrong with a bit of SC if you're not sure, plus I felt like I looked okay.

I arrived at the venue and powered on in, didn't hesitate once I got there, thought it best not to.  So in I walked alone, straight up to the bar and stood beside three or four other women.  The woman to my left turned; "Hi J, what are you drinking?"  Could I have had a smoother entrance?

Are there Any Single Men Left on Earth?

I keep dreaming about unavailable men.  What is going on?  All dreams are totally "U" rated I should add but still, got to admit that it is odd, is it not?

Friday night, I dreamt that a bloke I like, who is well and truly taken, returned from holiday to announce that he was no longer attached.  (I suspect a little wishful thinking in this instance.)  Another friend was in Saturday's dream, again, he is not even remotely single, and I don't even fancy this one, yet there he was... in my dream.

So what would a psychiatrist say?  I would run a mile if a bloke was actually single and interested?  Possibly.  I don't know for sure but sometimes, a girl needs some testosterone around, even if it's only in her dreams.  What can I say?

Before you suggest Internet dating as an antidote, I know lots of people hook up from online encounters, I know that there are wonderful people out there, someone close to me met their current and lovely other half, online.  But, for me, you and I both know that I would only attract the weirdos and the axe murderers.  You know that I'm right x

Scars

This evening, I watched an episode of "Sex and the City".  My imaginary friend... Carrie, is dating a guy with a Tweetie Pie, tattooed on his arm.  While they are sharing defining, identifiable marks, Carrie in turn, shares a scar on her knee.  It got me looking for my huge scar on my knee, that I created in childhood. 

Last time I looked, said scar was there, I looked to my right and then my left.  I can't remember when I stopped looking, but my scar is from when I was around, I don't actually know, little-ish.  Scar was created when, I ran to tell next-sister-up J, that dinner was ready, and I fell in the gravel. I was around 5-ish maybe?  Blood and bandages ensued, I remember being carried in, by Billy I think, (next door but one neighbour who had been chatting to J,) and being plonked on the dining room table to be attended to, but I was never taken to get stitches and so I had a huge scar on... my left knee. 

The scar has faded so much, I had to search for it.  Initially, I didn't even know which knee it was on. It made me think.  Something that was so painful and so uncomfortable, so prominent and obvious, can fade to nothing in time?  So much so, that you have to go looking for it.

A scar and a memory that I thought was once so indelible, had become, invisible to the naked eye.  It was a truly liberating moment.  I suddenly realised that, that which had scarred me in childhood, simply had no place in my life now, and I'm not talking about my knee.  That which I thought was going to scar me for life, has faded so much over time.  The scar on my knee represented other childhood scarring, and I realised that it too, had faded away, it's power, totally depleted.

Today, I feel strong.  Today I feel like a Goddess.  Right now, I think I could rule the World.

Sod's Law

Full week in work and for the first time since I got there in October, I was able to work overtime on Saturday.  It wasn't terrible, I was busy and the day passed pretty quickly and I was very productive, amazing what you can achieve when you're not being interrupted constantly. 

Early Saturday morning, I receive a text and "it" is thrown out there, it hangs in the air like sulphur.  Do I want to catch up later?  Hmm, do I?  I don't feel 100%, I won't have time to get all of the housework done and to get me, "date" ready. 

I get home at 2.45pm and set about throwing myself in the shower, ironing, tidying, cleaning.  I still have loads to do by 5pm when someone rings me.  Someone, who never rings me, chooses to ring me when for once, I have plans, and I'm pushed for time.  I'm still on the phone, when there is a knock at the door.  Are you kidding me?  "Surprise!"  It's my darling nephew.  I am of course delighted to see him, we haven't seen each other for about 4 weeks.  He is invited in and offered a cuppa, as long as he doesn't mind me continuing with the tidying around him, while he brings me up to date  with his travels and his new girlfriend.

By 7pm, I'm as ready as I'm going to be and I finally sit down with a small glass of wine while I wait for my date.  As soon as I take a sip, I realise I need to eat something.  So far, today I have eaten two Kit Kat's and a cracker.  What do I have in?  Nothing.

Summer Highs

You will be well aware that we are not accustomed to such sunny and hot weather, and we clearly, do not know how to dress for such, but even I have been shocked by the amount of under bum on display recently.  You know what I'm talking about.  Girls, even women, wearing too small shorts and allowing their under bums to escape captivity and make a break for it.  It's not a good look ladies.  If you must display it, do so only to your nearest and dearest, do not take it to the supermarket.