If you are a Grey's fan, do not read on

I love Grey's, I worship at the house of Shonda.  I have invested the last ten years of my life in Grey's, and they have been a significant ten, personally, professionally, Grey's has been there, especially when I needed a good cry.

I have been inspired by the creativity, the bravery, the writing, the acting and the story lines.  It gave me hope, when there wasn't any and I secretly wished, that one day, I may be a, 'married on a post-it' bride.  So romantic, so ideal.

Grey's is clever, witty, excruciatingly real, and it has always told the story of love, whether enduring or fleeting.  Lexie and Mark, Cristina and Owen, Cristina and Meredith, Callie and Arizona, but above all, Meredith and Derek.  Screwed up, headed for Alzheimer's, arrogant, brilliant, strong, flawed and loving... it's Meredith's story.

I read that PD had wanted to leave for a while, and if you want to leave, really leave, then as an actor, surely you would want to go out with a bang?  So I'm glad he did and that nod, to that famous Grey's 'signature scene' was, heartbreaking.

Meredith and Derek had the rocky relationship I always hoped for, faltering, bump ridden, but true and brutally honest.

Christina was my almost favourite character, and I miss her dead pan... everything.

George, Lexie, Mark, left huge, gaping holes, and I know that Grey's went on, but still, this is Meredith and Derek... without Derek.   At the moment, I don't see how it can be as good, but I have faith, faith in Shonda and in Ellen, who will be acting her ass off, if she wasn't already.

End of an era but nothing lasts forever.  I'm in it for the long haul, but thank God for Box Sets.

You're Not Straight

You're not straight.  I'm not?  I could see it as soon as you laid down, your left side is almost normal, for you, the right side is really tight.

My physio is kneading my mid back with what seems like an enormous amount of effort and I can feel myself sinking into the bed.  It's like I'm being pushed into concrete.

I'd already explained that I had been doing extra long days, working through lunch and not sleeping great.  Seems like my back is finally saying, "enough."  I've also been warned off from crossing my legs at my desk, something I know.  I remember my Mum telling me so, so many years ago, that crossing my legs would give me varicose veins.  Well I don't have the vein's yet, but according to Vicki, according to my back... crossing my legs still carries consequences.

I tell Vicki that after finding Ashley Borden on Youtube, I'd checked her out, (amazing body, strong but womanly,) and listened to her advice; "dumbbells... that challenge," and after finding some 3kgs  on sale, I'd gone for it.  They are challenging and I can only do a few reps but I feel like Super Woman and my arms already look better.  I'm thinking of that song, arms connected to the, back bone etc.  Got to help right?

I've resisted weights for years but I'm starting to embrace them, it's all in the head, but I love how they make me feel, I feel strong. Even x1 set of 5 reps, I feel invincible.  You have to take it, wherever you can get it.

Goddess in Love

Who burns frozen veg?  The answer you're looking for, is... me, I do.  However that was two weeks ago and today, I'm Nigella Lawson, on steroids.  I am more than a  domestic Goddess.  Yesterday, I made a kind of pastry-less quiche, which is amazing (just eggs, spring onions, baby plum tomatoes and a little feta, oh and a teensy bit of extra virgin olive oil to stop it sticking.)  Today I'm having to-die-for stir-fry, I have steam mopped the front hall, cleaned windows, mirrors, ironed and sorted out my 'summer draw', that draw whose contents only see the light of day, once a year, if that.

Change of subject, and recently, (last week,) I fell in love with a top.  I know it's ridiculous but I was wandering around Topshop, trying to waste time, when I spied a woman, carrying this gorgeous top in her arms.  I should have just asked her which rack it was located on, but I thought I would put her off the gorgeous top, by asking.  So I trawled around and eventually found said top.  God it's beautiful, and so me. 

However, it's before payday and I cannot, do not have the ability to splurge before payday.  But it is so, so gorgeous. 

I shop with Jan on my day off, which happens to be payday, try on my nearest size, it looks more fabulous than I imagined.  'Get it!" Jan insists, however, it's too big and they don't have my size.  The shop assistant who phoned through to double check stock tells me that they do not have my size, but it really suited me.  Damn it, I'm in love.

So I search the Internet and every store in the Northern hemisphere, but it is out of stock/not available.  Because it's so unobtainable, I want it more.  It really is SO me Col.  I even did that thing, you know how I divide the cost by the number of wears to justify it?  If it cost £40.00 and I wore it four times, therefore it only cost £10.00 per wear, which is a bargain in anyones' book. 

I'm so used to buying things on sale, £36.00 for a top is probably going to give me a heart attack, but I do love it, so much, I think that for once, I may have to throw caution to the wind.

Biggest Loser - Challenge America

Oh boy, Oh boy... Biggest Loser.  I've watched it for years and just when I thought I may have reached the point when I would dip in and out of the latest season, (latest over here anyway,) they only bring back, the amazing... Jillian Michaels. 

This year, the team is additionally challenging childhood obesity.  I swear, if I had my time over again, I would be helping kids to be healthy, I'd be educating about nutrition and I'd hopefully be changing lives.  Maybe next time around.

Tsunami

I'm experiencing  a mini quake, a tremor, a, well... you can decide.  Incoming, major back surgery, incoming bcc, incoming determined shadow on chest x-rays., PET scan, lung biopsy, chemo.  None of these are mine you understand, but belong to those that I love.  You know what it's like Col, it gets you thinking doesn't it?

So, (I know, you don't begin a sentence with 'so', but I'm just talking to you... so...)  All of these people, mean so much to me and  I can't imagine my life, without any of them in it.  I don't want to imagine the alternative.  Most of all, I don't want any of them to go through what they have to go through.

It's a lot to cope with at one time, and I'm holding it together but I have a feeling that the, raggedy seams may not be held together for much longer.  Not without a little bursting anyway.

To compound the situation, my cousin Lyn, my one constant, is currently on a much deserved holiday, on a glorious Greek Island.  I miss her too.

This week, I have watched 'Up In the Air' and 'The Curious Case of Benjamin Button'.  Both films made me think.  'Up in the Air', I found sad, can't tell you why in case you haven't seen it yet, but I totally related.  'Benjamin', was sad too, but there was a line in there somewhere, along the lines of, 'it's never too late, or too early, to start over.'  That really got me thinking.

I believe in God, I believe in visiting this earth for as many times as it takes for you to truly learn life's lessons, maybe to even get it right, although I can't imagine that ever happening.

I read an astrology report, many years ago which said that this was one of my last visits, and for some reason, I believe that could be true.  I do believe I have been here before and yes, this could be my last visit.  Not that I remember any details, but from a young age, I always had that de-ja-vu feeling...  I understand that I probably lost you at astrology report. 

I always have this feeling that time is running out, maybe it is.

So Tired

Tonight, I have had the most amazing dinner.  Green, Red, Yellow peppers, lots of extra virgin olive oil, spring onions, Spanish onion, tamari sauce, fine egg noodles and lots and lots of finely grated fresh ginger.  Even grating my own knuckle and the ensuing, incessant bleeding could not spoil my delicious meal.

The last two weeks have been pretty bad in work.  Major system failure, ensuing rigorous testing, fourteen hour days for the last ten.  I've been trying my best to cope with the stress, the hours, not sleeping and the not eating actual meals, but you know me Col.  I managed to retain my cool until Wednesday, (T-9 days) when I realised I was being a little clippy, that's got to be a record for this Leo don't you think?

Tonight, even the incessant bleeding of the knuckle can't spoil these hours.  My body aches in places I have long forgotten about, I am tired beyond description.  I know that I used to be able to function for longer, on less, and that Super Hero's like doctor's, somehow manage to assail ridiculous hours, but my body, my brain, my heart (judging by my Blood Pressure monitor,) have all  been stretched for the past couple of weeks. 

It's Saturday today.  About two weeks after the work catastrophe.  Left to right, that area straddling my should blades is crying out.  I think it's because I've been pretty much glued in desk position for the past two weeks.  If I die today, they will have to construct a coffin to incorporate the seated at a desk position.

I'm on a water meter and I understand that water is not only costly but precious.  Still, I had such an ache this weekend, I decided that, for probably the first time in around eight years, I would indulge in a bath.

God it was amazing.  I used Epsom salts and lavender oil. I took with me, my iPod and sang my heart out giving my best Julia Roberts's, Pretty Woman impersonation.  It was so relaxing and my skin was so soft afterwards, my heart... so relived.

This Week

What's new pussy cat?  I'll go first.  Hate work slightly less this week, not great, still annoying, still sucks the living daylights out of me.  The weather has been awful, wind you can hardly walk against, icy, heavy rain every time you set foot outdoors, it's draining.

Hair cut went down really well, one of my sister's didn't even notice I'd had a haircut but then colleagues went out of their way to stop and tell me how great it looked and how much it suits me.  I'm mostly thrilled and partly sad that I couldn't rock the unkempt, beachy look.  Maybe I'll do six months on, six months off, just to shock people.

I'm still feeling a little blah, it's Easter and a long weekend, I should be happy and relaxed and carefree, but I'm not.  I really want to curl up, out of the wind, the cold and the rain and I really would like to just hibernate, I have even turned down a date.  I know what you'll say, you only live once, you only regret the things you didn't do or that you should have done, yada yada.  And I've learned to grasp these opportunities but I'm just too curled up in a ball to say "Yes"at the moment.

I finally had a bash at an Ashely Borden, Intermediate Workout, Perfect Form.  It was challenging but do-able, and I had a constructive and encouraging word, every step of the way from Ms Borden, I really like her and I hate to say it but she's motivated me enough to throw in a few moves from now on.

Started watching 'Sensitive Skin'. I love Kim Catrall, have done since SATC, saw her in Antony and Cleopatra, and lets face it, she's local, so what's not to love?  I've only seen one episode so far but really enjoyed it, Kim and the cast are all amazing, (so great to see Joanna Gleason, must be good if she plays a part too.)   It's familiar, thought provoking, really funny in places, beautifully shot, beautifully lit.  I loved it, can't wait for the next ep.