I'm feeling pretty sad at the moment. Nothing in particular and yet for a thousand different reasons. I have question after question circling in my head like an angry, loud vortex. I'm desperately trying to see the glass half full, and I know that I'm lucky, with my health, a job and a roof over my head. So what's going on?
Physically, I'm tired. I work out, I eat well most of the time, I aim for enough sleep... just. So why am I aching, tired and so low on energy? This is all hypothetical by the way, I'm not expecting an email full of answers.
Had physio yesterday, atmosphere seemed different for some reason. My neck was very stiff but on the plus side, my mid back, which is always like concrete, is miraculously, moderately mobile. Maybe it's not 'normal' but much better than usual for me. I put it down to jogging on my new rebounder and told my amazing physio all about it. We're going to try to leave it as long as possible but I do think I'll need another session at some point.
Today's highlight was Everly cuddles. Yep, my baby great niece just makes everything better. Don't see that much of her but I always greet her with, 'Hi, you know me, you like me', and she is always fine and even stretches out her tiny, chubby arms for me to take hold of her, maybe it's chance, maybe it's genetic, or maybe she likes me?
It's now three days later and I feel a little better, Everly definitely took the edge off. Nothing has changed but I have, I suppose re-acclimatised to... life. Life as I know it anyway. It's a life governed by the clock, by time, it's not particularly satisfying, work doesn't do that for me, but it does pay the bills. I'm still searching for that sense of happiness, whatever that means.
Sunday, 11 September 2016
Friday, 9 September 2016
Two Whole Weeks
Hi Hon,
Well, I've just been off work for two whole weeks, the first time off for five months and boy, was I ready for it.
I have continued to de-clutter and re-organise, I emptied the garage with the assistance of Jan, on probably the hottest day of my two weeks off, (my car read 38 degrees when I went to move it after the de-clutter.) I went on to paint the living room, ceiling is white, (used the paint that goes on pink and dries white so that you can see where you're painting.) walls are the palest stone you can imagine. Beautifully calm and just what I wanted.
I have ached more than I knew that I could while I've painted, shoulder has practically seized up, but it's the moving of heavy furniture on your own which is the toughie, combined with climbing tables, ladders and steps to complete the task.
Bee came over one day to 'help' and I assigned her to the patio, it looks amazing and she did a brilliant job, it was so overgrown before.
So my haven of calm just needs new carpet and curtains, hopefully before Christmas then I'm set for a couple of years I reckon.
I'm quite proud of my effort with everything, especially the organising and de-cluttering. God knows I've been trying for years, but I think I'm finally becoming the organised person I've always dreamt of being ;)
Well, I've just been off work for two whole weeks, the first time off for five months and boy, was I ready for it.
I have continued to de-clutter and re-organise, I emptied the garage with the assistance of Jan, on probably the hottest day of my two weeks off, (my car read 38 degrees when I went to move it after the de-clutter.) I went on to paint the living room, ceiling is white, (used the paint that goes on pink and dries white so that you can see where you're painting.) walls are the palest stone you can imagine. Beautifully calm and just what I wanted.
I have ached more than I knew that I could while I've painted, shoulder has practically seized up, but it's the moving of heavy furniture on your own which is the toughie, combined with climbing tables, ladders and steps to complete the task.
Bee came over one day to 'help' and I assigned her to the patio, it looks amazing and she did a brilliant job, it was so overgrown before.
So my haven of calm just needs new carpet and curtains, hopefully before Christmas then I'm set for a couple of years I reckon.
I'm quite proud of my effort with everything, especially the organising and de-cluttering. God knows I've been trying for years, but I think I'm finally becoming the organised person I've always dreamt of being ;)
Sunday, 4 September 2016
Bellissima
During my last visit to my amazing physio, she made it perfectly clear, that, for whatever reason, I should not make future appointments. I have increased my range of motion during the past three years of sessions. I am maintaining through exercise. I am scared stiff of dissolving back into the pain and immobility of a few short years ago. Jan tells me that maybe my physio doesn't want to take any more of my money but I'd be quite happy to hand it over for the maintenance and the peace of mind each session brings me.
Still, faced with the fact that I can't have physio anymore, I did some research. My favourite trainer in the world, the amazing Ashley Borden, recommends using a rebounder for muscle, joint and lymphatic health. Rebounding, (on a mini trampoline,) is what Astronauts use to regain bone and muscle density, apparently.
The brand Du jour is Bellicon and you know that I'm a sucker for a good sales pitch. Well, Bellicon, (German excellence,) is recommended by Ashley, who I trust, and so, I did the math, (how many physio sessions would pay for the Bellicon,) and then I ordered.
I'm six weeks in and the Bellicon, together with my Fitbit, is spurring me on to move and be active.
Instead of sitting on my pre loved sofa, (previously owned by you prior to NZ,) watching TV in the evening, I now watch the TV whilst lightly jogging on my Bellicon.
So, just 6 weeks later, I've lost 3lbs by doing nothing else other than lightly jogging when I would have been sitting. I've gained 7lbs since Christmas last year, which I desperately want to get rid of and I know, that movement is the key. I walk to and from the car for work, I go for a long walk on lunch and the rest of my 11 miles per day is clocked up on my Bellicon.
It's supposed to get rid of cellulite so I'll let you know about that one, early days yet ;)
Love you, I'll be back soon x
Still, faced with the fact that I can't have physio anymore, I did some research. My favourite trainer in the world, the amazing Ashley Borden, recommends using a rebounder for muscle, joint and lymphatic health. Rebounding, (on a mini trampoline,) is what Astronauts use to regain bone and muscle density, apparently.
The brand Du jour is Bellicon and you know that I'm a sucker for a good sales pitch. Well, Bellicon, (German excellence,) is recommended by Ashley, who I trust, and so, I did the math, (how many physio sessions would pay for the Bellicon,) and then I ordered.
I'm six weeks in and the Bellicon, together with my Fitbit, is spurring me on to move and be active.
Instead of sitting on my pre loved sofa, (previously owned by you prior to NZ,) watching TV in the evening, I now watch the TV whilst lightly jogging on my Bellicon.
So, just 6 weeks later, I've lost 3lbs by doing nothing else other than lightly jogging when I would have been sitting. I've gained 7lbs since Christmas last year, which I desperately want to get rid of and I know, that movement is the key. I walk to and from the car for work, I go for a long walk on lunch and the rest of my 11 miles per day is clocked up on my Bellicon.
It's supposed to get rid of cellulite so I'll let you know about that one, early days yet ;)
Love you, I'll be back soon x
Sunday, 24 July 2016
Catch Up x
I know what you're thinking, you're thinking where the hell is she? Well, I've been here all along but truth be told, I feel bombarded, overloaded and worried... about everything. And, as a result, I'm unable to string a sentence together or any coherent thought.
I'm going to give you a brief rundown of recent events; so I had cancer in the family, you here then cousins here, friend awaiting diagnosis and any combination of the four, at any one time. Work was... beyond boring my pants off and God how I hate to be bored, I'd rather squeeze in twelve hours work into a nine hour day than sit for seven hours, bored out of my skull.
I'm in organising and de-cluttering overdrive and this place is transformed. I always had in my head that I wanted to de-clutter as if I was getting ready to move. Not that I want to move at the moment nor do I think, given the state of, well, everything, that I would ever be able to move in my lifetime. I've had several lifetimes worth of memories to sort through, plus my own crap. I inherited my Mum's stuff, she was the youngest and last surviving sister of five sisters, plus parents. Everything was under my roof and it's been hard letting go of items but I've done it.
I've been getting up earlier because somehow, that extra five minutes seems to save me ten, so my alarm now wakes me at 4.35am. I know it's not normal, but that's where we're at currently.
I'm not watching much TV but I really love "Sensitive Skin". Huge fan of Kim Cattrall, well, how could I not be? SATC is one of my all time favourite shows, KC is a Liverpudlian and because of her, via my sister who booked the tickets, I had a night at the theatre to absorb my first Shakespeare, in which she was amazing. I love "Sensitive Skin", it's like watching a play, it's not laugh out loud funny but it is very amusing and it's very true. All of the performances are brilliant. As far as I know, it's pretty low key, pretty unsung, but it really is a masterpiece.
"Long Lost Family" with Davina and Nicky is always amazing and I cry buckets every time. That's the show were, as a last resort, adults ask the show to track down a long lost relative, be it Mother, Father or sibling. It always makes me wonder where do I come from? You know that both of my parents are long gone now, I wasn't adopted but I do have missing pieces, as I suspect do most families. It's not a worry, just makes me think.
My flimsy relationship has been through the ringer. I think it's hanging on by a thread. Everything is fine, but something happened recently which made me realise that it could crumble in a second. Something was said, I took it the only way I could, must have appeared stunned/cool for 24 hours and then I received a phone call, to talk things out, clear things up. I would never have called but that's one of the big differences between us. I would have retreated to the dark solitude of my cave to analyse and fall into the depths of sadness, he just picks up the phone and asks a question.
Work is now getting 'better', I'm busier, trying to grasp new skills, trying to learn a new process at the same time as maintaining all of the old stuff and the projects that I manage only three or four times a year. All seems to be happening at once.
Sick this week, really sick, in work. Not sure what caused it, heat, 35 degrees can you believe? Not sleeping? Something I ate? Stress of blood pressure tablets cock up? Blood pressure tablets that cause sensitivity to heat? Who knows?
I'm going to give you a brief rundown of recent events; so I had cancer in the family, you here then cousins here, friend awaiting diagnosis and any combination of the four, at any one time. Work was... beyond boring my pants off and God how I hate to be bored, I'd rather squeeze in twelve hours work into a nine hour day than sit for seven hours, bored out of my skull.
I'm in organising and de-cluttering overdrive and this place is transformed. I always had in my head that I wanted to de-clutter as if I was getting ready to move. Not that I want to move at the moment nor do I think, given the state of, well, everything, that I would ever be able to move in my lifetime. I've had several lifetimes worth of memories to sort through, plus my own crap. I inherited my Mum's stuff, she was the youngest and last surviving sister of five sisters, plus parents. Everything was under my roof and it's been hard letting go of items but I've done it.
I've been getting up earlier because somehow, that extra five minutes seems to save me ten, so my alarm now wakes me at 4.35am. I know it's not normal, but that's where we're at currently.
I'm not watching much TV but I really love "Sensitive Skin". Huge fan of Kim Cattrall, well, how could I not be? SATC is one of my all time favourite shows, KC is a Liverpudlian and because of her, via my sister who booked the tickets, I had a night at the theatre to absorb my first Shakespeare, in which she was amazing. I love "Sensitive Skin", it's like watching a play, it's not laugh out loud funny but it is very amusing and it's very true. All of the performances are brilliant. As far as I know, it's pretty low key, pretty unsung, but it really is a masterpiece.
"Long Lost Family" with Davina and Nicky is always amazing and I cry buckets every time. That's the show were, as a last resort, adults ask the show to track down a long lost relative, be it Mother, Father or sibling. It always makes me wonder where do I come from? You know that both of my parents are long gone now, I wasn't adopted but I do have missing pieces, as I suspect do most families. It's not a worry, just makes me think.
My flimsy relationship has been through the ringer. I think it's hanging on by a thread. Everything is fine, but something happened recently which made me realise that it could crumble in a second. Something was said, I took it the only way I could, must have appeared stunned/cool for 24 hours and then I received a phone call, to talk things out, clear things up. I would never have called but that's one of the big differences between us. I would have retreated to the dark solitude of my cave to analyse and fall into the depths of sadness, he just picks up the phone and asks a question.
Work is now getting 'better', I'm busier, trying to grasp new skills, trying to learn a new process at the same time as maintaining all of the old stuff and the projects that I manage only three or four times a year. All seems to be happening at once.
Sick this week, really sick, in work. Not sure what caused it, heat, 35 degrees can you believe? Not sleeping? Something I ate? Stress of blood pressure tablets cock up? Blood pressure tablets that cause sensitivity to heat? Who knows?
Monday, 27 June 2016
Brexit?
Well, I am one of the 48.1% of the population, who voted to remain, and like it or not, I am being dragged along, under the wheels of the leave roller coaster, with an uncertain future, an uncertain pension and my job now in question... as a result. It will probably be twenty years from now before we know how, in the long run, things panned out. For the first time in my life, I am wondering what it would be like, to live in another country.
Blood
My Dear Cousin asked me to promise that I would enjoy life, and I promised that I would, and in that one sentence, he held a huge magnifying glass over my current life.
My cousin is actually my cousin-in-law, but he has always just been my cousin to me, he's been part of this, broken family, longer than I have and he is yet another example that family is not necessarily connected by blood alone.
Even I am only tethered to my family by the thinnest of threads, this life is like a huge experiment. One day, when I'm in heaven, reviewing, I wonder what I will make of it all.
My cousin is actually my cousin-in-law, but he has always just been my cousin to me, he's been part of this, broken family, longer than I have and he is yet another example that family is not necessarily connected by blood alone.
Even I am only tethered to my family by the thinnest of threads, this life is like a huge experiment. One day, when I'm in heaven, reviewing, I wonder what I will make of it all.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)