Farewell 2018

Hello My Friend,

I'm fully aware that my writing mojo left me this past year but as we've been speaking more, I know that you understand.

To recap on a... let's say... challenging year, it's the nicest thing I can say about it; here you go....

January; new job and sister Bee in hospital with pneumonia.

February, new manager has turned into "bitch face", nastiest piece of work I've had the misfortune to encounter in twenty years.  Trying desperately to remind myself that it's her, maybe her insecurity and not me, but I'm crying nightly and can't sleep. So painfully disappointed that this new job is not turning out to be what I had hoped for... a welcoming and nurturing environment.
I go to visit my friends down south and end up crying in Wagamama's as I explain the situation.

SS, One of our own is diagnosed with breast cancer, showed up on mammogram, no pain, complete surprise.  Treatment plan commenced.

I change a light bulb for Bee which explodes in my hand and I have some tendon damage which goes on for months.

March; Sue, our other dear friend is still having chemo but only two to go.
SS has op and begins radiotherapy.

April Radiation and chemo therapy continues

May SS has all clear, tablets for 5 years, avoid the sun  but doing great.  Thank you God.

Car accident for me when someone runs into the back of me, while I am stationary, giving way at a roundabout  Collar bone problem ensues.

June -- Start with physio for shoulder/collar bone etc.  Doesn't hurt as much but not 100 and it clicks and crunches constantly as if bones are rubbing over each other, makes stomach churn.

July Sue's chemo is over and she's on tablets.

I develop a rash on the upper part of my right arm which initially looks like nothing at all until I scratch so much I tear the skin.  Later, lumps under the skin develop.  After about eight weeks, I finally see a Dr who prescribes steroid cream, rash doesn't completely go but at least I don't want to rip my arm off anymore.

Jan is hospitalised and on morphine for severe back spasms, seems to have stemmed from when lorry ran her off the road last December.  It's weeks before she is back to her normal.  It's like talking to a zombie while she's on meds, I'm sad and worried out of my mind.  Don't think she'll ever drive again which makes me sad, she'll never just turn up on my doorstep unexpected again.  Jan mobile; Hello!  Me; where are you?  Jan; on your drive

July, I'm waking in the middle of the night gasping for breath, feels like the worst asthma but I haven't had a bad asthma attack for many many years .  While mid gasp, I start to wonder if I might pass out, and if I do, will I breath unconsciously or would that be it?

Eventually get a Dr's appointment and my doctor thinks it's something called Stridor.  Uncommon but frightening when it happens.

August - another Birthday, another trip down south.  Lovely to see everyone, trip included a memorable day with the kiddos running around a maze (trying not to show the kiddos that I was a little scared whilst in the maze, my first time,)  They had a fabulous time running around and screaming at every dead end.  What a lovely day that was.

September  I attempt to arrange Christmas night out with the usual suspects.  Sue wants to see how she feels nearer the time, I tell her it's OK, easy to add on nearer the time.

October  I've had a cough for four weeks that just won't shift.
Sue in hospital with pneumonia.

November Mum's anniversary.  Baby great niece turns three already.
Sue still in hospital.
Once Sue is home, I'm visiting weekly.  Don't want to impose on the family but don't want to miss a chance to visit our friend.

December Sue very poorly.

Dr decides my cough is caused by blood pressure medication and that high blood pressure is caused by anxiety anyway.

Christmas night out, better than expected, we're all thinking of Sue and SS's Mum very ill.  None of us are really in the mood.  Sue is notably missed.

December 11th, Sue passes away.

Rash returns.

Overarching the whole year has been depression and PTSD, neither of which are mine, I'm just the.... listener.

Highlights of this year;

SS is well and good and here for me to spend time with.
I got to say goodbye and thank you to Sue at the funeral home.

Great niece Everly is an absolute tonic.  She still can't kiss me goodbye but she will give me a hug and a kiss any other time.  She talks about me to Jan when I'm not there, so even though I don't see her that often, I know that I'm in her head and her memories, thank God.

Jan and Geoff helped me fix my back garden fence and paint it, sounds ridiculous I know but I was so stressed about it and it now looks so amazing.

J and G are always there for me but this year, I've felt it more than ever, they've helped me so much this year, with the practical stuff.

A conversation in August when I was down south about theatre and wish lists resulted in tickets being booked for La Bayadere at the Royal Opera House, my first experience of the ballet.  Cannot explain how much I loved that evening.

And, of course, that day with the kids running around the maze and hearing them squeal with joy.

I moved managers... five  times, swear to God it's not me, So I end the year with manager number five.  The team keeps getting "re-structured" and I seem to be the collateral.  I was fine with the moves apart from the last one.  I was looking forward to being with number 4 for a while but before I could settle, I was on to number 5.  Hey, number 5 is brilliant and knows everything there is to know about our subject so I'm going to be sponge like and soak up all the information I can..... before I'm moved again.

The family seems to be fraying at the edges and I'm aware that we're all getting older and I wonder how many Christmas's we'll see without change.

By far the saddest part of this year has been saying goodbye to Sue, such a special lady and a dear friend.  She was all about family but I hope that she knew how much her friends loved her too, I'm not sure she did and I regret not telling her while she was still with us.  Hopefully she heard me when I went to visit her afterwards.

To say that I can not wait to welcome in this coming year is an under statement.

I understand what my GP is saying and that my bp may be anxiety driven but if you can't get a handle on it, surely it's just as bad as if I had compromised arteries?  Anyway, I have a new mindfulness CD which I'm listening to on a nightly basis and I'm hoping this helps.

Feb I'm visiting everyone down south

Within 90 days, I'll be with you, in NZ at Tom's wedding.  I was very lucky and for Christmas, Jan and Geoff bought me the dress I'd been eyeing up for Tom's wedding since last August.  It's understated and beautiful and I feel like a million... pounds in it :D

So you have one foot in next year and I have one in this.  I love you and I will be with you before you know it.

Happy New Year Chick x

Fat v 5:2

Have you heard about the 5:2 or Fast Diet?  It's intermittent fasting were you choose two days a week to eat only 500 calories during the day, (if you're a woman or 600 if you're a man,) and the rest of the time you eat normally, as in, three meals a day plus snacks or whatever your preference is.  You should also stick to the amount of calories your body actually needs and not go overboard on the non fast days, your body just doesn't need it.  There was a book out here a few years ago called "The Fast Diet" by Dr Michael Mosley and Mimi Spencer.

I bought myself and Bee a copy at the time if publication, I was interested in it from the health benefits point of view rather than the lose weight point of view, think I tried it one day and didn't bother again.

Fast (excuse the pun,) forward a few years and after my last holiday, I'd gained a few lbs with all the indulgences and meals out and I felt, well, like a stuffed sausage to be frank.

Monday to Friday I eat pretty well, in an attempt to eat the carbs, protein and fats my body needs, I did start to feel like I was force feeding myself a bit.  Not in an uncomfortable way nor did I ever feel stuffed but I was ready for something to change so that I didn't feel like I was constantly shovelling food into my mouth.

So I decided to give it a go, I read the book cover to cover, all of the science made sense, there didn't seem to be any negatives to contend with by following the instructions, so I began.

I didn't take lots of measurements as the book advises, I just needed to lose a few lbs and feel like me again.

I hoped the diet would work for me.  I wasn't expecting the diet to work on me quite how it did.  I've always considered myself to be "skinny" fat.  To the world, in clothing, I look slim, I get to see the muffin top, pouchy tum, hanging flesh from the top of my thighs when I'm exercising that no one else gets to see.

All previous diets that's I've attempted, if they work, then I see obvious changes, from the outside, maybe my face, maybe my bum usually chest.

This one is different.  My face looks the same, the number on the scale is coming down, but my tum is shrinking, my saddle bags are dissolving, my inner thighs deflating.

Usually diet's target in this order for me; face, chest, anything else you don't want to lose fat from.  The last to be targeted would be actually the first on my list, be it; thighs, bum or thighs, or bum ;)

You know how you always read that you can't spot reduce?  I believe that this diet targets pockets of fat from the inside out rather than the outside in, or at least that's what it seems to be doing with this bod.  Plus, it was actually the internal fat that I wanted to target anyway.

It may be that the only fat that I have is the visible kind, the inner thigh hang, the muffin etc.  and maybe that's all this diet has to target.  Either way, I'm delighted.  I'm only four weeks in and I'm 10lbs down, 6lbs in the first week.  Have to say that, when I began this diet, after my holiday, I was the heaviest I'd been for a long, long time, I was 9st 6lbs when my usual weight was around 8st 10lbs, 8st 10lbs being at the higher end of my norm.

To be honest, while I was noticing the changes on my outside, I was more worried about any visceral fat on the inside, rapped, snugly around my organs, comfortably sleeping like a resting snake.  Truth is, I don't know if I have a lot of visceral fat as I haven't had the appropriate tests, but I was willing to wage war on it anyway and I suspect that I have.

The outcome is that I can see my visible fat dissolving, being used up and eaten away by this diet like the preferred food of a hungry animal.  It gives me some comfort that if it can do that to the stubborn visible, I'm sure it can do the same to the invisible and stealthy kind, if I did in fact have any.

Fast days I have a couple of Starbucks filters with some skimmed milk and around 6pm, I have a good couple of bowls of Spring vegetable soup; celery, carrots, onion, couple of stock cubes and some extra virgin olive oil.  Feels so nourishing which I know probably sounds daft but really feels like you're doing your body good, resting it then feeding it with some solid nutrition.

Breakfast (break-fast) after a fast day, is almost indescribable.  My Monday to Friday breakfast is my favourite meal of the day anyway, wholemeal, seeded pita, with a whole avocado (none of this only half business,) and the tiniest slice of honey roast ham.  Breakfast following a fast day is on a whole other level, maybe the anticipation?  Whatever, it is last meal worthy.

I've been given the all clear from my GP to exercise regarding blood pressure, I've been give exercises and stretches from physio regarding dodgy post accident shoulder, so I really should get off my behind now and jump back into exercise to complement the new eating plan right?

Round Up of Events

Hi Col, I know I've been AWOL quite a bit lately and I'm sorry.  Just one thing after another and no writing mojo to speak of.

Accident was five weeks ago now and while I'm still clicking, crunching and stiff, body wise, I'm more relaxed driving again and not such a nervous wreck, but still tense.

We've had glorious weather and it makes you feel amazing doesn't it?  Got to be the Vitamin D effect don't you think?

Physically, I'm creaking.  Stuff hurts.  Mentally, feel a bit bruised but trying to do the right things.

Work hasn't been terrible and I'm off for a week now so I'm very happy with the prospect of sleep and freedom.

Fast forward nine days and I'm back to work tomorrow.  I've had a brilliant and busy week; coffee catch ups, lunch with Don and Sheila, trip to the Zoo with baby great niece, (we saw baby elephant, baby monkey (which I would have gladly brought home,) baby rhino,) and countless other, grown up animals.  Must be fifteen years since I've been and it was amazing, they all had tons of space and seemed very happy.  Even brought back some school trip memories of eons ago.

I've had a couple of meals out, Chinese and Wagamama's with J&G.  J decided lovely waiter from Chinese (think he may have been Eastern European, quietly spoken, pleasant, inquisitive, he thought he had seen me around,) was flirting with me and after two glasses of wine was keen to pursue, but I managed to deflect, pretty sure he was way too young for me, even if I was interested.

Saturday morning and I'm spending my only free time with Bee while J&G are toiling in my front garden for me when who rolls up, but our old neighbours.

A date was set and on Thursday night, I collected Jan and drove into the country to where Mrs P and A were staying for the week.  It was a really special night.  Neither of them have changed and it was like being back 25 years ago.  The chat, the references, talk of Mum.  It was lovely.  It was a hot, hot night and while we didn't leave until almost 10pm, the sunset was glorious driving through the dusk on the way home.

Old friends really are golden.

We had one day playing in the garden with baby great niece because it was just too hot and at least there, we had some shade.

Pretty much the rest of the time was spent digging in the back garden, digging up old bulbs, digging up enormous tree roots, digging, digging, digging.  Did you know, when you hurl a spade into a root, a root of any size, large or pencil sized, it's like hitting concrete and you get a ricochet through your hand and up your arm?  I hurt in places I didn't know I had and my hands are soooo sore.

Did I tell you all of this started because my back garden fence needed support posts putting in?  J&G, like the super heroes they are, said they would mend my fence so that I didn't have to get a new one, but in the process, I had to have a dead enormous tree cut down, dig out 10ft long tree roots, completely wreck my already moss and dandelion ridden lawn, sieve soil, and on and on the list would go.  Jan keeps telling me it's going to look amazing and I believe her.  It's been a long time since it looked like a garden and not an overgrown green mass.  I can't wait to see the end result and to be able to "potter."  Until now, my experience of gardening has been; "to hack."

Jan and I have been joking for years that once Geoff retired, I would have a list as long as my arm of "handy man" jobs for him to complete for me.  There isn't a room that doesn't need something Col, it's quite depressing and daunting but I haven't done anything significant for years and so... here we are.  I really do think it will be a beautiful and peaceful oasis when everything is complete.

Scrape

On Saturday I went for my usual coffee and read for an hour or so, headed to Bee's for a catch up for another hour then headed home. Three minutes from home, while I was giving way at a roundabout, stationary, someone ran into the back of me.  Not terrible, driver had a baby in a child seat on the passenger side, maybe she was distracted.  No one was hurt, some bumper damage, (about £700 on mine according to dear brother in law.)  I shook for about three hours and I'm a little stiff, shoulder hurting and clicking and crunching enough to make your stomach churn.

Everything will be fine but it's the hassle isn't it?  The inconvenience.  I'm going to be without a car for a few days so getting to and from work will be a nightmare.  Such is life.

Insurance company has been amazing, they've arranged for a hire car for me after all and they'll even pick me up to go and collect it.  There is a lot going on at the moment, so much information coming in that I'm trying to remember, my mind is blown by the day.

A few days after the accident and I'm still nervous driving around in my banged up car.  My car is collected by body shop for repair, hire car company pick me up to take me to collect hire car.

Paperwork completed, I wander outside with Aimee. "This is yours."

"You're kidding right?"  I have a tiny little car and they give me a Vauxhall Mokka X in black.  It's huge.  Not even a bright colour to scream at other drivers, "get out of my way!" Nope.  I'm stuck with the tank.

Have to say, after a few teething problems, (there is a button you depress for reverse and you open the petrol cap this way...) (I'm rolling eyes as we speak,) I grew to love it a little.  Still couldn't reverse park in it, but I started to relax driving it and felt safe.

Eight days later and I have my little beloved car back but now I feel minute and vulnerable in it, and a nervous wreck driving it again.

I'll be fine and will get used to it again.  And breathe.

Life's too short...

Life is too short Col, for uncomfortable underwear.  Yes, I'm going back to basics and I am done with putting up with uncomfortable undies because they're not ready to be thrown out yet (aka not worn out,) or they are allegedly sexy or for whatever reason, warm in the winter, cool in the summer etc. etc. etc.  Let's face it, if your nether regions are uncomfortable then the rest of you is uncomfortable, right?  It's exactly the same with painful shoes, your whole body is out of sorts when you wear uncomfortable / painful shoes.  So, no more, I need cotton and I need comfort, end of.  I feel liberated.

I've taken leave and  have had a lovely long weekend and the weather has been glorious, it's 24 degrees today.  Today being  Monday and my last day off work so I thought I would make the most of the time and the weather.  I went out for a coffee first thing and read some ore of my "depressing" book, (it is however starting to give me pointers on how to turn things around, i.e. flossing.)

I got home and cut the back garden grass, very hard going, first cut of the season and searing heat so took an hour.  Followed this by a further two hours of gardening, I say "gardening" but it was basically hacking and chopping away at bramble.  I'm ripped to shreds, felt light headed several times but in the end, filled 10 garden sacks with grass and thorns.

I followed the slasher fest with ironing then hovering, a solid day of hard work.  I'm exhausted and my body is complaining, but a bit of manual labour does a body good right?

Mayday

I was hoping that my new job would change my life, well, it hasn't exactly so far anyway but I do feel like I'm on a journey to and of improvement.

I've been using My Fitness Pal for years to keep track of what I'm eating and mainly to make sure that I'm eating enough of the right things, well I've just found out that I can tweak what it measures so I can see where I'm falling short, for instance, my iron levels have run low forever and that's normal for me but by choosing to monitor and log my iron on My Fitness Pal, I can see how I'm doing in this department.  The same goes for protein, I'm not really having enough but I can monitor it and change my eating habits to combat this.  Good huh?

I'm reading the most depressing book in the world at the moment.  I'm not going to tell you the title because it's unfair to disrespect the author and my judgement will probably change in around 4 chapters when things start to get positive and constructive, at the moment, it's a never ending shopping list of all the negative things that happen to your body once you hit 40... which is a very long way off ;)

The author is a doctor and a realist and is just what I need i.e. no sugar coating and some serious straight talk and lets face it, we all need some straight talk in some department don't we?

This book may really change my health so I'm going to keep reading.


I have a few days off work, yesterday was freezing cold but I spent several hours on a play date with my darling great niece Everly, in the garden because that's where she wanted to be.  She is two, going on thirty two.  She has a flair for rationale that would shame an adult, (we need to go inside Everly because it's cold and staring to rain.  "But if we put our hoods up (demonstrates,) we can still play outside!")

Jan and I agreed that Mum would have adored her and we wouldn't have stood a chance next to Everly.  I'm so in love.

On the Up

Has this been the longest Winter in history Col?  A few weeks ago, in the wee small hours, our clocks sprang forward over here into Spring, well, BST.  We had beautiful sunshine the following day as if to celebrate, but it was short lived and for the most part, the chilled air and the cloudy skies persist.

I'm more than ready for sunshine Col, seems to have been so long since I've felt any warmth from our sun and my bones fee positively brittle from the cold.

Things are finally improving generally though, I was thinking about this yesterday and have pinpointed the change rightly or wrongly to the eclipse on my birthday last year.  Since then, things have started to look up, not up and up, (January was the pits,) but on the whole, I seem to have a new found "can do, anything is possible" attitude.  There once was a time when everything, anything seemed almost impossible, now, nothing seems impossible, difficult, far fetched, a reach, but not impossible.

Your eldest is engaged to be married, (still can't get over that.)  I am "on his list" and I'd confirmed within two weeks that I would be there.  (Authorised with work etc.)  I hadn't planned on heading to NZ for a few years yet, work needs to be done here, my car has clocked over 102K so, it just wasn't on the radar for anytime soon, however, I've committed that I'm coming, I'd already committed to myself that I would, come hell or high water, have a new kitchen this year.  Everything here is old and needs either refreshing or replacing, it's at the stage were I can't do just one room because one leads on to another.

Well it's all going to be OK.  It might take me two to three years to do everything I need / want to do but that's OK, and by this time next year, I'll have spent a wonderful couple of weeks with you and the family and will have witnessed a dear hearts special day.