The recommended weekly consumption of alcohol, measured by unit, has been decreased recently here in the UK, it's literally nothing. It's basically three glasses of wine... for the week. The entire week. I'm not kidding. Anyway, the news got me Googling and I stumbled upon 'Mrs D is Giving Up', a brilliant blog from a Kiwi Mum deciding to go tee-total.
I'm still reading, but I recognise myself already. Not sure I'm in the same league... at the beginning of the story or in strength, but I get the gist. The ironic thing is, I used to lie about drinking alcohol. I'd say I had a Bacardi and Diet Coke, or a Tia Maria and Diet Coke, when it was in fact, just a Diet Coke. All that changed when Mum died and I just wanted to check out and not think. I came to love the blur, I was thankful for it and relied upon it.
99% of the time, I don't even enjoy a drink anymore, it was all just a numbing mechanism and it does nothing for me these days except give me insomnia, wrinkles, a few lbs on the scales and a puffiness around the face, not to mention the tiredness and persistent brain fog.
My close friend declared last night, 'I don't get drinking a whole bottle of wine, why not just have one glass and enjoy it?' Why indeed. This comes from the picture of health, with skin so glowing it's almost blinding... and he's a man. Do I really need a more powerful hint?
I'm not sure I would be able to do a 'Mrs D' and give up totally, forever, but I do need to change. We have a friend battling cancer, how dare I do this to myself when I know the associated risks. I still have chest pain despite the increased Blood Pressure medication and I'm convinced the toxins I'm pouring into my system are to blame. I think my Mum would understand, but be worried. For a very long time, I didn't care, now I'm starting to care.
Clear thoughts are so fleeting these days but I have come to love the fog. Still, despite the mistiness, I think that there is a glaring beacon, slap bang in front of me, possibly a fog horn in my ear.
No sooner have I typed in the words above than I hear that one of me nearest and most dearest is undergoing tests, but she didn't want to worry me before hand. God that annoys me. I've just finished giving the pep, but realistic talk, you know... it's probably nothing, but if it is, it's different these days, it's not like it used to be when we both lost blah blah blah... it's different now. And here I am, wondering, if it is the case, would God grant me the strength to deal with and support through this, without alcohol?
Saturday, 16 April 2016
Sunday, 20 March 2016
Time Away
Mother's Day was hard this year and you would think I would be used to it by now. I did wonder yesterday if I would see a white 'hello' feather today. I got to Starbucks at 9.10am a little later than usual as Mike pointed out as he processed my card, and as I walked to my usual seat... there it was, a white feather, on the tiles, within feet of the just mopped floor signs. Made my day.
I have three more days in work then I'm off for around ten I think, possibly eleven. I'm still coughing and I have an ulcer on my tonsil and a pretty sore throat. I'd aimed for a coffee date today but turned it down in the end. Probably not the best company in the world and better to be by myself.
I feel like I need to make some big decisions but it's pretty hard sometimes. I have major construction going on right on my doorstep. Neighbours are telling me that they have huge cracks in their brickwork, inside and out. My manager is telling me it's time to move on as there is no progression where I am now, where to, I do not know and I feel more alone than ever. Still, I'm probably just exhausted and in need of some time off.
My first weekend off is just what the doctor ordered. A long weekend away with friends, change of scenery, change of company, a couple of plane rides, despite being 'randomly' swabbed for drugs... again at the airport, (do I look like a druggy or an easy stat? Seriously, I have been randomly swabbed so many times. It really can't be that random.) The change of air, sea air, fresh air, helped to clear the last of my cough. I didn't over indulge, in alcohol anyway. I clocked about 6 to 7 hours sleep every night and it was just lovely to catch up with everyone.
I feel clarity. I feel different.
I have three more days in work then I'm off for around ten I think, possibly eleven. I'm still coughing and I have an ulcer on my tonsil and a pretty sore throat. I'd aimed for a coffee date today but turned it down in the end. Probably not the best company in the world and better to be by myself.
I feel like I need to make some big decisions but it's pretty hard sometimes. I have major construction going on right on my doorstep. Neighbours are telling me that they have huge cracks in their brickwork, inside and out. My manager is telling me it's time to move on as there is no progression where I am now, where to, I do not know and I feel more alone than ever. Still, I'm probably just exhausted and in need of some time off.
My first weekend off is just what the doctor ordered. A long weekend away with friends, change of scenery, change of company, a couple of plane rides, despite being 'randomly' swabbed for drugs... again at the airport, (do I look like a druggy or an easy stat? Seriously, I have been randomly swabbed so many times. It really can't be that random.) The change of air, sea air, fresh air, helped to clear the last of my cough. I didn't over indulge, in alcohol anyway. I clocked about 6 to 7 hours sleep every night and it was just lovely to catch up with everyone.
I feel clarity. I feel different.
Saturday, 5 March 2016
Spring
I always time stamp thoughts with pictures .... Lady Edith's wedding in Downton... 1925, my Mum was one and a half years old. Hard to fathom really.
Well, I survived Christmas, it wasn't that it was bad, it was just different and stressful. I spent it with family that I haven't spent Christmas with for a long time, and it was lovely for that reason.
New Year was quiet, just me and Bryan, Bryan Adams. OK, I was here and Bryan was in London sounding spectacular. I went out, as per usual with my coal, salt, bread and silver, let time tick over, watched a few fireworks then let myself back in. Sounds a bit pathetic I know, but, it's just tradition, even if I'm the only one who knows that I do it. No phone calls this year and the mobile network seemed to be on the blink so lots of messages could not be sent, but it was still good. I was in bed shortly after midnight and it didn't take me long to drop off.
January was a bit of a blur, it's always hard work trying to get back into a routine after the Christmas break. The break makes me realise that what I normally do, is not normal. For instance, I didn't wake once naturally, before 7am the whole time I was off. My usual waking time for work is 4.40am, by alarm. I rest my case. Work is busy but I'm taking that as a blessing.
For Christmas, I treated myself to a book by Jillian Michaels, (you know... "The Biggest Loser" coach,) it's called "Unlimited" and I absolutely love it. I love how it makes me think and I love her writing style, I can hear her voice in my head as I read. She has helped me recognise things in myself, she has helped me to see how to make my life better. I can tell you now, I'm going to read it, again and again.
On TV at the moment is the carnage that is...'The Jump' and the reason I am watching this is that my crush of twenty plus years.... Mr Dean Cain is competing. That is the one and only reason I'm watching this. 25% of the celebs can ski and are competitive, 25% have never skied but genuinely want to give it a good go, and 75% are attention seeking desperadoes screaming 'look at me'. I'm kidding, that was a joke, I have one friend who hates with a passion anyone using over 100% in total, you know the drill, giving it 200% etc. I did of course mean 99% of the celebs are desperate attention seekers.
The Monday before Valentine's Day, I started to feel unwell, Thursday, my eldest sister turned 70. I haven't quite got my head around that yet, in fact, I'm probably going to park that for a few years. I continued to feel dreadful for the next couple of weeks, terrible cough, aching, no energy, freezing cold but sweaty. I was getting home from work at 5.15pm and was in bed and asleep by 6.30pm, night after night. After a couple of weeks, I got a Dr's appointment and as suspected, I have a virus with flu like symptoms. Doesn't help me but I feel better knowing that it'll pass soon-ish.
The nights are drawing out thankfully, most nights, I now get home before it's pitch dark, which makes such a difference. A couple of weeks ago, I got home in time to open the curtains because I still had about 30 minutes light left, it was wonderful.
I don't have much appetite but I'm eating bits and bobs, it won't do me any harm and I'm not going to starve. I got to see my darling Great Niece a couple of weekends ago, CJ told me I was hired as I managed to rock her to sleep. She is so beautiful and I know I'm expected to say that, but she really is. God I hope she likes me when she's big enough to decide.
Really wishing I could hop on a plane, sleep for 24 hours and meet you at the other end, we'd then head to Raglan so that I could have the plane air and the cobwebs blown off me while we walked and chatted with the sand beneath us. What do you think?
Well, I survived Christmas, it wasn't that it was bad, it was just different and stressful. I spent it with family that I haven't spent Christmas with for a long time, and it was lovely for that reason.
New Year was quiet, just me and Bryan, Bryan Adams. OK, I was here and Bryan was in London sounding spectacular. I went out, as per usual with my coal, salt, bread and silver, let time tick over, watched a few fireworks then let myself back in. Sounds a bit pathetic I know, but, it's just tradition, even if I'm the only one who knows that I do it. No phone calls this year and the mobile network seemed to be on the blink so lots of messages could not be sent, but it was still good. I was in bed shortly after midnight and it didn't take me long to drop off.
January was a bit of a blur, it's always hard work trying to get back into a routine after the Christmas break. The break makes me realise that what I normally do, is not normal. For instance, I didn't wake once naturally, before 7am the whole time I was off. My usual waking time for work is 4.40am, by alarm. I rest my case. Work is busy but I'm taking that as a blessing.
For Christmas, I treated myself to a book by Jillian Michaels, (you know... "The Biggest Loser" coach,) it's called "Unlimited" and I absolutely love it. I love how it makes me think and I love her writing style, I can hear her voice in my head as I read. She has helped me recognise things in myself, she has helped me to see how to make my life better. I can tell you now, I'm going to read it, again and again.
On TV at the moment is the carnage that is...'The Jump' and the reason I am watching this is that my crush of twenty plus years.... Mr Dean Cain is competing. That is the one and only reason I'm watching this. 25% of the celebs can ski and are competitive, 25% have never skied but genuinely want to give it a good go, and 75% are attention seeking desperadoes screaming 'look at me'. I'm kidding, that was a joke, I have one friend who hates with a passion anyone using over 100% in total, you know the drill, giving it 200% etc. I did of course mean 99% of the celebs are desperate attention seekers.
The Monday before Valentine's Day, I started to feel unwell, Thursday, my eldest sister turned 70. I haven't quite got my head around that yet, in fact, I'm probably going to park that for a few years. I continued to feel dreadful for the next couple of weeks, terrible cough, aching, no energy, freezing cold but sweaty. I was getting home from work at 5.15pm and was in bed and asleep by 6.30pm, night after night. After a couple of weeks, I got a Dr's appointment and as suspected, I have a virus with flu like symptoms. Doesn't help me but I feel better knowing that it'll pass soon-ish.
The nights are drawing out thankfully, most nights, I now get home before it's pitch dark, which makes such a difference. A couple of weeks ago, I got home in time to open the curtains because I still had about 30 minutes light left, it was wonderful.
I don't have much appetite but I'm eating bits and bobs, it won't do me any harm and I'm not going to starve. I got to see my darling Great Niece a couple of weekends ago, CJ told me I was hired as I managed to rock her to sleep. She is so beautiful and I know I'm expected to say that, but she really is. God I hope she likes me when she's big enough to decide.
Really wishing I could hop on a plane, sleep for 24 hours and meet you at the other end, we'd then head to Raglan so that I could have the plane air and the cobwebs blown off me while we walked and chatted with the sand beneath us. What do you think?
Monday, 28 December 2015
Christmas Hello....
Three weeks before Christmas and an Audi ran into the back of me after a Ford Focus smashed into her. The Ford was a write off and I thank God that the Audi was between me and the Ford, or me and mine would have been a write off too. I was a nervous wreck driving for a few weeks with constant over checking in my rear view mirrors, but no actual damage to me or my car.
By the time Christmas Eve arrived, I had said 'those' words, the words that makes the Grinch rub his hands with glee, those words that kill angels and neutralises star dust... I uttered; 'I can't wait for Christmas to be over.'
I know, as the words left my mouth, I heard clocks seize and magic die. You know that I didn't mean it. I was just so done with family drama and petulant behaviour, that I said something that I didn't mean.
Christmas Eve arrives and I have lots of baby cuddles with my new baby Great Niece EG, I leave CJ's (my darling nephew's) and head to my sister's who is the new Nanna, to deposit presents. Jan is showing me a video of EG managing to cover her face with her bib, all on her own. As we watch the video again and again, one of the new Grandparent cards taped to the back of the hall door falls to the ground.
'Hi Mum', Jan and I look at each other as I acknowledge that Mum is around. We are used to the occasional "appearance" and I think it's important to acknowledge it, I believe it must take great effort. When it's time to leave, I approach the door with roughly twenty-five cards taped to the back of the door. I reach to pick up the card that has fallen from the middle of the arrangement, the card looks familiar and as I open it and peek inside, it's the card that I sent to the new Grandparents, fallen, from the centre of the display, amidst all of the other cards.
By the time Christmas Eve arrived, I had said 'those' words, the words that makes the Grinch rub his hands with glee, those words that kill angels and neutralises star dust... I uttered; 'I can't wait for Christmas to be over.'
I know, as the words left my mouth, I heard clocks seize and magic die. You know that I didn't mean it. I was just so done with family drama and petulant behaviour, that I said something that I didn't mean.
Christmas Eve arrives and I have lots of baby cuddles with my new baby Great Niece EG, I leave CJ's (my darling nephew's) and head to my sister's who is the new Nanna, to deposit presents. Jan is showing me a video of EG managing to cover her face with her bib, all on her own. As we watch the video again and again, one of the new Grandparent cards taped to the back of the hall door falls to the ground.
'Hi Mum', Jan and I look at each other as I acknowledge that Mum is around. We are used to the occasional "appearance" and I think it's important to acknowledge it, I believe it must take great effort. When it's time to leave, I approach the door with roughly twenty-five cards taped to the back of the door. I reach to pick up the card that has fallen from the middle of the arrangement, the card looks familiar and as I open it and peek inside, it's the card that I sent to the new Grandparents, fallen, from the centre of the display, amidst all of the other cards.
Houston...
Last winter, the neighbours told me that they hoped that I didn't mind, but when they went on their roof to clear autumn leaves, check the vents etc., they also checked my roof.
Fast forward through several seasons, a prolonged hospital stay and a dodgy hip, and I am asked if I will do the honours this year due to daughter being afraid of heights. No problem, I reply, I'm not afraid of heights, one good deed etc.
This weekend, the time had come, I pulled on my scruff and climbed the ladder, one of those that gets narrower near the top. I climbed up no problem, reached the roof and did my stuff, clearing out drains, sweeping up leaves and shovelling dirt into a big bucket.
Twenty minutes later and I was done. Houston, we have a problem. Have you seen people on television who are 'frozen' on a roof? I confess that I had a moment. I had a total freak out in my head and I can totally understand how someone can lose the ability to put one foot in front of the other. I was staring at the ladder, standing on the roof and I literally did not know how to... 'dismount'.
Logistically, it seemed pretty impossible, how the heck was I going to get off the roof and onto the ladder? I had a couple of minutes montage in my head of pure panic. I envisioned other neighbours being summoned, the fire brigade, the local newspaper. It was fear of embarrassment which overpowered fear of getting on to the ladder in the end.
I gently knelt on the edge of the roof with the drop behind me, feet hanging off, dangling in the wind, then, I gingerly felt for the narrow ladder to my left. My arms and legs shook, but I made it down the ladder without incident.
Same time next year? I asked as I dismounted, trying to wipe away any tinge of fear. I really could have done with a panel of judges holding up 10's at this point.
A few hours later and neighbour arrived with a bunch of flowers, lovely thought, totally unnecessary. And you know what? The next time I'm petrified on a roof, I know that I can put one foot in front of the other and make it safely to earth.
Fast forward through several seasons, a prolonged hospital stay and a dodgy hip, and I am asked if I will do the honours this year due to daughter being afraid of heights. No problem, I reply, I'm not afraid of heights, one good deed etc.
This weekend, the time had come, I pulled on my scruff and climbed the ladder, one of those that gets narrower near the top. I climbed up no problem, reached the roof and did my stuff, clearing out drains, sweeping up leaves and shovelling dirt into a big bucket.
Twenty minutes later and I was done. Houston, we have a problem. Have you seen people on television who are 'frozen' on a roof? I confess that I had a moment. I had a total freak out in my head and I can totally understand how someone can lose the ability to put one foot in front of the other. I was staring at the ladder, standing on the roof and I literally did not know how to... 'dismount'.
Logistically, it seemed pretty impossible, how the heck was I going to get off the roof and onto the ladder? I had a couple of minutes montage in my head of pure panic. I envisioned other neighbours being summoned, the fire brigade, the local newspaper. It was fear of embarrassment which overpowered fear of getting on to the ladder in the end.
I gently knelt on the edge of the roof with the drop behind me, feet hanging off, dangling in the wind, then, I gingerly felt for the narrow ladder to my left. My arms and legs shook, but I made it down the ladder without incident.
Same time next year? I asked as I dismounted, trying to wipe away any tinge of fear. I really could have done with a panel of judges holding up 10's at this point.
A few hours later and neighbour arrived with a bunch of flowers, lovely thought, totally unnecessary. And you know what? The next time I'm petrified on a roof, I know that I can put one foot in front of the other and make it safely to earth.
Sunday, 22 November 2015
Hello Little One, Goodbye to Big...
It's been a mixed week, feel like I've been on the verge of tears over everything, all week, songs, adverts, the news, news, work. Everything.
Firstly, above all, it's a wonderful week because my darling nephew's daughter arrived on Wednesday. I haven't met her yet but I can tell you already that I love her and would die for her. Nuff said. She's actually still in the hospital but will hopefully be home today.
CJ phoned me with the news, just before bedtime, and after an excruciatingly difficult and long day in work, it was the best news, and such a surprise, even though she was a little over her due date, there were no... she's on her way messages, nothing until.... 'I'm with my daughter.' Did you just hear my heart melt again?
Other than that, it's been long days in work, a few days of throwing away my lunch, because I hadn't had time to eat it, nights of being unable to get to sleep, and or waking up at 4am. Throw into the mix, mild tonsillitis, (only on one side,) and the scent of sorrow in the world at present and there you have it, a recipe for tears.
It was also a week of goodbyes. I've been at my current job for two years and since day one, 'Big Jim' has been; warm, friendly, encouraging and... I've been searching for that last adjective for a while and the best I've come across is... commanding. Last night, he threw a leaving party at a club close to work, he is also generous and has class. Another colleague mentioned that we all know that Jim's a big man, but he has real 'presence', and I could not have described him more perfectly. Everything seems OK and in control when Jim is around, like you're in safe hands. I'm sorry I didn't get to work with him longer, to enjoy his company and to learn, and I'm sorry I didn't get to introduce him to some of my gorgeous friends, I actually had three potentials in mind for him. He'd be lucky to have any of them on his arm, and they would be lucky to have him.
So, weird week with happy hello's, sad goodbyes, sleeplessness, empathy and a little illness... which I'm still trying to both understand and heal from. There was more relatively boring stuff too, prescription mix ups, blood tests, other tests required, all non important at the moment, just frustrating, time consuming and bothersome.
I need to get some sleep, get rid of any infection I have floating around the throat area and get to meet my Great Niece for the first time. Right now, that really is all that matters.
I ♥ EGM
Firstly, above all, it's a wonderful week because my darling nephew's daughter arrived on Wednesday. I haven't met her yet but I can tell you already that I love her and would die for her. Nuff said. She's actually still in the hospital but will hopefully be home today.
CJ phoned me with the news, just before bedtime, and after an excruciatingly difficult and long day in work, it was the best news, and such a surprise, even though she was a little over her due date, there were no... she's on her way messages, nothing until.... 'I'm with my daughter.' Did you just hear my heart melt again?
Other than that, it's been long days in work, a few days of throwing away my lunch, because I hadn't had time to eat it, nights of being unable to get to sleep, and or waking up at 4am. Throw into the mix, mild tonsillitis, (only on one side,) and the scent of sorrow in the world at present and there you have it, a recipe for tears.
It was also a week of goodbyes. I've been at my current job for two years and since day one, 'Big Jim' has been; warm, friendly, encouraging and... I've been searching for that last adjective for a while and the best I've come across is... commanding. Last night, he threw a leaving party at a club close to work, he is also generous and has class. Another colleague mentioned that we all know that Jim's a big man, but he has real 'presence', and I could not have described him more perfectly. Everything seems OK and in control when Jim is around, like you're in safe hands. I'm sorry I didn't get to work with him longer, to enjoy his company and to learn, and I'm sorry I didn't get to introduce him to some of my gorgeous friends, I actually had three potentials in mind for him. He'd be lucky to have any of them on his arm, and they would be lucky to have him.
So, weird week with happy hello's, sad goodbyes, sleeplessness, empathy and a little illness... which I'm still trying to both understand and heal from. There was more relatively boring stuff too, prescription mix ups, blood tests, other tests required, all non important at the moment, just frustrating, time consuming and bothersome.
I need to get some sleep, get rid of any infection I have floating around the throat area and get to meet my Great Niece for the first time. Right now, that really is all that matters.
I ♥ EGM
Saturday, 21 November 2015
Practice What you Preach
I've been off work for a week now. Not the best of breaks, can't seem to shake off the tiredness or melancholy. I've crammed in sleep... very important, nurses appointment, tell you about that later, had blood tests and made a doctor's appointment for the results, that's weeks away, as usual. Had dinner out with Jan, followed by biggest Christmas tree in Europe being lit followed by fireworks display, visit to see the Poppy display at St. George's Hall, (thought about Grandad,) and follow-up appointment with sister who had op for cancer this year, had physio, coffee with cousin and baby cousin... highlight, that was pretty much it.
Quite a week I suppose. So, nurses appointment was funny. I had to wait four weeks for the appointment. Arrived at 7.15pm, fifteen minutes early, to be told that the nurse was running 16 minutes late. I made the appointment, firstly because my blood pressure check was due and secondly, because I can't help feeling that something is out of kilter somewhere.
Despite being told there was a sixteen minute delay, within two minutes, I heard my name called. I stood up, briefly spotted a figure in blue who raced off ahead of me. I kept up, just, and followed the nurse into the exam room. To say that the nurse looked dishevelled, is being kind. But I felt for her. She had probably been on duty for about ten hours at this point. I'm sure her hair was all up at the beginning, now, we have a... half up, half sticking out at 90 degrees scenario going on.
"So you're new to the practice?"
"No, I've been coming here since I was a child."
"But you haven't been here for over twelve months."
"I last came for a BP check in July this year."
"You're not on BP meds yet though."
"I'm on Lisinopril."
It went on like that for a while, but God love her, I was probably the sixty-something patient she'd seen that day.
In the five minutes that I was actually in there, I tried to convey that I'd been very tired for a while, that I understood that this was due to either work, early starts or hormones, and after initially telling me that she couldn't authorise blood tests, in the end, she ticked every box for me to be checked; liver, renal, cholesterol, thyroid, iron, B12 etc.
"You're OK with a fasting blood test?"
"No" (I was joking... partly.)
"You may as well go tomorrow, while you're off, they open at 8.30am."
So after having woken early with thoughts of coffee, coffee and more coffee, I settle for boiled water and leave early to avoid the school traffic and to get there early.
I arrive at the hospital at 8.20am, only to read the sign to say that they begin the phlebotomy sessions at 9am. Luckily, I'd brought a magazine with me.
At 8.58am, my number clicked onto the screen, come on down, number 83. The nurse aims for my right arm, "you won't get anything out of there." Nurse smiles and moves over to my left arm, and I look away.
Quite a week I suppose. So, nurses appointment was funny. I had to wait four weeks for the appointment. Arrived at 7.15pm, fifteen minutes early, to be told that the nurse was running 16 minutes late. I made the appointment, firstly because my blood pressure check was due and secondly, because I can't help feeling that something is out of kilter somewhere.
Despite being told there was a sixteen minute delay, within two minutes, I heard my name called. I stood up, briefly spotted a figure in blue who raced off ahead of me. I kept up, just, and followed the nurse into the exam room. To say that the nurse looked dishevelled, is being kind. But I felt for her. She had probably been on duty for about ten hours at this point. I'm sure her hair was all up at the beginning, now, we have a... half up, half sticking out at 90 degrees scenario going on.
"So you're new to the practice?"
"No, I've been coming here since I was a child."
"But you haven't been here for over twelve months."
"I last came for a BP check in July this year."
"You're not on BP meds yet though."
"I'm on Lisinopril."
It went on like that for a while, but God love her, I was probably the sixty-something patient she'd seen that day.
In the five minutes that I was actually in there, I tried to convey that I'd been very tired for a while, that I understood that this was due to either work, early starts or hormones, and after initially telling me that she couldn't authorise blood tests, in the end, she ticked every box for me to be checked; liver, renal, cholesterol, thyroid, iron, B12 etc.
"You're OK with a fasting blood test?"
"No" (I was joking... partly.)
"You may as well go tomorrow, while you're off, they open at 8.30am."
So after having woken early with thoughts of coffee, coffee and more coffee, I settle for boiled water and leave early to avoid the school traffic and to get there early.
I arrive at the hospital at 8.20am, only to read the sign to say that they begin the phlebotomy sessions at 9am. Luckily, I'd brought a magazine with me.
At 8.58am, my number clicked onto the screen, come on down, number 83. The nurse aims for my right arm, "you won't get anything out of there." Nurse smiles and moves over to my left arm, and I look away.
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