Lots going on at the moment which I can't bring myself to talk about just yet. It's one of those times in life that you think; life is short, you need to make the most of it. Be happy, let toxic individuals float away from you, make sure the people you love, know that you love them, you know... the usual at times like these.
It's a Holiday weekend, with my extra Friday off tagged on at the beginning. It was just what I needed, even if I haven't slept well the whole time. I have made the most of it, Friday, coffee then 6 hours of gardening, yep, ached to oblivion after that, Saturday, coffee then off to spend day with my cousin, only 50 minutes away but with the Holiday traffic, 1 hour and 40 minutes away. Got home at 10pm. Sunday, 4 hours of gardening, a little sun burned, Monday, coffee, trip to the tip with 14 bags of garden waste, de-cluttered box room, ironed, de-cluttered some more, texted you, you're headed for Devon as we speak.
I've been in a real slump for a few weeks, the strain of a terminal illness and trying to lend support, being totally invisible at the Christening because I'm single, (photographer visits table to take 'family photos' and takes couple, another couple and family of 4, doesn't even look at me because I don't exist.)
Funeral... again, bad enough but worse alone. But now, a few days later, I have my game face on again. I've been giving pep talks to others. I'm feeling strong, I am de-cluttering the past like a demon.
You know what? 99% of the time, I am more than good enough as I am, alone, it's only at certain times or events that you become invisible, I just need to learn to cope better with the invisible moments.
Monday, 30 May 2016
Saturday, 14 May 2016
Zen
I'm in a pretty Zen, (smug,) place right now. Lots and lots going on, changes at work, illness, hospital visits, waiting, more waiting, but I'm OK. Maybe Zen is too strong, maybe I should say that all of my plates are successfully spinning at the moment, I have no doubt that some will eventually slip and smash into a million tiny pieces, but for now, I'm OK.
Well, you're here in the UK and so far, we haven't managed to meet up, between work, family and hospital visits, but I'm hoping to rectify this very soon. By the way, in case I forget to tell you, speaking to your youngest this week on the phone... just like talking to you, except with a Kiwi accent.
I'm still obsessed with my Fitbit and my activity has definitely been cranked up because of it. I'm now walking between 5 and 6 miles per day. I'm sleeping better, apart from last night when I woke at 3am but I put it to good use and so far today, well, it's 2pm and I've walked 7.5 miles so far.
I've found a Jillian Michaels kettlebell workout on YouTube of which I do half of every night with a 5kg kettlebell, it's a toughie, hence the half, Jillian kicks my behind.
I had my end of year chat this week, boss took me for a flat white and we probably chatted equally about him as about me, but he's in a pretty Zen place right now too, finally realising that there is more to life than work, and so I'm happy to ride on his coat tails, I'm not sure how long this will last, so I'll make the most of it.
I was asked recently to promise a loved one that I would 'enjoy life'. I did of course, duly promise that I would, but as the words left my mouth, I began to wonder... what does that mean?
Well, you're here in the UK and so far, we haven't managed to meet up, between work, family and hospital visits, but I'm hoping to rectify this very soon. By the way, in case I forget to tell you, speaking to your youngest this week on the phone... just like talking to you, except with a Kiwi accent.
I'm still obsessed with my Fitbit and my activity has definitely been cranked up because of it. I'm now walking between 5 and 6 miles per day. I'm sleeping better, apart from last night when I woke at 3am but I put it to good use and so far today, well, it's 2pm and I've walked 7.5 miles so far.
I've found a Jillian Michaels kettlebell workout on YouTube of which I do half of every night with a 5kg kettlebell, it's a toughie, hence the half, Jillian kicks my behind.
I had my end of year chat this week, boss took me for a flat white and we probably chatted equally about him as about me, but he's in a pretty Zen place right now too, finally realising that there is more to life than work, and so I'm happy to ride on his coat tails, I'm not sure how long this will last, so I'll make the most of it.
I was asked recently to promise a loved one that I would 'enjoy life'. I did of course, duly promise that I would, but as the words left my mouth, I began to wonder... what does that mean?
Friday, 6 May 2016
Now Breathe, and Focus
In the end, it was my love of sleep and plain old vanity that made me want to change. I hated how old and puffy my face looked. I also didn't like the way my body was looking, I'm not ready to give up yet, I want to wear a bikini one day, if I ever get to go on holiday again, I don't want to have to settle for stretchy pants as the norm because I can't find anything I like to wear that is comfortable.
Having a glass of wine after a stressful day at work is not only a habit, but a ritual, a comfort, a fake de-stressor because we all know that alcohol actually stresses the body, even though we tell ourselves that it helps us to relax and helps us to sleep... it doesn't.
I finally realised that it's the ritual that I love more than the wine. I have, after some bloody awful taste testing, found an alcohol free wine, which is palatable, nice in fact, which I can have chilling in the fridge, waiting for me to return from work and to pour, like a soothing nectar, into a beautiful wine glass to enjoy with dinner. I'm also sleeping like a baby and after a couple of weeks of this, I look ten years younger and ten pounds lighter, I'm not kidding.
To help me concentrate my mind, I've indulged in a Fitbit, other tracking gadgets are available but I've considered the purchase for a good few months and I eventually went for the Fitbit One, which I love. I am already signed up to Myfitnesspal which can be synced to my Fitbit, so the Fitbit automatically tracks my calorie intake, the number of steps I've taken, any activity undertaken and most importantly, tracks my sleep. It's fascinating. Fascinating how shocking my sleep pattern is.
Have to say, I'm a little obsessed but it has focused my mind so much and has really helped me to hone in on the calories in v calories out scenario. If I have ten minutes to spare in the morning before work, I'll walk a few blocks instead of just rolling up to my desk a little early. In work, I have to go up two escalators to get to the lobby, if one escalator is jammed, I'll go to the free one so that I can walk up it. I try my hardest to get out on my lunch for a walk to get in my steps, I choose to be more mindful with my eating. It really is amazing how it alters your thinking but I've always been most competitive, with myself.
It's not all about vanity, we only get one body in this life, I maintain my car, my home, I'd be foolish not to attempt to maintain my body wouldn't I?
Having a glass of wine after a stressful day at work is not only a habit, but a ritual, a comfort, a fake de-stressor because we all know that alcohol actually stresses the body, even though we tell ourselves that it helps us to relax and helps us to sleep... it doesn't.
I finally realised that it's the ritual that I love more than the wine. I have, after some bloody awful taste testing, found an alcohol free wine, which is palatable, nice in fact, which I can have chilling in the fridge, waiting for me to return from work and to pour, like a soothing nectar, into a beautiful wine glass to enjoy with dinner. I'm also sleeping like a baby and after a couple of weeks of this, I look ten years younger and ten pounds lighter, I'm not kidding.
To help me concentrate my mind, I've indulged in a Fitbit, other tracking gadgets are available but I've considered the purchase for a good few months and I eventually went for the Fitbit One, which I love. I am already signed up to Myfitnesspal which can be synced to my Fitbit, so the Fitbit automatically tracks my calorie intake, the number of steps I've taken, any activity undertaken and most importantly, tracks my sleep. It's fascinating. Fascinating how shocking my sleep pattern is.
Have to say, I'm a little obsessed but it has focused my mind so much and has really helped me to hone in on the calories in v calories out scenario. If I have ten minutes to spare in the morning before work, I'll walk a few blocks instead of just rolling up to my desk a little early. In work, I have to go up two escalators to get to the lobby, if one escalator is jammed, I'll go to the free one so that I can walk up it. I try my hardest to get out on my lunch for a walk to get in my steps, I choose to be more mindful with my eating. It really is amazing how it alters your thinking but I've always been most competitive, with myself.
It's not all about vanity, we only get one body in this life, I maintain my car, my home, I'd be foolish not to attempt to maintain my body wouldn't I?
Saturday, 16 April 2016
Crunch Time
The recommended weekly consumption of alcohol, measured by unit, has been decreased recently here in the UK, it's literally nothing. It's basically three glasses of wine... for the week. The entire week. I'm not kidding. Anyway, the news got me Googling and I stumbled upon 'Mrs D is Giving Up', a brilliant blog from a Kiwi Mum deciding to go tee-total.
I'm still reading, but I recognise myself already. Not sure I'm in the same league... at the beginning of the story or in strength, but I get the gist. The ironic thing is, I used to lie about drinking alcohol. I'd say I had a Bacardi and Diet Coke, or a Tia Maria and Diet Coke, when it was in fact, just a Diet Coke. All that changed when Mum died and I just wanted to check out and not think. I came to love the blur, I was thankful for it and relied upon it.
99% of the time, I don't even enjoy a drink anymore, it was all just a numbing mechanism and it does nothing for me these days except give me insomnia, wrinkles, a few lbs on the scales and a puffiness around the face, not to mention the tiredness and persistent brain fog.
My close friend declared last night, 'I don't get drinking a whole bottle of wine, why not just have one glass and enjoy it?' Why indeed. This comes from the picture of health, with skin so glowing it's almost blinding... and he's a man. Do I really need a more powerful hint?
I'm not sure I would be able to do a 'Mrs D' and give up totally, forever, but I do need to change. We have a friend battling cancer, how dare I do this to myself when I know the associated risks. I still have chest pain despite the increased Blood Pressure medication and I'm convinced the toxins I'm pouring into my system are to blame. I think my Mum would understand, but be worried. For a very long time, I didn't care, now I'm starting to care.
Clear thoughts are so fleeting these days but I have come to love the fog. Still, despite the mistiness, I think that there is a glaring beacon, slap bang in front of me, possibly a fog horn in my ear.
No sooner have I typed in the words above than I hear that one of me nearest and most dearest is undergoing tests, but she didn't want to worry me before hand. God that annoys me. I've just finished giving the pep, but realistic talk, you know... it's probably nothing, but if it is, it's different these days, it's not like it used to be when we both lost blah blah blah... it's different now. And here I am, wondering, if it is the case, would God grant me the strength to deal with and support through this, without alcohol?
I'm still reading, but I recognise myself already. Not sure I'm in the same league... at the beginning of the story or in strength, but I get the gist. The ironic thing is, I used to lie about drinking alcohol. I'd say I had a Bacardi and Diet Coke, or a Tia Maria and Diet Coke, when it was in fact, just a Diet Coke. All that changed when Mum died and I just wanted to check out and not think. I came to love the blur, I was thankful for it and relied upon it.
99% of the time, I don't even enjoy a drink anymore, it was all just a numbing mechanism and it does nothing for me these days except give me insomnia, wrinkles, a few lbs on the scales and a puffiness around the face, not to mention the tiredness and persistent brain fog.
My close friend declared last night, 'I don't get drinking a whole bottle of wine, why not just have one glass and enjoy it?' Why indeed. This comes from the picture of health, with skin so glowing it's almost blinding... and he's a man. Do I really need a more powerful hint?
I'm not sure I would be able to do a 'Mrs D' and give up totally, forever, but I do need to change. We have a friend battling cancer, how dare I do this to myself when I know the associated risks. I still have chest pain despite the increased Blood Pressure medication and I'm convinced the toxins I'm pouring into my system are to blame. I think my Mum would understand, but be worried. For a very long time, I didn't care, now I'm starting to care.
Clear thoughts are so fleeting these days but I have come to love the fog. Still, despite the mistiness, I think that there is a glaring beacon, slap bang in front of me, possibly a fog horn in my ear.
No sooner have I typed in the words above than I hear that one of me nearest and most dearest is undergoing tests, but she didn't want to worry me before hand. God that annoys me. I've just finished giving the pep, but realistic talk, you know... it's probably nothing, but if it is, it's different these days, it's not like it used to be when we both lost blah blah blah... it's different now. And here I am, wondering, if it is the case, would God grant me the strength to deal with and support through this, without alcohol?
Sunday, 20 March 2016
Time Away
Mother's Day was hard this year and you would think I would be used to it by now. I did wonder yesterday if I would see a white 'hello' feather today. I got to Starbucks at 9.10am a little later than usual as Mike pointed out as he processed my card, and as I walked to my usual seat... there it was, a white feather, on the tiles, within feet of the just mopped floor signs. Made my day.
I have three more days in work then I'm off for around ten I think, possibly eleven. I'm still coughing and I have an ulcer on my tonsil and a pretty sore throat. I'd aimed for a coffee date today but turned it down in the end. Probably not the best company in the world and better to be by myself.
I feel like I need to make some big decisions but it's pretty hard sometimes. I have major construction going on right on my doorstep. Neighbours are telling me that they have huge cracks in their brickwork, inside and out. My manager is telling me it's time to move on as there is no progression where I am now, where to, I do not know and I feel more alone than ever. Still, I'm probably just exhausted and in need of some time off.
My first weekend off is just what the doctor ordered. A long weekend away with friends, change of scenery, change of company, a couple of plane rides, despite being 'randomly' swabbed for drugs... again at the airport, (do I look like a druggy or an easy stat? Seriously, I have been randomly swabbed so many times. It really can't be that random.) The change of air, sea air, fresh air, helped to clear the last of my cough. I didn't over indulge, in alcohol anyway. I clocked about 6 to 7 hours sleep every night and it was just lovely to catch up with everyone.
I feel clarity. I feel different.
I have three more days in work then I'm off for around ten I think, possibly eleven. I'm still coughing and I have an ulcer on my tonsil and a pretty sore throat. I'd aimed for a coffee date today but turned it down in the end. Probably not the best company in the world and better to be by myself.
I feel like I need to make some big decisions but it's pretty hard sometimes. I have major construction going on right on my doorstep. Neighbours are telling me that they have huge cracks in their brickwork, inside and out. My manager is telling me it's time to move on as there is no progression where I am now, where to, I do not know and I feel more alone than ever. Still, I'm probably just exhausted and in need of some time off.
My first weekend off is just what the doctor ordered. A long weekend away with friends, change of scenery, change of company, a couple of plane rides, despite being 'randomly' swabbed for drugs... again at the airport, (do I look like a druggy or an easy stat? Seriously, I have been randomly swabbed so many times. It really can't be that random.) The change of air, sea air, fresh air, helped to clear the last of my cough. I didn't over indulge, in alcohol anyway. I clocked about 6 to 7 hours sleep every night and it was just lovely to catch up with everyone.
I feel clarity. I feel different.
Saturday, 5 March 2016
Spring
I always time stamp thoughts with pictures .... Lady Edith's wedding in Downton... 1925, my Mum was one and a half years old. Hard to fathom really.
Well, I survived Christmas, it wasn't that it was bad, it was just different and stressful. I spent it with family that I haven't spent Christmas with for a long time, and it was lovely for that reason.
New Year was quiet, just me and Bryan, Bryan Adams. OK, I was here and Bryan was in London sounding spectacular. I went out, as per usual with my coal, salt, bread and silver, let time tick over, watched a few fireworks then let myself back in. Sounds a bit pathetic I know, but, it's just tradition, even if I'm the only one who knows that I do it. No phone calls this year and the mobile network seemed to be on the blink so lots of messages could not be sent, but it was still good. I was in bed shortly after midnight and it didn't take me long to drop off.
January was a bit of a blur, it's always hard work trying to get back into a routine after the Christmas break. The break makes me realise that what I normally do, is not normal. For instance, I didn't wake once naturally, before 7am the whole time I was off. My usual waking time for work is 4.40am, by alarm. I rest my case. Work is busy but I'm taking that as a blessing.
For Christmas, I treated myself to a book by Jillian Michaels, (you know... "The Biggest Loser" coach,) it's called "Unlimited" and I absolutely love it. I love how it makes me think and I love her writing style, I can hear her voice in my head as I read. She has helped me recognise things in myself, she has helped me to see how to make my life better. I can tell you now, I'm going to read it, again and again.
On TV at the moment is the carnage that is...'The Jump' and the reason I am watching this is that my crush of twenty plus years.... Mr Dean Cain is competing. That is the one and only reason I'm watching this. 25% of the celebs can ski and are competitive, 25% have never skied but genuinely want to give it a good go, and 75% are attention seeking desperadoes screaming 'look at me'. I'm kidding, that was a joke, I have one friend who hates with a passion anyone using over 100% in total, you know the drill, giving it 200% etc. I did of course mean 99% of the celebs are desperate attention seekers.
The Monday before Valentine's Day, I started to feel unwell, Thursday, my eldest sister turned 70. I haven't quite got my head around that yet, in fact, I'm probably going to park that for a few years. I continued to feel dreadful for the next couple of weeks, terrible cough, aching, no energy, freezing cold but sweaty. I was getting home from work at 5.15pm and was in bed and asleep by 6.30pm, night after night. After a couple of weeks, I got a Dr's appointment and as suspected, I have a virus with flu like symptoms. Doesn't help me but I feel better knowing that it'll pass soon-ish.
The nights are drawing out thankfully, most nights, I now get home before it's pitch dark, which makes such a difference. A couple of weeks ago, I got home in time to open the curtains because I still had about 30 minutes light left, it was wonderful.
I don't have much appetite but I'm eating bits and bobs, it won't do me any harm and I'm not going to starve. I got to see my darling Great Niece a couple of weekends ago, CJ told me I was hired as I managed to rock her to sleep. She is so beautiful and I know I'm expected to say that, but she really is. God I hope she likes me when she's big enough to decide.
Really wishing I could hop on a plane, sleep for 24 hours and meet you at the other end, we'd then head to Raglan so that I could have the plane air and the cobwebs blown off me while we walked and chatted with the sand beneath us. What do you think?
Well, I survived Christmas, it wasn't that it was bad, it was just different and stressful. I spent it with family that I haven't spent Christmas with for a long time, and it was lovely for that reason.
New Year was quiet, just me and Bryan, Bryan Adams. OK, I was here and Bryan was in London sounding spectacular. I went out, as per usual with my coal, salt, bread and silver, let time tick over, watched a few fireworks then let myself back in. Sounds a bit pathetic I know, but, it's just tradition, even if I'm the only one who knows that I do it. No phone calls this year and the mobile network seemed to be on the blink so lots of messages could not be sent, but it was still good. I was in bed shortly after midnight and it didn't take me long to drop off.
January was a bit of a blur, it's always hard work trying to get back into a routine after the Christmas break. The break makes me realise that what I normally do, is not normal. For instance, I didn't wake once naturally, before 7am the whole time I was off. My usual waking time for work is 4.40am, by alarm. I rest my case. Work is busy but I'm taking that as a blessing.
For Christmas, I treated myself to a book by Jillian Michaels, (you know... "The Biggest Loser" coach,) it's called "Unlimited" and I absolutely love it. I love how it makes me think and I love her writing style, I can hear her voice in my head as I read. She has helped me recognise things in myself, she has helped me to see how to make my life better. I can tell you now, I'm going to read it, again and again.
On TV at the moment is the carnage that is...'The Jump' and the reason I am watching this is that my crush of twenty plus years.... Mr Dean Cain is competing. That is the one and only reason I'm watching this. 25% of the celebs can ski and are competitive, 25% have never skied but genuinely want to give it a good go, and 75% are attention seeking desperadoes screaming 'look at me'. I'm kidding, that was a joke, I have one friend who hates with a passion anyone using over 100% in total, you know the drill, giving it 200% etc. I did of course mean 99% of the celebs are desperate attention seekers.
The Monday before Valentine's Day, I started to feel unwell, Thursday, my eldest sister turned 70. I haven't quite got my head around that yet, in fact, I'm probably going to park that for a few years. I continued to feel dreadful for the next couple of weeks, terrible cough, aching, no energy, freezing cold but sweaty. I was getting home from work at 5.15pm and was in bed and asleep by 6.30pm, night after night. After a couple of weeks, I got a Dr's appointment and as suspected, I have a virus with flu like symptoms. Doesn't help me but I feel better knowing that it'll pass soon-ish.
The nights are drawing out thankfully, most nights, I now get home before it's pitch dark, which makes such a difference. A couple of weeks ago, I got home in time to open the curtains because I still had about 30 minutes light left, it was wonderful.
I don't have much appetite but I'm eating bits and bobs, it won't do me any harm and I'm not going to starve. I got to see my darling Great Niece a couple of weekends ago, CJ told me I was hired as I managed to rock her to sleep. She is so beautiful and I know I'm expected to say that, but she really is. God I hope she likes me when she's big enough to decide.
Really wishing I could hop on a plane, sleep for 24 hours and meet you at the other end, we'd then head to Raglan so that I could have the plane air and the cobwebs blown off me while we walked and chatted with the sand beneath us. What do you think?
Monday, 28 December 2015
Christmas Hello....
Three weeks before Christmas and an Audi ran into the back of me after a Ford Focus smashed into her. The Ford was a write off and I thank God that the Audi was between me and the Ford, or me and mine would have been a write off too. I was a nervous wreck driving for a few weeks with constant over checking in my rear view mirrors, but no actual damage to me or my car.
By the time Christmas Eve arrived, I had said 'those' words, the words that makes the Grinch rub his hands with glee, those words that kill angels and neutralises star dust... I uttered; 'I can't wait for Christmas to be over.'
I know, as the words left my mouth, I heard clocks seize and magic die. You know that I didn't mean it. I was just so done with family drama and petulant behaviour, that I said something that I didn't mean.
Christmas Eve arrives and I have lots of baby cuddles with my new baby Great Niece EG, I leave CJ's (my darling nephew's) and head to my sister's who is the new Nanna, to deposit presents. Jan is showing me a video of EG managing to cover her face with her bib, all on her own. As we watch the video again and again, one of the new Grandparent cards taped to the back of the hall door falls to the ground.
'Hi Mum', Jan and I look at each other as I acknowledge that Mum is around. We are used to the occasional "appearance" and I think it's important to acknowledge it, I believe it must take great effort. When it's time to leave, I approach the door with roughly twenty-five cards taped to the back of the door. I reach to pick up the card that has fallen from the middle of the arrangement, the card looks familiar and as I open it and peek inside, it's the card that I sent to the new Grandparents, fallen, from the centre of the display, amidst all of the other cards.
By the time Christmas Eve arrived, I had said 'those' words, the words that makes the Grinch rub his hands with glee, those words that kill angels and neutralises star dust... I uttered; 'I can't wait for Christmas to be over.'
I know, as the words left my mouth, I heard clocks seize and magic die. You know that I didn't mean it. I was just so done with family drama and petulant behaviour, that I said something that I didn't mean.
Christmas Eve arrives and I have lots of baby cuddles with my new baby Great Niece EG, I leave CJ's (my darling nephew's) and head to my sister's who is the new Nanna, to deposit presents. Jan is showing me a video of EG managing to cover her face with her bib, all on her own. As we watch the video again and again, one of the new Grandparent cards taped to the back of the hall door falls to the ground.
'Hi Mum', Jan and I look at each other as I acknowledge that Mum is around. We are used to the occasional "appearance" and I think it's important to acknowledge it, I believe it must take great effort. When it's time to leave, I approach the door with roughly twenty-five cards taped to the back of the door. I reach to pick up the card that has fallen from the middle of the arrangement, the card looks familiar and as I open it and peek inside, it's the card that I sent to the new Grandparents, fallen, from the centre of the display, amidst all of the other cards.
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