My horoscope today, curtesy of Sally Brompton tells me... "It may at times seem like your life has no meaning, but you know that isn't true. There is a pattern to your existence that is easier to see on some days than on others, and just because you can't see it now does not mean it isn't there. Look a little harder - it's waiting to be found."
Feel like that was written just for me. I have been struggling for a few months and feel selfish because of it. I continue to look.
It's the Men's Final at Wimbledon today and you may remember that I have a very soft spot for Mr Federer and after a few years, my Roger is back, for a historic potential eighth Wimbledon win.
I love how much the history of Wimbledon means so much to the players.
I've started running again. I say running... it's more of a slow jog but I feel like I'm spiralling into negativity, even depression and the last time I ran, I felt mentally more resilient. I have to find a way to at the least... slow the spiral of decent.
It's a couple of years since I ran but on Monday, I jogged for one song, Tuesday = two songs, Wednesday = three songs and by Friday, I was jogging for fifteen minutes. You know how in 'Men in Black', they have that neutraliser gun thingy which wipes memories? That's what running does for me. I get home, pull on my Nike's and iPod and take a step, fifteen minutes later, my brain seems to have had the day's frustrations erased. I need to stick with this.
You know how every time we WhatsApp chat you offer me a free bed? Well, brace yourself but I'm thinking about taking you up on the offer. I miss you so much and the thought of being in your presence and of walking on Raglan Beach is too inviting. Any money I have to save will always be earmarked for something, a new kitchen, decorating, new carpets, a 'new' second hand car, the garden etc. but what if I'm dead next week? What's the point? I'm looking up prices for flights, love you x
Friday, 21 July 2017
Sunday, 9 July 2017
Life's a Beach
Hi Col,
I know that I shouldn't complain, (which is the queue so that you know that I am indeed about to.) No one died, no one is ill, I've just had a horrible week at work. Rising at 4.30am, arriving at work before 6, working straight through without a break until almost 6pm then home for 7. Just enough time to shower, blast head dry, throw a salad down me and watch an hour of TV before it's time to go to bed, .
Did I mention that I keep waking up at 3am and then that's it for the night?
I'm exhausted, cried myself to sleep at least twice this week, feel like I'm failing all of the tine and I wonder... what the actual reason is for me being here at all.
Anyway, I made it to the end of Friday.
I'm not managing my emotions very well at the moment, thinking of changing phone so that I can download an app to help me out. You and I both know that it's nothing a walk along a beach couldn't fix, but that's not an option is it?
Why am I here?
I love you x
I know that I shouldn't complain, (which is the queue so that you know that I am indeed about to.) No one died, no one is ill, I've just had a horrible week at work. Rising at 4.30am, arriving at work before 6, working straight through without a break until almost 6pm then home for 7. Just enough time to shower, blast head dry, throw a salad down me and watch an hour of TV before it's time to go to bed, .
Did I mention that I keep waking up at 3am and then that's it for the night?
I'm exhausted, cried myself to sleep at least twice this week, feel like I'm failing all of the tine and I wonder... what the actual reason is for me being here at all.
Anyway, I made it to the end of Friday.
I'm not managing my emotions very well at the moment, thinking of changing phone so that I can download an app to help me out. You and I both know that it's nothing a walk along a beach couldn't fix, but that's not an option is it?
Why am I here?
I love you x
Sunday, 25 June 2017
Live a Little, You Might Like It.
Hi Col,
As I write today, I'm watching Foo Fighters at Glasto, and enjoying a very nourishing, home made, organic chicken and veg soup. Yes... I'm hung over. Really can't beat chicken soup to cure what ails you. And yes, I do remember you're practically veggie but it's true.
So there is a good reason why I'm hung over; I was fund raising. I was really... in a fashion. T&A, organised, no wait, that doesn't look right at all; Tracy and Amanda organised a 'Disco' night for the local hospice.
The usual suspects were there and all that was missing was you and R, and Gary who was mid-flight on the way home from working in NZ for four weeks. It's amazing how we all click isn't it? You don't see someone for months, or longer in our case, and the minute you're back together, it's like you only saw each other yesterday. These friendships will never expire, thank God.
I had such a great time. It's not that I didn't want to go to the event, but it's so long since I've gone to anything like that, (because I never go out,) it was almost too much effort. Didn't sleep well Friday night so I was tired, didn't know what to wear, how was I going to get home, I only have one more day left until I have to go back to work and I'm going to be even more tired. The list was endless but I did really want to go and wouldn't let down.....T&A ;)
Friends and family showed up in force. Our friends kids, those little bundles we were around for the birth of, are now... yep, taller than us, working, travelling, going to Uni, just like those bundles at your end, the bundles at this end are all grown up and fine examples. You have all done such a great job.
We all had a good catch up, Malcolm and I shared our shock at becoming Belieber's at this late stage, (we both, loved Despacito without realising who it was by,) we both love Miley Cyrus' Malibu (co written with Ed of course.) I missed the whole Hannah Montana thing but M had lived through it with the Grand kids and even the movie, (four times!) So, M was shocked to love Malibu.
I got stealthily flirted with, yes, he was so young, I didn't even see it coming. There must have been just the right about of darkness on the dance floor for him to confuse me with someone twenty plus years younger than him. (Totally innocent.) #Mademynight
Last night reminded me to take a leap, take a step. Get out into the world. There are a million reasons to stay home. One reason to get out....
Life.
As I write today, I'm watching Foo Fighters at Glasto, and enjoying a very nourishing, home made, organic chicken and veg soup. Yes... I'm hung over. Really can't beat chicken soup to cure what ails you. And yes, I do remember you're practically veggie but it's true.
So there is a good reason why I'm hung over; I was fund raising. I was really... in a fashion. T&A, organised, no wait, that doesn't look right at all; Tracy and Amanda organised a 'Disco' night for the local hospice.
The usual suspects were there and all that was missing was you and R, and Gary who was mid-flight on the way home from working in NZ for four weeks. It's amazing how we all click isn't it? You don't see someone for months, or longer in our case, and the minute you're back together, it's like you only saw each other yesterday. These friendships will never expire, thank God.
I had such a great time. It's not that I didn't want to go to the event, but it's so long since I've gone to anything like that, (because I never go out,) it was almost too much effort. Didn't sleep well Friday night so I was tired, didn't know what to wear, how was I going to get home, I only have one more day left until I have to go back to work and I'm going to be even more tired. The list was endless but I did really want to go and wouldn't let down.....T&A ;)
Friends and family showed up in force. Our friends kids, those little bundles we were around for the birth of, are now... yep, taller than us, working, travelling, going to Uni, just like those bundles at your end, the bundles at this end are all grown up and fine examples. You have all done such a great job.
We all had a good catch up, Malcolm and I shared our shock at becoming Belieber's at this late stage, (we both, loved Despacito without realising who it was by,) we both love Miley Cyrus' Malibu (co written with Ed of course.) I missed the whole Hannah Montana thing but M had lived through it with the Grand kids and even the movie, (four times!) So, M was shocked to love Malibu.
I got stealthily flirted with, yes, he was so young, I didn't even see it coming. There must have been just the right about of darkness on the dance floor for him to confuse me with someone twenty plus years younger than him. (Totally innocent.) #Mademynight
Last night reminded me to take a leap, take a step. Get out into the world. There are a million reasons to stay home. One reason to get out....
Life.
Hoarders Not So Annonymous
My visit to the Docs was followed by a very quick coffee, a recycle, a load up of the car with garden waste and a trip to the tip.... and then I descended on Bee to have round two of the great Garage de-Clutter.
We worked quick and dirty, starting off with manoeuvring a giant, Axminster 30 year old carpet complete with underlay still attached, (aka... a heavy carpet,) which we Stanley knifed into smaller 30 year old carpets complete with underlay attached. So heavy.
On unearthing bags and boxes of electrical stuff, wall sockets, wire, adaptors. I spouted how it's all been been exposed to the elements and it all just might electrocute someone. She unwillingly let it all go.
Two dozen paint pots / sample pots, all opened, had to explain how everything now has an opened expiry date and an unopened expiry date. So, can of paint, grout, etc. which have been opened for 30 years........... are really no good.
Everything I picked up, I had to justify, but my sister did a really great job at de-cluttering. For an unofficial hoarder, she was brilliant, very proud of her.
We worked quick and dirty, starting off with manoeuvring a giant, Axminster 30 year old carpet complete with underlay still attached, (aka... a heavy carpet,) which we Stanley knifed into smaller 30 year old carpets complete with underlay attached. So heavy.
On unearthing bags and boxes of electrical stuff, wall sockets, wire, adaptors. I spouted how it's all been been exposed to the elements and it all just might electrocute someone. She unwillingly let it all go.
Two dozen paint pots / sample pots, all opened, had to explain how everything now has an opened expiry date and an unopened expiry date. So, can of paint, grout, etc. which have been opened for 30 years........... are really no good.
Everything I picked up, I had to justify, but my sister did a really great job at de-cluttering. For an unofficial hoarder, she was brilliant, very proud of her.
Friday, 23 June 2017
Dr's
I told you recently about my visit to the nurse; BP, up, cholesterol, 'sky rocketed' since last time it was checked. Well today I had to visit my GP. It was the follow up to my nurses appointment. My name actually appeared on the notification board a couple of minutes before my appointment time... bonus.
I knock on the door and let myself into the Doctor's office.
'Saw the nurse recently and my BP was high again.'
'Can you put your bag down? Relax into the chair.'
'The chair is not very comfortable.'
'Think about sitting in a chair, maybe in a nice hotel room, you're on holiday.'
I immediately transported myself to rough and ready Raglan Beach with you, but I was sitting in the sand and not on an uncomfortable chair.
'That's fine, a tad low actually.'
We agree I'll have my BP checked in three months and I'll buy a new monitor for home as my old one is so old, I need to be checking at home more regularly.
'The nurse gave me a cholesterol lecture. Can I just ask what my cholesterol split was? I know that the 'good' and 'bad' cholesterol added together equal your score. Nurse told me I have sky rocketed but I didn't ask for the split.'
'Your hdl is a super duper 2.7, that's a good 1.0 higher than average, that's what's pushing up your score. Your cholesterol reading is really good.'
Told my GP that I'd been really worried, she's going to have a word with the nurse who delivered the worrying results because, my results are actually giving a false reading if you go by normal standards.
I think that what was worrying me the most is that I know that my diet is super healthy. As Jan said; 'If your cholesterol is high, Lord help the rest of us.' I eat so well that I thought it must be genetic, and I don't know what to do with genetic.
Anyway, panic over. Whatever I'm doing diet wise, I'm doing really well. I'm healthy, never hungry, I'm practically swimming in good fats, so I'm going to continue with more of the same.
I'm so lucky to like veg and fruit, must be a nightmare if you don't.
Dr's appointment was followed by a Starbucks coffee at my usual haunt, (which reminds me,) when I showed up midweek, I was greeted with; 'We've been really worried about you!' This is because I was away last weekend and one of the Supervisors was away the week before, so I seemed to have been MIA for ages. Thought it was lovely that I was 'worried about', but it's probably a bit sad? No, I'm going to take it as lovely.
I knock on the door and let myself into the Doctor's office.
'Saw the nurse recently and my BP was high again.'
'Can you put your bag down? Relax into the chair.'
'The chair is not very comfortable.'
'Think about sitting in a chair, maybe in a nice hotel room, you're on holiday.'
I immediately transported myself to rough and ready Raglan Beach with you, but I was sitting in the sand and not on an uncomfortable chair.
'That's fine, a tad low actually.'
We agree I'll have my BP checked in three months and I'll buy a new monitor for home as my old one is so old, I need to be checking at home more regularly.
'The nurse gave me a cholesterol lecture. Can I just ask what my cholesterol split was? I know that the 'good' and 'bad' cholesterol added together equal your score. Nurse told me I have sky rocketed but I didn't ask for the split.'
'Your hdl is a super duper 2.7, that's a good 1.0 higher than average, that's what's pushing up your score. Your cholesterol reading is really good.'
Told my GP that I'd been really worried, she's going to have a word with the nurse who delivered the worrying results because, my results are actually giving a false reading if you go by normal standards.
I think that what was worrying me the most is that I know that my diet is super healthy. As Jan said; 'If your cholesterol is high, Lord help the rest of us.' I eat so well that I thought it must be genetic, and I don't know what to do with genetic.
Anyway, panic over. Whatever I'm doing diet wise, I'm doing really well. I'm healthy, never hungry, I'm practically swimming in good fats, so I'm going to continue with more of the same.
I'm so lucky to like veg and fruit, must be a nightmare if you don't.
Dr's appointment was followed by a Starbucks coffee at my usual haunt, (which reminds me,) when I showed up midweek, I was greeted with; 'We've been really worried about you!' This is because I was away last weekend and one of the Supervisors was away the week before, so I seemed to have been MIA for ages. Thought it was lovely that I was 'worried about', but it's probably a bit sad? No, I'm going to take it as lovely.
Tuesday, 20 June 2017
Green and Pleasant Land
You know Col, the UK, given the right weather, is lush and beautifully green. The Hampshire forests remind me so much of the North Wales adventures which illustrated my childhood. The dappled light cast by the various forests are so beautiful. I could quite easily move to this part of the world if it wasn't for family ties. But if I was going to move... I would probably move towards you if legalities allowed.
Jane Austen's Chawton was beautiful. Did you ever watch Midsummer Murders? Beautiful, picturesque, slightly menacing? That's what I thought... kidding. So perfect, so beautiful, will definitely visit again.
After the physio on Monday, I had a couple of hours with Everly and then it was time for the dentist. Feel free to queue dramatic music here. I haven't had a check up for three years but I've had tooth ache for probably twelve months. I always hope/pray for my teeth to heal themselves and eventually get forced into submission.
One check up later and the intense ache I've been feeling is probably from gum infection as the multiple x-rays show up zilch, except for the £1k treatment plan which involves multiple hygienist visits. Well, I suppose it all evens out. It's my choice to go to a private dentist, I haven't been for three years so if you divide the total by three years....
Just happy that the teeth are holding up to be honest. I've invested in those tiny weeny inter dental brushes so from now on, I need to be supper dedicated to my dental hygiene.
Jane Austen's Chawton was beautiful. Did you ever watch Midsummer Murders? Beautiful, picturesque, slightly menacing? That's what I thought... kidding. So perfect, so beautiful, will definitely visit again.
After the physio on Monday, I had a couple of hours with Everly and then it was time for the dentist. Feel free to queue dramatic music here. I haven't had a check up for three years but I've had tooth ache for probably twelve months. I always hope/pray for my teeth to heal themselves and eventually get forced into submission.
One check up later and the intense ache I've been feeling is probably from gum infection as the multiple x-rays show up zilch, except for the £1k treatment plan which involves multiple hygienist visits. Well, I suppose it all evens out. It's my choice to go to a private dentist, I haven't been for three years so if you divide the total by three years....
Just happy that the teeth are holding up to be honest. I've invested in those tiny weeny inter dental brushes so from now on, I need to be supper dedicated to my dental hygiene.
Asymetical Me
Hi Col, it's Me! I'm sorry these are few and far between, just seem to have lost my will to write for now, I hope it's only for now.
I'm on leave and I feel so much less stressed than usual. Just had a weekend down South with my amazing friends there but it seemed a bit fraught. I always tell them; don't drop everything because I'm coming down, they are all busy and they all have lives of their own and I know how precious weekends are, this time, yep, I clashed with 'life' and I didn't get to see everyone as much as possible but that IS life.
I saw the kiddos who are now almost 8, almost 4 and a very gummy but hugely charming almost 2. I love those kids. I know that they don't know me from Adam but they are very dear to my heart, as are their parents.
Visited Jane Austen's house at Chawton on Friday, it was amazing to walk the same floor boards. 200 years since her death. Met a lovely couple there on honeymoon from Ohio. All I could conjure was 'fields?' That's all I know of Ohio but it sounds beautiful. I imagines waves of wheat, wafting in the breeze. They were doing a whistle stop tour of the UK.
So I flew down from Thursday to Sunday evening, Jan collected me from the airport on Sunday night. Had to practically throw myself in the road in front of Jan, it's drop off/pick up only with no waiting/loitering allowed, so if you miss them, or can't scramble to the front of the crowd, you have to wait for your ride to circle the airport again.
Monday I had a busy day. Jan has CJ's daughter Monday's and Thursday's so Monday, I'd planned to be there as much as possible. Arrived at Jan's about 9.30, Everly can now say my name... be still my heart, what a difference three months has made. I spent an hour playing in the garden. I was worried that Everly may have forgotten me but she was happy to give me kisses and to sit on my knee and to be lifted up by me. Doesn't seem like five minutes since her Dada was in my arms.
At 11, I had physio finally for my hip thing. Physio thinks it probably was Bursitis and has given me exercises to do, (I need to strengthen core mainly.) She asked if I'd broken any bones in my youth, turns out I'm asymmetrical. Knee creases in line, dimples on bum in line but one hip is higher than the other so irregularity is in my femur bone. I have lots of asymmetries, I think it's because I was a later in life baby... or maybe I'm just 'different' ;)
I'm on leave and I feel so much less stressed than usual. Just had a weekend down South with my amazing friends there but it seemed a bit fraught. I always tell them; don't drop everything because I'm coming down, they are all busy and they all have lives of their own and I know how precious weekends are, this time, yep, I clashed with 'life' and I didn't get to see everyone as much as possible but that IS life.
I saw the kiddos who are now almost 8, almost 4 and a very gummy but hugely charming almost 2. I love those kids. I know that they don't know me from Adam but they are very dear to my heart, as are their parents.
Visited Jane Austen's house at Chawton on Friday, it was amazing to walk the same floor boards. 200 years since her death. Met a lovely couple there on honeymoon from Ohio. All I could conjure was 'fields?' That's all I know of Ohio but it sounds beautiful. I imagines waves of wheat, wafting in the breeze. They were doing a whistle stop tour of the UK.
So I flew down from Thursday to Sunday evening, Jan collected me from the airport on Sunday night. Had to practically throw myself in the road in front of Jan, it's drop off/pick up only with no waiting/loitering allowed, so if you miss them, or can't scramble to the front of the crowd, you have to wait for your ride to circle the airport again.
Monday I had a busy day. Jan has CJ's daughter Monday's and Thursday's so Monday, I'd planned to be there as much as possible. Arrived at Jan's about 9.30, Everly can now say my name... be still my heart, what a difference three months has made. I spent an hour playing in the garden. I was worried that Everly may have forgotten me but she was happy to give me kisses and to sit on my knee and to be lifted up by me. Doesn't seem like five minutes since her Dada was in my arms.
At 11, I had physio finally for my hip thing. Physio thinks it probably was Bursitis and has given me exercises to do, (I need to strengthen core mainly.) She asked if I'd broken any bones in my youth, turns out I'm asymmetrical. Knee creases in line, dimples on bum in line but one hip is higher than the other so irregularity is in my femur bone. I have lots of asymmetries, I think it's because I was a later in life baby... or maybe I'm just 'different' ;)
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