Christmas

Hi Col,  well, this was probably my worst Christmas since the one that came a month after I lost Mum, so many years ago.  Christmas week and Jan was run off the road by a lorry who didn't see her while she was driving grand baby home.  Both physically OK, Jan traumatised as any of us would be, Everly none the wiser, thank God.  I've been in extra support mode to anyone who needs me this week, this is my role in this life clearly.

Christmas Day, I have six hours of company.  That's a lot I realise and I'm not complaining, but that's the least I've had so far in this life and I know that this will decrease as the years tick over now.

Anyway, I have plans for the coming year.  This is my to-do list so far:

Practice saying No

Don't always put others before yourself (this is never going go happen)

Take better care of yourself, (we shall see.)

Get stronger / workout more

Try yoga

Be vigilant about your mental health

Deal with stress in a healthy way

Learn to articulate your feelings, (this is going to be a toughie.)

Honestly not sure I will succeed at all or any of the above in the coming twelve months but I think it's important to recognise what's needed, even if some of it gets shelved for a while.

Jan's been having a really hard time since the accident.  Logic goes out of the window when you have post traumatic stress and are completely freaked out by the thought of what might have been.  A few days after the accident, I was feeling the weight of being the only sister to be able to offer support, Jan came down stairs to find a wind up musical Christmas ornament that Mum had given her and hubby many years ago, playing and twirling all on it's own.  Hubby in the garage, Jan upstairs with dog, no one else around.  'Have I popped too many pills?' asked Jan.  No... that's all Mum.  I think it was Mum checking in not only for Jan but for me too.

Rings... to be continued x

Messy

I'm all for the rah-rah, we're strong, we can do this, we are beautiful army.  Except, that I'm that girl waiting to be picked for rounders.  If I'm picked for netball it's only because I'm10 years old and 5ft 6" and can be tree like, #exceedinglylongarms.

I started writing this days ago and now, I have forgotten my point so I'm just going to jump right in to what I think was the gist ...I'm finding it more and more difficult to maintain positivity.  It's true, I have to try to find the positive every single day and no, it does not come naturally nor do I necessarily find it.  I don't want to be one of those horrible, uptight, drags the day down kind of a person but lately I feel like I've become that.

It's a couple of weeks later and... I got the job.  Remember the job that I applied for one thousand years ago?  There was a lot of to-ing and fro-ing and a lot of miss communication, my department is dreadful at communicating clearly, apparently.  The main thing is, I'm so relieved I got the job and next year will bring a new start.  My 'big' boss's parting words were, 'my door is always open, I know it was a huge decision for you to leave and if in a couple of months, you think you've made a mistake, come and talk to me.'

Great to think the door is always open but shame they didn't want to do enough for me to want to stay in the first place.

Life is messy, let's just get on with it eh?

Reasons to Celebrate

Guess what?  We have a princess in waiting in the form of Meghan Markle.  Meghan, like Kate was born to this role, of that I have no doubt.  I also have no doubt that the Princes Mother ensured that the perfect other half came into the lives of her boys.  Could Kate or Meghan be more perfect to join the firm?  I think not.

Well it's about time, both boys deserve every happiness.  Don't know about you but I can't wait for the Royal Wedding next year.  The Prince has paid his dues, it's time to be happy.

Reasons to be Thankful

After a horrible few days at work, on Wednesday, I waved work goodbye for eleven days of leave.  I still haven't heard about the job and I spent two days trying to give a home email address to HR so that I can at last be put out of my misery over whether or not I got the job.  Just tell me for heavens sake.

Mentally, I'm not doing great.  Someone told me this week to "speak up for yourself".  I've never done that and I don't know how to do so calmly and rationally.  I always assume that if I'm being unfairly treated, there must be a reason for it, the person thinks I can deal with it and so I should be able to, or I'm so obnoxious to be around....

Thursday I fly off to my friends down south.  I've been nursing earache all week and I'm dreading the flight but we're on time, first time with this airline in ages, and I deliberately yawn through the flight to keep popping ears and I'm fine.  The weather is kind all weekend, dry but bitterly cold, it's perfect, except that I'm frozen to the bone for most of it.

Apart from soaking up my lovely friends and their kids, dog and cat, I was trying to absorb what I like and what I don't like.  Dear brother-in-law retires next year and for the past few years, he's been earmarked for jobs around here, around my home.

What's that called?  I love it!  This I fire at Mark.  I'm thinking it's some kind of shutter board, that's my name for it.  'It's ship lap"  "Ship lack!"  "Ship lap, as in lap dance"  not going to go in that direction but thank you Mark, now I know what it's called.  I've also made a mental note of colours, putty, sea blue, sea green, grey, love love love them.  So me.

Loved my time away, Sunday was lunch with the kiddos, me, anti-sticky freak, per ma  covered in antibacterial gel freak, was during lunch, had one hand washed in apple juice after partially saving a spillage by Joshi and the other hand covered in spaghetti bolognaise from Ellie who is only two and loves to eat her spaghetti with her fingers and then holds my hand with her two, Bolognaise covered tiny hands.

You know what?  For all the antibacterial gel, or tea in China... wouldn't change it for a second, sticky or not.

Flight home is smooth, I'm so tired I try to nod on the short flight, something I've never done before.  Jan and Dear Brother in law pick me up from the airport, we chat the whole way home and I'm so proud of myself when I get home, everything is away and pristine in the kitchen, I must have been possessed before I left.

Most of Monday is spent with Everly Grace.  My baby great niece and when I look into those blue eyes, I see her Daddy.  Time goes by so quickly and if you haven't witnessed this yet, then trust me, it truly does.  I won't fawn over her or try to buy her affection, I will love her from afar, hopefully she'll feel it one day.

Oh and why do I feel like there is a little brother in waiting?

Anniversary

Hi Col, not sure I'm going to publish this but just felt the need to write.

I don't know how many oceans are between us but we share a couple of anniversaries over a couple of weeks right?

Not sure what it's like over with you Col, but over here, it's an odd time.  Everyone is so excited for Halloween then the 5th, Gun powder, Treason and Plot etc. then it's officially the run up to Christmas.  I'm all about acting scared when I open the door to little Hob Goblins on Halloween then from 1st November, Christmas begins to materialise before your very eyes.  I still have to get through 5th November though.

This week has driven me a little nuts.  Tuesday was Halloween, happy, happy, happy.  Wednesday it was really bugging me that I still hadn't heard about the job I'd applied for.  I'd got to the point where I really didn't care anymore... just tell me if I got through to interview or not... please just put me out of my misery.

Thursday I found out that I had an interview for next week.  Not going to stress over it, I'll do my best but if it's meant to be it's meant to be.

Friday I was off work and went work boot shopping with Jan, I'm currently walking/jogging 10 miles a day and needed new work footwear more than ever.  I got some ankle boots which are quite stiff around the back of my lower calf but my feet are comfy at least and they are Gortex too which I think is waterproof.  Bonus.

Sunday, the 5th, is of course rubbish but I got a couple of signs, as I arrived for coffee, part of a rainbow was right in front of me, on the way home from coffee, I had Gregory Porter singing Smile to me.  Both the rainbow and that song have a special meaning to me on this day so, I will gratefully and graciously accept them.

We began the day with icy rain, then came the sunshine, now we have a pastel blue sky.  I don't remember the weather fourteen years ago today, all a bit of a blur.

You're absolutely right... concentrate on the happy times, will try to remember that for next year x

72 Baps Connie

So, I was full of a cold the week leading up to Sister's party, powered through with the help of cold remedy tablets and balm infused tissues.  I'd been drafted in months ago to assist with the room decorating and the food prep.  Being knee deep in snotty tissues is not the best situation to be in when you're on food prep duty but Thursday was very minimal chores like making room in the fridge for the prepped party food so not too contentious plus I was covered in hand sanitizer.  By Friday, day of the party, I was doing better.  Not great you understand but not dripping into anything I shouldn't be dripping into.

We, (sister and grown up nieces,) converged on function room around 10am to decorate and make tired room look pretty.  We got creative with the table cloths, scissors were involved, and the aged DJ was already there setting up for the night.

After the dressing of the room ceremony, my eldest niece and I headed over to eldest Sister's for serious food prep.  I mean serious Col, we're talking 4 solid hours, standing up, buttering bread ready for fillings.  Lea, (niece,) was in charge of fillings.  I was spreading like a pro.  I defy anyone to butter bread quicker or more diligently than me.

Anyway, eventually, everything was made or stabbed (sausages, cheese etc.)

As I'm about to leave Sister's, Cousin messages me to say she's in vicinity and ready to head over to mine where she'll be staying after the party.  We converge at mine, I make tea and then hit the floor, literally, I feel like I have a dagger between my shoulder blades after hours of buttering and so I hit the floor, laying on my rolled up length ways yoga mat and then my extra long, (yes I have a long body,) foam roller to stretch out my back and diligently remove the dagger from between my shoulder blades.

Ten minutes later and my back is feeling much less dagger stricken.  We lounge for an hour and then begin to get ready for the party.

I decide to wear the Coast dress that I got on sale a couple of years ago.  I've only worn it once, for Sheila's last big birthday and wondered if I'd be overdressed, (I was,) but aimed high regardless.  (Looks great standing up by the way, forgot how short it is once sitting.)

Not going to lie, was dreading party.  I, as you know, am Switzerland.  I'm neutral, I talk to everyone in the family, regardless of whether they have been a total bitch to me in the past, and I temper that with nostalgia and an unwavering regard of 'family', or, at least the Disney version of 'family', which of course is completely fictional.  Anyway, regardless of my outlook, the rest of the family are divided into camps, for reasons too numerous to mention.

The party was as much of a car wreck as I imagined but... it could have been much worse and on the bright side, it's over with.

Party wrapped at midnight.  After goodbyes, dear BIL was driving and we set out over newly opened, (at midnight,) local bridge, one of the largest infrastructure projects in the UK, in Europe.  History and memories were made tonight which will be with me always.

Friday Hell

It's Friday evening and I'm sitting here in a bad mood with a glass of wine.  I actually got to leave work early for once, (they still owe me over thirty hours back so I think I can leave an hour early.)  Anyway, it took me almost two hours to crawl 18 miles through incessant roadworks, all of my plans arranged around being home early have been shot to pieces and so I'm frustrated and annoyed.

Did I tell you I was going to apply for a new job?  Since the ad went out last week, I've been pretty laid back about it, what will be will be, if I'm supposed to get it I'll get it etc.  Time is running out on me getting my application in and this morning, I woke with the thought... I need this job, this is supposed to be, this could literally change my life.  I'm not talking mega changes you understand, just small ones like, if you need a doctor's appointment, you don't have to wait six weeks to get one so that it fits in with work.  I won't need to get up at 4.26am, five days a week.  I won't have to drive through snow risking life and limb if I don't have to.  On days I work at home, I would be able to visit Everly for an hour on my lunch on the day's that Jan has her.  I won't be too exhausted to do anything, on my evenings or on my day's off.  I can do a proper workout because there will be spare hours in the day.  There is a lot banking on this new job.  Which isn't great is it?