Hells Bells, (Helen) has made JR and I leek and potato soup, Mark is out and we don't eat until about 8pm which is really late for me, I've been up since 6 and had quite a stressful day, (stressed out anyway with work and then my lift to the airport was running super late then the flight etc. etc.) and so I'm rapidly falling asleep. I have however been freezing cold for most of the day but the soup is warming and delicious.
JR and I are home by 10pm. I wash my face, brush teeth and dive into my bed. I'm unconscious before I know it.
Friday morning and I wake after having slept like a log. It's freezing cold but it's a bright morning. After a leisurely breakfast followed by a power shower, God I love JR's guest shower, JR and I head out to Stansted House for lunch. We're early so we wander around the plant sale before taking a table in the Orangery. I order a pot of tea for JR and a coffee for me and the snow begins to fall. I take out my phone to take a picture and I have a missed call from my ex manager at work. Probably a pocket dial but unlikely so I text; "Hi, did you mean to call me or was it a mistake? Call me if you need me."
Message comes back to me immediately; "You've won half of the work charity lottery." I've won £527, can you believe it Col? Was already planning new kitchen, hopefully Summer time and so this is going to my kitchen fund. I have to keep stopping myself from saying "I can't believe it!" Because apparently that sends all the wrong signals into the Universe. (I know what you're thinking but I, well, I've been reading a lot about this stuff and I'm willing to keep an open mind... just in cases ;) And, this next bit is going to sound a bit odd as I'm pre disposed to thinking, "that's not going to happen" or leaning towards the negative when it involves me, but I actually thought I was going to win it the week before, had a really strong feeling but then there were no winners and then I had the worst week in work and then I was I was on holiday and didn't give that Friday a second thought. What do you make of that?
Saturday, 24 February 2018
Wednesday, 14 February 2018
Flight of Fancy
Bee getting pneumonia and being hospitalised was a shock, it's amazing how quickly these events happen, one minute everything is fine and the next, you're using SatNav to find a hospital. I visited most nights straight from work, leaving home at 5.05am and returning at 7.50pm, I was exhausted but not visiting wasn't an option that I would choose.
Thank God, after just over a week, Bee was allowed to return home, she has a good few weeks of taking it easy ahead of her but at least she's over the worst.
A few days later and I'm flying down to Southampton, there was a flight sale on which Jan alerted me to and so having leave to use up before March, I booked to go away for the weekend and visit my friends down there.
I'm lucky with the weather, it's been bitterly cold for a good week now and I've been fogged in before now at the airport waiting to fly down but everything is fine today and I'm on board and we depart on schedule.
As I board and make my way to 20D, I approach my row and politely say to 20C, Hello, excuse me but I'm there, (and point to highlight my window seat.) My flying partner for today is a very statuesque elderly lady. She gets up out of her seat and stands aside, by about 2 inches. Thank you, but I'm not that thin. Co-passenger shuffles a little further into the aisle to allow me to slide in to my seat. From there, I have to belt myself up and then belt up my co-passenger as she was sitting on her belt initially.
Lovely lady barely drawers breath for the entire flight. Well travelled, no children, widow, husband was Tom, one step-child, doesn't live near-by. Step daughter-in-law dresses inappropriately for age. Has three trips planned so far this year, the next being The Little Trains of the Pyrenees. She will be 86 on Sunday, same day as eldest Sister and her Mother, who she talked extensively about, was named Dorothy, the same as mine.
Having cried through most of yesterday evening over work, to now find myself next to this lady who, for the entire flight I am unable to think of anything that is worrying me because I'm engaged in conversation, and now to find that her Mum's name is Dorothy. Do we think this is a coincidence?
Elderly lady is a VIP in that she needs assistance, the thing with this is that people needing assistance are first on, brilliant, but last off. And so I am trapped on the plane after landing, until everyone, bar my lady next to me moves. (I'm marooned next to the window.) "Are you in a hurry?"
"No, I'm not in any hurry," I lied.
What seemed like an eternity later, my co-passenger stood up and made her way to the door and I swiftly followed.
Air steward at the door piped up; "Well that was an interesting flight for you!" It absolutely was and I wouldn't swap it for a boring one if you paid me, thanks very much.
JR meets me at the airport and Helen meets us at Wagamama's, this is becoming tradition since I started landing at lunch time. I spill my guts about work and the odd salty tear escapes but Helen is as positive as always and decides new manager is in some way threatened. How, God only knows but my Mum always used to say if someone was being a bitch or a bully, it's because they were jealous or threatened in some way. I never understood what anyone would have to be jealous of me about but I've doled this advice out myself to youngsters and in the absence of any other excuse, maybe she is? God only knows why.
Thank God, after just over a week, Bee was allowed to return home, she has a good few weeks of taking it easy ahead of her but at least she's over the worst.
A few days later and I'm flying down to Southampton, there was a flight sale on which Jan alerted me to and so having leave to use up before March, I booked to go away for the weekend and visit my friends down there.
I'm lucky with the weather, it's been bitterly cold for a good week now and I've been fogged in before now at the airport waiting to fly down but everything is fine today and I'm on board and we depart on schedule.
As I board and make my way to 20D, I approach my row and politely say to 20C, Hello, excuse me but I'm there, (and point to highlight my window seat.) My flying partner for today is a very statuesque elderly lady. She gets up out of her seat and stands aside, by about 2 inches. Thank you, but I'm not that thin. Co-passenger shuffles a little further into the aisle to allow me to slide in to my seat. From there, I have to belt myself up and then belt up my co-passenger as she was sitting on her belt initially.
Lovely lady barely drawers breath for the entire flight. Well travelled, no children, widow, husband was Tom, one step-child, doesn't live near-by. Step daughter-in-law dresses inappropriately for age. Has three trips planned so far this year, the next being The Little Trains of the Pyrenees. She will be 86 on Sunday, same day as eldest Sister and her Mother, who she talked extensively about, was named Dorothy, the same as mine.
Having cried through most of yesterday evening over work, to now find myself next to this lady who, for the entire flight I am unable to think of anything that is worrying me because I'm engaged in conversation, and now to find that her Mum's name is Dorothy. Do we think this is a coincidence?
Elderly lady is a VIP in that she needs assistance, the thing with this is that people needing assistance are first on, brilliant, but last off. And so I am trapped on the plane after landing, until everyone, bar my lady next to me moves. (I'm marooned next to the window.) "Are you in a hurry?"
"No, I'm not in any hurry," I lied.
What seemed like an eternity later, my co-passenger stood up and made her way to the door and I swiftly followed.
Air steward at the door piped up; "Well that was an interesting flight for you!" It absolutely was and I wouldn't swap it for a boring one if you paid me, thanks very much.
JR meets me at the airport and Helen meets us at Wagamama's, this is becoming tradition since I started landing at lunch time. I spill my guts about work and the odd salty tear escapes but Helen is as positive as always and decides new manager is in some way threatened. How, God only knows but my Mum always used to say if someone was being a bitch or a bully, it's because they were jealous or threatened in some way. I never understood what anyone would have to be jealous of me about but I've doled this advice out myself to youngsters and in the absence of any other excuse, maybe she is? God only knows why.
Tuesday, 13 February 2018
January
Col we're now at the opposite end of January from when we last caught up.
I'm going to give you a potted history of the year so far.
Let's start with the positives shall we?
I feel at home on my new team, at my new desk, on my new floor.
I absolutely LOVE my yoga course. Week one, I roll up 30 minutes early, park up, not sure I've parked in an OK spot. It's pitch dark. I wait in car for 15 minutes then see other people begin to arrive and walk through the door. I get out of the car and walk towards the door, as I do so, two women turn the corner and head for the door but turn around and begin staring at me. I look behind and car isn't sticking out. Check my legs, yes, I am wearing pants. Maybe they're looking at something behind me. Another couple of feet later, (I'm as blind as a bat especially in the dark,) and the two women staring at me are no longer in silhouette, they are Tracy and her Mum. What are the odds eh? Tracy and I hadn't even mentioned the course to each other and here we are, signed up for the duration.
Our teacher Ali, is amazing, it's all very relaxed, you just go where your body lets you. Ali demonstrates, explains, tells you which bits of your body is being worked if you couldn't tell and may throw the odd legend in there too. The room is beautifully lit and there are candles burning. I think I can smell incense.
At one point, Tracy and I are next to each other on mats, flat on our backs in a, I think, happy pigeon pose and Tracy pipes up; "I bet 20 years ago you didn't imagine we'd be here did you?" She's absolutely right and when I got home and did the maths, it's actually 25 years can you believe?
Anyway, the lesson I learnt in that first class is that I am impatient, no, actually I knew that, just didn't realise how in a rush I am. (It's not the same, I know what I mean.) We had to learn how to breath properly, in through the nose, chest expands, collar bones rise slightly. At one point, we were lying on our backs, arms on the floor, slightly away from our bodies, palms up, fingers gently curling. We had to stay there for five breaths and my thoughts went something like this;
In through the nose, chest expands, collar bones raise slightly
In through the nose, chest expands, collar bones raise slightly
In through the, I think we're on four now, yes this must be four by now
In through the, this must be the last one
This is a long time, this must be five by now
Are we done?
Thank God
Needless to say, I need to practice this.
I like my new desk, new floor, team are lovely
I've starting doing the stairs twice a day to my floor, that's 300 steps up each time, (8 floors.)
Food is getting back on track, less crisps more broccoli
Burpees! Yes, my VERY modified burpees are still going strong, I haven't missed a single day and it's actually become a big of a habit, an automatic reflex, I put on my mascara in the morning and hit the floor in my bedroom while it dries then carry on with my eyeliner. Getting easier and arms are looking more toned.
I think I had a bit of a virus but by the end of January, I felt less tired all the time and a bit more hopeful.
Back on the healthy food bandwagon, pretty happy about how I'm fuelling my body.
And now, the negatives;
My new manager seems to have taken an immediate dislike to me. Do you remember that God awful manager we had at the bank? She made my life miserable and used to throw things at me when no one else was around? Well, this one is no where near that bad but she's a bit of a bitch. The woman who started on the same day as me... she loves, me... not so much. No training to speak of just an overview of the team. She was on leave for one week of this month and the other three weeks, she just keeps asking me have I done this or done that. She hasn't taken the time to explain what this and that are or told me that these are tasks that my new role require, I'm just supposed to know, through osmosis I believe. And so, I am a constant disappointment. My last day in work, four weeks into job and three weeks with new manager and my first review goes like this;
How do you think it's gone?
Me.. not very well, you keep asking me if I've done things I didn't even know I was supposed to be doing.
Manager.. well you've been with the department for a few years
Me.. Yes and I can do my old role for you with my eyes closed, I've never done this role
Manger... Well I'll need to take this to my manager.
And then... on the 30th Jan, I get home to see a message on my phone from eldest sister which reads; "call me when you can." You know that we're not in touch regularly so this can only mean one thing, that something is wrong.
Bee is, as we speak, in an ambulance on the way to hospital with pneumonia.
I'm going to give you a potted history of the year so far.
Let's start with the positives shall we?
I feel at home on my new team, at my new desk, on my new floor.
I absolutely LOVE my yoga course. Week one, I roll up 30 minutes early, park up, not sure I've parked in an OK spot. It's pitch dark. I wait in car for 15 minutes then see other people begin to arrive and walk through the door. I get out of the car and walk towards the door, as I do so, two women turn the corner and head for the door but turn around and begin staring at me. I look behind and car isn't sticking out. Check my legs, yes, I am wearing pants. Maybe they're looking at something behind me. Another couple of feet later, (I'm as blind as a bat especially in the dark,) and the two women staring at me are no longer in silhouette, they are Tracy and her Mum. What are the odds eh? Tracy and I hadn't even mentioned the course to each other and here we are, signed up for the duration.
Our teacher Ali, is amazing, it's all very relaxed, you just go where your body lets you. Ali demonstrates, explains, tells you which bits of your body is being worked if you couldn't tell and may throw the odd legend in there too. The room is beautifully lit and there are candles burning. I think I can smell incense.
At one point, Tracy and I are next to each other on mats, flat on our backs in a, I think, happy pigeon pose and Tracy pipes up; "I bet 20 years ago you didn't imagine we'd be here did you?" She's absolutely right and when I got home and did the maths, it's actually 25 years can you believe?
Anyway, the lesson I learnt in that first class is that I am impatient, no, actually I knew that, just didn't realise how in a rush I am. (It's not the same, I know what I mean.) We had to learn how to breath properly, in through the nose, chest expands, collar bones rise slightly. At one point, we were lying on our backs, arms on the floor, slightly away from our bodies, palms up, fingers gently curling. We had to stay there for five breaths and my thoughts went something like this;
In through the nose, chest expands, collar bones raise slightly
In through the nose, chest expands, collar bones raise slightly
In through the, I think we're on four now, yes this must be four by now
In through the, this must be the last one
This is a long time, this must be five by now
Are we done?
Thank God
Needless to say, I need to practice this.
I like my new desk, new floor, team are lovely
I've starting doing the stairs twice a day to my floor, that's 300 steps up each time, (8 floors.)
Food is getting back on track, less crisps more broccoli
Burpees! Yes, my VERY modified burpees are still going strong, I haven't missed a single day and it's actually become a big of a habit, an automatic reflex, I put on my mascara in the morning and hit the floor in my bedroom while it dries then carry on with my eyeliner. Getting easier and arms are looking more toned.
I think I had a bit of a virus but by the end of January, I felt less tired all the time and a bit more hopeful.
Back on the healthy food bandwagon, pretty happy about how I'm fuelling my body.
And now, the negatives;
My new manager seems to have taken an immediate dislike to me. Do you remember that God awful manager we had at the bank? She made my life miserable and used to throw things at me when no one else was around? Well, this one is no where near that bad but she's a bit of a bitch. The woman who started on the same day as me... she loves, me... not so much. No training to speak of just an overview of the team. She was on leave for one week of this month and the other three weeks, she just keeps asking me have I done this or done that. She hasn't taken the time to explain what this and that are or told me that these are tasks that my new role require, I'm just supposed to know, through osmosis I believe. And so, I am a constant disappointment. My last day in work, four weeks into job and three weeks with new manager and my first review goes like this;
How do you think it's gone?
Me.. not very well, you keep asking me if I've done things I didn't even know I was supposed to be doing.
Manager.. well you've been with the department for a few years
Me.. Yes and I can do my old role for you with my eyes closed, I've never done this role
Manger... Well I'll need to take this to my manager.
And then... on the 30th Jan, I get home to see a message on my phone from eldest sister which reads; "call me when you can." You know that we're not in touch regularly so this can only mean one thing, that something is wrong.
Bee is, as we speak, in an ambulance on the way to hospital with pneumonia.
Tuesday, 2 January 2018
Happy New Year! (aka... Here we go again.)
Happy New Year Col, it's the 2nd of Jan and I'm exhausted from reading all of the positive messages from my Instagram people. I'm going to be taking baby steps because we all know that if you go full throttle into a New Year with tons of changes, then nothing usually sticks.
Anyway, it's cold and dark and raining and I go back to work tomorrow after almost two weeks off and I'm starting a new job, that's right... no sleep for me tonight.
January is all about living by numbers for me, what I mean is that I just do stuff that I know I need to do. My brain has enough trouble readjusting to getting up at silly o'clock and doing a day's work, five days a week, 2 hours a day driving etc.etc.
Here we go... living by numbers, (for me anyway):
You get up at 4.30am, therefore you need to be in bed between 8.30pm and 9.00pm.
You should be asleep as close to 9.00pm as possible
Make breakfast every morning and take it with you to work, my favourite work breakfast is a ham and avocado pita with cherry toms on the side and it's exquisite with a Starbucks coffee.
Take healthy snacks to work; clementine's, apples, almonds, Nairn's fine milled oatcakes
Prep veg ready for healthy home made soup for tea, (add red lentils, ground flaxseed and miso.)
2 litres of water minimum per day Monday - Friday
New Entry: 10 (very) modified burpees per day
New Entry: 5 minutes of foam rolling per day
10,000 minimum steps per day, (my daily target is 14,500 but for the day's that I can't leave my desk...)
New Entry: Tell yourself one positive thing to say about yourself every day, (I haven't sussed this one out yet and don't know how to even start.)
Not many new additions but I also need to get back to my daily rituals as listed above.
In addition, I've also tonight, signed up for a 6 week yoga course, it's more about history and meaning and most basic of basics. I actually can't remember the last time I went to a class.... at a venue.... with other people. Scary. Anyway, at worst, I won't go and it'll be a total waste of money but I'm going to try. I did yoga for a little while about 20 years ago, maybe more and all I can remember is going with Sheila and laughing through a huge part of it when we couldn't get up. I realise I need to be more zen this time around. (Scared, excited, nothing to wear.)
I'll keep you posted. Love you x
Anyway, it's cold and dark and raining and I go back to work tomorrow after almost two weeks off and I'm starting a new job, that's right... no sleep for me tonight.
January is all about living by numbers for me, what I mean is that I just do stuff that I know I need to do. My brain has enough trouble readjusting to getting up at silly o'clock and doing a day's work, five days a week, 2 hours a day driving etc.etc.
Here we go... living by numbers, (for me anyway):
You get up at 4.30am, therefore you need to be in bed between 8.30pm and 9.00pm.
You should be asleep as close to 9.00pm as possible
Make breakfast every morning and take it with you to work, my favourite work breakfast is a ham and avocado pita with cherry toms on the side and it's exquisite with a Starbucks coffee.
Take healthy snacks to work; clementine's, apples, almonds, Nairn's fine milled oatcakes
Prep veg ready for healthy home made soup for tea, (add red lentils, ground flaxseed and miso.)
2 litres of water minimum per day Monday - Friday
New Entry: 10 (very) modified burpees per day
New Entry: 5 minutes of foam rolling per day
10,000 minimum steps per day, (my daily target is 14,500 but for the day's that I can't leave my desk...)
New Entry: Tell yourself one positive thing to say about yourself every day, (I haven't sussed this one out yet and don't know how to even start.)
Not many new additions but I also need to get back to my daily rituals as listed above.
In addition, I've also tonight, signed up for a 6 week yoga course, it's more about history and meaning and most basic of basics. I actually can't remember the last time I went to a class.... at a venue.... with other people. Scary. Anyway, at worst, I won't go and it'll be a total waste of money but I'm going to try. I did yoga for a little while about 20 years ago, maybe more and all I can remember is going with Sheila and laughing through a huge part of it when we couldn't get up. I realise I need to be more zen this time around. (Scared, excited, nothing to wear.)
I'll keep you posted. Love you x
Monday, 1 January 2018
Rings
For reasons too numerous to mention, and after years of uncomfortable conversations and furtive looks, it's just easier to not wear my Mum's rings when I visit some family. Christmas Eve, I removed my rings and placed them safely in my purse. Christmas Day evening, I'm at home, at one end of the dining room when I take the rings out of my purse... and promptly drop one. I hear it land on the floor but I don't see where it finally rested.
I spent 40 minutes on my hands and knees with my face placed for the most part on the carpet. It's no where to be found. The next day, I'm travelling up to see my cousin an hour away and it's still dark when I leave so the light isn't good but I have another quick search and tell myself not to worry, it has got to be there, I just can't see it.
I return home the following night, in the dark, and with poor light once more. Still, before bed, I scour the dining room with torch in one hand and carpet to face for the duration. I even bounce a similar ring from the spot I dropped the original to analyse how and if it bounced and where it would have eventually landed. Mum's engagement ring to the love of her life, was no where to be found and even though, logically, I couldn't have lost it, I might as well have done. My heart was heavy.
That night, I headed for bed, not defeated, (it had to be there somewhere,) but a little sad. It just wasn't anywhere to be found. As I closed my bedroom door, I said; "Please God, help me to find it." I was looking down as I opened my eyes and there, next to my foot, was the ring.
I heard the ring drop onto the carpet. I pick my feet up when I walk, I don't shuffle from one room to another so it can't have been kicked along. How did the ring travel fifty feet from where it was dropped?
Do I think that someone found the ring and placed it where I could see it? I do. I know this sounds ridiculous but there are some things you just can't explain, even if you try really hard. I've tried and I can't explain it.
I spent 40 minutes on my hands and knees with my face placed for the most part on the carpet. It's no where to be found. The next day, I'm travelling up to see my cousin an hour away and it's still dark when I leave so the light isn't good but I have another quick search and tell myself not to worry, it has got to be there, I just can't see it.
I return home the following night, in the dark, and with poor light once more. Still, before bed, I scour the dining room with torch in one hand and carpet to face for the duration. I even bounce a similar ring from the spot I dropped the original to analyse how and if it bounced and where it would have eventually landed. Mum's engagement ring to the love of her life, was no where to be found and even though, logically, I couldn't have lost it, I might as well have done. My heart was heavy.
That night, I headed for bed, not defeated, (it had to be there somewhere,) but a little sad. It just wasn't anywhere to be found. As I closed my bedroom door, I said; "Please God, help me to find it." I was looking down as I opened my eyes and there, next to my foot, was the ring.
I heard the ring drop onto the carpet. I pick my feet up when I walk, I don't shuffle from one room to another so it can't have been kicked along. How did the ring travel fifty feet from where it was dropped?
Do I think that someone found the ring and placed it where I could see it? I do. I know this sounds ridiculous but there are some things you just can't explain, even if you try really hard. I've tried and I can't explain it.
Friday, 29 December 2017
Christmas
Hi Col, well, this was probably my worst Christmas since the one that came a month after I lost Mum, so many years ago. Christmas week and Jan was run off the road by a lorry who didn't see her while she was driving grand baby home. Both physically OK, Jan traumatised as any of us would be, Everly none the wiser, thank God. I've been in extra support mode to anyone who needs me this week, this is my role in this life clearly.
Christmas Day, I have six hours of company. That's a lot I realise and I'm not complaining, but that's the least I've had so far in this life and I know that this will decrease as the years tick over now.
Anyway, I have plans for the coming year. This is my to-do list so far:
Practice saying No
Don't always put others before yourself (this is never going go happen)
Take better care of yourself, (we shall see.)
Get stronger / workout more
Try yoga
Be vigilant about your mental health
Deal with stress in a healthy way
Learn to articulate your feelings, (this is going to be a toughie.)
Honestly not sure I will succeed at all or any of the above in the coming twelve months but I think it's important to recognise what's needed, even if some of it gets shelved for a while.
Jan's been having a really hard time since the accident. Logic goes out of the window when you have post traumatic stress and are completely freaked out by the thought of what might have been. A few days after the accident, I was feeling the weight of being the only sister to be able to offer support, Jan came down stairs to find a wind up musical Christmas ornament that Mum had given her and hubby many years ago, playing and twirling all on it's own. Hubby in the garage, Jan upstairs with dog, no one else around. 'Have I popped too many pills?' asked Jan. No... that's all Mum. I think it was Mum checking in not only for Jan but for me too.
Rings... to be continued x
Messy
I'm all for the rah-rah, we're strong, we can do this, we are beautiful army. Except, that I'm that girl waiting to be picked for rounders. If I'm picked for netball it's only because I'm10 years old and 5ft 6" and can be tree like, #exceedinglylongarms.
I started writing this days ago and now, I have forgotten my point so I'm just going to jump right in to what I think was the gist ...I'm finding it more and more difficult to maintain positivity. It's true, I have to try to find the positive every single day and no, it does not come naturally nor do I necessarily find it. I don't want to be one of those horrible, uptight, drags the day down kind of a person but lately I feel like I've become that.
It's a couple of weeks later and... I got the job. Remember the job that I applied for one thousand years ago? There was a lot of to-ing and fro-ing and a lot of miss communication, my department is dreadful at communicating clearly, apparently. The main thing is, I'm so relieved I got the job and next year will bring a new start. My 'big' boss's parting words were, 'my door is always open, I know it was a huge decision for you to leave and if in a couple of months, you think you've made a mistake, come and talk to me.'
Great to think the door is always open but shame they didn't want to do enough for me to want to stay in the first place.
Life is messy, let's just get on with it eh?
I started writing this days ago and now, I have forgotten my point so I'm just going to jump right in to what I think was the gist ...I'm finding it more and more difficult to maintain positivity. It's true, I have to try to find the positive every single day and no, it does not come naturally nor do I necessarily find it. I don't want to be one of those horrible, uptight, drags the day down kind of a person but lately I feel like I've become that.
It's a couple of weeks later and... I got the job. Remember the job that I applied for one thousand years ago? There was a lot of to-ing and fro-ing and a lot of miss communication, my department is dreadful at communicating clearly, apparently. The main thing is, I'm so relieved I got the job and next year will bring a new start. My 'big' boss's parting words were, 'my door is always open, I know it was a huge decision for you to leave and if in a couple of months, you think you've made a mistake, come and talk to me.'
Great to think the door is always open but shame they didn't want to do enough for me to want to stay in the first place.
Life is messy, let's just get on with it eh?
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