Christmas

Hi Col,  well, this was probably my worst Christmas since the one that came a month after I lost Mum, so many years ago.  Christmas week and Jan was run off the road by a lorry who didn't see her while she was driving grand baby home.  Both physically OK, Jan traumatised as any of us would be, Everly none the wiser, thank God.  I've been in extra support mode to anyone who needs me this week, this is my role in this life clearly.

Christmas Day, I have six hours of company.  That's a lot I realise and I'm not complaining, but that's the least I've had so far in this life and I know that this will decrease as the years tick over now.

Anyway, I have plans for the coming year.  This is my to-do list so far:

Practice saying No

Don't always put others before yourself (this is never going go happen)

Take better care of yourself, (we shall see.)

Get stronger / workout more

Try yoga

Be vigilant about your mental health

Deal with stress in a healthy way

Learn to articulate your feelings, (this is going to be a toughie.)

Honestly not sure I will succeed at all or any of the above in the coming twelve months but I think it's important to recognise what's needed, even if some of it gets shelved for a while.

Jan's been having a really hard time since the accident.  Logic goes out of the window when you have post traumatic stress and are completely freaked out by the thought of what might have been.  A few days after the accident, I was feeling the weight of being the only sister to be able to offer support, Jan came down stairs to find a wind up musical Christmas ornament that Mum had given her and hubby many years ago, playing and twirling all on it's own.  Hubby in the garage, Jan upstairs with dog, no one else around.  'Have I popped too many pills?' asked Jan.  No... that's all Mum.  I think it was Mum checking in not only for Jan but for me too.

Rings... to be continued x

Messy

I'm all for the rah-rah, we're strong, we can do this, we are beautiful army.  Except, that I'm that girl waiting to be picked for rounders.  If I'm picked for netball it's only because I'm10 years old and 5ft 6" and can be tree like, #exceedinglylongarms.

I started writing this days ago and now, I have forgotten my point so I'm just going to jump right in to what I think was the gist ...I'm finding it more and more difficult to maintain positivity.  It's true, I have to try to find the positive every single day and no, it does not come naturally nor do I necessarily find it.  I don't want to be one of those horrible, uptight, drags the day down kind of a person but lately I feel like I've become that.

It's a couple of weeks later and... I got the job.  Remember the job that I applied for one thousand years ago?  There was a lot of to-ing and fro-ing and a lot of miss communication, my department is dreadful at communicating clearly, apparently.  The main thing is, I'm so relieved I got the job and next year will bring a new start.  My 'big' boss's parting words were, 'my door is always open, I know it was a huge decision for you to leave and if in a couple of months, you think you've made a mistake, come and talk to me.'

Great to think the door is always open but shame they didn't want to do enough for me to want to stay in the first place.

Life is messy, let's just get on with it eh?

Reasons to Celebrate

Guess what?  We have a princess in waiting in the form of Meghan Markle.  Meghan, like Kate was born to this role, of that I have no doubt.  I also have no doubt that the Princes Mother ensured that the perfect other half came into the lives of her boys.  Could Kate or Meghan be more perfect to join the firm?  I think not.

Well it's about time, both boys deserve every happiness.  Don't know about you but I can't wait for the Royal Wedding next year.  The Prince has paid his dues, it's time to be happy.

Reasons to be Thankful

After a horrible few days at work, on Wednesday, I waved work goodbye for eleven days of leave.  I still haven't heard about the job and I spent two days trying to give a home email address to HR so that I can at last be put out of my misery over whether or not I got the job.  Just tell me for heavens sake.

Mentally, I'm not doing great.  Someone told me this week to "speak up for yourself".  I've never done that and I don't know how to do so calmly and rationally.  I always assume that if I'm being unfairly treated, there must be a reason for it, the person thinks I can deal with it and so I should be able to, or I'm so obnoxious to be around....

Thursday I fly off to my friends down south.  I've been nursing earache all week and I'm dreading the flight but we're on time, first time with this airline in ages, and I deliberately yawn through the flight to keep popping ears and I'm fine.  The weather is kind all weekend, dry but bitterly cold, it's perfect, except that I'm frozen to the bone for most of it.

Apart from soaking up my lovely friends and their kids, dog and cat, I was trying to absorb what I like and what I don't like.  Dear brother-in-law retires next year and for the past few years, he's been earmarked for jobs around here, around my home.

What's that called?  I love it!  This I fire at Mark.  I'm thinking it's some kind of shutter board, that's my name for it.  'It's ship lap"  "Ship lack!"  "Ship lap, as in lap dance"  not going to go in that direction but thank you Mark, now I know what it's called.  I've also made a mental note of colours, putty, sea blue, sea green, grey, love love love them.  So me.

Loved my time away, Sunday was lunch with the kiddos, me, anti-sticky freak, per ma  covered in antibacterial gel freak, was during lunch, had one hand washed in apple juice after partially saving a spillage by Joshi and the other hand covered in spaghetti bolognaise from Ellie who is only two and loves to eat her spaghetti with her fingers and then holds my hand with her two, Bolognaise covered tiny hands.

You know what?  For all the antibacterial gel, or tea in China... wouldn't change it for a second, sticky or not.

Flight home is smooth, I'm so tired I try to nod on the short flight, something I've never done before.  Jan and Dear Brother in law pick me up from the airport, we chat the whole way home and I'm so proud of myself when I get home, everything is away and pristine in the kitchen, I must have been possessed before I left.

Most of Monday is spent with Everly Grace.  My baby great niece and when I look into those blue eyes, I see her Daddy.  Time goes by so quickly and if you haven't witnessed this yet, then trust me, it truly does.  I won't fawn over her or try to buy her affection, I will love her from afar, hopefully she'll feel it one day.

Oh and why do I feel like there is a little brother in waiting?

Anniversary

Hi Col, not sure I'm going to publish this but just felt the need to write.

I don't know how many oceans are between us but we share a couple of anniversaries over a couple of weeks right?

Not sure what it's like over with you Col, but over here, it's an odd time.  Everyone is so excited for Halloween then the 5th, Gun powder, Treason and Plot etc. then it's officially the run up to Christmas.  I'm all about acting scared when I open the door to little Hob Goblins on Halloween then from 1st November, Christmas begins to materialise before your very eyes.  I still have to get through 5th November though.

This week has driven me a little nuts.  Tuesday was Halloween, happy, happy, happy.  Wednesday it was really bugging me that I still hadn't heard about the job I'd applied for.  I'd got to the point where I really didn't care anymore... just tell me if I got through to interview or not... please just put me out of my misery.

Thursday I found out that I had an interview for next week.  Not going to stress over it, I'll do my best but if it's meant to be it's meant to be.

Friday I was off work and went work boot shopping with Jan, I'm currently walking/jogging 10 miles a day and needed new work footwear more than ever.  I got some ankle boots which are quite stiff around the back of my lower calf but my feet are comfy at least and they are Gortex too which I think is waterproof.  Bonus.

Sunday, the 5th, is of course rubbish but I got a couple of signs, as I arrived for coffee, part of a rainbow was right in front of me, on the way home from coffee, I had Gregory Porter singing Smile to me.  Both the rainbow and that song have a special meaning to me on this day so, I will gratefully and graciously accept them.

We began the day with icy rain, then came the sunshine, now we have a pastel blue sky.  I don't remember the weather fourteen years ago today, all a bit of a blur.

You're absolutely right... concentrate on the happy times, will try to remember that for next year x

72 Baps Connie

So, I was full of a cold the week leading up to Sister's party, powered through with the help of cold remedy tablets and balm infused tissues.  I'd been drafted in months ago to assist with the room decorating and the food prep.  Being knee deep in snotty tissues is not the best situation to be in when you're on food prep duty but Thursday was very minimal chores like making room in the fridge for the prepped party food so not too contentious plus I was covered in hand sanitizer.  By Friday, day of the party, I was doing better.  Not great you understand but not dripping into anything I shouldn't be dripping into.

We, (sister and grown up nieces,) converged on function room around 10am to decorate and make tired room look pretty.  We got creative with the table cloths, scissors were involved, and the aged DJ was already there setting up for the night.

After the dressing of the room ceremony, my eldest niece and I headed over to eldest Sister's for serious food prep.  I mean serious Col, we're talking 4 solid hours, standing up, buttering bread ready for fillings.  Lea, (niece,) was in charge of fillings.  I was spreading like a pro.  I defy anyone to butter bread quicker or more diligently than me.

Anyway, eventually, everything was made or stabbed (sausages, cheese etc.)

As I'm about to leave Sister's, Cousin messages me to say she's in vicinity and ready to head over to mine where she'll be staying after the party.  We converge at mine, I make tea and then hit the floor, literally, I feel like I have a dagger between my shoulder blades after hours of buttering and so I hit the floor, laying on my rolled up length ways yoga mat and then my extra long, (yes I have a long body,) foam roller to stretch out my back and diligently remove the dagger from between my shoulder blades.

Ten minutes later and my back is feeling much less dagger stricken.  We lounge for an hour and then begin to get ready for the party.

I decide to wear the Coast dress that I got on sale a couple of years ago.  I've only worn it once, for Sheila's last big birthday and wondered if I'd be overdressed, (I was,) but aimed high regardless.  (Looks great standing up by the way, forgot how short it is once sitting.)

Not going to lie, was dreading party.  I, as you know, am Switzerland.  I'm neutral, I talk to everyone in the family, regardless of whether they have been a total bitch to me in the past, and I temper that with nostalgia and an unwavering regard of 'family', or, at least the Disney version of 'family', which of course is completely fictional.  Anyway, regardless of my outlook, the rest of the family are divided into camps, for reasons too numerous to mention.

The party was as much of a car wreck as I imagined but... it could have been much worse and on the bright side, it's over with.

Party wrapped at midnight.  After goodbyes, dear BIL was driving and we set out over newly opened, (at midnight,) local bridge, one of the largest infrastructure projects in the UK, in Europe.  History and memories were made tonight which will be with me always.

Friday Hell

It's Friday evening and I'm sitting here in a bad mood with a glass of wine.  I actually got to leave work early for once, (they still owe me over thirty hours back so I think I can leave an hour early.)  Anyway, it took me almost two hours to crawl 18 miles through incessant roadworks, all of my plans arranged around being home early have been shot to pieces and so I'm frustrated and annoyed.

Did I tell you I was going to apply for a new job?  Since the ad went out last week, I've been pretty laid back about it, what will be will be, if I'm supposed to get it I'll get it etc.  Time is running out on me getting my application in and this morning, I woke with the thought... I need this job, this is supposed to be, this could literally change my life.  I'm not talking mega changes you understand, just small ones like, if you need a doctor's appointment, you don't have to wait six weeks to get one so that it fits in with work.  I won't need to get up at 4.26am, five days a week.  I won't have to drive through snow risking life and limb if I don't have to.  On days I work at home, I would be able to visit Everly for an hour on my lunch on the day's that Jan has her.  I won't be too exhausted to do anything, on my evenings or on my day's off.  I can do a proper workout because there will be spare hours in the day.  There is a lot banking on this new job.  Which isn't great is it?

Sweat and Stuff

I work on the 9th floor and Pete, my manager, young family man, started taking the stairs a couple of weeks ago and so I took his lead.  Colleagues are always 'popping out' for breakfast or a smoke in work time and so I decided, for the good of me and to benefit my employer, I too would start having mini workouts, also very concerned about invisible visceral fat.

Two weeks in and I'm aiming for two or three times a day, down to the ground and back up to the 9th.  I'm still fine running down all 9 floors and still panting my way back up to the 9th. My thighs, to the touch, feel like they're made of iron and the scale is going up but surprisingly, I feel like my work pants are looser.  

Despite the added poundage and the iron thighs, I'm convinced that the visceral is melting, and so... I shall continue with this regime.  What the hell, it's cheaper than the gym.

Today is Sunday.  I met Carol this morning for coffee, we're like therapists for each other, thank God.  We both believe that people are in each others lives for a reason and we appreciate each other and don't take anything for granted.

Supposed to pick up Sue for coffee at 11.15 but she wasn't up to it, fingers crossed for next weekend, and then I met Lee at 2.  Been a good day.

I told Carol yesterday that I'd be pressed for time and we would need to talk quickly, which we have no trouble with and indeed, we did.  Carol and I have a lot in common and while neither of us are particularly religious, we're both pretty... spiritual?  Is that the word I'm looking for? We both believe that people come into our lives for a reason and we're both open enough to attempt to embrace it and go with it and see what comes out of it.

I could go on about this but I won't, not just now anyway.

Love you x

Miss you x

Clair What?

I'm sitting here thinking; you are going to sound like a raving lunatic.  But that's OK because maybe I am.  I'm a product of my upbringing and of my beliefs and because you're not here, with me now, physically anyway, I look to others to discuss things.

My Mum was 36 when she lost her Dad, she was the baby and a Daddy's girl and she told me one day, how, standing at the kitchen sink, she had heard his voice say 'Babs', and felt him touch her shoulder... this was after he was gone. Another time,  Mum told me what Nanna had told her about how much God loved her.  I've just always known, that there is a God, that he would always love me, that there is something after this life and that yes, you can communicate once you pass over. 

I know this for sure and I have always known this to be true.  Can't tell you how many examples of communication I've had since then, but do you trust me to be true?

So, I had a reading almost 12 months ago and I've had another 2 in about a month.  This is not advised.  Do not do as I have done.  I was so desperate to talk about things and to gain some guidance, that I pushed the boundaries.

Don't get me wrong, while I'm a believer, my walls are high and they have to work to connect.  I will not say 'yes I know that name' or 'yes, I know what you mean', if I don't know that name or if I don't know what they're talking about.

Connection to me is only ever absolutely 100% correct.  Which helps me to accept and validate.  By the way, I'm not accepting or validating my family, just those passing on the message, I know that my family are there.

This week, it was a telephone consult.  Apparently my Dad came through.  I called him Jack for most of my life but in the past couple of years, I've alternated between Jack and Dad when I refer to him.  I always felt the term Dad was to be earned, guess I'm getting soft.

When I've had readings before, even if the Medium has told me 'Dad' is here, he is quickly pushed aside by Mum.  Tonight, there is no mention of Mum, it's all about Dad.  'He has a sharp mind, he went to his grave with regrets, he had a photo of you in his wallet, he saw a lot of life, he wore a police uniform, you're his baby girl, he's trying to make up for lost time'. About 50% of that I know is true, I hope the rest is too but I have no way to validate.

This is a lot to take in.  The reason why I called my Dad, Jack for so long was because I, we, Mum and I were abandoned when I was around 4.  Depending on who you believe that is, some people leave, some people are asked to leave.  What do I believe?

Whatever the reason, I believe that none of us are perfect and I choose to believe that he is now, watching over me.

The Medium tells me that I am clairaudient and that I only have to think to connect.  Always had stuff in my head, which I trusted was just me and I've heard things that I can't explain, even in the last couple of weeks, but never really thought about it, certainly didn't give it a name.

I could go on for hours but  I'm going to cut to the chase; my love life... There is no future in it and I should end it.  The phrase 'loveable sociopath' was actually used.  (I've looked up 'sociopath' and I disagree by the way, but I do know what she means.)   The truth is, I know that there isn't any future in it, but I love him, so what do I do?

Post Everything

So we're post birthday, post eclipse and I feel.... pretty much the same except that I've had a ton more sleep and am regaining signs of being human again.

Most of my birthday was spent with Everly... Great Niece, literally.  She calls me Kiki, which for an under two year old, is close enough.  I love her so.  She know me, which is all I cared about.  I was so worried that because I see her so infrequently, she wouldn't know me.  But she does.  I'm Kiki.

My two weeks off work is almost over and I really haven't done very much.  I haven't started any of the plans I had, mostly around working out but I feel that is coming, right now, I'm all about the slumber, I can't believe how much I've been sleeping, we're talking nine hours a night, who gets to do that?  I'm lucky if I can clock seven usually.

I did have physio on Wednesday, I was pretty much given a lecture, in a very nice way, about how bad my current work situation is for my body.  Did you know that to correct what 8 hours at a desk does to your body, you need to exercise for an hour?  So I would need to exercise for about 90 minutes a night to correct my day.  When would I eat before bed?  Also, how not having a lunch break, even ten minutes is bad for your brain, bad for your Psyche, bad for every cell of you actually.  All of this I know, a thousand times I know, but I found myself in this vortex.

Anyway, Vicki worked her magic once again and while my neck isn't 100%, it's much better than pre session.  It's a long time since I felt this bad physically and I need to fix it, maybe it's a reflection?

My last Friday off before returning to work was spent with Jan.  I wasn't motivated to do anything (shocker) and would have been quite happy to go for coffee then be depressed at home but my sister bombarded me with options and so, I relented and chose one and had a lovely last day, (I know that I still have Saturday and Sunday but it's my last official work day off.)

It's three days away but I'm already thinking of work.

Moonstruck

I was having coffee this morning in my usual haunt and I actually wrote to you while I was in there, literally pen on paper, something I haven't done for a long time.  But, 99% of it was pretty negative, you know how I've been feeling lately.  So, I'm not going to tell you what I wrote because it was more of the same, I thought I might be depressed but if I wasn't before, I would be after I read that festival of wallow and so would you be.  So let's scrap that, shall we?

The part from this morning that I will tell you is that from Friday, I am off for seventeen days, seventeen whole days Col, it's my favourite part of the year.  It's only Saturday and I've had twenty hours of sleep so far....absolute bliss, feel a tiny bit better already.  I can just about see a tiny bit of human beneath the boulders.

Monday will be my birthday, as you know, but what you may not know is that there will be an eclipse too.  An eclipse on my birthday Col!  I mean... how often does that happen?  (I know that someone could do the maths but you get my drift, surely it has to mean something right?)  I've been praying for change and for help, for direction, for months now.  I have a lot riding on the Universe and this eclipse.  It's not that I think I'm more deserving than anyone else, and God knows there are horrendous things happening on planet Earth, it's just been a tough year, and I'm selfish and desperate for a bright side.

Jan came over unexpectedly this afternoon which was lovely.  We speak almost daily but she hasn't been over for ages so I got to show her how much progress I've made in the box room and show her the new bookcase and all of the organising I've accomplished.  As usual, when Jan sets foot in the box room, she cannot help herself and so she stands, peeling the old wallpaper off the walls, even though I tell her to stop, she doesn't and so the wallpaper of my early years is exposed, along with a gigantic substantial crack in the wall, which Jan assures me is fine and just needs some plaster.  Have to tell you that for the past several years, she's promised that she and hubby will decorate the box room for me so she kind of has carte blanche to peel away at will.  Do feel like we're approaching it actually being decorated though. (Slightly worried about gigantic crack in wall.)

So it's Saturday night and I'm watching one of my favourite films; Moonstruck.  I'm sitting here wishing that I was Italian because from what I can gather, Italians are honest and vocal and passionate and speak from the heart.  God, to be able to speak honestly from the heart, can you imagine the time it would save?  Moonstruck will be followed by As Good As It Gets, another of my favourites.

So ready for the eclipse.  So ready.

Preparation

Mum had me late in life and I have always known that if I didn't have a child by the time I was the same age as Mum was when she had me, then that was the nail in the coffin.  The confirmation.  The finish line.  No baby for me.

Have you read that people who die, shortly before they pass away, that they put everything in order?  Organise, sort, label?  Mum did, all of her things were perfectly organised and where necessary, items had notes accompanying them, who things were for, the history behind the item etc.  It's not the first time I've heard of this and these are not people with a terminal illness, somehow, their soul just knows to get things in order.

Anyway, it's not that I think I'm going anywhere soon, but I do have a growing need to sort out, give away what I need to, I mean, I've been the custodian of so much of Mum's stuff, most things I've redistributed over the years, now it's down to the nitty gritty, large pieces of furniture and photographs.  So many photographs.  Think it's time to start looking at them one last time, and then distribute.  I have no one to leave them to, I may as well share them out now.

When I do eventually leave this mortal coil, I expect it will be CJ who is left to sort everything out and so I want to make things as easy for him as possible.

Anyone who's lost anyone and has had to sort through their belongings knows how hard it is.  I don't want him to have a difficult time therefore, I have to get rid.

As I'm writing, Bee, custodian of family graves phones to ask, when she's gone, will I visit the family graves to talk to her?  I haven't visited for years simply because I haven't felt the need to.  It was Mum who told me that you don't have to visit church to talk to God, that you can talk to him from the kitchen sink and he'll hear you.  I assume the same goes for family members.

I tell her that I will, but that she knows she's not going to be there, and I can talk to her anytime but she seems to think that conversation at the cemetery is the hot line to heaven.  I'll have to work on that.

You know what I need just now?  I need a Ray from Top of the Lake: China Girl.  I need a non sexual hug from a Ray and I need to sleep on his floor, under his watchful, caring gaze.  That's what I need just now.

LWUI

Col... I'm such a mess at the moment.  I have been feeling down, pointless, short of joy, devoid of point, lonely, worthless, useless, inadequate, (I won't go on ;) for some time now, well, over nine months I would say. 

I thought it may be depression or hormones and I have tried to cope and keep everything in check but, lets face it, I've been failing miserably.  Long story short, I read an article this week by Kayla Itsines and everything clicked into place. The article is called '5 signs you're on the verge of burnout'.  I don't actually think I'm a burn out kind of person, burn out potential for me is; Chief of Google, Chief of Amazon, Chief of Anything, least of all me, Chief of trying to hold down a job that pays the bills and keep home clean and tidy.  Still... when you break down the list that Kayla provides; digestion problems, complete exhaustion, lowered immunity, problems focusing on tasks, experiencing conflict. I tick all the boxes, multiple times.

I'm all for self help Col but I'm running out of ideas.

July Sucked

This week sucked the actual life out of me.  Tuesday, I left home at 5:05 and returned at 19:35.  I did however get a 30 minute lunch break.  Friday, I had a 10am meeting which finished at 15:20.  We had two, we did have two ten minute comfort breaks, (they spoil us.)  I was practically dead by the time I got home. 

Saturday, I spent three hours in the box room de-cluttering, I swear I unearthed 100 coat hangers and at least 200 carrier bags.  I took down the old curtains, I was going to wash them and use them as dust covers for when I decorate but Jan advised me to just... bin them, so I did, she has old duvet covers to use for that.  Room looks much lighter by the way and really proud of my 'letting go' skills that have been painfully acquired over these de-cluttering years.  Saturday was a toughie going through the jewellery box I had as a little girl and all of the remaining trinkets in there, each one a tiny, shiny memory.

Amongst the trinkets was a silver cross and bible hanging on a chain, inside the bible was a picture of Mum and a picture of me, I think it must have been my confirmation present from Mum.  Going to clean that up and wear it. 

Our virtual chat on Sunday morning was just what I needed, you know that I wasn't thinking of making the trip to see you for the foreseeable future but the Universe seems to be strongly pointing me towards my next trip and dropping hints like bombshells that it should be sooner than I anticipated, much sooner.

Mixed Bag

My horoscope today, curtesy of Sally Brompton tells me... "It may at times seem like your life has no meaning, but you know that isn't true.  There is a pattern to your existence that is easier to see on some days than on others, and just because you can't see it now does not mean it isn't there.  Look a little harder - it's waiting to be found."

Feel like that was written just for me.  I have been struggling for a few months and feel selfish because of it.  I continue to look.

It's the Men's Final at Wimbledon today and you may remember that I have a very soft spot for Mr Federer and after a few years, my Roger is back, for a historic potential eighth Wimbledon win.
I love how much the history of Wimbledon means so much to the players.

I've started running again.  I say running... it's more of a slow jog but I feel like I'm spiralling into negativity, even depression and the last time I ran, I felt mentally more resilient. I have to find a way to at the least... slow the spiral of decent.

It's a couple of years since I ran but on Monday, I jogged for one song, Tuesday = two songs, Wednesday = three songs and by Friday, I was jogging for fifteen minutes.  You know how in 'Men in Black', they have that neutraliser gun thingy which wipes memories?  That's what running does for me.  I get home, pull on my Nike's and iPod and take a step, fifteen minutes later, my brain seems to have had the day's frustrations erased.  I need to stick with this.

You know how every time we WhatsApp chat you offer me a free bed?  Well, brace yourself but I'm thinking about taking you up on the offer.  I miss you so much and the thought of being in your presence and of walking on Raglan Beach is too inviting.  Any money I have to save will always be earmarked for something, a new kitchen, decorating, new carpets, a 'new' second hand car, the garden etc. but what if I'm dead next week?  What's the point?  I'm looking up prices for flights, love you x

Life's a Beach

Hi Col,

I know that I shouldn't complain, (which is the queue so that you know that I am indeed about to.)  No one died, no one is ill, I've just had a horrible week at work.  Rising at 4.30am, arriving at work before 6, working straight through without a break until almost 6pm then home for 7.  Just enough time to shower, blast head dry, throw a salad down me and watch an hour of TV before it's time to go to bed, .

Did I mention that I keep waking up at 3am and then that's it for the night?

I'm exhausted, cried myself to sleep at least twice this week, feel like I'm failing all of the tine and I wonder... what the actual reason is for me being here at all.

Anyway, I made it to the end of Friday.

I'm not managing my emotions very well at the moment, thinking of changing phone so that I can download an app to help me out.  You and I both know that it's nothing a walk along a beach couldn't fix, but that's not an option is it?

Why am I here?

I love you x

Live a Little, You Might Like It.

Hi Col,

As I write today, I'm watching Foo Fighters at Glasto, and enjoying a very nourishing, home made, organic chicken and veg soup.  Yes... I'm hung over.  Really can't beat chicken soup to cure what ails you.  And yes, I do remember you're practically veggie but it's true.

So there is a good reason why I'm hung over; I was fund raising.  I was really... in a fashion.  T&A, organised, no wait, that doesn't look right at all; Tracy and Amanda organised a 'Disco' night for the local hospice.

The usual suspects were there and all that was missing was you and R, and Gary who was mid-flight on the way home from working in NZ for four weeks.  It's amazing how we all click isn't it?  You don't see someone for months, or longer in our case, and the minute you're back together, it's like you only saw each other yesterday.  These friendships will never expire, thank God.

I had such a great time.  It's not that I didn't want to go to the event, but it's so long since I've gone to anything like that, (because I never go out,) it was almost too much effort.  Didn't sleep well Friday night so I was tired, didn't know what to wear, how was I going to get home, I only have one more day left until I have to go back to work and I'm going to be even more tired.  The list was endless but I did really want to go and wouldn't let down.....T&A ;)

Friends and family showed up in force.  Our friends kids,  those little bundles we were around for the birth of, are now... yep, taller than us, working, travelling, going to Uni, just like those bundles at your end, the bundles at this end are all grown up and fine examples.  You have all done such a great job.

We all had a good catch up, Malcolm and I shared our shock at becoming Belieber's at this late stage, (we both, loved Despacito without realising who it was by,) we both love Miley Cyrus' Malibu (co written with Ed of course.)  I missed the whole Hannah Montana thing but M had lived through it with the Grand kids and even the movie, (four times!) So, M was shocked to love Malibu.

I got stealthily flirted with, yes, he was so young, I didn't even see it coming.  There must have been just the right about of darkness on the dance floor for him to confuse me with someone twenty plus years younger than him.  (Totally innocent.)  #Mademynight

Last night reminded me to take a leap, take a step.  Get out into the world.  There are a million reasons to stay home.  One reason to get out....

Life.

Hoarders Not So Annonymous

My visit to the Docs was followed by a very quick coffee, a recycle, a load up of the car with garden waste and a trip to the tip.... and then I descended on Bee to have round two of the great Garage de-Clutter.

We worked quick and dirty, starting off with manoeuvring a giant, Axminster 30 year old carpet complete with underlay still attached, (aka... a heavy carpet,) which we Stanley knifed into smaller 30 year old carpets complete with underlay attached.  So heavy.

On unearthing bags and boxes of electrical stuff, wall sockets, wire, adaptors.  I spouted how it's all been been exposed to the elements and it all just might electrocute someone.  She unwillingly let it all go.

Two dozen paint pots / sample pots, all opened, had to explain how everything now has an opened expiry date and an unopened expiry date.  So, can of paint, grout, etc. which have been opened for 30 years........... are really no good.

Everything I picked up, I had to justify, but my sister did a really great job at de-cluttering.  For an unofficial hoarder, she was brilliant, very proud of her.

Dr's

I told you recently about my visit to the nurse; BP, up, cholesterol, 'sky rocketed' since last time it was checked.  Well today I had to visit my GP.  It was the follow up to my nurses appointment.  My name actually appeared on the notification board a couple of minutes before my appointment time... bonus.

I knock on the door and let myself into the Doctor's office.
'Saw the nurse recently and my BP was high again.'
'Can you put your bag down?  Relax into the chair.'
'The chair is not very comfortable.'
'Think about sitting in a chair, maybe in a nice hotel room, you're on holiday.'
I immediately transported myself to rough and ready Raglan Beach with you, but I was sitting in the sand and not on an uncomfortable chair.

'That's fine, a tad low actually.'

We agree I'll have my BP checked in three months and I'll buy a new monitor for home as my old one is so old, I need to be checking at home more regularly.

'The nurse gave me a cholesterol lecture.  Can I just ask what my cholesterol split was?  I know that the 'good' and 'bad' cholesterol added together equal your score.  Nurse told me I have sky rocketed but I didn't ask for the split.'

'Your hdl is a super duper 2.7, that's a good 1.0 higher than average, that's what's pushing up your score.  Your cholesterol reading is really good.'

Told my GP that I'd been really worried, she's going to have a word with the nurse who delivered the worrying results because, my results are actually giving a false reading if you go by normal standards.

I think that what was worrying me the most is that I know that my diet is super healthy.  As Jan said; 'If your cholesterol is high, Lord help the rest of us.'  I eat so well that I thought it must be genetic, and I don't know what to do with genetic.

Anyway, panic over.  Whatever I'm doing diet wise, I'm doing really well.  I'm healthy, never hungry, I'm practically swimming in good fats, so I'm going to continue with more of the same. 

I'm so lucky to like veg and fruit, must be a nightmare if you don't.

Dr's appointment was followed by a Starbucks coffee at my usual haunt, (which reminds me,) when I showed up midweek, I was greeted with; 'We've been really worried about you!' This is because I was away last weekend and one of the Supervisors was away the week before, so I seemed to have been MIA for ages.  Thought it was lovely that I was 'worried about', but it's probably a bit sad?  No, I'm going to take it as lovely.

Green and Pleasant Land

You know Col, the UK, given the right weather, is lush and beautifully green.  The Hampshire forests remind me so much of the North Wales adventures which illustrated my childhood.  The dappled light cast by the various forests are so beautiful.  I could quite easily move to this part of the world if it wasn't for family ties.  But if I was going to move... I would probably move towards you if legalities allowed.

Jane Austen's Chawton was beautiful.  Did you ever watch Midsummer Murders?  Beautiful, picturesque, slightly menacing?  That's what I thought...  kidding.  So perfect, so beautiful, will definitely visit again.

After the physio on Monday, I had a couple of hours with Everly and then it was time for the dentist.  Feel free to queue dramatic music here.  I haven't had a check up for three years but I've had tooth ache for probably twelve months.  I always hope/pray for my teeth to heal themselves and eventually get forced into submission.

One check up later and the intense ache I've been feeling is probably from gum infection as the multiple x-rays show up zilch, except for the £1k treatment plan which involves multiple hygienist visits.  Well, I suppose it all evens out.  It's my choice to go to a private dentist, I haven't been for three years so if you divide the total by three years....

Just happy that the teeth are holding up to be honest.  I've invested in those tiny weeny inter dental brushes so from now on, I need to be supper dedicated to my dental hygiene.

Asymetical Me

Hi Col, it's Me!  I'm sorry these are few and far between, just seem to have lost my will to write for now, I hope it's only for now.

 I'm on leave and I feel so much less stressed than usual.  Just had a weekend down South with my amazing friends there but it seemed a bit fraught.  I always tell them; don't drop everything because I'm coming down, they are all busy and they all have lives of their own and I  know how precious weekends are, this time, yep, I clashed with 'life' and I didn't get to see everyone as much as possible but that IS life. 

I saw the kiddos who are now almost 8, almost 4 and a very gummy but hugely charming almost 2.  I love those kids.  I know that they don't know me from Adam but they are very dear to my heart, as are their parents.

Visited Jane Austen's house at Chawton on Friday, it was amazing to walk the same floor boards.  200 years since her death.  Met a lovely couple there on honeymoon from Ohio.  All I could conjure was 'fields?' That's all I know of Ohio but it sounds beautiful.  I imagines waves of wheat, wafting in the breeze.  They were doing a whistle stop tour of the UK.

So I flew down from Thursday to Sunday evening, Jan collected me from the airport on Sunday night.  Had to practically throw myself in the road in front of Jan, it's drop off/pick up only with no waiting/loitering allowed, so if you miss them, or can't scramble to the front of the crowd, you have to wait for your ride to circle the airport again. 

Monday I had a busy day.  Jan has CJ's daughter Monday's and Thursday's so Monday, I'd planned to be there as much as possible.  Arrived at Jan's about 9.30, Everly can now say my name... be still my heart, what a difference three months has made.  I spent an hour playing in the garden.  I was worried that Everly may have forgotten me but she was happy to give me kisses and to sit on my knee and to be lifted up by me.  Doesn't seem like five minutes since her Dada was in my arms.

At 11, I had physio finally for my hip thing.  Physio thinks it probably was Bursitis and has given me exercises to do, (I need to strengthen core mainly.)  She asked if I'd broken any bones in my youth, turns out I'm asymmetrical.  Knee creases in line, dimples on bum in line but one hip is higher than the other so irregularity is in my femur bone.  I have lots of asymmetries, I think it's because I was a later in life baby... or maybe I'm just 'different' ;)

Fight or Flight

World events seem to have extinguished my joie de vivre for the time being, I know what you're thinking, that my joie de vivre was always pretty well hidden ;) 

It's not that terrorists (deliberate lower case,) have made me want to change the way I live me life, everyone knows that you don't give in to terrorists, if this hatred goes on for a million years, which of course it won't for obvious reasons, they will never win.  I'm just sad that there is so much hatred in the world.

Thank you for the continuous invitations to visit you for just the price of a day's travel and a flight or two with free board, use of a car and love waiting for me at the other end.  You do of course know that I have been independent long enough to make me incapable of not paying my own way, but I love you for asking, always asking.  And you know... I just love you anyway.

So on my visit to the nurse this week, my cholesterol has rocketed since the last time it was checked three years ago.  It has gone from Olympic level 4.2, to an over zealous, heart threatening 5.8.  You know that I eat really healthily but I confess that in the last six months, maybe more, I've been stress eating my 'treat's as in crisps and chocolate.  I don't even enjoy them, but they seem to be my stress release.

Nurse went on to tell me that it could be genetic or could be age... joy.  I'm going to do everything I can for the next six months to see what happens because combine the high cholesterol with, yep... my increasingly high blood pressure, well, that's not a good combo is it?

So, my blood pressure has been on the increase for a while, well, ten years, in the past twelve months, my meds have been increased and my BP was perfect, for about five minutes, and now for the past few checks, it's been high again.

I do feel constantly in fight mode, whether that be against rush hour traffic, deadlines, injustice or just life in general, I just feel up against it all the time. 

I think I'm really overdue for some time off work, I only have three days to go in work and then I'm off for eleven and I just can't wait.

I know that high cholesterol and high BP are not a good combination, Jack, my Dad died at 61 of a heart attack which implies that he had one or the other or probably both.  What I have could be genetic, but you have to at least try don't you?

With this in mind, I need a new plan.

One Love

I did write about the terrorist attack in Manchester, but I decided that this wasn't the place to cry angry tears.  Suffice to say that while the world moves on, it will take those of us close to the blast, time to find some kind of normalcy again.  It will of course come.  I was writing more just now but I've curtailed myself once again. 

The ink hasn't dried on that paragraph when our Capital has been hit again.  I honestly don't see how we, the world, can find a way out of this.  I will not mention my view here.  I will say that I trust in God.

I'd been booked in for four months to donate blood again.  So on Thursday, in 31 degree heat, I sweltered along to my appointment.  By the time I go there, I was damp... everywhere.

After waiting for 30 minutes, I failed two blood tests and so wasn't allowed to donate, I'm fine for me, but if I donated, it may result in anaemia.  Been here a million times before, disappointed I can't donate now when our area needs it, but I'll be back in September.

Anti-Up

Hi Col,

Can you believe the rate at which we're crashing through May?  Baby Quayle is due any day now, (cousin's first baby,) Baba's Grandad's first anniversary was this week so I'm sure my cousin has lots of mixed emotions.

Interesting weekend, something usually happens to me, something fails like washing machine, car.  I go into complete panic and stress mode, how much will it cost to fix?  How will I cope without it?  Everything turns out fine in the end but it takes me a good week or more to recover from the ordeal.

Last weekend, after my Sunday coffee, car had trouble starting  but then revved into action.  Friday morning, it happened again.  Friday afternoon, phoned Dear Brother-in-law/AA Patrol; "Think battery may be starting to fail, can we test?"  That evening, I head over with car to be tested and tell Jan, I'm sure it's not the battery and it'll be something mysterious and complicated and stressful and expensive.  Fifteen minutes later, check is complete and I do indeed need a new battery.  Saturday, and Dear BIL has left early for work to pick up my new battery, has completed his shift and is now home so I head over to have it fitted.

By virtue of a rapidly declining car battery, I luckily get to face time CJ and my adorable great niece as he phones home just before I leave.  It's a few weeks since I've seen her and I can't believe that my heart actually aches for this tiny human who has no attachment to me and is yet to utter any derivative of my name, what can I say?  I love her.  The last time I saw her, her vocabulary consisted of; Dada, Mama, Nanna, Grandad and More.  Now we have; Bubbles, Peas (please,) Woof, (doggie.)  I love her so.

My doctor's appointment was this week, how quickly did that come around? (Being facetious, made the appointment six weeks ago to fit in with work.)  I had a list but it was all what I would call non important stuff, for me anyway, like my Hay Fever, Raynaud's etc. Anyway, while I was there, my GP decided to check my blood pressure, it was high.  I've just spent two years monitoring it, GP finally gave up and increased my meds, it was fine for six months and now... it's up.  Disappointed isn't the word.

Anyway, the next day, I Google what can increase BP, and remember my GP gave me anti sickness meds so that I could take an anti inflammatory for my hip?  Well an anti inflammatory can increase BP, so I'm really hoping that's the reason for the increase.  Hip is still not great but is better than it was and I'm taking Turmeric too to reduce inflammation, so I'm going to stop with the anti inflammatory and see if my BP returns to normal, well, my normal.

I love you, hopefully back before June x

Clutter

I'd made a date with Bee to rock up at hers one Saturday morning to take a stab at de-cluttering and organising her garage.  I arrived on time but as soon as she opened the door to me, she didn't look good, she's been suffering more than normal with her ears since January.  Middle ear infection is starting to get under control but she hadn't had a good night. 

I told her if she didn't feel up to it, it was fine, we could reschedule but she'd obviously geared herself up for it, had written on white rubbish bags with a black marker 'paper', 'rubbish', 'plastic' etc. so we jumped in for 95 minutes until the heavens opened and we had to scramble to get everything we'd taken out of the garage back in under cover. 

This was probably pretty good timing, even though I was doing all the lifting and carrying, Bee still had to bend down and move around and with an ear infection, it's not the best is it?  Anyway, she did well, she let go of more stuff than I expected, the items that I would have kept hold of over other stuff (like plastic plant pots) she wanted to get rid of, so I let her.  I uncovered a Pifco hairdryer from the 60's... in it's box, a cylinder hoover from the 70's, Pomagne with 1974 on it and a bottle of white wine stamped 1986.  Anyway, in an hour and a bit, we had a car full of rubbish to go to the tip, which is pretty good going.  Rain stopped play but I'll go over again, my main aim is to get her organised, at the moment, she has a narrow pathway to just about get through sideways and I'm worried she may fall or bang into something.

The following weekend I call in for a coffee, weather is terrible so no sorting, and I casually ask if she's been to the tip yet with the rubbish from the clear out, fully expecting a 'no, not yet'.  Instead, I get a 'yes' followed by; 'and on Tuesday I spent three hours in the garage sorting out....'  It's a good job I was sitting down.  Who is this person?  She tells me in minute detail what she looked at, where it was and what she decided to do with it.  Can't tell you how proud of her I was, and I told her so.  Three hours sorting on her own is a huge achievement after more than a decade of procrastination. I feel like I flipped a little switch and gave her something resembling motivation.

I've promised more time, as much as it takes to get her organised.  Hopefully the weather will pick up soon and even if it doesn't, I have a week off in June so we should be able to find at least one dry day to have another bash at it rather than hope for some weekend sunshine, or at least a day free of rain.

You know that I'm not a naturally tidy person but the more I sort and organise, the more I want to sort and organise, and I feel so much lighter.  Never in a million years did I believe that I would be like this.  It's taken a very long time but I'm getting there.

Better than Therapy

I've had a roller coaster week emotionally and it was mostly work induced.  I've cried myself to sleep, I've fought back tears in work, I've felt hopeful in work - supported even, (that was for about twenty minutes.)  After a brief but refreshing Thursday afternoon, I thought a quiet Friday would be plain sailing.  I was wrong.  Won't go into detail but suffice to say that I ended up with a pounding, relentless headache and a neck that felt I had a steel rod running up the back of it into my skull.

Three glasses of wine to go with three episodes of Grey's Anatomy later, (I know, I've given up wine,) a bucket full of tears and a box of tissues later, my head and neck felt worse but in a way, I felt a bit better.  Ms Rhimes' Greys is better than therapy, sometimes you just need a good cry.

Didn't sleep well on Friday night, woke up with head still pounding (could be the wine, definitely made the right decision to give it up.) Saturday is cloudy and gloomy all day, such a shame after Friday's brilliant sunshine but at least it matches my mood.

Sunday and we're back to glorious sunshine.  Head is better but not 100%, neck is painful but stuck the microwaved wheat wrap on it at 6.30 when I got up.  Decided that I need to do something about my emotions.  Don't get me wrong, emotions are good, sobbing through Grey's Anatomy is good, crying at the end of Long Lost Family is good.  Crying over some of the comments on the Country Heat infomercial is not normal.  Crying at the end of Nanny McPhee and the Big Bang is not good, crying at the end of The Spy Next Door surely isn't necessary.  I'm still upset over something that happened a year ago which still nags at me.  With all of this in mind, I have invested in a huge bottle of industrial strength Evening Primrose Oil.  Please God, let this work.

Ten Minutes

Jan has been slowly coming to terms with losing Mol, every day, I try to make her laugh a little and she is responding but then I'll get a text in work from her to say a member of staff from the Vets has phoned her in tears to say how sorry they all are and then a member of staff from the hospital whose care Mol was under, phones to say that there wasn't a dry eye in the house when the news spread.   It's all heart breaking, all lovely, all valid and a reflection of just how lovely Molly was.  She was a good dog, she is loved and she's somewhere now happy and feeling like she's a puppy again, I'm sure of that. Ten days after we lose Mol, Jan's Lupus spikes, this is expected, she'll be OK soon though.

Work was tough this week.  I don't know if it's the hip thing which is wearing me down but just three days left me exhausted this week.  Still, it's payday so I booked in with Mand to get waxed and with Steph to get my hair cut.  The last time I paid this amount of attention to my appearance was January. I wasn't really in the mood for either appointment this weekend, but thought they may make me feel better... more human, and they did.

I laughed through the whole beautification experience with Mand, despite the process.  We have a lot in common and we have always understood each other.  Steph is very young and is refreshingly simplistic with her view on life, she always makes me think and I love how she cuts my hair.

Last Christmas, part of Bee's present was several 'gift cheques' the kind you can download from a website, fill in the recipient's name, what you owe them and then add your signature. Part joke, part an offer of support, I gave Bee cheques for decluttering the garage, sorting out her wardrobe and clearing her loft.  She says she wants to be organised and to declutter, but in the ten years since she retired, she has never attempted to do anything on this list.  I totally understand her reluctance and when you're faced with a mountain to climb, it's hard to get started. 

Despite my ten minutes or ten items mantra, I've failed to get my sister going on her own but she's finally agreed for me to spend an hour or two sorting out her garage. 

Molly

Well, that was a week.  Monday was lovely, it was a Bank Holiday so I got to have a repeat of a relaxed Sunday... coffee, reading.  Weather was terrible but at least I wasn't in work.

Tuesday to Thursday I was in work.  As usual, I'm juggling three sets of priorities so my brain is constantly in flight mode.  But it was OK, I made it through with the consolation that I'd booked Friday off.

Thursday night, Jan phones me.  You know that we speak most nights but this wasn't scheduled as it was a Grand baby Day.  I immediately asked if she was OK and she wasn't.  Her Springer Molly had collapsed and after immediately taking her to the vet, she was ringing to tell me that she was gone. 

Molly was just so lovely.  Molly, I proclaimed my God Dog upon her arrival thirteen years ago (having only one God Child to date.)  She was such a calm and loving dog.  When my sister's Lupus was active, she would be her pal and just lay or sit with her.  She saw my sister through losing various loved ones and has just been there for her through a string of really, rubbish years quite frankly.

Jan's description of the sequence of events reminded me so much of my experience with a human loved one; collapse, unresponsive; dramatic journey to medics, the worst news.  It reminded me of everything and my heart was full of emotion for her experience and for the loss of Mol.  Animal or human, it's still a family member, a friend and the loss is felt deeply.  Before I went to sleep on Friday night, I asked Mum to take care of Molly and told Molly, if she wasn't already with her, she should find Christopher's Nanna.  I'm sure they're together though. Mum loved Mol and used to take her treats on every visit.

Friday I had a telephone consult with a physio re the hip thing.  Long story short, I have either hip flexor damage or tendinopothy, either way, I need actual physio.  I've been trying to do a little exercise again but it seems to be making matters worse.

So I was off work on Friday, I'd scheduled my  new bathroom tile cleaning gadget to arrive plus I was awaiting a new, extra long foam roller from Amazon to really unbunch my spine.  My bathroom gadget was scheduled for delivery between 8am and 8pm.  I expected it to arrive at 7.55pm but just to be sure, I stuck a sticky note to the front door as I left home, just in case.  I'd hit two supermarkets by 8.30am, I had an extremely quick coffee (and speed read) so that the day wasn't a complete dud and headed home.  I was home before 10am and BOTH of my parcels had arrived and were in the place that I'd requested the expected one to be left.  How lucky am I?

The rest of Friday was spent Spring cleaning my bathroom with my new gadget.  The tiles look like new and I wish I'd heard about this thing a couple of years ago before I spent a fortune on various cleaning products and grout fixers.  In the end, I used my gadget and white vinegar and hey presto... it looks like new.

Saturday and the sun is shining.  Jan is starting to do better, she's still crying through our chat but she is improving. I had a terrible night's sleep but on the plus side, I'd accomplished three loads of washing by 7.30am.  I had a lovely coffee and read for an hour at my usual haunt, did a little food shopping then headed home to continue with the Spring clean.  As it was sunny, I decided to hang the washing out on the line which is when I noticed bluebells growing out of the lawn.  How does that happen?  Aren't they bulbs not roots?  I get it when one plant I hate at the top of my front lawn ends up at the bottom with no intervention from me, but bulbs?   Anyway, I dug them up and transplanted them somewhere where they will hopefully take to their relocation.  I do love bluebells. So pretty.

Hip is really hurting today so no additional exercise for me, except for a few sit-ups.  I've still managed to clock 11,000 steps just by going about my business and that makes me feel better.

Sun is shining, beautiful day.  Love you x

Easter

Finally got to see my Doctor, the hip thing is soft tissue damage.  She's given me some anti-sickness medication so that I can take anti-inflammatory meds which should help and I need to speak to one of the physiotherapists for some rehabilitation exercises to help things along.  I'm relieved it's nothing more serious, although we're up to thirteen weeks now so I'm really ready for it to be completely better so that I can get back to normal and stop taking so many painkillers.

Called in to see Bee yesterday, it was Good Friday and she had fish for me.  Part of the conversation went like this;

Bee; Guess what's on this afternoon?
Me; Jesus of Nazareth, The Robe, Ben-Hur? (All are her favourites.)
Bee; Ben-Hur
Me; Is Jesus actually in that one?
Bee; Sort of, you see his shadow and you see his hand when he gives Ben-Hur water.
Me; Can you believe he's still alive?
Bee; Well he's not physically alive is he but he's...
Me; Not Jesus!  I know he's not still alive!
Bee; Ohhhh
Me; And he's been married for about 80 years already!

I didn't even know where to begin with this.  I'm nowhere near as deeply religious as my sister is but did she really think that I thought the actual Jesus was still alive... in his original form?  Still, she's a keeper, she's always been a great big sister and it's too late to swap her now anyway.

Then of course, I later realised that in fact we both have some kind of Alzheimer's as I'd confused Ben-Hur with Spartacus and Ben-Hur is actually the amazing Charlton Heston and not the amazing centenarian Mr Kirk Douglas.  I do the same with The Great Escape and Escape to Victory, whenever either of these classics comes up in conversation, I have to ask; motorbikes or football?

P.S...

P.S. I Love You was on TV this week, which only served to remind me of my perpetual disappointment that Hilary Swank was cast as Holly from my favourite book of it's time.  I used to sit in Starbucks and openly  weep as I read each chapter and then they made the film and no, I did not weep, did not laugh, did not emote anything.  No offence intended to Ms Swank, but she just wasn't my Holly.  What were they thinking I wonder?

Happy Easter Col x

Finally Spring x

Col... it's Spring!  Finally.  Yesterday was the first sunny and warm day we've truly had and today is hot on its heels.  My phone tells me it's 19 degrees, doesn't feel like it but I'll trust that it's true.  We've had a beautiful blue sky all day, I have washing on the line and the back door is open to air out this place, it's lovely. 

Hip/leg is still not OK but is improving... very slowly.  I finally get to see my Doctor on Tuesday, I'm hoping she'll just tell me it's a sprain, of course I've been pencilling myself in for a hip replacement in the past few weeks (imagination running wild,) or at the very least a progression of Osteoarthritis but suffice to say, as soon as I can move without pain, I will be exercising again.  It's made me realise that if you can move, then you should move.  We need to look after ourselves.

This past week I've been getting itchy feet, I've been lusting after visiting you and also wondering about changing my job.  I didn't think I would change again but a friend from two jobs ago sent me a text to let me know that jobs were coming up and it piqued my interest.  Really got me thinking.

Anyway, had a rubbish few weeks, leg is making me miserable then we had Mother's Day and today is Mum's birthday, so you know what I'm like but I did get a white feather 'Hello' yesterday which was lovely to see, (I had the back door open while I gardened and was in and out, went back after a few minutes and the white feather was on the mat, inside, by the back door.) 

Oh... major news... I've given up wine!  Well, strictly speaking, I've given up drinking wine alone.  I still like wine but I got to the point were I finally recognised that my body wasn't handling it very well, it was too easy to open a bottle of wine here and to finish it off and it literally felt like I was poisoning myself.  In the past month, I've had a thimble full of Prosecco at my cousin's birthday afternoon tea and half a glass of rose one night at Bee's with a meal,  (so don't think we can't have wine when I see you next!)  I have a few G&T's at the weekend and that's me... done. I was practically teetotal before Mum died and it's taken me all this time to sort myself out, I probably could have funded several trips to you.

Next weekend is Easter so that will be a nice, long one.  I plan on sleeping... a lot, and who knows, I may be able to start exercising again.  Keep everything crossed.  Love you x

Hip Thing

Hi Hon,

Well, I'm not going to lie... this week has been a mega bitch.  Has left me mentally and physically exhausted.  But it's done now, it's over and that's work for you.  I'm not going to bore you with the details but to summarise; eighteen hour days, sleepless nights, immobility due to being chained to a desk, travel... exhausted isn't the word.

Thankfully, I now have a week of leave, I need to use it or lose it and it could not have arrived at a more opportune moment. A couple of weeks ago, I had a whole week of being chained to my desk, no lunch break, no power walk to clear my head, and as I'm obsessed with getting in a minimum of 10,000 steps a day, (even though I set my bar at 14,000,) well that meant that I had to get in the majority of my steps after my evening meal and before bed.  This resulted in what I thought was sciatica but in fact, I think it's some kind of hip strain. Whatever it is, it's painful.  If I had highlighter pens, I would highlight my left, very top of thigh bone, my outer left knee and my left ankle. It's agony and it's making me miserable.

My dream of having a boot camp while I was off was derailed when everything I read was 'keep mobile but rest' as in...don't aggravate it anymore than you already have done.

On top of the leg problem, I went to Bee's for lunch on Sunday and from Monday, I have had terrible griping pains in my tum.  Now, Bee can cook and even though she has a blatant disregard for 'use by' dates, she also knows how sensitive my stomach can be, so apart from the 'homemade' mustard, I don't think there was anything in the roast that could have given me grief.

I'm going to put the stomach cramps down to the ibuprofen I've been taking for the leg thing, I know that it can be harsh on your innards and I don't usually take it so it must be that, but it has me living off white... WHITE... toast.  You know white, processed rubbish doesn't usually pass my lips, but white toast is what I need and white toast was all I ate for two whole days.

It's a good think I'm off this week. I don't do sick days so I would have soldiered on and been totally miserable... more miserable than I have been.  I'm getting plenty of sleep, which only serves to remind me of how sleep deprived I am on a daily basis.  Leg is waking me up in the night., just hurting really, nothing major.

My time off, dodgy hip and lethargy, turn out to have a positive effect.  I read.  I'm in no hurry to have my ritualistic coffee at my weekend location and hurry to the next thing on my to-do list.  I sit, I read, I make the most of the free refill policy and I read some more.  Bootcamp turns out to be a Masterclass to myself.  I get to read every day, because I'm free, not chained to my desk, and awake. 

Yowza

The nights are drawing out Col, I feel like I can breathe again.  It's funny how Winter creeps up on you and you think that you're sailing through, and I'm taking my Vitamin D and embracing Winter, but then, like today, it's Saturday so I'm already home, it's 4.30pm, it's light and I feel... like I can breathe for the first time in months.

I've been back at work for a week. It's safe to say that the quiet lull is definitely over.  I'm working on three separate projects, all of which are urgent... high priority... in a time crunch kind of way.  Most of me loves it, (but don't tell anyone at work.)  I love having multiple balls in the air, someone told me this before but I think they were pretty astute, I look like a Swan gliding effortlessly through a glistening millpond while beneath the water, my legs are going like the clappers. 

It's not so much the three projects, it's the hopping between them as minor emergencies emerge and you have to immediately drop one project, fire fight, wait momentarily for any aftermath then drop that project and pick up the one you were working on before the emergency because until the fire, this one was actually the most pressing.

Image and health wise, I've been pretty good for a while... not so hard on myself as before.  I'm on Instagram, did I tell you?  I'm not public, I don't post anything, and I don't follow many people but those that I do, they are all very positive, life affirming people.. mostly women.  You know me and I acknowledge I have my dark side and very occasionally, the eternal emanating positivity gets on my nerves but for the most part, the daily reinforcement travels through my eyes into my brain and seeps into my veins.  It's all good. Still, I did happen to catch a glimpse of my behind in the mirror this morning, decided it was the consistency of blancmange and the size of a small continent.

While I've been moving my body for a good while now, (I invested in one of the cheapest Fitbits and I'm obsessed with getting in 10,000 steps minimum each day... usually aim for 13,000,) and last April, I invested in a Bellicon rebounder which helps me get my steps in and is more fun than a singleton should have while watching TV. But, some serious exercise has been missing for a while and I've been meaning to make a new habit for ages.

You know my trouble Col, I rise at 4.30am, I really can't get up any earlier to fit in my workout but so far, working out after work is eluding me, I just can't seem to find the energy or motivation.

Last Saturday, I had a lovely day.  I actually did what I wanted to do for a change. I had two coffees at Starbucks (my refill was free,) read, food shopped strategically as it's ten days before pay day, called in at Sister's for a hot water (I was all coffee'd out,) my cousin was there so two birds, one stone then I came home and did an Ashley Borden workout.  This woman is an inspiration.  Her workouts are not fussy or complicated.  She's realistic and encouraging and I want her body when I get around to it.

So I did one of Ashley's HIIT workouts for the lower body.  I was short of breath and sweaty by the end of the nine minute workout but I made it.  Form probably wasn't great, but I did it.  Warned Jan in our telephone call that I may not be able to move to phone the next day as I could already feel my legs starting to complain.  Cut to next day and I'm sore but slightly smug that I'm nowhere near as sore as I expected.

You know what's coming next don't you?  Yes, I had forgotten that day two is the actual killer.  I was stiff and sore, proving to me that I had actually moved my body and that it hadn't moved with any momentum or intent for some time.

Ahhhh Feb x

It's February at last.  I do love Feb, it's just so... hopeful don't you think?  It's like January but wearing a different coat, it's January without the depression. 

So I made it through January.  My tactic was to keep head down and to power through.  Seemed to work a treat, must remember that for next year.

I'd booked the second week of Feb off work, mostly to use up leave before it's lost, and I thought I'd waited too long for my worn out brain and body, but it turns out it was a perfect week to have.  Work was on a brief lull, I thought I was coming down with a cold, I was tired, permanently frozen to the core and just ready to spend more time on my new and amazingly warm and comfortable mattress.

My plan was to rise everyday at 6 to workout and to make a new habit.  Well, you know that didn't happen.  My mattress is too good.  I need to make a new workout routine but, just not yet, not while it's so warm and comfy and it's so very cold outside.

So this week I have had coffee in the a.m. and read, then did something; walk in cupboard - organised, wardrobe in the back room, box room... all organised.  I'm on such a roll Col, you'd be so impressed.

I'm going to tell you something which sounds a bit morbid but it's not really, I'm just being realistic, logical.  So Jan had mentioned a few times that she's sorting because one day, when she and hubby are gone, it will be down to CJ to sort everything and she didn't want him sorting through, well... crap.

You know what's coming next don't you?  Well, when I came to think about it.  CJ is going to be sorting through my crap too, and I want to make it as easy as possible for him.  It may be forty years from now but why wait?  What if it's next year and I wasn't organised?

I was sixteen when CJ was born and while I always felt like a protective Aunt, he also felt like my little Brother.  Even now that he has a family of his own, he'll still tell me that he loves me.  Words cannot express.

My family didn't do that before CJ.  It's totally down to my sister and brother-in-law, that CJ is able to profess his unashamed love and that we are now able to accept love gracefully and to say it back.  They changed our family because now I wouldn't think twice about saying it out loud... in front of others... to CJ's beautiful daughter.

Col, I slowly walk behind this one year old with my left arm outstretched.  She's holding onto the index finger of my left hand as she totters across the room, while her tiny right hand has a firm grip on my heart. I look at her and all that I see are CJ's eyes.  Safe to say... I'm in love.

Beautiful T

So how is the year treating you so far?  Personally, not that it's been terrible, and I know that your birthday and Don's birthday, and one of my sister's birthday's is in January, but other than that, I really don't like January and I'll be glad to show it the door.  January, over hear anyway, and as you know, is so cold and dark.  Spring seems like a lifetime away and I'm convinced that despite the Vitamin D supplement I've been taking, I'm starting to get a tinge of Seasonal Affective Disorder.  Or, maybe I just don't like January, with the exception of three birthday's.

It's not all bad.  The nights are finally drawing out so that means that even though it's pitch dark when I leave home for work, I now have about ten minutes when I get in before it's pitch dark again... bonus.  (Still not worth opening the curtains for it though, not yet anyway.)

After work on Friday, I headed for the supermarket, with basket and list in hand.  It was pretty quiet for once, probably because it's day's before everyone gets paid, anyway, while circling for the Ryvita, who do I see, but our friend T with hubby in tow, pushing the trolly.  After kisses all around, T declares; "I have to show you something," then she reaches into her bra. I know, you're not shocked either right?  This is the T that I love, the shining light, the funny one, the beautiful and yes, the most endowed of us all, so when she plunges into her bra, in the middle of the supermarket, I think I'm un-shockable and this is all quite normal after more than a couple of decades of friendship.

T pulls out a really large crystal from her bra, given that her chest is pretty nigh one of the Great Wonders of the World, I wouldn't like to say how many of mine would go into one of hers, but still, I'm not shocked that she's produced a crystal, more surprised that there was any room in the bra for such a big crystal, still, she managed to shoehorn it in to be close to her battered heart.

Turns out the our gorgeous friend has been for a Reiki session and cannot recommend enough.  I'm guessing this is where the crystal came from.  Surprisingly, it's not something I have ever tired although you know that I'm so into that stuff, maybe this is the year? 

Princess and the Pea

Week One of the new year and God it's been long and boring in work but... the highlight of my year so far is that I, or rather we have taken delivery of a new... mattress.

I'm not going to tell you how old my recently dearly departed mattress is, was, as it's too embarrassing given that the new recommendation is that you replace your mattress every 8 years.  But, it must have been a good'un as it's only in the past couple of years that I've felt like the Princess in the Princess and the Pea as the springs had begun to poke at my ribs during the night. 

I intended to shop for a mattress twelve months ago but I'm not sure what happened, I didn't have the money or Jan wasn't available to take delivery for me while I was at work, or I just didn't get my act together and so I missed the January sales.  So that was me, done for another year, with springs poking at my ribs.

Don't get me wrong, I loved my mattress but it just became more uncomfortable than comfortable and so, it was time.  Out with the old and in with the new.

For probably the past three months, I've been priming Jan to have at least one day free to come mattress shopping with me, I wasn't sure I was brave enough to lay down on random mattresses in front of the general public, on my own, and so she had no chance of forgetting that I needed her.

On the 28th Dec, Jan and I set off on a freezing cold day, we had four stores to visit, store number one gave me two options and we left there, with hope, store number two was a disaster, the mattresses looked so unappealing and dusty, I refused to lay down, Jan did for me but we both knew I wouldn't be buying from there.  Three and Four were the same company just different locations.  The only thing they may have had in my price range was only online and you just can't buy without trying can you?  So Jan and I set off back to store number one and on and off the two choices we hopped.

In the end, I opted for the second mattress we'd been shown at 10am and it was now 1pm.  I knew that I wanted a pocket sprung mattress and that was all that I knew.  It was a bit more than I had hoped to pay so just had to hope that I hadn't made a mistake.

I got up around ten minutes early on the day of delivery, 4.19am to be exact, in order to strip my bed and manoeuvre my old mattress into the dining room ready for Jan and Geoff to take delivery of the new one while I was at work.  It was more of a struggle than I anticipated but I got there in the end.

Jan messaged me around 11am to say that she'd taken delivery of the new mattress at 7am and had just woken up as it was so comfortable.  Yes, her sense of humour has deteriorated along with her memory, however, I'm truly thankful that they could be there for me while I was at work.  I'm so excited but so still worried I've made the wrong choice.

As a bonus, I get home and Jan and Geoff have hauled my old mattress to the local tip for me so it is gone but not forgotten.  What would I do without my sister and brother-in-law?

I requested, via post-it note - 'winter side up please' for delivery, stuck it on my bedroom door at eye level, and so it was done.

I came home after a thirteen hour day and made my new bed, with a little trepidation I should say and still a little guilt for letting old faithful go.

Bedtime finally came and I sat on the very edge of the bed not knowing quite what to expect.  Have to say that my old one was stronger for the 'sitting on the very edge' scenario but for every other aspect... oh, my, goodness.  That first night was like floating on a cloud, whilst in a coma.  Why oh why, did I wait so long?

I'm warm in bed.  How is that possible?  The mattress has a winter side that is lined with wool and oh wow, the wool delivers.  I have actually been too warm at times, having to release arms over the duvet.  My body is supported, neck was a tad dodgy for a week or so as my neck and spine are now at a different angle but I have adjusted and I am now aligned to my new cloud.

Forking out for a mattress seems like such a huge worry and possible gargantuan mistake with money.  But, if you're brave, do your homework, stay around your budget and take a chance, you can be warm and comfortable at night.  At last.

Here's your hat, What's your hurry?

Christmas is approaching fast which is in line with the rest of this year.  Is it me or has this year just whizzed by? 

TV is full of Christmas movies, well, since August really.  C and D list movies mostly but it all adds to the season doesn't it?  I watched "It's a Wonderful Life" the only A list in sight. You must know that Christmas, timeless classic?  Well did you realise that Bert and Ernie,  (Police Offcer and Taxi Driver) were characters in It's a Wonderful Life?  inspiration for THE Bert and Ernie I wonder?  Am I the first person to cotton on to this or the last on Earth? 

I've had a wobbly few weeks, full of cough and cold for about three weeks, doubting that my love cares for me, wondering if I have been replaced.

It's been a while since I saw a psychic and you know that I love this part of life, I'm a total believer and have had too many occasions were a psychic/medium, messenger, has told me something that only I and the person who has passed would know, so I'm ready and waiting.

On this occasion, apparently my Dad, Jack was there as was his Father and Mother.  It's common knowledge that I don't profess to know Jack.  So much of what she told me flew over my head.  She did say that Jack's face was emotionless where as George's was full of emotion. 

George was the best Father sub I could ever have hoped for, he was an assured, constant.  A quiet man.  I hear John Wayne, I think of George.  He was married to my much older, eldest sister, and George was much older than she.  Maybe it was something he'd honed over time.  I suspect he'd always been this way.  Quiet, assured, dependable, strong, protective.

Anyway, George was apparently there and he mentioned walking someone down the aisle.  Well, George walked my sisters down the aisle, he was always the father figure.  It's been a good while but I will miss him until I see him again.

She told me that I only get the best of my current love but in a couple of years, I'll meet someone new, someone connected to racing and someone Irish.

I'm neutral.  Always cautious.  I'm a Leo and even the quieter cusp Leo's like me, want to be adored.  My current thinking is that I expect nothing.  I'm good enough already.  The only thing that I want to work on, is me.

Resolution Time Again

I limped towards the New Year.  New Year's Eve seemed never ending but I always stay up, always recreate all that I know, that you go out before midnight with your coal, salt, silver and bread, in order to let in the New Year.  Previous New Year's Eve's have been speedy in comparison, in hindsight, I think that a good film is key.

To be honest... it was probably around 4th January before I even thought, oh, it's time for some New Year's resolutions.

I think it's probably the first time that I can recall not having a battle plan.  So, better late than never, here is what I'm thinking so far;

de-clutter... more
sort garage
sort wardrobe
sort pans
sort makeup
sort pantry
lose freezer (the one in the garage that hasn't worked for thirty years which I use for storage)
lose sideboard (beautiful and antique but has lived in garage for over twenty years, needs to be loved somewhere else)
revise workouts
be patient... with the people who cut you up on the drive home, the drivers who are doing 28 in a 40 zone, the sales assistants who ignore your presence.
meditate... learn to
be honest... say what you think without being rude but speak up, even if it's something someone wouldn't want to hear
stop throwing yourself under the bus
read
write, write, write

Another Christmas

It's 21st December, the shortest day I believe and I'm so happy to make it to here.  The nights are going to start drawing out again and I feel like Spring isn't too far away. 

You know that I always get a bit melancholy around this time of year.  You try to power through with gritted teeth and optimism but with heart wrenching songs in the air and reminders of Christmas' past at every turn, it's tough.

Christmas Eve finds me sitting in my usual window seat at my weekend Starbucks.  I feel OK.  Normal amount of... Oh, God, have I done everything? Got everything?  But I think I'm OK.

I need to drop off a couple of presents and cards, have coffee with a friend, hoover, make a couple of calls and then wait for Bee to arrive after midnight mass.  She's staying here tonight.

I'm sitting here and thinking about the year.  I think I've actually had a pretty good one.  It's had massive low points, losing a dear relative, I feel like the diagnosis could have come sooner.  Being totally invisible at a family event because I'm a singleton hurt like I would never have expected.

Me? I comfort ate until around April, then I finally got my act together.  I think I'm now eating healthier than I ever have done.  I don't really crave anything which tells me that I'm giving my body what it needs.

I bought a Fitbit and I love it and I preach to anyone who will listen to me about it.  Even blokes I work with have started counting steps on their phones and have started taking the stairs instead of the lift.

I've had lots of baby cuddles from my new, great niece, and I can make her laugh, lifting her high and saying 'Weeeeeee' in a really high pitched voice or singing the Mnah Mnah Muppet song to her, makes her smile.

Work has been challenging but I've actually started to learn something new after a few years of stagnation. 

I got to see you, can't tell you how lovely that was.

I've sorted, decluttered, let go of stuff which I thought I would never be able to let go of and organised.  I feel lighter.

I bought a Bellicon rebounder and I love that too.  I still miss running and may go back to it but in the meantime, I can bounce/jog in front of the TV, it's fun and reminds me of being a kid.

I've had a couple of letters printed in Grazia magazine and I 'found' Instagram and am now the recipient of daily motivation and affirmations from some of the women I admire the most.

From a personal growth point of view... a good year.